


New starts

by UnumChuchi



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: A lot of minor relathionships, Almost every character is alive, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clexa Week, Clexa Week 2020, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to roommates to friends to lovers, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, I'd probably add more tags, Minor Anya/Raven Reyes, Minor Octavia Blake/Lincoln, Past Costia/Lexa (The 100), Past Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Roommates, Slow Burn, Some angst, actually, mentions of dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 84,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23170678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnumChuchi/pseuds/UnumChuchi
Summary: Lexa needs a new roommate and Clarke an apartment. It would be perfect if they weren't old enemies.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 275
Kudos: 626
Collections: Clexaweek2020





	1. My new roommate is my old enemy

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be day 4 for the Clexa week. But the idea grown up and... here I am.  
> English isn't my first language, sorry if I make some mistakes.  
> I hope you like it!

Since the moment Anya ended her degree and moved to another apartment, Lexa needed a new roommate. She knew it for a long time, but she didn’t search for anyone until now. Until it was too late. Because it’s July and Anya left the apartment last week, but she didn’t have someone to replace her. And she really needs it if she wants to keep living in her apartment.

Even if she hates it, she was so hopeless that she has being asking her friends for help, just in case they knew someone. So, when she received a text from Lincoln telling her that Octavia, her girlfriend, had a friend who need an apartment, she accepted without any question. She sent him the direction and a date and let him organize it.

Now, Lexa regrets her behaviour, she should had asked the name of Octavia’s friend. But she didn’t and she has to face the consequences. Or, in this case, face Clarke.

“Clarke Griffin?” she mutters after opening the door of the apartment.

She was expecting a strange, not THAT girl. But, if she’s honest, Clarke isn’t the girl she remembers. It’s been some years and, clearly, she’s older. She doesn’t wear anymore skewer necklaces or black platforms heels and her makeup is less aggressive. She has also cut her blonde hair and dyed in red some strands. She’s completely different.

“Lexa Woods?” she blinks. “Oh my god, Octavia didn’t say it was your house.”

“Neither Lincoln.”

They exchange a look, as if they were testing the other. At least, that’s how it feels to Lexa. And she wonders what would happen if she lets Clarke get in. If she gives her a chance despite their mutual hatred.

Lexa sighs. She hasn’t another option. She can’t kick her out when she doesn’t know anyone besides her.

“So… Are you interested in this apartment?” It’s probably the hardest question she had ever asked.

Clarke doubts, but she nods at the end. “Yeah, but I can look for another apartment if this is going to be, you know, uncomfortable.”

She would like to agree, but she doesn’t have more options. And without a roommate, she hasn’t enough money to pay the rent.

“It’s ok, our history is in the past,” she lies with a smile. “Do you want to take a look?”

It’s obvious that their problems aren’t in the past, but Clarke should be hopeless too, because she nods again.

_I can’t believe this is happening._

Not very sure of the best way to act, Lexa moves back and let some space to Clarke. With her on the house, she closes the door and stars showing the apartment. It’s hard giving a good image at the same time you are wishing for a disaster. Even thought, Clarke was quite polite and didn’t give her a reason to start a fight.

The apartment is, like all the student’s apartments, little. It has three smalls rooms, a kitchen, a bath and a living-room, so Lexa ended the tour in less than ten minutes. And she has enough time to explain the price of the rental and answer some questions.

“And that’s all,” says Lexa when there’s nothing else to add.

Lexa stans in front of Clarke, waiting for her reaction. The apartments should suck for a rich girl like her, even thought, she doesn’t show an expression of disgust. She really looks as if she is considering it.

“When I could move?” she asks.

It’s so unexpected that Lexa needs some seconds to realize she isn’t joking. She must be more hopeless than she thought. Or she really had change and doesn’t mind living with her.

“My last roommate has already cleaned her room, so is empty”. When Anya finds that she had offered her room to Clarke, how would she react? Well, it doesn’t matter, it’s the only room she can offer, the third it’s out of question. “You could move whenever you want.”

“For example…” She bites her lip. “Tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I guess,” she mumbles, a little surprised. “But you should be sure, I don’t that you to change your mind next week.”

“Believe, I’m sure.”

For a moment, she sounds like the Clarke she used to know, confident and full of determination. And for an inexplicable reason, Lexa finds trusting her.

**

When Clarke left the house, Lexa runs to her room and calls Lincoln. The boy answers so fast that’s suspicious, like if he was waiting for the call.

“Lexa? Did you finish yet?”

“Yeah, and you are a traitor. Clarke? The fucking Wanheda? Seriously? You don’t know anyone besides her?”

“Sorry, I couldn’t find another option.” Even if she can’t see him, it’s easy to imagine him with a nervous smile. “You need a roommate and she an apartment, it’s perfect.”

“Of course, perfect.” Lexa fills her words with all the sarcasm she can.

But no matter how much she tries, it’s impossible being mad with Lincoln. He is one of the sweetest people Lexa knows and he did it with good intention. He always has good intentions.

“C’mon, Lexa, it’s been… What? three years? We aren’t teens anymore.”

She is aware of that, but she can’t forget the old times, all the fights between the two schools: Skaikru and Grounder. The spoiled kids of Skaikru, always acting with condescension, thinking they were better than the rest because they had money. For them, the Grounders were savage, so they responded with violence. And Lexa was in the top of her school, beating everyone, even the oldest teens. Well, almost everyone, she didn’t beat Clarke. They never resolved their conflict.

Lexa shakes her head. Lincoln is right, they’re not the same. She had grown up and, if Clarke is willing to try living together, she won’t lose.

“Fine. But if anything goes wrong, I’ll kill you.”

After some encouraging words of Lincoln, Lexa ends the call. She searches on her mobile Clarke’s number and starts writing a message. It should be easy; she just has to inform her that it’s ok for Clarke moving tomorrow. Even so, she spends almost twenty minutes in a single message. And then, she needs all her willpower to send it. 

_I hope I won’t regret this._


	2. That's not her home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here's the second chapter, I hope you enjoy it :)

“Are you sure? You can stay in our house until September. You don’t need to live near the campus until the start of the classes.”

_Here we go again._

Clarke takes a deep breath. This is the tenth time they have this conversation and she’s tired. Even thought, she manages to stay calm. Through the years she had learn that the violence doesn’t solve your problems, rather, it makes them worse. And if she pretends to avoid future troubles with her mother, she shouldn’t yell at her.

“Yes, mom, I’m sure.”

They are in the garden, with the two suitcases on the floor, but that isn’t enough for Abby. The woman keeps insisting, without listen to Clarke or even Marcus, who had also told her several times that is ok.

“But how could you go living with someone you don’t know?”

Luckily, Clarke has plenty of experience lying to her mother and keeps a neutral expression. She had no intention on telling her that her roommate is Lexa. Abby probably remember all the teens that went to the hospital because of Lexa or her friends. Definitely, not a good idea.

“First, we’ll be just roommates, it’s not actually living together. And second, she’s a close friend of Lincoln and you know him. Do you think he could be friends with someone mean?”

Unable to refute that, Abby sighs and hug her.

“I’m gonna miss you,” she whispers on her daughter’s ear. “You only came here for two days; you could stay all the holidays. You are part of this family.”

“I know, but I prefer living on my own.”

This time, it’s not a completely lie. Yes, she knows that her mother feels that the four of them are a family, but Clarke doesn’t share that feeling.

The sound of a car parking makes them move away. As Clarke was wishing for the last hour, Wells has finally arrived. At the same time the boy crossed the door and waits there, Marcus walks toward Abby and Clarke. The man had been waiting at some distance, giving them space to say goodbye. He comes with the baby in his arms, so he gives a half hug to Clarke.

“I’ll take care of your mother,” he says, softly. “If you need something, call us, ok?”

“Yeah, of course”. She kisses him on the cheek before moving away. “But please, stop acting like if I’m going to move to another country, I’ll just be in other neighbourhood. If you keep being so dramatic, you’ll make Vera nervous.”

The baby, confirming her words, starts crying. Marcus tries to calm her down, but in the end, he gives up and returns to the house. Abby sighs, concerned, and hugs Clarke. Gently, the girl reciprocates the hug.

“Bye, mom.”

“I love you”, she mutters. “And we aren’t so dramatic.”

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Whatever.”

Carrying her suitcases, she walks toward Wells. The boy, who had realized that her friends wants to leave as soon as possible, says goodbye to Abby with his hand.  
Together, they fit the suitcases in the trunk and, some minutes later and another hug with Abby, they’re driving. Clarke watches through the window how the silhouette of her mother slowly disappears.

Clarke knows she could stay there, but they’re new house will never be her home, just like Marcus will never be her father or Vera her sister. She’s happy for her mother, she loves seeing her recovered of the dead of Jake and being in love with someone else, but that’s a family she can’t be part of. 

Tired of having the same thoughts, she turns to Wells and smiles him.

“Thanks for helping me moving.”

She was ready to do it alone, as always. There are few people she trusts enough to ask for help and Wells, her childhood friend, is one of them. In fact, right now is the only one. She couldn’t ask Bellamy, no when he is in another country having some holidays with Echo. In the case of Octavia, they aren’t so close since they’re last fight. And she can’t count on Jasper or Monty after what happen with Finn… 

Clarke shakes her head. She doesn’t want to think about him.

“We’re friends, you don’t have to thank me.” Without losing sight of the road, Wells smiles her back. “Besides, I’m curious to see if Lexa had changed so much”.

“She’s almost unrecognizable.”

At the beginning she was mad with Octavia for sending her to Lexa’s apartment. But now she’s grateful. She couldn’t keep living with Finn, neither with her mom, and there weren’t a lot of options. If she had knew it before going, she would had never agreed to give it a chance.

**

They are lucky and Wells manages to park at in front of the building. When they get out of the car, the boy doesn’t judge the neighbourhood and Clarke appreciates it. This isn’t one of the worst areas of the city, but she’s sure that her mother would raise Cain about it.

Clarke doesn’t have the keys yet, so she rings the doorbell and, when the door is open, they go up the stairs. The apartment is on the fourth floor and she miss having an elevator. At least, she only has to carry one of the suitcases.

When they arrive, the door is open, and Lexa waits them inside. She looks a bit surprise for the presence of Wells, but she doesn’t say anything.

“Do you need help?” she asks.

“No, thanks.”

Lexa shrugs and lets them pass.

“You’re room it’s in the end of the corridor at righthand. If you need something, I’ll be in the living room.”

Lexa walks away before Clarke can thank her again. Wishing that they won’t need her help, she follows her instructions with her friend walking behind her.

“Hey,” whispers Wells when Lexa is away. “You didn’t say she’s so hot now.”

“Lexa?” she raises an eyebrow. “She was hot back in high school, she hasn’t change in that aspect.”

“Wow, it’s the first time I realize. I suppose back then she was too much threatening.” 

“I guess so.”

_It’s strange, but that never happened to me. Maybe because I’ve never been afraid of her, I only found her unbearable._

Whatever was the reason, it doesn’t matter now.

Once they were on Clarke’s new room, they star unpacking. Clarke had already told Wells it wasn’t necessary, but the boy insist that he hadn’t anything better to do. She appreciates, even if she’s aware that the reality it’s that Wells doesn’t want to leave her alone. Not after her breakout with Finn.

To avoid thinking about her ex-boyfriend, Clarke focuses on the task of sorting her thinks. While Wells pastes in the wall some posters, she orders her painting material. That was a good part, but the best was fitting all her clothes in the tiny wardrobe. At the end of the afternoon, after a lot of laughs, the room looks familiar. Like a place she would like to live.

With nothing else to do, Wells leaves with the promise that they will meet soon. He says with a smile, but Clarke knows he’s serious about it.

When she’s alone, Clarke doubts on what she could do now. It’s a good time to dinner, but she doesn’t know if she should ask Lexa to eat together. She has no experience living with a roommate, and maybe it’s normal dinner together. Or maybe not?

The girl sighs and walks to the living room. As Lexa had said, she’s there reading a book. For a moment, Clarke stays near the door, looking at her. Although she has the same appearance as she was in the school, her old enemy has changed a lot. Specially, she looks more relaxed. And perhaps she’s even hotter.

Suddenly, Lexa raises her head and realizes Clarke’s there.

“Clarke? Do you want something?”

“No, I mean, yes,” she mumbles. “I’m going to dinner and I wonder if you…”

She doesn’t end her sentences, but luckily, Lexa stands up.

“That’s a good idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I'm honest, I have several doubts about Wells. He died too soon in the serie and I don't know how would he react with some characters as Lexa. What do you think?
> 
> And I probably update next monday or tuesday.
> 
> (This isn't important, but Marcus and Abby named her daughter Vera for Marcus's mother. She loves playing in the garden)


	3. Of course, the dinner is awkward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is here! I hope you like it!

Lexa was wrong. The dinner was a bad idea and the most awkward of her life.

The only think Lexa can do is asking herself what she was thinking when she agreed. Seriously, _what the hell?_

Since the beginning of the dinner, they are in silence, staring without saying anything. The worst part is that Lexa had heard Clarke and her friend laughing all the afternoon. In comparation, it’s like they are now in a funeral.

“So,” Lexa clears her throat. “Did you choose moving here because is near the campus? Are you studying?”

For a moment, Clarke looks at her surprise, but soon, she recovers.

“Yeah, in September I’ll start my second year in medicine. And you?”

“I’m studying criminology. I’ll also start I’m second year.”

“Oh, that’s cool.”

Then, silence again.

At least, Lexa has something to think about. The fucking Wanheda studying medicine? Sounds like a joke. Although, it’s not as if she knows a lot of Clarke. Just that she was different of the rest.

The kids of Skaikru were pathetic, they didn’t even know punching. That was the reason the Grounders could defeating them almost every time. But then, Clarke appeared and started to chance thinks. She wasn’t especially skilled, in fact, she was beaten several times. But somehow, she managed to change the way the Skaikru acted. That’s why she received the name of Wanheda, she was like the Heda of the Grounders. Like Lexa.

Lexa was so lost in her thoughts that she almost missed that Clarke was asking her something.

“What? Sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

“I was saying if I could ask you something?”

“Oh, yeah, of course.”

“Humm…” she doubts for some seconds, as if she doesn’t know how to say it. “I’m not used to this.” She stretches her arms, including the room. “Or having a roommate.”

“Well, if I’m honest, me neither. I lived here for the last two years and I always been with a friend and my…” Lexa hesitates for a moment. She doesn’t want to talk about Costia. Not yet. “Just with my best friend. And it’s different being with her than with you. In a way, we barely know the other. And until now, our experience was… not very good.”

Clarke nods with some relief. “So, what are we going to do?”

“Nothing? We don’t have do anything special. We aren’t friends and probably we’ll never be, but that doesn’t mean we have to hate the other.” She stops, not knowing if she’s making sense.

For the look on her face, Clarke isn’t very sure about the last point, but she doesn’t refute it. “Are you suggesting we acted like if this is a new start?”

Lexa nods. That wasn’t exactly her idea, but it’s a good one. She likes how sounds ‘new start’.

“Yeah. I’ll keep living as always and you can do whatever you want. Except bother the other, I guess. I don’t know, we need time to figurate how to adapt to the new situation.”

**

As she had said to Clarke, the next days Lexa keeps her routine as if anything had changed. She’s working as a trainer in a gym almost every morning, sometimes even at the afternoon. When she isn’t on the gym, she tries to go out with Anya and other friends whenever she could. She would never admit out loud, but she misses living with her best friend. After all, even if they aren’t blood connected, Anya is the only family she has left.

So, for one reason or another, she hadn’t been a lot in her apartment. Even thought, Clarke seemed to be always there, in general in her room, so they barely interact.  
The fourth day since Clarke moved, Lexa thought it would be like the others. In fact, it started like every other day: she worked at the gym, ate with Anya and Aden and went to the apartment. She was reading when she heard a noise outside.

Cautious, Lexa gets up and walks slowly to the door, recognizing the sound of someone trying to fit the keys in the door lock. At the beginning she thought it could be a thief, but, as she gets closed, rejects the possibility. That person isn’t a thief, it’s too noisy.

The curious is killing her, so Lexa opens the door to see who the hell is trying to get in her apartment. She was expecting one of the oldest neighbours, it wouldn’t be the first time someone mistakes the floor. But, for her surprise, at the other side of the door is Clarke.

“Clarke? What are you doing?”

“Lexa! My saviour!” she says, laughing.

Clarke throws herself to Lexa’s arms. It’s so suddenness that Lexa almost lose her balance. She steps back, and then, she has to hold the girl to avoid her falling. Clarke doesn’t seem to be able to stand up on her own.

“Are you drunk?” asks Lexa, even if she already knows the answer. Besides her behaviour, Clarke gives off some smell of alcohol.

“A bit,” she admits, laughing again.

This isn’t none of her business, even though, Lexa is unable to let her roommate there. Sighing, she kicks the door to close it. Then, she grabs one of Clarke’s arm and put it on her shoulders. Immediately, Lexa realizes it won’t be enough and places her hand on the girl’s waist.

The blonde doesn’t protest when it’s dragged, she just chuckles. At least, one of them is having fun.

Lexa kicks another door, this time, Clarke’s room. Although she wants to finish this quickly, she stops and looks around. It’s strange because, even if it’s old Anya’s room, the decoration gives the impression of being a different place. The part that surprise her the most is the desk, which is full of sketches. The drawings cover the desk and a portion of the floor, as if Clarke doesn’t care about them. There’s even one of them, the face of a smiling boy, that is partially wrinkled. Lexa isn’t an expert about drawing skills, but she has the impression that this sketch is full of angry. The lines of the drawing are abrupt, almost if Clarke would want to break the paper. 

Feeling a bit guilty, as if she was doing something bad, Lexa continues dragging the blonde to her bed. In her mind the plan was simple: she just needs to lie her down and leave. She wasn’t expecting that Clarke, when she was dropping her, would grab her by the neck of the shirt.

Lexa lurches forward, trying to maintain the balance, but Clarke pushes, and she ends falling on top of her. Lexa tries to get up, but the blonde keeps grabbing her, so she fails. Upset, she faces her with the intention of asking to let her go. Her words die at the same moment she realizes that they are too close. Too fucking close, with their noses almost touching.

Clarke breaks the distance, getting closer to kiss her on her cheek. Although the touch only lasts some seconds, it causes her to shiver. 

“Thanks for carrying meeee,” mutters Clarke before closing her eyes.

For a moment, Lexa doesn’t react. She’s freezes.

She hasn’t been too close with nobody since Costia’s death.

The thought makes her jump and release herself of Clarke’s hug. This time, the girl doesn’t grab her, probably she has passed out.

Free, Lexa runs away. She wants to be in any other place, but she ends in front of Costia’s room. The third room of the apartment that’s been empty for almost a year. She sits on  
the floor, unable to get in. The last time she was there, her girlfriend was alive.

She’s upset, she shouldn’t feel so nervous and her heart shouldn’t beat faster. She shouldn’t think of what could happened if she had kiss Clarke.

No, love is weakness and only brings pain.

She learnt that lesson and she refuses to even think about falling in love again.


	4. Troubles everywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4! Hope you like it :)

The first thing Clarke realizes when she opens her eyes, is the headache. Secondly, that’s she’s in her room, even if she doesn’t remember get in, and wearing the same clothes of yesterday.

Dizzy, she sits on the bed, pressing her head with her hands. _What happened?_ It’s hard, but she tries to focus on her last memories. She remembers feeling sad, so she started drawing, and for a moment everything was fine… Until she found herself drawing Finn’s face. And that was the straw that broke the camel.

Clarke growls at the same time her memories become clearer. Drawing Finn was painful, and she made the mistake of going to the closest bar. She was alone, at seven there aren’t a lot of people drinking. The time passed and she spent… An hour there? Yeah, more or less. At some point, she made the only good idea of all the afternoon and decided to return. It was easy arrive, but she had some problems opening the door. And then… _What the hell happened then?_

The image of Lexa’s worried face come in a flash.

Clarke gets up. She remembers now. Lexa opened the door and carried her to her room until her bed...

“Fuck,” she groans. She doesn’t need mirror to be sure of the faint blush on her cheeks. 

She can’t believe she made a fool of herself in front of Lexa, that she even kissed her.

With one hand pressing her head, Clarke walks to the bathroom. She clears her face, but not her feelings; the shame won’t go away so easy. Before leaving, she takes a pill for the headache.

In the kitchen, Lexa is having breakfast, but stops when she sees Clarke. Lexa stares at her raising an eyebrow. “I wasn’t expecting you to get up so early,” she smirks, but her smile doesn’t seem natural. “How are you?”

“I’m fine”, she mutters. Without facing her, Clarke walks to a closet and takes a cup. “And I’m very sorry.”  


“It’s ok. And…” she hesitates some seconds. “Do you remember what happened?” she asks with a suspicious voice, but Clarke pretends she hasn’t noticed. Lexa has enough reasons to be uncomfortable.  


“Some parts.” Maybe, if she wasn’t so good lying, she would be more honest, but she’s very skilled. “I remember that you opened the door, that’s all. I suppose you carry me until my room, don’t you?”  


Lexa smiles with some relief. The blonde acts as if she isn’t aware while prepares a cup of coffee with a lot of sugar.  


“Yeah, you passed out, and I couldn’t leave you on the hall.”  


“About that… Sorry and thank you.”  


Say ‘thank you’ breaks her pride even more. It’s humiliating the fact that she had showed Lexa her weakest side. At least, the brunette is trying to act with normally, only more polite than other days.  


“Don’t worry.”  


Lexa ends her breakfast and leaves some minutes later, and Clarke sighs, relieved. Even if Lexa had been smiling all the time, they were surrounded by an uncomfortable silence. And that’s Clarke fault.  


Alone, it takes her a while end her own breakfast. She’s not hungry, she hasn’t anything better to do and the headache doesn’t help. Meanwhile, Lexa hadn’t stop and, in some moment, she says goodbye and go outside, probably to the gym.  


Clarke finishes the coffee when is completely cold. Then, finally, she stands up and goes to her room. It’s a mess in comparation on how it was some days ago, when Wells helped her moving. Even though, she isn’t motivated enough to fix it. In general, Clarke feels she isn’t motivated to do anything besides drawing.  


Tired of being tired, she sits on the floor. She doesn’t want to feel this way, trapped in this mix of sadness and apathy and, sometimes, rage.

**

Lexa is proud of herself. She had acted with normality, as if she’s fine about what happened yesterday. And she’s fine. Completely fine. She was only surprised because it was unexpected, anyone would react as she did. That’s all.  


Even though, in her way to the gym, she can’t stop thinking about Clarke. She doesn’t want to be involved with her, but she’s worried. She would understand if Clarke arrives drunk at night, they are in holidays, it’s normal. What it isn’t is arriving around eight totally drunk. And she came alone, she hasn’t anyone to accompany her?  


A part of Lexa would like to ask her, maybe even help her. But the other part can’t forget all the troubles she caused on school, for example, the time she made that ten guys of Skaikru were spelled for a month. And this part hates the idea of helping her.  


Lexa arrives at the gym without any solution, but she leaves all the doubts on the street. She needs to be focused when she works.  


Gustus is in his place as the receptionist and smiles her when she passes next to him. “Hi, Lexa.”  


She smiles him back while she walks. “Hi, Gustus.”  


Sometimes, if she comes earlier, they talk a little, but not today. In this occasion, Lexa only has ten minutes to leave her bag on the locker and prepare the class.  


She’s dropping on the floor the last mat when Aden arrives. The boy is always the first and, even if she shouldn’t admit it, her favourite. She knows him for a long time and it’s like the brother she never had.  


“Heda! What are we going to do today?”  


Although she is no longer the Heda, the boy keeps calling her by the nickname. At the beginning it bothered her a little, but now she’s used to that.  


“Today we have kick boxing.”  


The boy nods without his usual enthusiasm. Aden is quite calm, but he’s always smiling, especially in the classes. And he loves kick boxing.  


“Aden, are you alright?”  


“Of course,” Aden nods again. “There’s nothing you have to worry about.”  


Before she could insist, two students arrive. Aden runs toward them, leaving her without an explanation.

**

With ten minutes of the class, Lexa is 100% sure that there’s something wrong with Aden and he won’t tell her anything. As if she didn’t have enough with Clarke, now she needs to find out what’s happening with her little friend.  


At the end of the class, the boy picks up his bag and leaves with the rest of the teammates. He says goodbye when he’s in the door and she can’t keep asking anymore.  


Frustrated, Lexa walks away. She had an hour until her next class, so she goes to the cardio section. This is one of the largest of the gym and the most popular, so, at this hour, they are around fifteen clients. Even thought, Lexa has no problem finding Anya. She’s in her usual place, in the running machine that’s next to the wall. But, surprisingly, she’s not running. She’s in front of the machine, talking with another girl that’s running.  


_What the fuck is happening today??_  


Lexa gets close to them trying to hide her astonishment. The girl is around Lexa’s age, maybe two or three years younger than Anya. She’s pretty, even if her face shows angriness and that she’s pissed. As Lexa approaches, she notices that some strands of her brunette hair had escaped her ponytail. Also, that she hasn’t saw her before.  


When Anya hears her, she whipped her face toward her with a small smile. Witch, coming from her, it’s a loving expression.  


“Heda,” she says. For Anya, depending on the persons she’s talking, one word could mean: ‘good morning, how are you?’ or ‘I’m busy, don’t bother me’. In this case, Lexa hopes it’s de first option.  


“Ey, Anya.”  


Although she wants to ask her about Aden, Lexa doesn’t say anything else. She just raises and eyebrow and waits for some explanation of who the fuck is that girl. This isn’t the first time Anya brings a friend or her flirt to the gym, but it’s unusual that she allowed someone to use that treadmill. She must be someone special.  


“Lexa, this is Raven. We work together.” Her explanation is short and simple, Anya never wastes time talking too much. “Raven, this is my friend Lexa.”  


Raven stops running and shakes her head. She looks suffocated, but she manages to turn down the machine with grace. “Nice to meet you.”  


“Likewise.” Then, she turns to Anya. “I’m leaving now, thanks for showing me the gym,” she says, tense.  


“You’re welcome,” response Anya. Before she could continue, the girl walks away. “See you later,” she adds. “I guess.”  


Now that they are all the alone they could be considering they are in the middle of a gym, Lexa confronts her friend.  


“What?” she starts. “I mean, who is she?”  


“I’ve already told you; she works with me.”  


“And you decide to bring her… here?”  


Anys shrugs, indifferent. “I met her last week and she seemed to be having a bad time. And you know, doing exercise it’s the best solution.”  


Lexa is pretty sure that doing exercise doesn’t fix your problems. It could help you to feel better, but the problem stills there. Even though, she doesn’t argue with Anya. It’s hard to ignore all the stuff that Titus taught them. Specially, when he was right in some of his lessons.  


There’s also another reason Lexa doesn’t start another argument: Anya’s comment has given her an idea.  


“I could bring Clarke,” she mutters to herself.  


“Clarke?” For the first time, Anya’s expression changes to show strangeness. “What does she have to do with this?”

That’s a very good question.


	5. A needed talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5!

After finishing the last class, Lexa went to Anya’s house. For the first time, she didn’t find the forty minutes unbearably longs, she was too busy thinking about inviting Clarke to the gym and how she could do it. 

When she arrived, the girl has a plan in mind. A plan that would, as always, go wrong in some way and she’ll have to improvise. After all, she’s a useless lesbian. Even though, it’s nice imagine the perfect scenario.

In Anya’s apartment, Lexa helps her friend to prepare the lunch. Then, while they are eating, she explains why she found Aden’s behaviour unusual. As Lexa was expecting, Anya isn’t very concerned.

“Lexa, he’s almost thirteen, it’s normal.”

“Don’t you dare to say it’s a puberty thing.” She threats her with the fork. “Boys doesn’t change one day to another.”

Anya shrugs. “Then, you should give him some time. It’s possible that it’s nothing important, maybe he had argued with a friend and in some days he’ll be ok. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.”

“Agh,” she sighs. Lexa hates when Anya sounds so reasonable. “All right, but, if next Monday he continues acting strange, we’ll do something. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Lexa nods, satisfied. Anya doesn’t care about a lot of things, but, when she agrees to do something, she’ll fulfill her deal. Anya had never let her down.

They didn’t talk much more the rest of the lunch. Every time Lexa asked her something about Raven, Anya replied with questions about Clarke, so, at the end, they decided to eat in silence. It was a bit uncomfortable, but it gave her the excuse to buy some candles in her way to the apartment. It’s been a while since the last time she bought some and lately she has too many things to worry about. She should be enjoying the holidays before the start of the classes and all the stress. Yeah, it’s a valid excuse.

Although, when she is about to get in the shop, a familiar voice calls her name.

**

Clarke was sending a message to Wells when she received a text from Octavia. In other situation she could pretend she hadn’t seen it and answer later, but she is in a chat, so her friends should know she’s connected. Sighing, she opens the message. It’s funny the coincidence, she was talking to Wells to meet next Saturday to go to the cinema, and now, Octavia is also asking her to hang out. The memory of her last drunkenness is what makes her say yes without doubting. One time is more than enough, she has to use every opportunity to go outside her room without doing anything harmless.

Octavia’s reply doesn’t take too long, now asking her if she’s busy right now. Clarke knows her friend enough to imagine how will this continue if she doesn’t stop. And the real question is if she wants it to stop. She’s sure that Octavia has good intentions and going outside it would be good for her, but she isn’t able to be honest and agree. She has a pending conversation with her and this moment she can’t have it. Not now. 

That’s the reason why she lies again. Lately, she’s always lying. And ironically, this was the reason of her breakout him Finn.

Clarke shakes her head and switch off the mobile. She’ll face Octavia one day, but not this. Maybe next week, when she hopes she’s ready. She needs to be, sucks being like this.  
Soon, she forgets about her short conversation with Octavia, focusing her attention in the draft. She doesn’t know why she started drawing the front door of the Grounder’s school, but she’s enjoying it. Specially, when she adds Lexa and her friends into the picture. The girl is like she remembers four years ago, but her face is less threatening. It fit her a softer expression.

Suddenly, the calm of her room is broken when the door is abruptly opened.

“What?” Clarke asks, blinking.

At the other side of the door, Octavia smiles at her standing with her arms in her hips.

“Ey, Clarke,” she says, as if it’s completely normal that’s she’s there. 

“What?” repeats Clarke. “What are you doing here??” 

Octavia bits her lip, losing part of her confidence. She sits on the floor in front of Clarke looking at her eyes.

“Lincoln and I encountered Lexa in the street and, well, I’d wanted to take this change to say that I’m sorry.”

Clarke eye’s wide for the surprise. She must be dreaming.

“I have been a terrible friend,” she continues. “I shouldn’t have blame you for support Bellamy’s choice. Even if I hate Echo, he’s free to be with her. You did nothing wrong.”

Yeah, this is a dream. Other way, Octavia couldn’t be there apologizing.

“Octavia…”

“Please, let me finish,” she says, firmly. “I should have talk with you sooner to fix this, not wait three months. You are one of my best friends, I should have been with you when you needed me the most. I came here to stop this nonsense because you need your friends. And I have been talking with Wells and he’s very concerned, I mean, even Lexa is worried for you!” She stops some seconds. “Please, let me help you,” she adds, softly.

“Octavia…” She swallows. “Thank you, I really appreciate this, but it’s fine. I’m fine, you don’t have to worry.” Her voice cracks and this time she isn’t able to keep on lying. Probably because this is so unexpected, and she wasn’t ready to face Octavia. Or just heard her apology.

“Please, Clarke.”

Octavia stands up and extends her hand to Clarke. Not very sure, she takes her friend’s hand, accepting her help to get up. After some hesitation, facing the other without doing anything, they hug. It’s a bit uncomfortable at first, probably it’ll be for some time, but Clarke is sure that she’ll get used again.

“I don’t know why we hadn’t talk earlier,” she whispers. She missed it, and right now she feels like an idiot.

“Because we have the bad costume of not listen to Wells.”

Clarke laughs, remembering all the times her friend tried to convince her to solve they’re differences. And, for the last words of Octavia, she wasn’t the only one who was lectured by Wells.

When they pull away, Octavia smiles. “Now, come, I have to tell you something.”

Before Clarke could ask her why they need to get out her room, her friend is already in the hallway, so she follows her.

Clarke isn’t really surprise of seeing Lincoln in the living room, but she isn’t expecting finding him laughing with Lexa. The girl seems relaxed and Clarke had never seen her smiling that way. She looks like a different person.

While Clarke remains stun, Octavia, acting as if this is her own house, walks toward them. They are sitting in a small couch that only can fit three people, especially if one of them is so big as Lincoln, so Octavia sits on her boyfriend’s lap.

Feeling like an intruder, Clarke sits in the last space, near Lexa. She tries to be as far as she can, but they’re legs are close, almost touching. Lexa must find it uncomfortable because she avoids her eyes and turns to face Lincoln and Octavia.

“Now that we are together,” starts Octavia. Her smile is so genuine that Clarke find herself smiling to. “It’s the moment of the great announcement.” After a dramatical and unnecessary silence, she continues. “This Saturday night we have a party.”

Clarke’s smile disappears as soon as she understands the plan of her friend. 

“Octavia,” says Lincoln, softly, after some seconds. “I think you should explain you better.”

“Yeah, but it’s simple. This Saturday at nine in our home, both of you are invited and I don’t accept a no for answer. Very simple.”

“I can’t go, I’ve already plan to go to the cinema with Wells,” protests Clarke.

“Don’t worry.” Octavia shakes her hand, downplaying it. “I’ve talk with Wells, he’s invited too, and he told me you’ll have enough time to go and come back.”

“Wells is invited? Who else is going to come?” She tries to hide the distress in her voice. Octavia should know why she’s worry, but there’s no need that Lexa and Lincoln know too.

“Murphy, Emori, Anya, Nyko and a friend of him.” Octavia glares at her with a look that says: ‘Do you really think I would invite Finn or his friends? You can trust me’

“Anya?” asks Lexa. “Have you convinced her?”

Octavia and Lincoln exchange a look.

“Mostly,” says the girl.

“Not yet,” admit her boyfriend at the same time.

Lexa chuckles and even Clarke smiles a bit.

“But if you talk with her”, continues Octavia. “She’ll agree. So… could you ask her?”

“I can try it.” Suddenly, Lexa doubts, as if she had remembered something. “Do you mind if she brings a friend? Well, actually co-worker and probably flirt.”

“The more the merrier,” replies Lincoln.

“Yeah,” confirms his girlfriend. “Do we know her?” 

“I don’t think so, I met her this morning.”

While Octavia starts an interrogation about that person, Clarke bits her lip as the feeling of being an intruder keeps growing. She knows Octavia for almost ten years, has a good   
relationship with Lincoln since he also studies medicine and is living with Lexa, she shouldn’t feel this way. Even though, the three of them seems in sync.

Lexa, as if she had realized that Clarke has spent the last minutes in silence, turns to her. “Clarke, what do you think? Would you come?”

Although it would be easy refuse, say an excuse and run away, Clarke nods. She’s jaded of being in her room without doing anything. It’s a good chance to move on.

“Yes, I’ll be there.”

Octavia claps her hands. “Perfect!”

**

They kept chatting for a long time, so long that Octavia and Lincoln ended staying there to dinner. And, somehow, Lexa enjoyed the company of all of them, even Clarke. The girl, in presence of her friend, showed energetic. And Lexa couldn’t stop staring at her, asking herself what was wrong with her, why she seemed to be so sad.

In some moment, Lexa kept looking at her too much time and Clarke realized.

“Do you want something?”

Lexa bits her lip, cursing herself for being so obvious. The worst part is that Octavia and Lincoln stare at them, curious. 

She can’t admit her real reason, so she just says the first thing that comes to her mind. “I was wondering if you would like to come tomorrow to the gym.”

Clarke opens her eyes, perplexed and, luckily, she doesn’t realize the shock in Octavia and Lincoln faces. Specially, the boy is the most astonished. He knows her for enough years   
to know that her, like Anya, doesn’t proposed everybody to go to the gym.

“Since I’m working there, I can show you the place for free” explains Lexa, nervous but maintaining her façade of confidence. “And if you like it, you could sign up.”

“Sure, why not,” answers Clarke, shrugging.

Lexa smiles, ignoring the question in Lincoln face. She’s happy that the girl had accepted, but in her head was planning something… better. Even though, she’s not surprised. As always, her plans have the tendency to fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing Lexa as a useless lesbian.


	6. Unfortunate encounters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6!!

Like yesterday, Lexa finds Anya and Raven in the cardio section. Lexa walks quickly towards them, wishing that this conversation won’t takes them too long. Clarke told her she will come to visit the gym and Lexa wants to give her a good impression.

In this occasion, Raven seems less tense and aggressive and Lexa wonders if is for the fact that Anya is giving her a massage. Anya doesn’t work there anymore and, even if she does, this isn’t the right place. However, no one will tell her anything, she’s too threatening. Although she’s on the floor massaging very gently, the cold in her eyes act as a barrier.

“Hi.” Lexa needs to speak louder than she’s used to catch they’re attention because they are completely focused on the other.

Anya stops her massage and look at her, raising an eyebrow. In that gesture there’s an implicit question of _what do you want?_ “Heda.”

“Hi,” answers Raven, also curious.

“A friend organizes a party tomorrow evening; do you want to come?” Ups, maybe that’s a bit abruptly, but it’s late to change it.

“Tomorrow?” asks Anya, cautious.

“Yeah, it has been a little improvised. Nothing fancy, it’ll be simple, we’ll only be nine. Eleven if you two come.”

“It could be a good idea,” admitted Anya, although not very pleasant. She doesn’t enjoy parties or social events in general. “Raven, what do you think?”

The girl shrugs, pretending that she doesn’t care, but her eyes are more honest. And for a moment they were brighter.

“I don’t think I could go, my work shift end at eight.”

“Anya can bring you.”

“Yeah, I can bring you.”

Anya and Lexa nods at the same time, like if they want to corroborate the same point. Raven’s lips twitch up at the corners while stares at them.

“Fine,” she agrees.

Lexa smiles lightly while she turns around and goes to wait for Clarke outside.

**

Clarke finds Lexa on the street waiting for her. She’s leaning against the door of the gym while she looks something in her phone, but raises her head when Clarke get closes.

“Hi, did you had problems finding the gym?” asks Lexa with a small smile.

When the girl turns to her, Clarke blinks. Lexa wears short pants and a black top that show a tattoo on her very toned right arm that Clarke didn’t know she had. She’s so fucking hot that for a moment Clarke forgets how to speak.

“Ehh, no, it was ho-, I mean, easy,” she mutters.

“Perfect”. Lexa, without realizing the effect she is causing, shakes her head. “C’mon, I’ll show you the gym.”

Clarke follows her and, although she tries, she isn’t willing to pay attention. She hears her voice distant while Lexa explains the activities they do, prizes and introduces her some persons. Clarke manages to nod and, sometimes, answer with one or two words. She needs almost five minutes to stop staring at her and listen.

When they arrive to the cardio section, Clarke is finally able to act as a normal person and looks all the machines instead of Lexa’s back. It’s hard because it’s barely visible another tattoo and now Clarke wants to know how it is. The normal curiosity of an artist.

“Look, this is Anya, the friend that we talk yesterday with Octavia and Lincoln. She’s three years older than us, so maybe you don’t remember her from our… school days.” Lexa points a blonde woman that is talking with another girl. Although both have their backs to them, Clarke glances her eyes. She has a bad the feeling, as if she knows the other girl. 

“She’ll come to Octavia’s party.”

Clarke nods. Again, she isn’t paying her full attention to Lexa, but this time for a very different reason. Her bad feeling is growing, and every step is harder than the last. Before Anya and the girl turn around and see them, Clarke recognized her.

Raven.

Suddenly, she can’t hear anything. She’s completely focuses on Raven’s face; in the way her eyes widen. At first for surprise, then they change to pain and hate.

“Clarke?” asks Lexa. “Are you alright?”

Lexa’s voice returns her to the reality and Clarke can’t hold on. She doesn’t say anything when she stars running in the opposite direction.

**

Lexa had realized Clarke was a bit distracted during her visit to the gym, but she didn’t think a lot about it. Maybe she wasn’t interested. Although, she doesn’t have any explanation for her recent behaviour, for her running away.

Confused, Lexa exchanges a look with Anya. Her friend seems so lost as her, but at least she can search for an explanation in Raven.

“Do you know her?”

Raven nods, muted. Her face shows a mix of feeling and the only think Lexa can do is wonder if Clarke feels the same way. Although this shouldn’t concern her, Lexa mutters an apology and turns around. At the beginning she walks, but, once she arrives at the street, she runs. 

She has no idea where’s Clarke, she doesn’t even know why she’s going after her, but she can’t stop. Lexa follows her instinct and goes into her apartment direction and, when she turns the corner and spots for a second a blonde hair, she knows that she made the right decision.

In front of her, only some metres away, Clarke runs. She’s fast, but not as fast as her, so Lexa doesn’t need a lot of time to grab her wrist. They stop so abruptly that Clarke almost fall to the ground. Lexa, without thinking what she’s doing, catch her, grabbing her waist.

“Clarke…?” stammers Lexa, conscient that they are almost hugging.

Clarke raises her head, blinking while she tries to bite back her tears. She’s panting, and trembling, but most important, she glances at Lexa a furious look.

Lexa regretting her last choices, releases her. “Sorry, I shouldn’t grab you,” she mutters, wishing to be in any other place than this. “I just wanted to know if you were fine, but I’ll leave you…”

Before she could end, Clarke steps close until she leans her head in Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa freezes, shivering when she feels Clarke’s breath in her neck. Only when the girl starts sobbing, Lexa manages to raise her arms and hug her. She tries to image what would Lincoln do in this situation but is hard and she’s completely lost. She’s used to Anya’s cold  
behaviour and avoiding the questions about feelings. So, she just stays there, wrapping Clarke softly.

The minutes pass and, slowly, Clarke’s sobs decreases. Then, she pulls away, rubbing her face with her sleeve. Besides cleaning her tears, is like she wants to hide.

“Sorry,” she says with crack voice.

“It’s ok.” Lexa looks away, trying to give her some space. In doing so, she remembers that they are in the middle of the street and the people who walk next to them are staring, curious. “I think we should go home.”

Clarke doesn’t react until Lexa grabs her hand, tugging her a little. None of them say anything in her way to the apartment, but at least Clarke overcomes and, when they arrive,  
she doesn’t cry anymore. She doesn’t say anything, neither. Some minutes ago, she seemed to be distressed, now she just looks empty.

Lexa is even more lost than before. If she was in Clarke position, she would like to be alone, with no one bothering her. Even though, she remembers what Costia told her some years ago, and her words are what push her to squeezes Clarke’s hand.

“Do you want to talk?”

Even if she offered, she’s sure that Clarke will refuse. For her surprise, the blonde sighs.

“I met Finn in our final years of school.” Her voice is a bit broken. “He came from Arkadia, so for him Polis was an amazing city. He was childly, energetic and charmed, and with him everything was nicer.” She smiles but is a brittle smile. “Although I knew he loved me, I was so busy to have a relationship…”

She doesn’t have to end; Lexa knows what she is talking about.

“For one reason or another, we didn’t start dating until last the year, but in January we already were living together.” She shallows. “Besides some ups and downs we were fine, we were happy. Until last week a girl appeared in our apartment. Raven. That was the moment we found out that Finn was cheating on us.”

Lexa opens her eyes. Suddenly, everything makes sense. “What an asshole.”

“Yeah,” she agrees with a bittersweet voice. “He hid the fact that he was in a distance-relationship with another girl. He never mentioned her, even if there were together for six years. And Raven didn’t know about me, she came to give him a surprise because she had found a job here or something like that. I guess she wanted to surprise him.”

Okay. _What is she supposed to say in this kind of situation?_

“I’m sorry, Clarke,” she mutters. She tries to fill her word with empathy, hopping it would comfort her a little. 

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine. It’s just that… although everything, a part of me stills love him. And sometimes I even think about unblocking him and sending a message. But no, it’s over.”

Clarke seems better now and, realizing they were holding hands all this time, Lexa releases her, wishing Clarke hasn’t find it strange.

“Anyway.” Clarke crosses her arms and looks away. She doesn’t look angry or sad, only embarrassed. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I… I’m sorry, I messed up earlier…”

“Hey, It’s fine.” Lexa is honest, she really means it. “It’s understandable.”

“You are right, it’s fine.” She shakes her head and, when they’re eyes meet again, Clarke seems recovered. “That asshole already screwed enough my holidays.”

**

In front of her, Lexa stares at her astonished. Clarke understand her, it must be so confusing, but Clarke can’t control her feelings. In the gym she was heartbroken, then angry and now relieved. She is in a swirl of emotions, but finally she starts to calm down. And she feels fine for the first time since they’re break out. A bit embarrassed for crying while she was hugging Lexa, but fine.

“Thanks for listen to me,” she says with a neutral tone. Clarke isn’t ready to show how grateful she is. How much she needed to blow off steam. 

“Now, I’ll go back to the gym.”  


“Wait.” Lexa blinks even more confuse than before. “What?”

It’s so cute seeing her without her usual confidence that Clarke smiles. “I have to talk with Raven.”

It’s been a week; it’s the moment to get over it on and start moving on. And the first thing she must do is talking with Raven. She isn’t very sure of the reason, only that she should do it.

Clarke turns around and goes to the door. After some hesitation, she hears Lexa’s footsteps and soon she is on her left. Both remain in silence while they walk back to the gym. Clarke appreciates it, those minutes help her to put some order in her ideas. She had already told Wells the full story and a version to Octavia, Bellamy and her mother, but it’s the first time she admitted her feelings. Because, although the pain, her love can’t fade away so easily. Probably, if Finn was crueller or didn’t show remorse, it would be easier hate him. But no, she had to remember the sock in his face, the way he pronounced her name in the verge of tears when he asked to stay.

Before she realizes, they are in the gym. Lexa looks her mobile, nervous.

“I have to go to a class,” she mumbles, insecure. Also, adorable as hell.

“Of course, don’t worry for me. We’ll talk later, okay?”

Lexa nods and smiles her. “Good luck,” she says before walking away.

Since when Lexa is encouraging her? And why she smiles her back and appreciates it? Lately her life is being a mess.

Clarke sighs and jerks her head. Now she must focus on Raven, not Lexa.

As she wished, she finds Raven in the same place she left her. That makes Clarke wonder how long she has been outside. Fifteen minutes? Probably more, but she has the feeling that her conversation with Lexa happened in a different day.

“Raven,” starts Clarke once she is in front of the other girl. “Can we talk?”

Raven stares at her deadpan, but her eyes show her confusion and anger.

“I guess.” She crosses her arms. “What do you want?”

Although Clarke was expecting going to a private place, she doesn’t say anything. After running away, she can’t be demanding. Even if Anya is there looking at them, with some curiosity.

“I wanted to apologize, I’m sorry that this happened to you. And I promise that, if I knew you were together, I would never star dating him. And… That’s all.”

She feels even reliever than before. And she really hopes it help Raven too, even if just a bit.

“That’s all?” asks Raven. Her façade of indifference has fall apart, revelling a genuine surprise.

Clarke nods. 

“You really didn’t know?” 

“No.”

“And you aren’t with him anymore?”

“Never.” She can’t control it and her tone sounds harsh. But with everything that happened, the only thing she’s sure is this one. She could never forgive him, not completely, and this would be the source of new arguments. New fights. Maybe one day she can think about Finn without feeling angry, maybe one day they can even be friends again. But no lovers, because for that she would need trust him.

They stare in silence, Clarke wondering why she hasn’t turn around yet. What is she waiting for? Clearly, Raven hasn’t anything to add. Before she could start moving, Anya sighs and the two girls look at her. Clarke had almost forgot about her.

“Why don’t you just start over? If you two are planning to come to this gym, it’ll be uncomfortable,” she explains as if it’s obvious.

Clarke’s eyes widen. How could she make it sound so easy?

Surprisingly, Raven shrugs. “That’s fine for me.”

“Then, it’s fine for me too.”

**

“In the end, Raven is nicer than I supposed,” finishes Clarke.

She hears Octavia’s laugh so clearly that she almost feels that they are talking in front of the other and not with the mobile.

“Now I want to know her, luckily, she and Anya will come to my party. You are fine with that, right?”

“Yeah. I survived eating with her, Anya and Lexa, a party will be nothing.”

If she’s honest, she isn’t sure how she managed to have that lunch. After Lexa ended her class, Anya surprised them with the idea of going somewhere together. None of them, not even Anya, seemed to be very motivated, but in the end they accepted. Although at the beginning it was awfully uncomfortable, an hour later they almost look as if they were in good terms.

“True.”

“And Believe me, it can’t be more uncomfortable than our first meeting.”

She hears Octavia’s laugh again and Clarke smiles too. She really missed having this kind of conversation with her friend. Especially when she needs to ask her something.

“Changing the subject,” starts Clarke. “Lexa helped me today and I want to, I don’t know, pay her back? I mean, doing something good for her. I own her.” She takes a deep breath to stop talking. “You know what I mean, right?”

“Of course.” Octavia’s voice sounds too pleased. “And I have the answer.”

“So…?”

“Tonight, you have to prepare a dinner.”

“What? We already eat together this afternoon.”

“Yeah, in a restaurant. If you want to do something special to her, your best option is a dinner in your house. Just you and her and a lot of candles.”

Clarke waits few seconds to hear a laugh or a signal that Octavia is messing with her. It never comes.

“Are you serious?”

“Totally. Believe me, I know her for a long time.”

“We’ll talk about that later; you owe me some explanations. Since when are you two so close?”

“Right, we’ll talk about it later. Now you have homework.”


	7. Candles and romance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7!! I have a lot of fun writing this chapter, I hope you like it too!

Lexa doesn’t remember the last time she was so exhausted. It isn’t something physical, she can spend all the afternoon training in the gym. It’s, in fact, something more emotional mixed with lack of sleep. Lately she has troubles falling sleep. Also, her concern for Aden, who kept acting strange, hiding a secret. Then, Clarke. She just… don’t understand her. She tries, but the way she changes of one mood to another isn’t something she’s used to. She also doesn’t know in which terms are their relationship. Are they friends? Because Clarke opened up and, after that, they had lunch together. And what was Anya thinking? How she could believe that going the four of them wouldn’t be awkward? It ended well, but…

With those questions, the only desire of Lexa was to be alone for a while, but Octavia insisted on being all the afternoon with her. So, instead of a calm afternoon in her apartment reading a book, she spent that time with Octavia, going from one store to another to buy all the stuff to the party of the Saturday. 

In conclusion, Lexa is completely exhausted when she arrives to her apartment. Her only plan is a shower and a simple dinner. And then she’ll go to sleep. She needs a good rest to prepare herself for tomorrow with Octavia’s party. They’ll be few people and she know all of them, but she’s pretty bad socialating. Well, she’s pretty bad with people in general.

Lexa is so tired that she almost doesn’t see Clarke standing in front of her in the middle of the halfway. Lexa blinks, trying to hide her surprise.

“Clarke? Is something wrong?”

The girl shakes her head. She looks nervous, maybe a bit uncomfortable. Although the lights are off, Lexa can see that the girl is blushing.

“No, everything is fine,” she bites her lip. “Just… please come to the kitchen.”

“Okay…” agrees Lexa, insecure, and follows her.

Of all possibilities she can think, open the door to find the kitchen illuminated for a dozen of candles, isn’t one of them. This time, she’s unable to hide her shock. She has no idea of what’s going on.

Gently, Clarke holds her hand and pulls her a little, guiding her to the table. Finally, Lexa overcomes for the surprise and sits. The blonde takes the sit in front of her and for a moment they stare without saying anything. With the decoration of the table, the candles and the way Clarke looks at her, this could seem like a romantic dinner. The boxes of pizza between them is the only thing that screw that sensation.

“Sorry, I’m only good cooking deserts, so it’s better if I don’t cook anything,” starts Clarke. “And Octavia told me you love pizza.”

_Octavia?_

Finally, Lexa’s brains remember that is capable of thinking and put the pieces together.

“This is Octavia’s idea, right?”

“Yeah, she promised me that you would like this. Please, tell me she wasn’t lying.”

“Ehh, no, don’t worry, I lov-.” She stops. Saying out loud ‘I love a dinner with the only light of the candles’ sounds strange no matter how. “I like this.” No, that doesn’t sound better. “Anyway, why have you plan this?”

Like her, Clarke struggles before she speaks. “You really helped me today, so… I wanted to do something for you.”

Was Clarke always so soft? Maybe it’s because Clarke has already showed her vulnerability side, but Lexa is amazed that the girl sitting in across of her is the same one that always caused troubles at school.

“Thank you.”

That’s all Clarke needs to relax and smirk. “This is my way of saying thank you, I’m not sure if you should thank me too.”

“Okay.” She smiles, there’s no point in pretend she hasn’t found it funny. “You’re welcome.”

For the next minutes, they eat. In silence at first, but, bit by bit, they start talking. And Lexa begins to feel less sleepy.

“Honestly,” admits Clarke at some point. “I thought I had misheard when Anya proposed to have a lunch together. Later I hopped she was joking.”

“Anya joking? That is a joke.”

Clarke laughs and Lexa realizes is the first time she hears her laughing. The girl really seems in a better mood than the last days.

“Yeah. I don’t know her, but she looks serious.”

Serious? Most people define her as intimidating and scary. Or Clarke is trying to be polite or she’s used to delinquents. Lexa has the feeling is the second option.

“Indeed, she is. But she has also a nice side. For example, she’s trying to help Raven. If Anya showed her the gym and proposed having a lunch is for something. Probably she thought it could cheer Raven up.

Although Anya’s cold attitude, Lexa knows that deep down she cares for others. And she shows it in her own way.

“Whoa, we really have a lot in common besides our bad luck with guys.”

Lexa stares a few seconds until she understands Clarke is referring to Raven and not to Anya. “Right.”

Even though Lexa’s plan was to go to bed early, she stayed with Clarke for over an hour. Lexa decided ended the dinner when she wasn’t almost able to hold a yawn. She didn’t want to give the impression she was bored, so she made an excuse and cleaned the dishes.

Later, in her bed, Lexa stays awake. She can’t forget all the times Octavia mentioned that Clarke and she had more things in common than they thought. That they could even work together. 

Lying in her bed, unable to fall sleep although being tired, Lexa realizes that Octavia’s words doesn’t sound so crazy now.

**

Saturday afternoon, in their way to the cinema, Clarke updated Wells about all the things that happened the day before. Or at least, a part. She skipped some pieces, like the moment she cried on Lexa’s shoulder or the dinner they shared. Her excuse was that her friend didn’t need to know everything. She wasn’t embarrassed at all.  
Fortunately, the boy reacted as she wished and focused on the important parts. 

“I can’t believe you and Raven share the same gym,” he says after Clarke finished. “What a coincidence.”

“Yeah. And talking about unexpected relationships, did you know that Octavia and Lexa were friends?”

“Nope.” 

Wells shrugs as if she doesn’t care, but Clarke notices a guilty expression.

“Really?”

“Okay,” he sighs. In general, he’s very good hiding secrets, even though, sometimes he’s completely obvious. “I wasn’t sure, but it isn’t a big surprise for me. I saw them together a couple of times when we were at school.”

Clarke’s eyes widen and stops abruptly. What did he just say?

“They were friends at school?? Why did she never tell me!?”

“Because you would freaked out?” His tone is the one he always uses when he acts as the voice of reason. “I’m not sure if they were friends at school, maybe they just knew a little. But try to understand her: Octavia was the only one who leaved our differences behind. She probably was afraid of your reaction; remember how we react when we discovered she was dating Lincoln.”

That moment was a difficult to forget. No one understood her and, even if some of them accepted, others like Bellamy needed more time. Months. Clarke bites her lip remembering that Finn was the first who acted as if was normal.

“But now I wouldn’t be mad at her,” reasons Clarke, trying to get back to their conversation once they walk again.

“Clarke, before you started living with Lexa, you hated her. If you didn’t see how she is now, you wouldn’t be really supportive.”

“Ugh, okay, you are right. But I’m completely fine with Octavia and Lexa being friends.”

“And it’s also fine if you two become friends.”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen. We are too different. Probably we’ll never be close.”

“Sure? Then I guess I won’t say that it’s okay too if you like her.”

“What the fuck are you talking about???” She says, almost yelling. She can feel the heat in her cheeks. And it isn’t because she’s blushing, no, it’s anger for Wells’ words. She’s sure.

The boy smirks, faking an innocent look. “You don’t find her attractive?”

No, she finds her hot. And that’s way worst.

“That doesn’t matter.” She takes a deep breath. They are in the middle of the street; it isn’t the best place to put on a show. “I find Octavia attractive too, but I’m not in love with her.”

“I get it.” He raises his hands, asking for peace. “I’m not saying you like it, only that it would be alright.”

“It won’t happen,” she says, glaring at him.

“If you say so…”

Clarke huffs. She doesn’t add anything else because they arrive to the cinema. Besides, there’s nothing else to add. She’s 100% sure about that point.

**

Once the film ends, Clarke starts an analysis about the movie. The film wasn’t so interest to do that kind of assessment, but it’s a good way to have her revenge. When they went to the cinema Wells said some strange things, now it’s his turn of suffering.

The boy manages to endure nearly fifteen minutes without complaining. However, he surrenders when Clarke explains the meaning of the colours in the final credits.

“Clarke, please, we are almost at Octavia’s. That’s enough,” he pouts.

She smirks. “Yeah, and I have five minutes left to the analysis of the final credits.”

“I give up,” he sighs. “I won’t say anything of your relationship with Lexa...”

Clarke smirk get wider. However, before she could celebrate it, her friend continues talking.

“…Unless you start the conversation.”

“Why I should do that?”

Wells shrugs and doesn’t add nothing else. The girl doesn’t insist either and soon they’re in a comfortable silence. Although, when they are coming up to Octavia’s apartment, they are talking again.

Some seconds before Wells rings the doorbell, Lincoln opens the door, smiling softly. “Thanks for coming.”

“Thanks for invite us.” Wells smiles too. “And sorry for the delay.”

“Don’t worry, you’re not the last. Anya and Raven haven’t arrived yet.” He steps back so they can have a look of the inside.

Her friend enters talking with Lincoln, but Clarke doubts when she sees Octavia. Suddenly, she’s so conscient of her shiny smile while she jokes with Lexa and Emory; of how happy she seems to be. Clarke bites her lip, worrying that she could screw it up. This is not a party of Clarke’s friends, there’re also Lexa’s. And she’s very sure that Octavia is exited for having them together.

_C’mon, it will be fine._


	8. Eight seconds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why, but this chapter was hard to write. At least, I'm more or less happy with the result. Hope you like it!!

Clarke can understand that Lexa and Octavia are friends, after all, they are connected by Lincoln. She can also understand they know Nyko, he’s Lincoln best friend. What she couldn’t understand is how it’s possible that they also know Niylah and why she’s standing in the middle of the living room. The girl, just like her, had been looking at her surprised since the moment Clarke walked inside the apartment.

Lincoln, always so attentive, it’s the first to notice. “It’s something wrong.”

Clarke shakes her head. “No, it’s just that I didn’t expected to find Niylah here.”

Octavia, Lexa and Emori were talking in the sofa, but they turn to them. They aren’t the only ones, now everybody is staring at them. Wells doesn’t ask anything, he probably prefers to do it later, however, Nyko is more curious.

“Do you know each other?” He asks.

That’s a difficult question. Clarke and Niylah exchange a look. The other girl smiles but doesn’t say anything, letting Clarke answering. This isn’t a surprise, Niylah was always been considered and Clarke really appreciates having the chance to tell what she prefers.

“We kind of date some years ago, but I haven’t seen her since then.”

They weren’t actually a couple, but it’s easy define it this way. Niylah was a stranger she met in a bar after the dead of her father. At first their relationship was just sex, but later the girl helped her, being an unexpected support. In the end, they were more friends than lovers.

“Yeah,” agrees Niylah. “It’s a small world!”

Bit by bit, they lose interest, and after answering some questions, each one turns back to their conversation.

“So, how are you?” Asks Niylah once they are a bit further from the rest.

“Much better.” 

With all the stuff of Finn, Clarke isn’t in one of her best moment. However, it can’t be compared with her father’s dead. Those months were truly awful, the worst period of her life.

“I’m really happy to hear that.” She squeezes Clarke’s arm, softly. “And I hope you know that if one day you need someone to talk, I’ll be there.”

“I know,” she returns her the smile. “But this isn’t the place to talk about depressing thoughts. Are you friend of Nyko, don’t you?”

“Yeah, we are neighbors. And you?”

“I met him at the University, Lincoln introduced him.”

“Oh, so you are studying medicine too?”

“Yup.”

They keep chatting for a while and Clarke wondered why she didn’t try to contact Niylah. She has almost forgot how nice is talking with her.

“So, how did you ended coming to this party? I have never seen you with Octavia before,” asks Clarke after a while. She’s being wondered that question since she saw her.

“Lately I’d been hanging with Nyko, Lincoln and Octavia. And when she heard I was single, she started talking about some friends of her. And Wells is the one she talks the most. In her own words we are truly ‘compatibles’, so she convinced me to come and meet him.”

Clarke glances at her for a second. “I could approve that,” she admitted.

With another person she would totally threat and say something like ‘Don’t you dare to hurt my best friend.’ But that isn’t necessary with Niylah, she’s a cinnamon roll. Just like Wells.

“Thanks?”

“Your welcome. Do you want me to introduce you? In case you want to meet him, I don’t want to force you…”

After some hesitation, Niylah nods. Clarke, smiling, turns looking for Wells. The boy is near, but he’s laughing for something Octavia had told him, so he doesn’t realize she’s staring. However, for the way Octavia smirks, she’s more perceptive. Clarke doesn’t need to do anything, soon, Octavia approaches tugging Wells. She’s the one who introduces their friend with an innocent smile that doesn’t fool anyone. Although they haven’t planned it, Octavia and Clarke move away at the same time to give them some space.

“Have you ever consider working as a matchmaker?” Clarkes whispers while she leans her head in her friend’s shoulder.

“Nah, this is more like a hobby. But I have to admit it isn’t a bad idea. Perhaps are you interested?”

“O, not even two weeks have passed since I broke up with Finn, give me some space.”

Octavia bites her lip. “Fuck, you are right. I won’t promise anything, but I’ll try to not interferer.”

“Interferer? What are you talking about?” Cautious, she raises her head. She has a very bad feeling.

He friend hasn’t time to answer because Emori and Murphy suddenly appear with some glasses.

“You hadn’t drink enough,” explains the girl while she gives each one a glass.

Once they accepted, the couple share a smile.

“This is suspicious.” Clarke looks the glass. It seems normal, for the smell and colour, a mix of vodka and Fanta, but she doesn’t trust Emori and, even less, Murphy. “Why are you smiling?”

“It’s nothing, we are just bored that everybody is so sober. Now we only need to give one glass to Lexa, maybe it helps her to smile a little.”

The four of them turns to watch Lexa. Unlike them, she’s in a corner with her mobile. Clarke notices that she’s a bit tense although her expression doesn’t show any concern.

“Sometimes she so intimidating,” complains Murphy. “Great Wanheda, please, help us.”

Emori and Murphy ignore her protests and, before she could stop them, she’s pushed in front of Lexa with one glass in each hand. The brunette raises her head and blocks the mobile screen.

“Clarke?”

“Take it.” She gives her one of the glasses. “Those cowards think that everybody needs some alcohol.”

“Oh,” she hesitates, but ends accepting the glass. “Thanks. I guess.”

Lexa drinks half the glass in one gulp. She can’t avoid a little grin. “We shouldn’t let Emori and Murphy in charge of the drinks, this is vodka with Fanta, not Fanta with vodka.”

“Ugh, you are right,” She agrees after a small gulp.

Her commentary causes a hint of a smile on Lexa’s lips. “I’ve never thought we would agree on something.”

“Don’t get used to.”

“Of course.”

Lexa’s smile disappears as fast as it has come when she raises her head. Curious, Clarke follows her gaze until the clock. It’s quarter past nine, so Anya and Raven are fifteen minutes late. Maybe that’s the reason why Lexa seems so uncomfortable?

“Do you have any news about Anya and Raven?” Asks Clarke, looking at her very closely.

As she expected, Lexa’s eyes widen almost imperceptibly. For some reason, the girl is trying to not show any concern. And if you don’t focus on her, she would be success.

“No, I guess they are having troubles with the traffic. Surely, they will arrive soon.” Her voice sounds secure, but Clarke doesn’t trust her.

Like trying to prove Lexa’s words, the doorbell rings.

**

Although it isn’t her apartment, Lexa goes to open the door in the moment she hears someone ringing. Anya it’s punctual, this delay isn’t normal in her. Probably she was busy at work or something, it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t replied her messages. Lexa shouldn’t be worried… But she is. She can control her facial expression, but not the weigh she feels in her stomach. Neither the memories of waiting for someone that will never arrive.

All her fears fade away when, at the other side of the door she finds Anya, Raven and… 

“Aden?” Asks Lexa, confuse. “What are you doing here?”

The kid’s eyes don’t meet hers. He’s looking at the ground and the only thing that avoid him to run away is Anya’s hand in his shoulder.

“I found him in our way,” explains Anya. Unlike Aden, she stares at Lexa and her eyes tell what she won’t say out loud. “Octavia, Lincoln, I hope you don’t mind it.”

“Not at all.” Octavia makes a gesture to encourage them to get in. “The more the merrier!”

“Aden, do you want a juice?” Lincoln’s smile is even softer than usual and useful, cause the boy nods and follows him into the kitchen.

Lexa stares at Aden while she waits for Anya. Meanwhile, her friend introduces Raven and accept a glass. Only when Raven seem to be comfortable, Anya walks toward Lexa.

“Where did you find him?” asks Lexa quietly. There’s no need the rest hear her conversation.

Anya answers with the same tone. “We almost collide, he was running, and he seemed to be scare. You were right, he’s in a trouble.”

Having Anya telling her that she’s right is something that, in another situation, it would make her smile. Not his time.

“Clearly, he is. At least, he doesn’t seem to be injure.”

Anya nods without adding anything more. They stay in silence for a while. In front of them, everybody seems to have a fun. Octavia and Raven have connected very well, acting as if they were already friends. 

“What are we gonna do?” Anya breaks the silence with the same question Lexa has.

“Maybe he needs that we insist a little. I would like to ask him again in a better place than the gym.”

“After the party, I can try to convince him to sleep in my apartment, so I could talk with him tomorrow morning.”

“That could work. And I prefer he stays with you than with Titus.”

“Yeah. I hope this is something we can handle on our own.”

It would be problematic if they couldn’t. They can’t count on Titus and, even if they could, Lexa prefers avoiding any contact with him. She’s doing a good job, since her eighteen birthday she hasn’t seen him.

Octavia interrupts their conversation clapping her hands. When everyone is paying attention, her smile widens.

“Let’s start the real party!” she proclaims. There’s something in her tone that makes Lexa regret coming.

**

It’s suspicious the amount of games Octavia had planned to this party. So suspicious that makes Clarke wonder if this is so improvised as her friend says. Besides the games she prepared, Octavia has also a little box with punishments to the losers.

In Octavia’s words to make funnier the next hours, they start playing never have I ever. Soon, it became the lightest version Clarke had ever play. Although no one say anything, the presence of Aden acted like a filter. Clarke doesn’t complain, this way, the game is more funny than uncomfortable.

When the game is turning completely ridiculous with some phrases like: ‘never have I ever cause the end of the word’ or ‘never have I ever burn three hundred warriors alive’, Octavia decides to move to the next game. A fucking karaoke.

Octavia turn on her computer where is ready an application than not only plays songs, also evaluate them. She starts with a demonstration that is useful to know how to do it and to show that she’s being practising. 

When Clarke thought this couldn’t be even worse, Lincoln explains they will sing in pairs. If they sing alone, they won’t end and, as Octavia remember them smirking, this isn’t the last game. The pairs are chosen randomly, and some are luckier than others. When Clarke sees in her piece paper the name of Murphy, she’s sure that this couldn’t be worst.

Lincoln and Nyko start, showing they are completely blended. However, Raven and Octavia quickly surpass them doing an almost perfect match. Wells and Niylah also make a good team, but not as good as the last. And then, it’s Clarke and Murphy turn. There’s only one word to describe them: terrible.

Clarke was never the best in a karaoke and being with Murphy doesn’t help her a bit. Besides, Murphy manage do it a little better, while Clarke ends with the worst score.

“Whoa, I though princess sing well, I guess you are the exception.” Teases Murphy, not bother about their pitiful show.

“Shut up, cockroach.”

After their disaster, Emori and Aden seem even good, although they kid had never sing before in a karaoke.

When Clarke has already figured out that she and Murphy will have the punishment for being the worst, Anya and Lexa show that she was wrong. The two of them are beyond the concept of terrible. Like Aden, they hadn’t sung before in a karaoke, but amount that, they are so tense that they don’t sing a single note well. 

They end with the same deadpan expression that only make the situation funnier.

“Now, the punishment for the losers”. Octavia smirks grow wider when she opens the box and reads the first piece of paper she had pick up. “Oh, this one is easy. The two losers have to kiss. In the lips,” she adds.

Lexa and Anya exchange a look with the same expression of disgust.

“Octavia, you can’t be serious,” starts Lexa. “We’re almost sisters, it would be…”

“Gross,” ends the blonde. “Besides, I think that singing was enough punishment.”

“Nah, it wasn’t enough. But alright, I understand your relationship” accepts Octavia. There’s no way she can give up so easily, so on one is surprise when she continues. “Then, Lexa, you must kiss the next loser. And that’s… Clarke!”

Clarke’s eyes widen at the realization that this is what Octavia was planning since the beginning. Clearly, Clarke doesn’t need enemies having friends like her.

“That could be fun,” Murphy encourage them. “C’mon!”

For Clarke horror, soon Emori, Raven, Octavia and Nyko starts encouraging them too. 

Besides Clarke, the only one who seems to find equally uncomfortable is Lexa. She has a guarded expression, even though, Clarke can see she is tense.

Since Lexa doesn’t move, Clarke sighs and walks toward her. She stops when they are almost touching. At this distance, she realizes Lexa is holding her breath. The brunette is very good masking her emotions and Clarke has no idea of what she is thinking, but if Lexa is doing a huge effort to hide something is for a reason.

They’re the same height, so Clarke only needs one step to kiss her. Is barely a touch, more a peck than a kiss, and she quickly moves away.

“Happy now?” she asks to the room in general but staring at Octavia.

The girl shakes her head, pouting. “Not really, but I accept it…”

“Nope,” Murphy interrupts her. “it was disappointing. What are you? Twelve?”

“Not me, but he is.” Clarke points at Aden, hoping he will support them. Not for her, but for Lexa.

For her consternation, the kid crosses his arms. “I’m almost thirteen, I can handle seeing two people kissing.” Although he is answering to Clarke, he doesn’t stop looking at Lexa, as if he wants to send her a message with those words.

“Ugh, you are unbearable,” huffs Lexa.

Is the first thing she says since Octavia announces the punishment, and it makes Clarke turn to her. Her surprise is huge when she sees that Lexa has move near her. Before the blonde could even ask _what the hell_ , she feels Lexa’s lips on hers.

Clarke isn’t thinking at all when she places her hands on Lexa’s hips to move her even closer. Neither, when she kisses her back, moving her face to have a better angle.

Maybe they were kissing for less than eight seconds, but Clarke feels it’s an eternity. Then, she just needs one second to remember where they are and who is she kissing. She stops biting Lexa’s lip and moves her hands off, pulling her away with more gentleness she had planned.

For a brief moment she can see Lexa’s face: a mix of sadness, desire and regret. It’s so brief that Clarke doubts it was real, and soon she has returned to her neutral expression.

_Okay._

_What the fuck did just happened??_

Lexa is smiling and Clarke would believe that she’s completely fine if she wouldn’t have seen her expression. If now Lexa wouldn’t be avoiding her eyes. “Are you happy now?” she repeats the question raising an eyebrow.

This time, there isn’t a single complain.


	9. Everybody knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9!! I hope you are having a good day 😄

Going to that party it’s being a huge mistake. 

If Lexa could go back in time, she would had lie to Octavia and Lincoln to not come without any doubt. Raven and Anya’s delay has reminded her some things she wishes to forget. And, since that moment, everything is falling apart. And she only can pretend to be calm while remembering Costia. They planed going to a karaoke since Lexa had never went. It was going to be a surprise for Aden’s birthday. Now is just one of many plans that they can’t never have. 

And if there’s something worse that singing, it’s that kiss. A kiss that she doesn’t want to think about because it shouldn’t mean anything.

It’s exhausting pretending that you are okay, but Lexa forces herself to smile for her friend’s sake. Octavia and Lincoln deserved this and even Aden is having fun. All of them are having fun, she won’t badger it.

Fortunately, three games later, Clarke complains that she’s tired and she has plans for tomorrow, so she needs to get some sleep. Before Octavia could insist, Lexa takes the chance to go with her. After all, they live together. Soon, Anya support them arguing that she should take Aden home.

Although Lexa feels there is no end to the goodbyes and they spent hours in front of the door without moving, the moment of get underway finally comes. Raven, Aden, Anya, Clarke and she go downstairs together, but they take different path on the street after rejecting Anya’s offer of take them to their apartment in her car.

When they are alone, Lexa takes a deep breath, grateful for the night breeze. She hasn’t drink much, but she feels a bit dizzy. Being in that stage only makes her more conscient of her distress. She would like to be able to block all her feelings in a cage and forget about them. Everything would be easier.

They walk in silence for a while before Lexa is brave enough to start talking. “I’m sorry,” she whispers.

Clarke scowls. “Why?”

Lexa would like not having to say it out loud, however, tonight nothing goes as she wishes.

“For kissing you. I shouldn’t have done it without checking you wanted too.”

“Oh, don’t worry.” She looks away, a bit blushed. “Murphy is a pain in the ass, and he would have insisting all the night.”

Lexa fakes a smile. A kiss shouldn’t be a big deal, she shouldn’t have frozen in that moment. And, specially, she shouldn’t had kissed her to probe that she’s fine. That’s a shitty reason that only caused her to feel even worst. It was wrong using Clarke to probe something, even if they were pushing her to do it.

And it’s wrong that she liked it.

“Yeah, you’re right,” she says, wishing her voice sounds believable.

For the expression on Clarke’s face, she has failed.

“Lexa, are you alright?”

“Of course, just a bit drunk.”

The next meters they walk in silence, Clarke struggling to say something, Lexa hopping she won’t add anything else.

“You know…” starts the blonde. “Talking about my feeling towards Finn really helped me. It was… reliever saying out loud”. She sighs. “Even if you hide it, clearly there’s something bothering you. And I’m not saying you should talk with me, but maybe with someone close to you as Anya.”

Talking about feelings? That isn’t something Titus would approve, so maybe Clarke’s idea isn’t so bad. Although, Lexa doesn’t feel she’s capable. If she’s been avoiding thinking about Costia, how could she talk about it?

“Thanks, I’ll consider it.”

They walk in silence the rest of the way; however, it isn’t completely uncomfortable. The moment is broken when they arrive at the gate. There’s a boy in front of their door and, for the way Clarke tenses, she knows him.

“Finn? What the hell are you doing here?”

Recognizing the name, Lexa looks at him a bit curious. He seems drunk and, for the beer cans in the floor, he must have been there for a while.

“You didn’t pick the phone…” he mutters, sadly. “Please, we need to talk.”

“No, you need to get out of here.”

“Princess…”

“Don’t call me like that,” she hisses. “Now, leave.”

Lexa doubts leaving them alone. If Finn wasn’t drunk, she could go upstairs, after all, this doesn’t concern and probably, she’s tired and Clarke probably prefers some privacy. The problem is that Lexa doesn’t trust that someone drunk can have a civilized conversation. So, just in case, she doesn’t move form Clarke’s side.

Staggering, he steps closer. “I’m sorry,” his voice crack before one tear run for his face. “I’d never wanted to hurt you. I love you… And I beg you, give me another chance.”  
His words get through Clarke and Lexa sees the exact moment she doubts. Finn sees it too, because he steps even closer with his expression of pure sorrow.

“Leave.” It’s more a request than a command. Clarke has lost her angriness and her security.

Lexa, although she had decided not to interfere, grabs Clarke’s hand and squeezes. Her touch makes the blonde blinks and it’s like she wakes up of a dream.

“Finn, I won’t repeat again. Leave.”

For the first time, the boy realized in Lexa’s presence. He stares at her in shock.

“You two are together…”

 _Wait._ How does he come up with that possibility? Lexa has only hold her hand. And they are to get in their apartment. Okay, maybe isn’t so convoluted.

Clarke, instead of refuting, nods and moves near Lexa.

“It’s over Finn.”

He opens his mouth but closes it without a word. He looks devastated and, for the way Clarke presses her hand, seeing him is hurting her. Tired of the situation, Lexa starts walking toward the door, pulling Clarke, before the boy continues insisting. 

They go upstairs surrounded by an awkward silence. Lexa can feel Clarke trembling so, when they get in their apartment and walk until the living room, she’s sure she’ll find Clarke crying. But she’s wrong. The blonde seems more angry than sad.

“Fuck,” she groans. “I can’t believe… Fuck!”

Clarke, abruptly, release herself and scoots. She’s biting her lip so hard that she’s about to bleed. So, although she looks ready to hit someone, Lexa steps closer and cups her face.

“Clarke,” she whispers her name softly. She would like to ask her to calm down and promise her that everything is okay, but it’s not fine. So, instead, Lexa takes a deep breath without losing sight of Clarke’s eyes. “Breath.”

Slowly, the girl does what she had asked her. At the same time Clarke calms down, tears of anger begin to form in the corners of her eyes.

“I almost said I would forgive him,” she stammers. “How can I be so fucking stupid?”

“You are not stupid, you loved him and you’re a little drunk. It’s normal. You just need some time.”

Clarke nods and one single tear fall for her cheek until Lexa’s thumb. The brunette averts her eyes from Clarke’s eyes and, unconscious, looks down to her lips. It’s just a second, but enough to make her step back and move off her hands as if suddenly Clarke’s cheeks were burning.

“You should go to sleep; it’s been a long night.” Years of practice helps Lexa to smile and use the same gently tone. This isn’t the moment to freak out.  
Fortunately, this time Clarke doesn’t seem to notice the change in her behaviour and nods again. “Good night, Lexa.”

“Good night.”

Clarke walks toward the door, but she stops. She turns her head with a brittle smile. “And thanks.”

Lexa stays still even when Clarke is long gone. She doesn’t know why, but she has the urge of following her to hug her and cry. She needs all her strength to hold her tears back. In her head, she hears the voice of Titus clear and sharpness remembering her that crying is a symptom of weakness. Love is weakness.

Although she shakes her head, she can’t get rid of those words that doesn’t belong to her.

**

When Clarke opens her eyes, she needs some seconds to remember why she feels so bad. Finn. Fucking Finn. She hates him for insisting, for not accept that she needs space. But above all, she hates herself for almost agreed. She would had done it for pity, not for love. If Lexa wasn’t there…

Thinking about her roommate is what makes her stand up. Right now, her feelings toward her are too complicated. She’s embarrassed after showing her so weak. Again. Also, she’s worried for her, she was acting strange back on the party and in her way home, Lexa practically confirmed that she isn’t right.

Sighting, she sits in her bed and grabs her mobile. She wants to see Lexa and check how is she, but at the same time, she would like to hide from her.

Clarke forgets all her thoughts about her roommate once she switches the mobile on and receives two dozen of messages of Bellamy, Octavia, Wells and even Murphy, Monty, Jasper and Emori. Confused, Clarke decided to call Octavia. She, like her brother, are the ones who had send her more messages.

As if was waiting the call, Octavia picks up the phone almost instantly. “Clarke! Finally!”

“Good morning to you too. What happened?”

“You didn’t read my messages?”

“No, I prefer a good explanation. So?”

“Okay.” She hesitates and Clarke can imagine her biting her lip. “First of all, are you okay? Monty told me that Finn went to your apartment tonight.”

“How…?” She doesn’t end, there’s no point on asking how she could already know. In their group of friends there’s the bad costume of sharing all the gossips. Although she hadn’t talk with some of them since her breakout with Finn, others like Octavia keeps in touch with all of them. “What had Monty told you?”

“Finn call him completely drunk saying that you were dating Lexa, so he asked me if you were okay. He’s was worried about you. And me too. How are you?”

Clarke takes a deep breath. Slowly, everything is making sense. She has a lot of questions, for example, how did Finn know where she lives or who thinks that she’s dating Lexa. However, she chose to answer first to Octavia.

“I’m fine. I was shocked and it really hurt me see him so bad, but now I’m fine. Before you asked, no, I’m not dating Lexa. He saw us together and misinterpreted our relationship. Or lack of relationship.” For some reason, she has the urge to clarify it. “Well, it doesn’t matter. I didn’t correct him because I thought he wouldn’t insist more, I didn’t imagine he would talk with all his friends.”

As she’s feeling more awake, she understands the mess she is in. She can explain the situation to Octavia or Wells, but if she clarified it to someone as Murphy or Emori, they probably talk with Jasper. And if Jasper knows, he will explain it to Finn. And the last think Clarke wants is having another conversation with Finn. Or worse, that he will insist again thinking he has a chance.

“Fuck,” mutters Clarke, forgetting for a second that she is talking with Octavia. “Anyway, how is possible that Finn came to my apartment? I thought you, Wells and Lincoln were the only ones who knew it. And I trust the three of you.”

“Aw, thanks.” Octavia sounds happy, probably reliever that she doesn’t suspect about her. “From what Monty explained me, Maya saw you, she told Jasper, and he’s can’t shut up, so he talked with Finn.”

“I’m gonna kill him.”

“Oh, don’t worry, he already feels bad enough. It seems he thought that you two would come together. Now Finn feels even worse and he blames himself for that.”

Clarke doesn’t want to rejoice, but she can’t stop a small smile. Although she and Jasper were friends long before they knew Finn, since the breakout he hadn’t talk with her not even once. At least Monty asked her if she was okay and tried to cheer her up a little. Monty and Jasper are Finn’s best friends, but it’s like Jasper had forget he’s Clarke’s friend too.

“I won’t say he deserves it… but he deserves it. A little.”

Octavia’s laugh proves she also thinks so. “Yeah, because yesterday Finn cried about it to all his friends and, if it wasn’t enough, he told to his acquaintances too. I have bad news… everybody knows. What do you want to do?”

“I… don’t know. I would feel stupid admitting out loud it was a lie, but I also wouldn’t like they think I’m dating Lexa.”

She doesn’t say that it isn’t so simple. She’s afraid that, if Finn comes again, she will pity him. When she talked with Raven, she said completely sure that she will never come back with him. Some days later she almost broke her promise. She feels pathetic, and it would be worse if she has to explain her friends the truth.

“That’s on you,” Octavia’s tone is sweeter than usual, and it shows how much she cares about her. “But whatever you chose, I will help you.”

“Thanks, O.” She smiles, even if Octavia can’t see her. “But this isn’t something I can decide on my own. I guess I’ll have to talk with Lexa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will end in a fake dating AU? Maybe...


	10. And the winner is…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10!!  
> A part of this chapter wasn't planned at all, but I enjoyed so much writing it that I don't regret it. Hope you like it!!

Lexa arrives at the apartment exhausted. She barely slept last night and, tired of not doing anything, she woke up at six and went running. In her head it was a good idea, now she starts fearing that maybe it wasn’t so good. Her head hurts as if it’s going to explode and her vision is a bit blurry.

She’s going to the bath to take a shower when she hears Clarke calling her name. Though Lexa doesn’t feel ready to face her after what happened last night, she turns toward her, arms crossed in a defensive posture.

Clarke hesitates, which makes Lexa wonder if she looks as bad as she feels. “Lexa, are you alright?”

“Yeah, just a bit tired. Do you want something?”

“Just ask you something, but I can come later.”

Lexa hates the concern in her voice, it makes her feel weaker than she is, so she shakes her head and fakes a small smile. “Do you mind if I take a shower and then we could talk?”

“Of course not, I’m not in a hurry.”

Like proving her words, she steps back even if she wasn’t in her way.

“Okay.”

With a final smile, Lexa goes to the bath and close the door behind her. As long as they don’t talk about the kiss or Lexa’s problems, she’ll be fine. And their future conversation reminds her that she had to talk with Anya too. In her last message she told her that she convinced Aden to sleep in her house, but Lexa doesn’t know anything else. Maybe this morning she managed to talk with him.

The cold water doesn’t erase her fatigue, but it helps her to feel more awake and reduce a little her headache. However, it's too late. Wrapped in her towel, Lexa realizes she forgot to take some clean clothes, so she has two options. One, she could dress her sweaty clothes and then change it in her bedroom. Two, she could go wrapped in her towel. If the person she lives with were Anya, Lexa would choose without blinking the second option. But no, her roommate is Clarke.

Lexa sighs before holding firmly the towel. She only needs some luck. Clarke is probably in her bedroom, it’s a small possibility.

Obviously, she isn’t lucky.

Instead of what she was thinking, Clarke was in the living room. And before Lexa could get in her bedroom, the girl appears in the halfway. When Clarke sees her, her face turns red.

“Sorry,” she bumbles, looking away. “I thought…”

Lexa should be embarrassed (she’s the one naked under the towel), but instead, she can’t control a chuckle. Clarke’s expression is priceless. And thinking that the terrible wanheda blushes like a teenager make the situation even funnier.

“It’s okay, it doesn’t matter.”

At hearing her laughing, Clarke seems to overcome a bit. Now, she looks more upset than embarrassed. She stares at her, defiant. “Okay, I’ll wait for you here.”

That’s the Clarke Lexa is familiar. The stubborn girl that always fought back. And, again, Lexa finds herself acting without thinking. Somehow, Clarke manages to bring out her most spontaneous part.

“Wait here? Don’t you want to start talking now in my room?” Teases Lexa. She regrets once she said it, but it’s too late.

As she should imagine, Clarke doesn’t refuse a challenge and steps toward her. She moves into her personal space. “Fine,” she whispers although they are alone.

Lexa, cursing herself and their pride, smiles. Saying it was a joke would be admitting her defeat, so she walks to her bedroom passing as close to Clarke as she can be without touching her. Lexa hears her walking behind her until she opens the door and gets in.

Once they are in the bedroom, Lexa stares at Clarke more curious than she would admit. It’s the first time she allowed her roommate to be here and the girl looks amazed and surprised.

“Octavia didn’t joke when she said you like candles.”

Proud of her collection, Lexa nods. Even though friends accepted her peculiarities, no one truly understands her. And it isn’t easy to explain why she likes so much the light of the candles rather than a lamp. But it isn’t the moment or the place to think about that. Clarke it’s in her room waiting for a conversation. Teasing her was a terrible idea and she has to face the consequences. And choose what to do now. Although it’s summer and a hot day, she doesn’t want to be only wrapped by a towel. And changing in front of Clarke seems a bad idea.

Why did she start this?

Continuing with the challenges, Clarke moves and sits in her bed. She has to stop examining the room and stares directly at her. Although the pink tinge of her cheeks, she manages to look confident, as if she is the one controlling their stupid game.

There’s a voice in Lexa’s head recommending her to give up. She’s tired, what she needs it’s sleeping and deal with Aden’s problems. However, her pride is more powerful, so she turns toward her chair where she has some clothes. Then, she just throws the towel away and starts putting on the underwear. She can hear that Clarke makes a strange drowned sound. Clearly, it’s Lexa’s victory.

“So, what do you wanna ask me?” Lexa uses a casual voice even though their situation is very far from casual.

“Eh… I…” Clarke shallows and Lexa makes a hug effort not turning around to watch her expression. “Well, it seems that Finn told that you and I are… dating. So now all my friends think so.”

Against what she had decided, Lexa turns, surprised and almost forgetting she only wears her underwear. Clarke’s eyes go for a second to her breast before jumping to her face. Luckily, Lexa's had already put on her bra.

“With all your friends you mean… All of them?” Lexa tries to act calm, but this is getting harder.

“Yeah, but Octavia already knows the truth, so I guess Lincoln too. However, others like Emori or Murphy…”

Lexa nods and turns again, this time to grab a trouser. “If you had explained to Octavia, why don’t you do the same to the rest?”

“Because I won’t like that Finn finds out. Not only because it would be embarrassing to explain the situation to the rest, but also because maybe then she gives up and doesn’t show again.”

Completely dressed, Lexa goes to the bed and sits next to Clarke. She’s avoiding looking at her, her cheeks still red. And she’s adorable.

“So… What do you want to do?”

“Continue the lie.” She raises her head and their eyes meet again. “But only if you are okay. Since we had some friends in common and they love to gossip, I would understand you want to end this misunderstanding.”

Lexa’s first reaction would be saying that it’s a bad idea and nobody could believe they are together. However, there’s something that prevents her to refuse. On this occasion it isn’t for the stupid feeling of being in a competition, but for the fact that this could benefit her. Anya had said several times that she needs to move on Costia and Lexa is sure that her best friend isn’t the only one who thinks so.

“I don’t have any problem, but you should be sure about this.”

Clarke looks a little surprised as if she were expecting a different answer. “If I weren’t sure I wouldn’t propose this.”

“That means we have a deal?” She asks, extending a hand that Clarke grabs after some hesitation. They shake hands as if this were something serious, not a stupid lie to make their friends believe they are a couple.

“We don’t have to do anything special, just let them believe it. And if you want to break out for whatever reason, we will do it.”

“Sure.”

“Then, everything is clear.”

Clarke stands up, but, before she starts walking, she leans and presses a light kiss in the corner of her mouth.

“See you later, Lexa.”

Lexa, completely freeze, doesn’t react until the girl walks out of her room. 

After all, maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

**

Once she’s out of Lexa’s room, Clarke runs to her own room. What was she thinking? She shouldn’t have accepted follow her, but her damn pride is bigger than Lincoln. Way bigger. She thought that their rivalry was something of the past, not that the fucking Lexa would have challenged her.

Restless, Clarke walks in circles like a lion in a cage. She should tell Lexa that she changed her mind or that it was a joke. However, she’s unable to go back to her room. No when the last thing she did was kissing her. Lexa’s expression was worthless, but also a terrible idea. But Clarke isn’t the only one who made some bad moves, it was Lexa who started. Her and her fucking hot body. And her hot tattoo in her back. Clarke wanted to saw it and now… And now she regrets.

The sound of her mobile takes her back to reality. It makes her remember that she should deal with her friends. She is going to cover a lie lying.

The screen of the mobile show Bellamy’s name. Clarke doesn’t want at all talk with him, but maybe it helps her to stop thinking about Lexa. So, after taking a deep breath, she picks up the call.

“Yeah?” she asks, a little annoyed although her friend hasn’t said anything yet.

“Clarke! Finally! What is happening there?”

He sounds mad, so probably this will end in an argument. And she hasn’t decided what she will tell him. He is one of her closest friends, but less discreet than Octavia and Wells.

“Good morning, Bellamy. What are you talking about?”

“What do you think? I heard you are dating Lexa! That you even move together!”

“I didn’t move for that reason. I needed an apartment and she a roommate…”

“Then, it’s true you are living with her?! If you need an apartment you can move with Echo and me, you don’t have to live with that asshole!”

“She’s not an asshole!” Clarke snaps, more upset than she should be. “Bellamy, I can make my own choices and believe me, I don’t regret choosing to move here.”

“How can you defend her after everything she has done?!”

Hearing Bellamy yelling at the other side of the phone makes her even angrier. Before she can stop it, she’s yelling too. “Because we have grown up!! And she’s way gently than we thought!”

“Gently? Her? Are you insane? She’s a fucking monster.”

“Sure? Because she had helped me to move on Finn and comforted me when I needed the most. And she is my girlfriend, show some respect! If not for her, for me.” The words slip off her mouth before she can think it twice.

No matter how much she despised her in the past, now Lexa has been a great support. Her biggest support. And she doesn’t regret defending her.

“Are you serious?” He asks, a bit calmer but incredulous.

She can’t see Bellamy, but she doesn’t need it to imagine him in shock. Probably he was expecting a different explanation, like that everything was a misunderstanding. And, besides the hurt in his voice, Clarke regrets a bit. She had lost the chance to told him the truth.

“Yes, I am,” she says, softer. “Bellamy, I’m not your little sister. And Even if I was, I’m older enough to make my own choices. Please, don’t repeat the same mistake you did with Octavia and Lincoln.”

That’s a very low blow, but effective because he doesn’t insist again. He doesn’t accept it either, he just says goodbye and hangs off.

Although the last days Clarke had been almost all the time in her room, now she has the feeling that it’s oppressive. Nothing of this should have happened. She should be happy with Finn, planning a trip for August. Instead, she’s living with Lexa and lying to her friends to hide the first lie. And for the desire of avoiding Finn.

She stands up and opens the door, abruptly. On the other side, Lexa steps back. For a moment she looks completely embarrassed, but soon she hides in a façade of calm. However, she stares at her guilty.

“I’m sorry, I heard you screaming, and I come to see if you were okay,” she mutters, nervous.

 _Perfect._ For Lexa's awkwardness, she had heard when she defended her. At least, Clarke can enjoy seeing her so uncomfortable. It’s hard to imagine that this is the same person some minutes ago teased her and was comfortable changing her clothes in front of her.

Clarke hesitates. This could be an ideal situation to continue with her confrontation, but she knows that if she pushes Lexa, she’ll do the same. If they want to be roommates and being in a fake relationship, maybe she should avoid that kind of situations.

“It’s okay, I would do the same,” she admits, instead. However, she can’t imagine Lexa yelling at someone, she always acts too calm.

Lexa nods, slightly relieved. Probably it isn’t her intention, but at doing it, she looks tired. Clarke, remembering the bad aspect she had when she arrived that morning, raises her hand and touches Lexa’s arm, gently.

“Lexa, are you okay?”

The girl blinks, surprised. “Of course.” She moves back, so Clarke can’t keep touching her. “I’ll not keep you more, I guess you are busy.”

“Sure.”

After an uncomfortable silence, Lexa turns around and goes back to her room. Alone, Clarke sighs and walks to the living room. Sometimes she feels that the two of them are becoming close, but other times Lexa seems a stranger. Although she refused when Wells said they could be friends, a part of her isn’t so sure anymore.

Enjoying the couch to herself, she lays down and starts reading all the messages of her friends. She explains the situation to Wells and asks him discretion. Then, she replies to the rest, ignoring the jokes of Murphy, who alleges being their cupid.


	11. Bad teacher, worse students

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11!! This is a bit longer, hope you like it!

Monday morning, Aden didn’t come to the gym. Amount that, the day before, he refused to talk with Anya, so neither she or Lexa knows what’s going on with him. And now, Lexa doesn’t even know where he is since he didn’t pick up the phone.

Since the moment she didn’t see the kid in the class, Lexa started planning her plan. She didn’t explain it to Anya, although she had time while they ate together. Her friend had to go to work, she didn’t need to be worried. And she would be if she knows that, once they ended their dinner, Lexa went to Titus' house.

Lexa was sure when she decided to go, but now that she is in front of the house, she hesitates. Titus is probably out, however, maybe he has changed and today it’s inside. The possibility of seeing him is what makes her move away from the front door and walk next to the wall. 

Titus’ house is enormous: an immense building protected by an even bigger wall. Lexa remembers the first time she saw it and how much it impressed her. Years later, Anya taught her that the wall wasn’t tall enough for them and how they could climb it. And that’s what Lexa does, climb it as when she was a teenager. The street is empty, and she wishes that it will continue being like that. It would be awkward to explain if someone sees her.

Fortunately, she arrives at the other side without any problem. She lands on her feet lightly, and soon she is surrounded by two dogs. They growl, threatening, but she isn’t afraid. At least not for one of them.

“Becca, it’s me, Lexa.”

The dog stops growling once she hears her name. She approaches and jumps, linking her when Lexa pats her head. Sheidheda, the other dog, doesn’t come near. Although he has stopped growling, he looks ready to bite her. That isn’t a surprise, Sheidheda never liked her. And the feeling is mutual. With Becca jumping around her and Sheidheda behind, Lexa walks through the garden. It hasn't changed a little, it’s like being in the past. 

When she reaches the house, she ignores again the front door and searches the secondary door. It's locked, but she knows how to open it anyway. Once she is in the house, she walks slowly, trying to not make any sound.

Although she lived here for a decade, she feels like an intruder and goes to one side of the house to the other like a thief. She doesn’t find Aden, nor even in his room or the basement, where are three kids training. One of them, it’s a little girl that Lexa doesn’t recognize, so she supposes it’s the new kid Titus had adopted. Unlike the other kids, she has a soft expression, so she is probably new. While Lexa leaves the basement, she wonders how long it will take her to have the same cold look like the rest.

In the end, Lexa ends in Aden’s room again. She’s sure he isn’t in the house, but she refuses to go away without having something. She can believe she made this awful travel in vain. So, she searches without knowing what she is looking for. It feels wrong, but Lexa convinces herself it’s necessary. Finally, she finds a crumpled paper ball down the bed. It’s a note with a direction and an hour. If this note it’s about today, she has twenty minutes to go.

Lexa leaves the house as she entered, only that now she walks faster. When she is outside, she realizes her hands are shaking as she runs away from the place she never could call home.

**

The direction is near the gym, so Lexa should know that street, but she gets lost. She needs almost ten minutes to find out she must go to an alley. A perfect place to an ambush. Before she could see anything, she hears some people laughing. As she gets close, she recognizes Aden’s voice too.

Lexa hides behind two Dumpsters. Hidden, she finds what she feared and expected. Aden it’s on the floor, curled to protect his head while two boys around Lexa’s age kick him. Next to them, a girl holds a crying kid. Lexa recognizes the kid as one of Aden’s friends. And, for her surprise, she also knows who the girl is. Although it’s been some years, Ontari is like always.

Seeing that scene makes her grit her teeth. There’s no way Aden wouldn’t fight back, even if the others are older. It must be related to his friend. Holding herself, Lexa takes her phone and records some seconds, maybe she’ll need it later. Especially if she’s going to do something really stupid.

Once the phone it’s in a safe place, she walks toward them. The boys are too focused laughing while they hit Aden, but Ontari sees her right away. “Lexa?”

She’s so surprised that release the kid’s shoulder she was grabbing. The boy doesn’t move even though he’s free, he seems too shock to move.

“You,” Lexa calls him. “Go away.”

Luckily, the kid doesn’t hesitate and runs away. No one tries to stop him, the three of them are completely focused on her now. The boys don’t hit Aden anymore, but he doesn’t stand up, only raises his head. His nose is bleeding and he’s doing an effort to hold back his tears.

“So,” asks Lexa, calmly. “Can someone explain what’s going on?”

The two boys seem to be petrified, so they probably know her. Instead of answering, they turn to Ontari. She’s recovering for her surprise, and now she looks angrier.

“This has nothing to do with you. Get lost.”

“If it involves Aden, it has something to do with me. And even if it didn’t… It’s disgusting seeing three adults beating a twelve-year-old.” Although she’s hiding her fury, she shows her disgust.

“Then what? Do you think you can win against us?” Ontari grins, amused. She’s so proud of herself to be afraid. Her friends, though, doesn’t share her security.

Lexa shrugs as an answer. Her attitude only seems to bother Ontari. And that’s good, Lexa prefers that she forgets about Aden.

“This is going to be fun,” proclaims Ontari. She turns toward the two boys. “Go for her.”

They hesitate but follow her lead. Lexa waits for them, still even when one of then punches her in the face. This way, no matter what, they had started the fight. This is self-defense. It’s funny that now she’s so careful. When she was a teenager, she didn’t care, but that’s the problem of being an adult.

Lexa steps closer and kicks the boy in the stomach, making him fall on his knees. She turns to the other and before he could react, she punches him, breaking his nose. She kicks him too on the stomach. Then, just in case, she grabs the first boy’s face and pushes with the knee. A disgusting sound probes that she broke his nose.

Ontari, realizing that her friends aren’t enough, runs toward her. Lexa doesn’t see the clasp-knife, but her instinct makes her dodger. However, she isn’t so lucky and the next time, Ontari manages to cut her in the arm. It barely hurt, but soon she feels the blood running down her arm.

Missing some backup -especially Anya-, Lexa pounces against the girl. Ontari lost balance and falls to the ground. Faster than her, Lexa kicks her on the face. While Ontari screams, she runs toward Aden. He is standing, but he doesn’t move.

“C’mon, we need to go,” she hurries him. 

Maybe it’s her tone, more worried than usual. Or maybe the blood. Whatever the reason, Aden nods and goes after.

**

Clarke opens the door of the apartment with the only thought of going to sleep. This day had been… exhausted. She had dinner with Raven and Octavia. Bit by bit it’s less uncomfortable, being with her, but she’s not used to yet. And the combination of Raven and Octavia it’s more potent than a bomb.

She’s not exhausted for that, though. The problem is all the conversation she had had. After some weeks when she barely talked with a couple of friends, having so much attention was drained. She had to bear all the jokes of Murphy and two Bellamy’s attempts of ‘changing her mind’.

Clarke is so lost in her thoughts that she almost doesn’t see the bloodstains on the floor. She stops for a second just to start running into the halfway following the trail of blood. Her heart beats faster as she yells Lexa’s name. She finds her in the bathroom, sitting on the floor trying to put on some band-aids in the face of a kid.

“Who…? What happened?!” Matters Clarke.

Lexa turns toward her. She has a bruise in her face and probably it isn’t the only one, but Clarke can only stare at the cut on her arm.

“You are bleeding!” she exclaims while she sits down next to her.

“I’m sorry…” sobs the kid. “It’s my fault...”

“Aden, you didn’t cut, so it isn’t your fault.” Her tone is so severe that she doesn’t let a single complaint. “And I’m fine, okay?”

She says the lasts words staring at Clarke, in a clear message: ‘I’m trying to calm him down, don’t make him more worried’.

“I’m sorry,” repeats Aden. He is biting back her tears so hard that Clarke feels the urge to hug him.

When Clarke realizes that Lexa doesn’t seem willing to hug him, she is the one who leans in and wraps him, gently. At first, the boy tenses, and Clarke doubts if this is so good idea. Maybe he doesn’t like hugs or being comforted by strangers. However, soon he relaxes and starts crying.

“It’s okay,” she promises, although she has no idea what’s going on. While she talks, she starts rubbing circles on his back as Abby used to do when Clarke was little.

Behind them, Lexa finally moves closer and pats Aden’s head insecure. It’s hard to believe she’s so bad comforting people when she had helped her two times.

“Aden, we are going to take you to my room, okay?” whispers Lexa. “You can sleep here tonight.”

The boy nods. At least, Clarke thinks he does, it’s difficult being sure when he’s curled and shacking. Lexa extends her arms, probably with the intention of carrying him to her bed, but Clarke shakes her head. Maybe Lexa isn’t concern about her cut, but she is.

Slowly, Clarke stands up. Aden’s weighs more than she thought, but she can handle it. Lexa, unable or not doing anything, stands up too and walks leading the way to her room. She opens the door and pulls down the bedsheet. With every move some blood drops fall to the floor, so Clarke hurries to lay down Aden in the bed. He curled up and Lexa sits next to him, caressing his check until he falls asleep.

In Clarke’s opinion, that’s enough waiting, so she grabs Lexa’s hand and urges her to stand up. Her roommate stares at her confused without moving. Clarke, on the verge of losing her patience, releases her. She needs to be clearer, so this time she leans in and places her hand in Lexa’s waist and pulls her to stand up. This works better, cause the girl understands her.

They walk back to the bathroom in silence, Lexa leaning a little on her. Once they are there, Clarke steers her roommate to the sink to wash the cut.

“How long have you been bleeding?”

Lexa shrugs. She stares at her wound like she hasn’t seen it before. “I don’t know. Twenty minutes?”

“Then I hope you are wrong, that’s a lot of time.” She sighs. “You should go to a hospital, probably you need stitches.”

“I won’t go.”

There’s something in her tone that makes Clarke raise her head to face her. Lexa looks stubborn, but there’s something more in her eyes.

“Okay,” she agrees. She doesn’t think her roommate is right, but she won’t change her mind.

Once the arm is more or less clean, Clarke opens the first aid kit. First, she disinfects the wound with alcohol. Then, she uses some cotton to press it until the cut stops bleeding. What, fortunately, happen some minutes later. Lexa grits her teeth but doesn’t protest at any point.

“Lexa, why didn’t you treat your arm before,” she asks once she had finished.

“Aden needed it more.”

“He wasn’t bleeding.”

“But I’m used to.”

Clarke bits her tongue to stop her questions. She doesn’t like seeing Lexa this way, indifferent to her own health. And, above all, she doesn’t want to imagine what could have happened if she didn’t come. If Lexa lived alone with no one to take care of her.

Once Clarke ends her arm, she also treats the bruise of her cheek. She raises Lexa’s chin with one hand while extends a pomade with the other.

“Thanks, for taking care of Aden. You really helped him,” mutters Lexa.

“You don’t have to. I only did what everyone would do.”

For Lexa’s expression, she doesn’t think the same. “Thank you anyway. And for helping me now too.”

“Your welcome.” Clarke nods before finally asking what she’s wondering for a while. “About your wounds… Did you fight to protect Aden?”

Lexa stares at her. When it seems she won’t reply, she answers. “Yes.”

They don’t say anything else until they out of the bath and Clarke starts walking to her room, but Lexa doesn’t follow her. When the blonde turns around, she finds her roommate going in the opposite direction. She’s probably dizzy, because she moves slowly, leaning one hand on the wall. 

“Where are you going?” asks Clarke, confused.

Lexa stares back, also confused. “To the living room. I’ll sleep on the couch,” she explains as if it’s obvious.

“No, you won’t! You are hurt, you can’t sleep in that uncomfortable couch. No, come to my room.”

“I can’t do that. I bother you enough…”

“Sure? Because right now you are bothering. Come. Now” she fills the last word with all the angriness she can. 

Lexa opens her mouth but closes it without complaining. She must be more tired than she seems if she can’t protest anymore. Clarke, not willing to lose this chance, grabs her no injured arm and goes to her room. Once they are inside, Clarke pulls gently her roommate onto the bed. What she wasn’t expected is that Lexa would wrap her arms around Clarke’s waist, making her fall in the bed.

“Lexa? What are you doing?” She hisses, trying to break free. However, the brunette tightens her grip on her. Clarke finds herself completely trapped.

“If I don’t sleep in the couch, neither you,” she whispers, quietly. “And revenge.”  
Clarke shivers when she feels Lexa’s breath on her neck. She tries to ignore it while she thinks about what she is talking about. It takes her a second to remember that she did the same when she was drunk, and Lexa carried to her bed.

“I was drunk,” she tries to justify, even though it’s a terrible excuse.

“So… do you remember it?”

_Shit._

“Tomorrow I’ll kill you.”

“Okay,” she mumbles, more asleep than awake. “But you will be grateful for not sleeping on the couch.”

Wishing that Lexa won’t talk anymore, Clarke decides not to argue. Also, she refuses to admit that she is going to have problems falling sleep having Lexa so fucking close. She doesn’t mind sharing the bed with another person, but there’s a huge difference with being completely entangled with Lexa.

Although her fears of staying all night awake, Clarke ends sleeping, hugging Lexa as if she was a very comfortable pillow. Hours later, Clarke realizes that she was dreaming when a noise wakes her up. She blinks confuse, aware that something is missing. When she turns her head, she finds that she is no longer hugging Lexa. Her roommate is shacking, rolling from one side of the bed to the other. She probably had hit her because she doesn’t stop moving.

Clarke sits on Lexa's stomach in an attempt to immobilizer her. Then, she shakes her until she opens her eyes. For a moment, the brunette looks terrified. Although the room is in darkness, the tears on her eyes are visible. She also seems to have problems breathing.

“Lexa, it was a nightmare.” Clarke cups her face like Lexa did some days ago and leans down to press their foreheads. “It’s okay.”

For a moment, Clarke thinks that maybe immobilizer her wasn’t so good idea. Maybe what Lexa needs is some space. However, Lexa had stopped shacking, so Clarke keeps her contact, muttering her name.

“Clarke?” Lexa babbles, a bit calmer.

“I’m here.”

It’s the stupidest thing she could say when she’s literally lying on top of her. Obviously, she’s there. However, for some strange reason, it helps Lexa. She closes her eyes and wraps Clarke in a weak hug.

Clarke doesn’t move for a while until Lexa’s breathing slower proving that she’s asleep again. Only then, Clarke stops cupping her face and rolls off to be lying on her side and facing Lexa. She does it without letting her roommate, who clearly needs a hug. At some point, they end even more tangled than before, Lexa’s head resting in Clarke’s chest. This time, Clarke has more problems falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are three beds on the apartment and a couch, but the bed sharing was necessary XD


	12. Two truths, one lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12!!

Lexa wakes slowly, too comfortable and warm to open her eyes. She feels right. Better than she had been in the last year… although what happened yesterday with Aden.

_Aden on the floor._

_Ontari with a clasp-knife._

Her memories come in a flash, fading away whatever good feeling she could have. She needs to check if Aden is alright and find a way to deal with Ontari. Lexa leans up onto her hands, but she stops when she realizes that, instead of the couch, she had placed her hands on a warm body. Blinking, she discovers that Clarke is sleeping beneath her.

Completely stunned, Lexa forgets for a second to breathe. The cut of her arm aches, but she ignores. Her roommate is lying on the bed, peacefully sleeping. Their legs are tangled, so, even if her first thought is running away, she doesn’t move. She has no idea how she can get up without awaken her.

If the situation wouldn’t be worst, the door is opened, showing Aden’s face. The two of then stare in silence, Aden astonished, Lexa embarrassed.

“I’m sorry,” mutters the kid, his cheeks comically red. “I didn’t find you, so I was looking if… I’ll leave, now. Sorry, continue.”

Lexa doesn’t react, even if she only wants to run toward him and explain that it isn’t what she thinks. She doesn’t do it because Clarke had opened her eyes. She smiles, sleepy.

“Good morning.” It’s all she says if this is something normal. Then, she just closes her eyes. “Ten more minutes …”

“Good morning… I’m…” Lexa trails. Without knowing what to say, she just rolls over the bed.

Her movements make that Clarke opens her eyes again and, for the way her smile disappears, this time is more awake. She stands up yawning, without stop peering at her.

“How is your arm?”

Lexa looks down. There’s some blood in her bandage and it hurt, but not as much as other previous wounds. “Better. Thank you and…Sorry for everything.”

This morning, talking with Clarke it’s being more difficult than ever. Lexa can feel the events of the last night as if they are happening now. She remembers the comfort that Clarke gave her with a simple hug, how safety she felt when she woke up for the nightmare and found her there. She shouldn’t miss the feeling of being protected, she can’t depend on her. No, now she must be strong and take care of Aden.

As if Clarke could read her mind, she moves closer and places her hand on Lexa’s arm near the cut. She looks uncertain, ready to move her hand away. “Are you okay?”

It’s a stupid question because clearly, she isn’t. Lexa wants to believe that she has move out, but tonight’s nightmare proves otherwise. If she was fine as she tries to demonstrate, then she wouldn’t have dreamt about Costia’s death. Seeing Aden so hurt shouldn’t have affected so much. 

Even if she tries to hide it, Clarke had seen her in one of her worst moments. Lexa can lie with a smile, but she’s sure that her roommate won’t believe her.

“I’ll be,” she says. It’s the best answer she can give without lying. She knows one day she’ll be fine, but she hasn’t any idea when it will occur. “You don’t have to worry.”

Clarke’s blue eyes tell her that it’s too late. “There’s something I can do to help you?”

Lexa is very sure Clarke hate her or at least dislike her. But then… Why is she being so gentle? Why she seems to be genuinely caring? Whatever the reason, Lexa decides to ignore it. She fakes the small smile she’s used to.

“Actually, it is. If Aden asks you what is our relationship, could you tell him that we are dating? Like, that we are taking it slow.”

She regrets asking it the moment Clarke frowns. Lexa wants to do it for Aden, to make him stop worrying about her. But Clarke it’s smart, and she may realize some aspects that Lexa isn’t ready to talk yet.

“Sure, no problem.” She bites her lip, hesitating. “Can I ask you why?”

“It’s a long story.” Lie, it’s short. “I should go to check him.” She turns, breaking the touch they had kept until that moment.

**

Lexa finds Aden in the kitchen drinking a cup of milk. The kid raises his head when he heard her, though his eyes don’t meet hers. His nose is inflamed, and several bruises are visible in his arms, but those wounds aren’t what makes him look so defeated. It’s his expression, the position of his body, and the tears on the corners of his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters again as if yesterday he didn’t say it enough.

Knowing her terrible skills comforting people, Lexa sits next to him and squeezes his hand. “It’s okay, I’m not mad at you.” She uses her gentler tone and tries to smile.

“But you were hurt because of me.”

Lexa bites her lip. She understands too well how Aden feels because they are the same. They prefer being the ones getting hurt, but Aden it’s too young. He shouldn’t have that burden yet. And that’s something Lexa doesn’t how she could explain it.

“So? I’m your big sister.” Saying it out loud it’s what makes Aden stare at her. It’s the first time she admits she considers him his little brother. “And believe me, it was worst not knowing where you were that fighting those guys.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, avoiding her gaze again.

Clarke enters the room at that moment. She has changed her clothes, and that reminds Lexa that she still wearing the same as yesterday. Even Aden had changed it too, wearing some of his old clothes that Lexa keeps on her room. It’s habitual that sometimes the kid sleep in the apartment.

“Good morning!” Says Clarke, too charming. She grabs a chair and moves it to sit at the other side of Aden. “How are you feeling?”

“Much better,” he mutters. “Thanks for helping. I think I should leave now. Lexa has to go to the gym…”

Before he could get up, Clarke places her hand in his shoulder.

“Though I have no idea what’s happening or who hurt you, I’m sure that you can’t handle on your own.” She talks quietly, so surely that even Lexa is listening to her. “You can think that pushing away the people you love will protect them, but this is not how it works. Like it or not, Lexa will find a way of. And if she doesn’t know what she has to face, she’ll be at a bigger risk. Please, let us help you.”

“Titus said that depending on others is a sign of weakness…”

For a moment, her sweet expression falls apart. “Bullshit. I mean,” she trails and smiles, returning to her calm tone. “Do you really believe that?”

Aden shakes his head. He starts crying and, like yesterday, Clarke leans in to hug him. The boy hides his face in her shoulder while Lexa stays without doing anything, feeling completely useless. Also relieved for having Clarke there.

Some minutes later, once Aden feels a bit calmer, he finally explains his trouble. It seems that everything started when he protected his friend against two kids from another school. What could had ended with a simple fight grow up the moment Ontari appeared, upset that Aden had defeated her little brother. Since then, Ontari went after him, threatening Aden’s friend if he didn’t do what she asked.

Lexa listened to the story without showing any emotion. She isn’t like Clarke, who smiled to encourage him to continue. No, Lexa couldn’t do that. She was too furious. If she shows emotion, it would be anger.

“And I don’t know what I can do,” ended Aden after a while, not crying anymore.

“I beat them yesterday, maybe she stops now,” says Lexa. She isn’t quite sure, but it’s a possibility.

“Or she will call more friends,” he replays.

Unlike them, Clarke smiles. “If she stops, then we don’t have to worry. But it’s okay if she continues.”

Aden and Lexa glance at her, the boy without hiding his surprise.

“How could be that okay?”

“We don’t have to defeat them.” Her smile grows wider. “We only need to be more of them.”

At that moment, Clarke is the same as high school, so confident and ready to win even if it seems impossible. Lexa is happy that, for the first time, they are on the same side.

**

Although Lexa wanted to stay at the apartment to take care of Aden, the boy and Clarke convinced her to go to work. She only agreed when Clarke promised that she will keep an eye on Aden. So, without arguments, Lexa showered, changed her clothes -finally- and went running to the gym. With the hurry, she forgot the bruise of her face, so she didn’t try to hide it with makeup or something.

Of course, everybody noticed it.

Gustus’ eyes promised without saying a word that they will talk later. The kids of her class were less discrete and asked her what happened. Also, some of them offered too cheerfully their help if she wanted to break some legs. Lexa was okay with them; they were easy to manage. Unlike Anya.

Anya saw her right away when Lexa entered the cardio section. The two of them stopped and glared. Anya deadpan, Lexa with a guilty smile. Two minutes later, they continue in uncomfortable silence. Luckily, they had Raven to break it.

“Hum… Do you plan to continue like this much longer? You are freaking out some clients.”

“Look, Anya,” starts Lexa, encouraged by Raven. “I’m sorry.”

“Really?” Anya’s tone is colder than the Arctic. “Why should you be sorry?”

“I saw Ontari and two guys hitting Aden, okay? I needed to do something.”

Anya’s eyes narrowed. “How is he?” 

“A bit bruised, but he’ll be fine. Clarke is with him.” 

Even if it should be impossible, Anya’s eyes narrowed more until they are almost two lines. “I’ll go with them.” She walks toward the exit, but she stops in front of Lexa. “We’ll talk later.”

The moment Anya disappears of the cardio section causes a general sigh of relief. Raven was right saying that Anya was freaking out some clients.

“Whoa, sometimes she’s scary.” Raven places her hand in Lexa’s shoulder. “Good luck, she sounds as if she’s going to kill you.”

“Thanks, I’ll need it.”

She knows that Raven is right and she’ll have to deal with Anya. But that’s something to worry about later. Now, she has to prepare Clarke’s plan.

**

Being alone in the apartment with Aden was less uncomfortable than Clarke thought. She was afraid because she barely knows him. However, soon she found that Aden was a pure cinnamon roll, and, if she could, she would adopt him. When she was little, she dreamed of having a brother and in some way, Wells developed that role. And she loves her relationship with Wells, but Aden seems to be the perfect little brother.

After an initially awkward conversation where they didn’t know what they could say, Clarke proposed doing a cake. Maybe she is terrible cooking, but no one had ever criticized one of her deserts. It ended being a good idea and what they needed to break the ice. While they cooked, Clarke explained that she was from the Skaikru, although he didn’t believe her at first. She also told him that she is a med student. For his part, Aden talked about his school and, when he was more relaxed, about some anecdotes with Lexa and Anya.

The conversation was natural and nice until Aden dropped THE question.

“Exactly, what is your relationship with Lexa?”

They are in the living room cause the kitchen was too hot -the inconvenient of using the oven in July-, so Clarke couldn’t justify why suddenly her cheeks are burning. She was so relaxed talking that THE question caught her off guard. 

Conscient that this reaction is typical of a teenager, she clears her throat.

“Why do you ask?”

“I saw you this morning,” explains the boy. At least, now Clarke isn’t the only one blushing. “I was searching for Lexa and your room was the only place I didn’t look. I didn’t expect that you would be… you know, so close.”

Remembering the petition of Lexa, Clarke bits her tongue to stop her before refuting there’s something between them.

“It’s complicated,” she sighs, instead. Lexa should have this conversation and choose what she wants to say, not her. She only knows that supposedly they are taking it slow.  
Surprisingly, he sighs too, in his case, sad. “I can imagine.”

Clarke wonders if his reaction is related to Lexa’s nightmares or the pain she hides. Or why she asked her to lie Aden. Clarke is quite sure that everything is connected although Lexa avoids talking about it. 

“It’s not what you think…” For some reason, she has the urge of defending Lexa. “I had a bad breakout with my boyfriend almost two weeks ago. I’m not ready yet to another relationship, neither her, so we are taking it slow.”

Two truths one lie. Not bad. However, lying Aden is different than lying to her friends. It feels wrong, and that feeling grows up when the kid stares at her hopeful.

“Did she explain why?”

“No,” she admitted. “At least, not yet. But I can promise you that, when she is ready, I’ll be by her side.”

Aden smiles as if it was what he wanted to hear. “I’m glad she had met you. And I’m totally rooting for you.”

The doorbell interrupts at the best moment because Clarke didn’t know what she could answer. Curious and taking the chance of changing the subject, she stands up and goes to the door, followed very close by Aden.

She opens the door without asking, sure that it would be someone as Octavia. She didn’t expect to find Anya and her terrifying gaze. Clarke had seen movies with murderers that look nicer than her.

“Aden,” she says, coolly. “Let’s talk.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter they'll have to face... Anya


	13. An angel and two idiots

Clarke doesn’t say a word while Aden explains his story to Anya. Although the kid acts calmer than an hour ago, the presence of Anya makes him look anxious. He manages to summarize everything avoiding the girl’s eyes. When he ends, Anya simply stares in silence.

They are in the living room, Aden and Clarke on the couch, Anya in front of them on a chair. Clarke would prefer being in the kitchen, watching the cake that soon will be ready. If she’s on that couch, it’s only to provide some support to Aden. She has no idea of the relationship between him and Anya, but she must be blind to not see that the boy respects Anya a lot.

Since Aden is so nervous, Clarke breaks the silence explaining her plan. It’s simple, so she doesn’t need to talk too much, but Aden sighs relieved that Anya focuses her attention on another person.

“It could work,” admitted Anya after a short pause. “But there’s something I don’t understand.” It seemed impossible, but she narrowed her eyes even more. “Why are you helping?”

Clarke blinks for the unexpected question. Now that Anya asks it, she realizes that she doesn’t have a reason. She barely knows Aden and Lexa is… is Lexa. She isn’t so close to them. So, why didn’t she think it twice?

“How could I not help them? Lexa was bleeding and Aden bruised. I couldn’t just turn around.”

“But what about now? Why do you care if we solve our issues with Ontari or not?”

“Maybe because I am empathetic?”

“Anya,” Aden interrupts her before she could continue. “Clarke had been helping a lot, please, leave her alone.” He asks, determined.

“Okay,” she accepts, even though her expression shows that it isn’t true. “So, we have an angel and two idiots. Aden, could you tell who is the angel and who the idiots?”

“I guess Clarke is the angel.”

“Correct, Lexa and you are the idiots.”

Clarke opens her mouth to defend him, but Anya raises her hand asking her to stay quiet. She accepts it, at least for a while. Aden needs support, not someone insulting him.

“Why are you an idiot?” Continues the girl.

Aden avoids her eyes, looking down at his hands. “Because I tried to do it all on my own when I could ask you for help,” he mutters, quietly.

“I know you can solve your problems.” Her expression remains cold, but her voice softer a little. “However, if the problems grow, it’s okay to depend on us. You can handle some bullies of your age, but Ontari it’s a fucking adult. Or she should be, even if hitting kids isn’t something that an adult should do. Do you understand?”

Smiling, he nods. Anya’s words are harsh, but he seems to appreciate them. “I won’t forget it again.”

“I hope so. Now, why Lexa is an idiot?”

“She isn’t!”

“Of course she is,” she rolls her eyes. “Hey, angel, do you know why?”

Clarke raises an eyebrow, not really happy of being called ‘angel’. It’s better than princess but too sugary. “I could make a list. For example, for not taking care of her injuries.”

Anya grins, finally changing her expression, and rolls her eyes again. “I didn’t know that, but I’m not even surprised. Besides that, she acted like you, Aden.”

“She didn’t have a choice of going alone…” starts the kid, loyal to Lexa until the end.

“Are you sure? I don’t believe it was a coincidence that she was there.”

His eyes widen, realizing what Anya is suggesting. “But how could she know it? I didn’t tell her…”

“And that could stop her? C’mon, you know how stubborn she is. Lexa is like you, an idiot who would go alone to protect the ones she loves. Probably she didn’t hesitate, even if they were three. And my point is, do you want to be an idiot like her?”

Aden shakes his head.

“Thank god, I have enough with one. Try to be more like our blondie angel, okay?”

_Blondie angel?_

Before she starts planning Anya’s murder, Clarke excuses herself saying that she needs to go to the kitchen and watch the cake. Well, maybe that shouldn’t be a complete excuse, she won’t fail cooking a dessert. She spends the next five minutes there watching the oven, hearing the distant voices of Aden and Anya.

Once the cake is ready, Clarke leaves the kitchen, unwilling to be more time there with that suffocating warmth. Even though she planned to go to the living room, the sound of someone opening the front door, makes her change her mind. Before Anya or Aden could go, Clarke runs through the halfway. When she sees Lexa, she jumps toward her. Her roommate has good reflexes and catches her, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s back.

“Clarke? What’s happening?” she asks, too loud.

“Aden had asked me about our relationship,” she whispers near Lexa’s ear. She shouldn’t enjoy it so much, but it’s difficult, especially when Lexa shivers for her contact. “I told him it’s complicated and we are taking it slow.”

Anya and Aden reach them before she could end her explanation, but at least she had told her apart. And she hopes it’s enough.

“Whoa, Lexa, I didn’t know you were so close to our beloved blondie angel.”

_Beloved blondie angel??_

It seems impossible, but her nickname is only getting worse.

Clarke pushes away, although Lexa’s arms still around her body. Her fears become real when she sees her smirk.

“Blondie angel? It doesn’t suit you.” She’s trying to look serious, but she just looks as if she’s going to laugh.

“Well, it’s better than being called an idiot.”

“Yeah,” agrees Aden surprised them. He’s smiling, happier than Clarke had ever seen him. “Anya told me that I shouldn’t be an idiot like you, I guess she hopes I learn from Clarke to be a blondie angel.”

“That’s what you do when I’m not here?” asks Lexa, faking to be offended. “I will never let you alone.”

“Sure? Because you have to return to the gym soon, don’t you?” Teases Clarke.

“Ugh, good point, I have to be there in twenty minutes.”

“Okay, I’m lost,” Anya interrupts them. Unlike Aden, she doesn’t smile. In fact, she frowns with some concern. “Lexa, later we really need to talk.”

“Before that, we have some urgent matter.” Lexa stops smirking and recovers her serious façade. “I’d already call Lincoln, Nyko, and seven more, but I don’t have the number of all of them.”

She exchanges a look with Anya, who nods, understanding her without words.

“I have some on my phone, I’ll go for it.”

Anya turns and goes to the living room, followed for Aden, and leaving them alone. They should go with them; however, they stay in silence, staring at the other.

“I think Anya doesn’t believe us,” whispers Clarke. “Should I be more believable?”

“To convince Anya? That’s almost impossible, forget about her.”

“Are you challenge me?”

“Not this time. Either way, the one I want to know that we are together is Aden, Anya it’s too difficult.”

“But she will believe us, I can assure you.”

Maybe she was exaggerating and taking that as something personal is stupid, but Clarke couldn’t stop herself. It will be her revenge to Anya for calling her angel and she could prove to Lexa that she was wrong. A win-win.

Lexa stares at her, not really concerned. For the way she bites her lip, she finds this situation a bit funny. Smirking again, Lexa reaches out her hand to put a piece of hair behind Clarke’s ear. “As you wish, _angel.”_

_I’m fucking going to kill her._

Quickly, Clarke grabs Lexa’s hand and, before she could push away, she kisses her wrist. “Only to please _my commander,_ ” she says in her most flirty voice.

Lexa’s eyes widen at the same time it appears a faint blush on her cheeks. Clarke smirks, placing a second kiss before releasing her.

_Oh, how sweet it’s the victory._

**

After a lot of calls, Lexa is tired but satisfied. Some years ago, she couldn’t believe that she would follow Clarke’s plan. Now, she has to find out if it will work.

The first part of the plan starts when they go to the same alley as yesterday. They are only Aden, Lexa, and Clarke, even if the blonde doesn’t need to be there. However, she insisted, and it was impossible to change her mind. Lexa doesn’t mind since her presence makes Aden feel more comfortable.

The three of them stay in silence, Clarke staring at her mobile to see the time. Lexa had talked with Ontari and, supposedly she’s going to come at seven. When there are two minutes left, and she doesn’t show a sight that she’ll keep her compromise.

The time passes slowly but, five minutes later, Ontari walks into the alley. She looks furious, her nose swollen and bigger than usual. And, obviously, she isn’t alone. Besides the two boys from yesterday, there are two boys more and two girls. Seven people, not bad.

“Lexa,” she hisses. “I hope that you come here to apologize.”

“Only if you apologize first to Aden. After all, it was you who started this,” she replies, calm although she wants to punch her again.

Ontari chuckles, too proud of herself and angry to realize that there’s something wrong. “Why should I do that? Do you think you can win against the nine of us?”

“Not really. Luckily, we aren’t alone.”

“There’s only three of you,” she scoffs.

“Are you sure?” Anya’s voice makes them turn around.

The girl enters the alley with her familiar calm, even though her expression shows her hate. Octavia and Lincoln are behind her, both wearing leather jackets, way more intimidating than usual. One by one, the rest walks toward the alley until they are too many and some have to wait behind the dumpsters. Like Octavia and Lincoln, all have tried to wear their darkest clothes. And all of them stare with their better threatening looks at Ontari and their friends.

Lexa had called several old companions of school and, surprisingly, a lot of them agreed, even some friends outside the school like Emori and Murphy or Gustus, that had taken a break from the gym just to use his threatening aspect. They are around thirty and their reasons are different. Some of them had come for the promise of going later to a bar, others because they know Aden and probably, some because of their respect for Lexa. Maybe, someone was just bored. Either way, they are here. And they are more than them.

“Ontari.” Lexa steps closer using the tone that they used to call ‘the commander’s voice.’ “Don’t ever dare to hurt Aden again or any of their friends.”

The girl swallows, trying to look confident and failing. “I’m not afraid or you,” she mutters, pathetically.

“You should be”. Lexa narrows her eyes like Anya does when she’s mad. “We are more than you and if you hurt one of them, you hurt all. Now leave and don’t you ever try to attack any of us. Or you will regret it.”

Ontari opens and closes her mouth, searching for something. She hasn’t found an answer when one of the boys grabs her arm and pulls her. She and her friends walk away, trying to hide that they had scared them.

Once they are gone, the show ends. Lincoln smiles again, recovering his soft expression, and Octavia goes to hug Aden. Lexa can hear some laughs and jokes, even Murphy’s voice asking if they can go now to drink.

It’s been a while since the last time Lexa was with some of their old friends, however, before going to talk with them, she stares at Clarke. The blonde is shocked, even though it was her plan. Maybe she didn’t expect that it could work so well. Right now, the reason doesn’t matter. Instead of teasing her this time, Lexa smiles. It’s a genuine smile that in general she tries to not show, but today she makes an exemption.

“Thanks, Clarke.”

Lexa was ready to fight against Ontari alone, even if they were three, seven, or ten. Even if it was an easy solution. Even if she wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this chapter planned since the beginning of the story and originally the title was going to be under pressure because Queen's song. And then, Anya arrived and I change my mind XD


	14. Unpleasant guest

Some years ago, Clarke could have never guessed that she would end in a bar surrounded by grounder’s old students. Neither that she would enjoy it.

Maybe they are too loudly, especially two of them that they are already drunk, but in general there’s a good ambient. Having near some familiar faces as Octavia or Lincoln helps too. They make her feel that she isn’t an intruder. At the begging she felt that way, however, soon Aden explained that it was all Clarke’s plan, so she gained a lot of smiles. Then, all the animadversion disappeared when Murphy proclaimed that she is dating Lexa and no one refuted. Since that moment, the grounder’s fully accepted Clarke, acting as if she was an old friend and not their old enemy.

It’s funny that Lexa’s friends had accepted her so easily, buy it also makes Clarke feel a bit anxious. If this continues this way, soon it will be out of control. The idea was to fool Finn, then Clarke’s friends. Bit by bit, they are too many being lied. And Clarke wants to increase that number with Anya. Luckily, the girl needed to return to her job, Raven could only cover her for a while, so she isn’t in the bar. That gives Clarke some time to think if convincing Anya about their relationship is as good idea as she thought at first. Now she realizes that it should be Lexa’s decision, not something decided it for her stupid pride.

Between beer and beer, they stay in the bar for almost two hours. Nyko is the first to excuse that he has work tomorrow morning, so he needs to leave. After him, Lexa is the next who decides to leave. She doesn’t explain herself, but Clarke is sure that her reason is Aden. Although the kid is having fun, he looks tired.

Clarke meets Lexa’s eyes and sees the question ‘Do you want to come with us?’. As an answer, Clarke smiles and finishes her beer. After saying goodbye to her friends, she waits near Aden while Lexa says her goodbyes. It seems that all of them want to have some words with their Heda.

Twenty minutes later, they finally are on their way to the apartment. They walk in silence, Clarke trying to be subtle so Lexa doesn’t realize that she can’t stop staring at her. Clarke is still shocked by the way Lexa talked with Ontari or the number of people she convinced to help them. It’s… amazing.

When they arrive at their apartment, Aden drags his foot until Lexa’s room. He’s doing an effort of having his eyes opened, but he looks at them before getting in the room.

“You two are going to sleep together?”

“Of course,” assures Lexa with a soft smile that Clarke has only seen her using with Aden. “Until I change the couch, no one will sleep there.”

Aden nods, satisfied. “Good night,” he mutters, sleepy.

Once they are alone, Clarke grabs Lexa’s arm to avoid her running away.

“I need to change that bandage,” she explains.

This time, Lexa doesn’t fight back and follows her. In the bathroom, Clarke does as she had said, happy when she confirms that the cut has a good aspect. Once she finishes, she stares at her roommate.

“I hope you didn’t lie Aden.”

Lexa’s shoulders tense and the girl avoids her gaze. Her reaction is quite eloquent. “I’d already bother you enough.”

“I remember that we had the same conversation yesterday.”

When Clarke gets up, she extends her hand to Lexa in an offering that her roommate can’t deny. 

Once they are in Clarke’s room, she realizes how different it’s her current situation in comparison with yesterday. Lexa is fully awake and for the first time, Clarke is conscient of what it means sleeping with her again. Suddenly, the couch doesn’t sound so bad. However, she won’t take back her words.

Acting as if this doesn’t embarrass her, Clarke sits on her bed and grabs her pyjama. Only then, she realizes that there’s another difference.

“Hum, Lexa? You didn’t grab a pyjama, don’t you?”

She takes a moment to answer, even when it’s easy. “No. And I can’t awake Aden for that.”

“True.” She smiles while tries to contain a chuckle. “You know? You also forget about your clothes Sunday after Octavia’s party.”

“Sorry,” she mutters, embarrassed, and slightly blushed. It’s amazing that she’s the same person that some hours ago terrified Ontari. “I’m used to living with Anya, so…”

Clarke’s smile grows wider. She could tease her, but right now it is so easy that it wouldn’t be funny. “Don’t worry.” She leans up and opens a wardrobe, where she pulls out another pyjama. She throws it to Lexa, who catches it showing good reflex. “You can use this.”

“You don’t have to; I can sleep with like this.”

Her t-shirt is a simple one, so not a big deal. However, she also wears long leather pants that make her look sexy, but they seem a bit uncomfortable with too many buckles. Also, they are July, so if Lexa sleeps with them, she’s going to roast.

“My bed my rules. I don’t want you with those suffocating pants, so you can choose between my pyjama or sleeping in underwear.”

And for her sanity, she hopes that Lexa chooses the pyjama.

Instead of arguing, Lexa smirks, amused. ”You don’t let my sleep on the couch and now you decided what I wear. Are you sure you aren’t the commander?” 

“Obviously, I am.”

She turns, wishing that Lexa isn’t staring at her, and starts changing her clothes. When she finished, she turns back just to find that her roommate had loaned and now wears the pyjama. She didn’t think about how good she would look with it. Definitely, seeing her with her clothes isn’t good for her sanity either.

Making a huge effort of letting her mind blank and forget the blessed image of Lexa, Clarke lays down in one of the corners of the bed. Soon, her roommate switch of the lights. Clarke is facing the wall, so she only hears that Lexa moves and slips in the bed. Although they aren’t touching, she can sense the warmth of Lexa’s body. And she is so fucking conscient of how close they are, even if they are further than yesterday.

“Good night, Clarke.” 

“Good night, Lexa.”

**

Just like the night before, Clarke is wakened because of Lexa’s nightmare. The blonde repeats what she did yesterday with the same result. Again, she watches Lexa on the verge of tears but biting them back. Again, she holds Lexa very close, giving her the embrace that she would never ask for. Again, Clarke falls sleep hugging her, Lexa’s head resting on her chest.

The next time Clarke wakes, the room is barely illuminated by the light that enters from the window. It’s probably soon, so she wonders what had awakened her. This time isn’t Lexa’s fault, her slow breath proves that she’s sleeping. Surprisingly, Clarke doesn’t find uncomfortable the weigh of Lexa’s body against her. Somehow, it’s even comforting. And she doesn’t want to analyze it, only enjoy this moment.

The sound of her mobile buzzing breaks the calm. Lexa, suddenly awake, moves away, probably embarrassed. She’s in a sitting position while Clarke keeps lying on the bed, missing the warmth of Lexa. Frustrated for missing it.

“Clarke? I think they are calling you.”

“I know,” she sighs, upset.

She searches her mobile, that had ended on the floor. The screen shows Octavia’s name and only because it is her, Clarke picks up the call.

“Octavia? Why are you calling so soon?”

“Finally!” Octavia is panting as if she’s running. For the noise of the cars, she must be in the street. “I’ve been trying to call you for twenty minutes. And yes, it’s soon, but my stupid brother is a morning person and thinks that eight is a good hour to make a visit.”

“Bellamy? Visit?” She asks, confused.

Lexa walks out of the room while Clarke tries to focus. Why is Octavia talking about her brother? He is on a trip with Echo… Wait, no. He returned last night.

“Shut up, Bellamy,” she protests, angry. “Clarke, we are in front of your apartment,” she adds with a softer tone.

“WHAT?”

Clarke jumps at the same time she hears the doorbell. She hangs up the mobile and for a moment stands still, processing the information. Then, she runs outside her room. She arrives too late and is Lexa who opens the door.

“Octavia, is something wrong?” There’s some concern in her voice, although her expression remains serene as always.

“Yes, my brother,” snaps Octavia. She is tense and her eyes shine in fury. It’s been a while since the last time Clarke watch her so upset.

Next to her, Bellamy looks equally upset, staring at Lexa without hiding his disgust. His eye’s narrow even more when he looks at her clothes, recognizing Clarke’s pyjama.

“So, you must be Bellamy.” Lexa talks with a monochrome tone, but Clarke is sure that she isn’t happy to see him. “Octavia had talked a lot of you.”

That state, even if it could be neutral, corroborates Clarke’s feeling that Lexa doesn’t like Bellamy.

“Seriously? Because she didn’t talk about you.”

If the moment couldn’t be tenser, Aden chooses that moment to approach, curious. “Octavia? What are you doing here?”

The four of them turn toward the kid. He wears pants and a big t-shirt, so long that probably belongs to Lexa, but that doesn’t cover enough to hide the bruises of his arms. Even if his aspect is better than Monday, he still looks pretty bad.

“Did she kidnap a child?!” Shuts Bellamy horrified.

“Bell!” Yells Octavia, louder. “They are siblings! And Lexa saved him.”

Clarke steps closer, her arms crossed, decided to interfere before this gets worst. “Bellamy, what do you want?”

“See if you were okay.” His concern is genuine but only makes her feel angrier. He is worried because of Lexa, even if the girl had been helping her all this time.

“And you needed to come so early?”

“I had brought some biscuits.” He raises a bag as if it’s enough excuse.

No one believes him, but Lexa sighs. “C’mon, let’s have some breakfast.”

“Thanks.” Octavia smiles her, guilty. “And sorry for coming so unexpected.”

Lexa shrugs as if she wants to tell her that she knows that it isn’t Octavia’s fault. They walk for the hallway in silence, Bellamy analyzing the apartment, probably searching for some corpses or kidnapped kids.

In the kitchen, Aden turns to Lexa. “Can I eat a piece of Clarke’s cake?”

Clarke melted, forgetting for a moment the intrusion of Bellamy. “Of course.”

“No,” refuses Lexa at the same time.

The two girls exchange a look.

“He already ate yesterday,” points Lexa.

“But he’s growing. And he only ate a piece.”

“Clarke, I was there, it was almost a quarter of the cake,” Lexa smirks like when they are teasing. And Clarke can’t avoid doing the same.

“A quarter? Don’t exaggerate, it wasn’t so big. Now, be honest and admit that you like it so much that you want it just for you.”

With a small smile but genuine in her lips, Lexa opens the cupboard to take some cups. “In your dreams, Clarke.” 

Her smile disappears when she looks behind her. When Clarke follows her eyes, she discovers Octavia’s amused expression that contrasts with Bellamy’s horrified.

“So… Can I eat another piece?” Asks Aden with a tiny tone.

“Yes.”

“No.”

**

In the end, Aden ate one piece of cake.

Lexa, instead of finding it frustrating, thought it was funny. And that it showed, again, Clarke’s amazing power to persuade. Apart from that, breakfast was a pain in the ass, just like Bellamy. Lexa had never liked him, no before all the troubles she caused to Octavia when he didn’t accept Lincoln. And that was nothing in comparison to his attitude in school and all the fights he started.

During the breakfast, Lexa tried to ignore those feelings, thinking that maybe he, like Clarke, had changed. Ten minutes later, she knew that it wasn’t the case. He spent all the time teasing her. And it wasn’t as the teasing of Clarke, just a strange game. No, he was aggressive, and his intentions clear. He wanted her to explode, that she showed her ‘true self’.

Lexa ignored his attempts of making her lose control, grateful that Octavia and Clarke defended her, even if that fact only made Bellamy angrier. Lexa did an effort to hold almost fifteen minutes with them before leaving with the excuse that she needed a shower.

Now, in the solitude of the bathroom, Lexa enjoys the quiet calm. She knows that she can handle Bellamy, but also that she’s tired of not sleeping well because of the nightmares; that she needs some rest after her encounter with Ontari and her return to Titus’. Even if she has good control of her emotions, it isn’t perfect. And she doesn’t want problems in her friendship with Octavia because of his brother. Or in her strange friendship with Clarke. Lexa isn’t sure of what type of relationship they have, but she must admit that, somehow, she like her.

When she ends, she isn’t surprised realizing that she had forgotten grabbing some clothes. Again. She puts on Clarke’s pyjama and goes to her room, where she finally changes to her sportswear. She lets the pyjama over the bed with the doubt of what doing with it. Cleaning it before returning it to Clarke? Using some days more? It’s a stupid doubt, but it’s relaxing having doubts like this.

Her calm is broken with some knocks on the door. Luckily, it’s Aden, who slid in her room. “I can’t stand Bellamy anymore,” he admits in a whisper.

“Me neither.”

They exchange an accomplice smile that almost makes Aden start laughing. The kid manages to control himself, but he changes his t-shit for another smiling. Lexa is happy seeing like this, so carefree. Sadly, as always, the moment doesn’t long enough.

“Aden, do you want to come today to the gym?”

He nods. “Yeah, it’s not as if I can stay here forever.”

“Aden...” She hesitates but ends squeezing his shoulder in a way she hopes is comforting. “You can stay here the time you need. I love having you around. And if you want more space, you can go to Anya’s.”

Although she doesn’t say it, they are thinking the same message. You don’t have to go back with Titus.

“Thanks, Lexa.” He mutters, his eyes shining for tears of joy. “I really appreciate it, but part of my family is in that house too.”

“I know. But I hope you know too that you will always be welcome here.”

He nods again, unable to speak.

**

Lexa’s first-class on the gym doesn’t start yet but Bellamy doesn’t know it, so he can’t complain when she explains that she must go now. Beside her, Aden nods, confirming her words, while Octavia and Clarke share a sight, relieved.

On the street, Lexa can breathe relaxed. She wishes that, when she comes back, the boy isn’t there any longer. She pities Octavia and Clarke that will have to deal with their friend. Hopefully, without her in the apartment, Bellamy’s behaviour will improve.

However, when they arrive at the gym, Lexa regrets coming so soon. First, she hasn’t an excuse to not stop to talk with Gustus, who is really worried about Aden and wants more explanations. She can deal with him; he won’t push her too much. The problem waits for her in front of the class door.

Anya.

Her friend’s gaze is cold, and Lexa can read the promise that they have THE conversation today.

Suddenly, being in a room with Bellamy doesn’t sound so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that this is the second chapter that end with a pending conversation with Anya XD


	15. Two types of friends

Once Lexa and Aden are gone, Clarke turns to Bellamy, furious. She clenches her fists controlling the desire to punch him.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

The boy crosses his arms. He changes his aggressive behaviour for a defensive one. “Trying to understand how you could like her.”

“No, you are being a piece of shit. You don’t want to understand, you want to prove that you are right.”

“Because I don’t get it! After everything she did in high school, how could you live with her?!”

“Bell,” intercedes Octavia. Opportunely, she is sitting between them. “Clarke’s right. I’ve already told you that you don’t have to worry about Lexa.”

“Yeah, because you have been friends for years and you didn’t tell me anything.”

“How could I? Look at your reaction.”

“My reaction is normal! You two are out of your mind trusting that freak.”

“She’s not a freak!” Answer the two girls at the same time.

Bellamy stares at them, taken back, but soon he recovers. “Seriously? Then, Clarke, your mother knows it?”

_Did he use the M-card?_

Her face must be pretty legible, cause the boy smirks, triumphant. “You didn’t tell her. What, are you ashamed?”

“I haven’t said anything to her YET because we haven’t even been together for a week,” she hisses. “So no, I’m not ashamed, but I prefer waiting some time as I did with ALL my couples.”

Her tone is so hard that Bellamy doesn’t reply immediately. Both know that she doesn’t talk a lot with Abby. She hasn’t even visited her mother since she moved out. And she’s conscient that she should talk with her more, but that’s not how their fragile relationship works. After all, the best way of avoiding fights is to avoid conversations.

“C’mon,” he insists. “You know that Abby won’t be happy when she hears that you are dating a delinquent.”

“It’s a shame that I’m an adult and I don’t care about her opinion.”

“And Lexa isn’t a delinquent.” Octavia intercedes, more upset than before.

“Yes, she is.” 

Clarke bites her lip, suppressing the urge to start yelling. There’s an easy solution to this mess. She could trust Bellamy and tell him that they aren’t really dating, and then, he would stop. It’s the easiest solution, however, Clarke refuses to take it. She hates that he refers to Lexa as a freak, what she wants is that he accepts Lexa as Octavia did. As she did. Besides, a part of her can understand him, not long ago she thought the same.

“Alright,” Clarke says clapping her hands to catch their attention. “Bellamy, if you want to judge her, you will have to shut up.”

“But…”

“Don’t interrupt me,” she hisses, raising her hand and pointing one finger to him. “Not a single word. When Lexa returns, you can be here, but quiet. If you want to judge, even if you have no right, you can do it in silence. Give her a real chance, okay?”

“Fine…” He mutters.

“If you attack her again, you are out, understand? This is her house; you can’t come here and do whatever you want. Show some respect.”

Her words seem to work and the boy nods, uncomfortable.

Octavia offers one thumb up to Clarke with a wide smile, proving that she’s on her side. “Now that Clarke had set this clear, Bell, do you want to tell us about your holidays?”

**

At the end of the class, Lexa sees Aden leaving with his friends. The kid told her that he will return to Titus’ and, even if it is necessary, Lexa can’t stop worrying about him. But it’s his choice and she must accept it.

When the last kid leaves the class, Anya enters. Behind her stoic expression, Lexa can see crystal clear her frustration. Anya is in a bad mood and this conversation won’t be easy.

With no place to run, Lexa sits on the floor. Anya imitates and sits in front of her. They are so close enough that, if one of them leans down, she could touch the other. Obviously, it doesn’t happen.

“Anya, say what you have to.”

“You knew it, don’t you?” It’s more of a fact than a question.

“knew what?” She asks, confused. She wasn’t expected this start.

“Where was Aden.”

Lexa doesn’t reply, it isn’t necessary.

“You knew it, but you decided to go on your own.” Anya’s eyes look through her as if she can see her soul. “You could have asked me, even if I was working. You could have asked Lincoln, who was free and lives near. You could have asked someone of the gym and Gustus could have been there in less than ten minutes. You could have asked for help, but you didn’t. Why?”

Lexa hesitates, taken back for Anya’s words. She can say that she didn’t have time or that she believed that it wouldn’t be necessary. However, the truth spills through her lips before she can stop it. “I… didn’t think about that.”

It didn’t occur to her, even if later Clarke showed her how easy it was doing some calls.

“That’s why you are an idiot.” Anya sighs. She doesn’t look mad, just tired and older than she is. “Do you understand that you were reckless? That this could have ended very bad?”

“I’m… sorry.”

“I hope so. And if there’s a next time, please, consider more options.”

Probably is Clarke’s fault and all the times they had a hug, but suddenly Lexa has the urge of hugging Anya. However, the moment passes, and Lexa doesn’t move. 

“I’ll do. Or at least I’ll try,” she promises it with a tiny smile. “Honesty, I was expecting more screaming.”

“Don’t worry, we haven’t finished yet.” Anya smirks and there’s something dangerous in her expression. “I was a bit shocked earlier, I didn’t know you are so close with Clarke.” She pronounces her name slow, separating the syllables.

“Oh no, we won’t have this conversation.”

“Why not? I’m not sure why you like her, but I’m not against it. I’m happy for you.”

Lexa stands up and covers her face with her hands. She prefers that Anya think that she is embarrassed than anxious and probably paled. How can Anya think that she likes Clarke? Anya should be the one realizing that they are fake.

“Lexa?” Anya stands up too and, doubting, places her hand in Lexa’s shoulder. “It’s okay if you like her.”

Of course, it is. Lexa knows that she’s conscient that she can fall in love again. But, even if it’s what her brain tells her, her heart opines it’s wrong. And it hurt.

“I was sure that you will oppose.” Lexa drops her hands to show a calm expression and a fake smile. “I thought you didn’t like blondie angels.”

Anya hesitates but ends accepting the change of subject. “She was a blondie angel before she explained her plan and I saw her making Aden smile.”

“Wow, she gained your acceptation in less than a day, that’s impressive.”

“That’s because I have the feeling that this is just the beginning.”

**

Talking about Bellamy’s trip improved the mood and an hour later the three of them are laughing on the couch. Clarke appreciates having a good time like this without worries or lies, just three friends enjoying their summer.

However, Clarke sighs relieved when Bellamy gets up and goes to the bathroom, leaving her alone with Octavia.

“Sorry,” mutters Octavia once he can’t hear them. “I tried to stop him, but he was determined to come here. And you know how stubborn he can be.”

“It’s okay, O,” she sighs. “Do you think we can change her mind about Lexa?”

“Clarke, two weeks ago you hated the idea of living with her and now you are defending her. Yeah, I do believe he can change too.”

Somewhat, Octavia’s comment makes Clarke blush. “She doesn’t deserve that Bellamy acts like a jerk with her. That’s all.”

“Clarke, you don’t have to explain yourself. I get it.” Octavia smirks. “And I’m happy that you too are friends.”

_They? Friends? Since when??_

“C’mon don’t look so shocked,” chuckles Octavia. “I was there when you were arguing if Aden could eat another piece or not. You sounded like an old married couple. And if you are defending her now is because you don’t hate her anymore, right?”

“Maybe I don’t hate her. And it’s possible that I enjoy spending time with her, and she was there when I needed her, and…” She trails, conscient of her words and feelings. Conscient of her own lies. “I like her,” she admits, whispering. “I think she’s amazing and I love seeing her caring for other people or the way she smiles when she’s relaxed.”

_Did she say it out loud?_

Octavia stares at her, her smirk turned into a surprised expression.

_Definitely, she did say it out loud._

“Don’t worry.” Clarke forces a smile to hide her embarrassment. “You and Wells are my best friends, she won’t take your place,” she jokes.

“That’s… relieved,” she says, a bit recovered. However, her eyes are shining in a way that Clarke can’t understand. “You know…” she adds after a long pause. “I do think she likes you too. Even with Bellamy there, she looks relaxed when she’s with you.”

Clarke nods, ignoring the connotation of the word ‘like’. Octavia is referring to friendship; they aren’t talking about romantic feelings.

They get into another long pause, even larger than the last.

“Hey,” starts Clarke, still embarrassed for the things she admitted. “Don’t you think that it is taking too long to Bellamy?”

As soon as she said it, she exchanges a worried look with Octavia. They get up in sync, probably thinking the same. They find Bellamy standing in the hallway with his hands on his pants pockets and frowning. 

“Bellamy, it’s something wrong?” Asks Octavia, concerned.

“Nah, I just have a little stomachache, but I’m fine.” He smiles.

Clarke stares at him. She has a bad feeling.

**

They are finishing cooking when Lexa returns to the apartment. Clarke leaves the siblings in the kitchen -It isn’t as if she was doing a lot, she’s so terrible cooking even something as simple as pasta- and runs to meet her.

Clarke doesn’t know why, but there’s something in Lexa’s distant expression that tells her that her roommate isn’t fine, so she doesn’t doubt stepping closer to hug her. This isn’t like the hug she gave her when Anya and Aden were at the apartment, urgent and fake. This one is caring and tries to comfort her.

In her arms Lexa is tense. However, a second later, the girl relaxed and rest her face in Clarke’s shoulder.

“Bellamy still here?” She asks, quietly.

“Yeah, but we threatened him to kick his as off if he continues being a jerk. Where’s Aden?”

“He wanted to return to his house.”

Her voice sounds even quieter and Clarke wonders what kind of expression Lexa has right now. Ignoring her curiosity, she rubs her hand doing circles on Lexa’s back.

“That’s sad, he’s going to miss Blake’s special pasta. Octavia and Bellamy don’t usually work together, but when they cook, they are the best.”

At that moment, they hear Octavia yelling to her brother that he should throw more grated cheese and Bellamy shouting that it was enough.

It’s so incredible thinking that Bellamy is cooking in Lexa’s apartment that Clarke can’t control herself and starts laughing. Lexa is shaking and, when they push away, she has the wider smile Clarke has ever seen her. She looks like if she’s trying so hard not laugh.

“They sound very trustworthy,” she says with a little chuckle.

It isn’t so funny; however, Clarke laughs even louder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, 30k words. I never thought I would write so much in english XD


	16. Falling apart

If looks could kill, Bellamy would already kill Lexa ten times. Besides that, the boy doesn’t say a word, so the dinner goes without any incident. A bit tense, but no one argues, so Clarke cannot complain.

Between bite and bite, Octavia fills the conversation while Clarke makes a huge effort laughing her jokes and asking her some questions to avoid being in silence. Lexa helps too, especially when Octavia starts explaining an anecdote about once Murphy was completely drunk and started dancing on a table. Whit that, even Bellamy smiles and seems to forget that he’s sharing the same table with Lexa. For a moment, Clarke wishes that someday if they repeat the dinner, the laughs and the jokes sound natural.

Once they finish, Lexa offers to wash since she didn’t help to cook. Clarke helps her with the excuse that she didn’t help them either and that Octavia and Bellamy are their guests. While cleaning, Clarke takes advantage of this time to talk a little with her roommate.

“Thanks for being so patient with Bellamy.”

“Your welcome.” Lexa ends cleaning the cooking pot before turning. “Can I ask you something?”

“You just did it,” she winks.

“Clarke…” Her tone is equally annoyed and amused.

“Sorry, I couldn’t avoid it. What do you want to ask?”

“Why is Bellamy here?”

Clarke’s smile disappears. She had forgotten that Lexa doesn’t know it. For a brief moment, she thinks about lying, until she remembers that the lies are what has brought her to this point. Sighing, she moves closer to Lexa and lows her voice.

“He heard that we are dating and… He doesn’t have a good memory of you.” She shifts her weight from foot to foot. “He’s very protective, so he wants to see if you are…”

“Worthily?” Ends Lexa. She has her usual small smile that uses when she tries to look fine even if, probably, she isn’t.

“Kind of… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, he’s the jerk, not you. Clarke, I understand that you don’t want your friends to know the truth, but have you considered be honest with him?”

Clarke bites her lip. She can’t explain her reason, no when she doesn’t fully understand it. No if that means explaining how much she hates hearing Bellamy ranting about her. Luckily, that’s not her only motive.

“This isn’t just about us, it’s also for Octavia. It must be hard that your brother detests your friends. Or having a party where you can’t invite the people you love because they can’t stand each other. She already suffered enough when we didn’t accept Lincoln just because he was from your school, even if he did nothing wrong.”

Lexa stares at her with an unreadable expression. “You are a good person, Clarke.”

Her tone is so soft that Clarke blushes a little. “Ugh… Thanks.”

Suddenly, she’s conscient that, even if she didn’t realize, they had moved even closer. With one step, she would touch her.

“So…” Lexa hesitates with a pink tinge on her cheeks, but soon she recovers. “How did Bellamy accept Lincoln?”

“He was the only one left; everyone but him have already accepted it. And Lincoln was always proving how much he loved Octavia so, he didn’t have a choice. Besides, I think he was conscient that he could lose Octavia if he continued pushing her.”

Lexa nods. When she starts smirking, Clarke knew that she won’t like her commentary. “Then, I guess I should prove how much I love you?”

Clarke feels her cheeks burning. And Lexa’s amused expression doesn’t help her.

“Really?” Clarke steps in Lexa’s personal space until their noses touch. Being so close, she can hear her tiny gasp, so this count as a victory. “Do you think you could do it?”

Of course, Lexa doesn’t surrender. She wraps her arms around Clarke’s waist, pulling them even closer. “Can you?”

Now it’s the moment to step back and return to the living room. Instead, Clarke remains in silence, struggling her brain to find a way to turn the tables. Unfortunately, she can only think about kissing her.

Before she could decide, she hears Octavia and Bellamy’s voices, as if they are coming to the kitchen, probably wondering why they didn’t return yet.

“Yeah, I can.” She raises her hands to cup Lexa’s cheeks. “And I can prove it now.”

The kiss was meant to be chaste, just a peck like the first on Octavia’s party. It was meant to be short, just some seconds, and end it when Octavia and Bellamy entered the kitchen. Instead, it is deep, full of desire. Clarke forgets about her friends, that this is a game, and their relation fake. She forgets about everything but Lexa’s lips.

Like every good moment, it comes to his end too soon when Bellamy coughs.

Gently, Lexa pulls her away and Clarke hasn’t another option than releasing her cheeks. Like a déjà vu of Octavia’s party, Lexa looks away, avoiding her eyes. A bit hurt, Clarke steps back and turns toward her dammit friends.

Octavia seems too astonished to say something, however, she’s better than her brother. Bellamy is livid and he stares at them furiously before running away from the kitchen.

Clarke tries to understand his behaviour, he looks too mad, angrier than he should be. But, instead of analysing or going after him, Clarke can only think about the kiss. She needs to stop lying and admit that she’s really attracted to Lexa. And, for the way she kissed her back, Lexa probably feels the same.

She isn’t conscient that the three of them have been staring in uncomfortable silence until Bellamy enters again. His face is red, and his eyes shine for the fury.

“HOW COULD YOU BE CHEATING ON CLARKE?!” He yells. He raises his arm to show them a framed picture. 

Although his hand is shaking, Clarke manages to recognize Lexa’s face. In the picture, she’s sitting on the beach, kissing a dark haired girl.

“Bell…” Starts Octavia.

Paying attention, they could realize that the girl looks horrified and her voice sounds broken. However, all the looks are placed on Lexa. She’s pale, her eyes widen.

“YOU ARE EVEN WORST THAN FINN!”

“Bellamy!”

Octavia’s scream arrives too late. Bellamy, completely furious, drops the picture. It collides to the floor so violent that the frame breaks in two pieces and some pieces of crystal bounces.

The sound of the crystal shattering is what makes Clarke react. She puts herself in front of Lexa when Bellamy steps toward her.

“That’s enough Bellamy,” she warns him. Maybe she is confused and doesn’t know what’s happening, but Bellamy looks ready to punch Lexa and she won’t allow him.

“You… are defending her?” He asks incredulously, clenching his jaw. “Why…?”

“Because Costia is dead,” hisses Octavia. Unlike his brother, she doesn’t raise the voice, however, she sounds angrier than him. “She’s dead.”

Freeze, Bellamy stops. His expression changes the exact moment he understands the words of his sister. Meanwhile, Octavia leans down to pick up the picture.

Clarke turns toward her roommate and raises her hand. Before she could touch her, Lexa moves away. Besides been pale, she shows no expression. She steps toward Bellamy. He’s taller than her, but he seems smaller.

“I’m sorry-”

“Leave.” She interrupts. Her voice is colder than the ice. “Now.”

He swallows. It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to leave like this, but for the first time, he listens. “I’m sorry,” he mutters before going out.

Octavia waits until her brother is out to extend her arm, offering the picture to Lexa. The girl accepts it and, without adding anything else, she leaves too. Clarke follows her some seconds later to see that her roommate enters her room, closing the door.

Clarke can’t do anything. Lexa has been clear showing that she wants to be alone. So, even if Clarke wishes to go after her and comfort her, she takes a deep breath and goes in the opposite direction. She finds Bellamy and Octavia in the living room, both in silence.

“Let’s go outside.” Surprisingly, Clarke’s voice sounds secure and not as angry as she is.

The siblings go after her without complaining. She leads the way downstairs, feeling sick. This is her fault for lying, for being naïve and believe that they could erase years of mutual hate in one day. But she isn’t the only one who deserves to carry the blame.

They stop at the gate and, for a moment, no one says anything.

“I’m really sorry,” repeats Bellamy. “This wasn’t my intention. If I knew it…”

“Where do you find that picture?” Clarke asks, knowing the answer. It’s the first time she saw it, so there’s only one possibility. However, she wants to hear it from him.

“In her room,” he admits. At least, he has the decency of looking regretful.

“You what?!” Shouts Octavia.

“You went after going to the bathroom, right?” Continues Clarke, mad for being so blind. “Tell me Bellamy, what were you looking for?”

“I… I thought I could find something about her. And then I saw the picture and I didn’t know how explained it without hurting you…”

“Listen to me, Bellamy. You had no right to go to her room. And even if you had, you can’t accuse her without evidence just because you dislike her.”

“But Finn…”

“This has nothing to do with Finn, this is onto you. You were looking for an excuse to hate her even more, to prove that she isn’t good to me even if she has done nothing wrong. Even if she makes me feel happier. Why can’t you accept it? Why you didn’t give her a real chance?”

Clarke takes a deep breath. If she keeps talking, she will start crying, she can already feel the tears on the corner of her eyes. She doesn’t know if they are tears of anger or frustration. If she wants to cry for herself or for Lexa.

When she continues, her voice is broken. “I’d told you; you aren’t my brother. I don’t care if you think that you have a debt with Jake. I don’t care if you believe that you must act like a parental figure to me. What I need is a friend. And you weren’t.”

Determined to not cry in front of them, Clarke turns, leaving the siblings behind. 

The resolution she had talking with Bellamy dies at the same time she arrives at Lexa’s door. After being there for almost five minutes, she knocks.

“Lexa?” 

Clarke hears a noise. It’s the only reply she got.

“I understand that you need some time alone. But, if you want to talk or something, I’ll be in my room.” She places her forehead on the door as if she could be nearer her. “I’m here.”

Although Lexa continues without saying anything back, Clarke slides and sits on the floor.

**

Lexa wants to get out of her room, smile to Clarke, and say that everything is alright. That she is fine. Instead, she’s curled up on her bed, biting back her tears. Conscient that she can’t lie to Clarke if she can’t even lie to herself.

Costia is dead. It’s almost been a year since the accident. A fucking year. Then, why it hurt so much? Why it still hurting as the first day? How much she needs to wait until the pain disappears?

“Lexa?” Clarke’s voice sounds far, even if they are some metres away and only separated by the door.

Lexa gets up and walks to her, but she stops. She can’t face Clarke, not like this.

“I understand that you need some time alone. But, if you want to talk or something, I’ll be in my room.”

She needs to answer, promise that she’s fine, that she doesn’t have to worry. However, Lexa feels a lump in her throat. It’s too tight and she can’t speak. Even breathing is difficult.

“I’m here,” adds Clarke some seconds later when Lexa thought that she would be already gone.

Exhausted, Lexa sits down, her back pressing the door. She closes her eyes and controls her breathing. Even if she stills wants to cry, there aren’t tears in her eyes. It should be a small victory, but she doesn’t feel any better.

**

She stays in her room all afternoon without doing anything less than meditate. She tries to suppress her feelings like she has been doing for years. She stays still until she can smile, and her voice sounds secure. Only then she opens the door.

The halfway is in darkness and, when she looks at the clock of the kitchen, she finds out that it’s almost one in the morning. Someone, probably Clarke, had picked up the glasses from the floor. The only evidence that something has been broken is the pain inside of her.

She isn’t hungry and the floor is clean, so Lexa goes back to her room. She lays down on the bed and closes her eyes, wishing for a calm night that brings her some rest.

She dreams that Costia falls to the ground and breaks in a million pieces. Even if she tries to fix it, there are too many pieces. There’s blood everywhere, thousand cuts in her hands caused by the glass.

Lexa doesn’t know she was screaming until someone slaps her, awakening her. She’s on her own bed without Costia, the blood, or the broken glass. In front of her there’s only Clarke. Her roommate is sitting on the bed, her hands cupping Lexa’s cheeks. She’s terrified and crying, even if she doesn’t seem to notice.

“Lexa…” She mutters. “It was a nightmare.”

Lexa raises her hand —surprisingly, she doesn’t find any blood or cut—, and carefully, caress Clarke’s cheek, wet for the tears. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to scare you…” She hates that her voice sounds so weak, but above all, she hates seeing Clarke like this. “I’m sorry…”

“Hey, don’t say that.” Clarke leans down. For a brief moment, Lexa thinks that she’s going to kiss her. However, Clarke just presses her foreheads as she did some nights ago. 

“You did nothing wrong; you don’t need to apologize.”

She wants to kiss her, but it’s wrong. It shouldn’t feel wrong, but it is. She feels like she’s sinking and the only thing that avoid her to continue falling is Clarke. And it’s… wrong.

It’s a mess, her life is a fucking mess. It has always been, but now she can’t even get up.

Lexa shakes her head and Clarke moves away. That’s the right decision, she needs to put some distance between them. However, losing her touch makes her sink.

“Do you want me to stay here?”

_Yes._

_No._

_Stay._

_Leave._

Lexa shakes her head again but when Clarke gets up, she grabs her hand. She doesn’t remember why she needs to put that distance. Something about not being weak. She’s a mess, and she doesn’t know anymore what’s right and what’s wrong. She doesn’t know why she had caught Clarke’s hand.

Before she could decide if she should let her hand or no, Clarke comes back. This time, she doesn’t ask, and, slowly, she lays down on the bed next to her, near but giving some space. Is Lexa who breaks the distance and places her head on Clarke’s chest. The sound of her heartbeat is relaxing and, for the first time in the afternoon, she can breathe normally.


	17. Sink down

One second after Clarke knocks the door, Octavia opens as if she was standing right there waiting for her. Seeing her worried expression, it’s probably the case.

Soon, they are on the couch drinking a beer although it’s around noon, but Clarke can’t really complain. The first minutes they only drink in silence, maybe wishing that the alcohol would make this conversation easier.

“So…” Starts Octavia. “How is Lexa?”

It’s hard to describe it without giving too many details, but Clarke isn’t comfortable explaining more, especially since Lexa didn’t want that someone saw her in that state. So, she doesn’t say Lexa spent all the afternoon locked in her room or that she didn’t dinner. Obviously, she doesn’t say anything about her nightmare and how she was awakened for her screams. Instead, she goes directly to this morning.

“She acted normal. Too normal.”

“Like if nothing had happened?”

“Yeah.”

The morning had been confused. After Lexa’s erratic behaviour, Clarke had expected some sort of conversation. Instead, since the moment Lexa woke up, she smiled as always and didn’t say a word about the day before. Clarke accepted it, thinking that she probably wasn’t ready to talk, but now she has several doubts. She’s starting to know her and she’s pretty sure that Lexa won’t say anything. And that mechanism doesn’t seem healthy.

Clarke ends the drink before facing her friend. Lexa wouldn’t like that they talk about her, but she doesn’t know what to do. In fact, Lexa probably wants that they don’t do anything. However, that isn’t an option she likes. 

“O, I’m worried.” That’s all, she admitted her feeling in two words. “And I don’t know how I can help her when she doesn’t want it.”

“Have you tried to talk with her?”

“Kind of, after your party. Now I’m afraid that if I tried it, she would close even more,” she sighs.

“Fuck. I need more beer,” proclaims Octavia after a long pause.

She gets up and goes to the kitchen. She comes back with four bottles and Clarke hopes that they won’t drink them all.

Octavia is almost finishing her second beer when she talks again. “You had figured about Costia, don’t you?”

“More or less. I understand that she was her girlfriend and she died. Recently?”

“Next week it will be a year.” She finishes her drink and opens the next. “Lexa will kill me if I tell you too much, but I can give you some clues, after all, Costia was my friend too.”

It makes sense, however, she’s a bit surprised. “She was a Grounder?”

Octavia nods. “She was a close friend of Lincoln. The four of us even went to some double dates,” she chuckles, smiling for the memory. “I always thought that she was very similar to Wells. Absurdly loyal and nice, even when she was angry.”

“She seemed nice.” Clarke smiles too, imagine her.

“She was. And suddenly… she died.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Probably you remember that last year I told you that Lincoln was devastated because of the death of a friend.”

Clarke nods, remembering the month where she barely saw Lincoln. She had also known that Octavia was sad but never made the connection.

“We had a hard time.” Octavia continues, her voice lower. “However… Lexa just closed herself in her apartment. Besides some comments of Any, I didn’t know anything about her for a week. And then, one day she got out as always. She was a bit sadder than usual, but she seemed fine. After some weeks I believed her. I mean, until yesterday I thought she was fine. Especially since she was more cheerful since you two started living together.”

“Really?”

“Totally. Even with the asshole of Bellamy, she was smiling at you all the time. Probably she didn’t realize it, but I’m not blind. And the way you were kissing on the kitchen…”

Clarke blushes a little. With everything, she had almost forgotten about the kiss. “It was nothing special.”

“Clarke, if I didn’t know the truth, I would believe that you are dating,” she says, smirking.

“We aren’t. Maybe I’m worried about her, but it’s impossible that our relationship works. Our lack of relationship,” she clarified, feeling stupid. Probably so blushed because of the beer. “It’s completely fake.”

With the excuse of doing something, she leans to grab another beer. Talking with Octavia had helped her a bit, however, she’s still unsure of what she could do. Now she understands her better. For example, it makes sense that Lexa wanted to make Aden believe that they were together. The kid must be worried and that could be a good way to prove to him that she’s fine.

“You said that you don’t know how to help her, but I think that you had been helping her all this time.” Octavia smiles at her with a soft expression Clarke isn’t used to. “It’s possible that I’m wrong, but maybe you could just be by her side.”

Had she been helping Lexa? Rather the opposite, it’s Lexa who helped her with Finn, who made her feel better.

Or maybe they were all this time helping each other without realizing it.

**

Drinking her third beer, Lexa asks herself again why she is in a bar. The answer is clear, she’s avoiding Clarke, but as the hours go by and the night comes, she is realizing that it’s a dumb reason.

Lexa sighs, conscient that her attitude is childish. She’s been doing a good job today acting as always, so good that not even Anya suspects. And that’s remarkable since she had spent almost all afternoon with her and Raven. Also, she texted Octavia, reassuring her that she was fine. However, she’s unable to go back to the apartment. How should she face Clarke?

She’s a coward and if she continues this way, she’ll end drunk. That’s a terrible idea, especially when a hangover isn’t the best company at work and it won’t solve anything. Even though, she keeps drinking.

An hour late, maybe less or maybe more, a person sits next to her. Lexa turns, expecting a stranger, so her eyes widen when she recognizes the girl who now is sitting close to her.

“Luna?” Mutters Lexa confused and wondering if she’s dreaming. Considering the amount of alcohol in her body, her voice sounds surprisingly serene.

“Hey, Lexa,” answer the other girl, smiling. “It’s been a while.”

Lexa nods with the best smile she can fake at this moment. When she decided to go to the bar, she did it to be alone. And if she had to choose the company, her ex-girlfriend wouldn’t be an option.

“Yeah, I didn’t know that you were back.”

“I move back last month when I found a job here. And I have to admit I missed this city.” Her smile grows wider. “How are you? I heard that you get in a fight with Ontari.”

She bites her lip. She’s trying to not think about Clarke, but her thoughts go back to her with the mention of Ontari.

“Nah, we solve in a pacific way.”

Luna raises an eyebrow, staring at her steadily. Slowly, she leans down a bit to raise her hand and move a lock of hair behind Lexa’s ear. The touch makes her shiver. She wants to move away, but her head is dizzy and she’s afraid of falling and crash to the ground.

“Lexa, are you okay?”

At some point, Luna’s face has moved and now is only some inches away. If Lexa would lean in, she could kiss her, but Luna isn’t the one she wants to kiss. Thinking about Clarke is what makes her turn her face a little to put some distance between them.

“Yeah.”

Luna, understanding the message, moves her hand away from Lexa’s cheek.

“Really? You don’t sound credible.”

“It’s just…” She trails, conscient that she doesn’t know the answer. “Yesterday I fought with one of my girlfriend’s friends. He doesn’t approve our relationship, so he acted like a jerk.”

Luna opens her eyes, taken back. “Whoa, that sucks. But, what’s his problem? I mean, I can say for the experience that you are sort of the perfect girlfriend.” She winks. “Is she younger than you or something like that?”

“No…” Lexa regrets saying that. Why did she have to mention Clarke? “I… I’m dating Clarke.”

“So?” She raises an eyebrow.

“Clarke Griffin. From Skaikru.”

They stare in silence. Luna looking at her completely stunned. “What!? The fucking Wanheda??”

“Yes.”

“Oh my god, you aren’t joking.”

Lexa leans down to rest her head on her arm. She feels sleepy and she knows that tomorrow she will regret drinking so much. She already regrets it.

“I think I should go back,” she mumbles.

“Yeah, you don’t look so good. Should I call a cab?”

“Nah, I’m five minutes away…”

When she gets up, she almost loses balance. She would have fallen if Luna didn’t grab her.

“You can’t go like this. I’ll go with you.”

“It isn’t necessary… I’ll call her…”

While Lexa realizes that she doesn’t have Clarke’s number, Luna pays their drinks. Soon, they are outside, Lexa leaning too much against her friend. They make their way in silence, especially because she feels so embarrassed and upset with herself to talk.

Once they are on the gate, Lexa opens the door, a bit relieved that at least she’s not completely wasted.

“You don’t need to come with me upstairs.”

“Nonsense. Besides, I’m curious to see Clarke with my own eyes.”

Too tired to complain, Lexa allows Luna’s company. Besides, right now, she hasn’t energy to argue, she just wants to go to bed and forget about everything.

Clarke walks toward them the moment Lexa opens the door and soon, she’s holding her.

“Lexa? Are you alright?”

Lexa hears that Luna is saying something, but she ignores it. She had just remembered that supposedly they are dating, so Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke’s neck and leans in to kiss her. And that’s how she ends the night: kissing the person she is been avoiding. What a great job.

**

After not knowing anything about Lexa since the morning, the girl returned late and drunk. Nothing to worry about.

Refusing the help of the girl who had come with Lexa, Clarke carries the brunette to her room. Lexa lets herself be dragged and be lay down on the bed without any protest. Clarke doesn’t try to change her clothes, only takes off her boots.

Clarke sighs seeing Lexa lying on the bed with her eyes closed. She feels relieved, but also mad and frustrated. And useless. And confused for that kiss. 

Although she only wants to go to bed, Clarke goes back to the hallway, where the girl is waiting. In silence, Clarke led the way and stops in front of the door, far from Lexa to avoid bothering her.

“Thanks for taking her,” says Clarke. She crosses her arms, unconsciously adopting a defensive position.

“You don’t have to thank me; I couldn’t let Lexa there.” The girl smiles and Clarke relax a little. She doesn’t know why, but there’s something of her that calm her down.

“You two are friends?”

“Yes, we are since we were kids and we also dated some months in middle school.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry, I guess this is a bit uncomfortable for you, but you don’t have to worry, we are over.”

Clarke nods, confused. That girl is talking as if Clarke is dating Lexa… And considering that Lexa had kissed her when she arrived, maybe it’s normal arriving at that conclusion.

“It’s okay.” She reassures. They stare in uncomfortable silence. “Thanks again…”

“Ups, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Luna.”

“Clarke.”

“Yeah, I know, you were pretty famous in high school,” she chuckles. “Honestly, I never thought that you two would end up together.”

“Neither I,” she admits cautious.

“Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, but it’s late, I should go now.” She smiles, way less uncomfortable than Clarke. “You’ll take care of her, right?”

“Of course,” she answers right away without hesitating.

Clarke stays some minutes in front of the door after Luna leaves, thinking about their conversation before walking away. She changes her clothes to her pyjamas and then goes to the kitchen. When she returns to Lexa’s room, she comes with a glass of water and an aspirin. Clearly, her roommate will need them tomorrow.

Seeing Lexa sleep makes her hesitate, but finally Clarke decides slid under the sheets anyway. Even if she hopes to be wrong, she’s pretty sure that Lexa will have nightmares again.

Clarke lays on her side facing Lexa, leaving some distance between them, even though they probably end hugging at the end of the night. Somehow, this is the fourth time they share a bed and it doesn’t feel awkward anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter was a bit depressed, sorry. But it will get better! 😄


	18. Too hot

The alarm awakens her, but Lexa doesn’t move. Her memories of last night are blurred, however, the headache is enough to be sure that she got very drunk. She should get up and turn down the alarm and get ready, instead, she buries her face in Clarke’s neck. It’s bad how much she’s getting used to awakening near her. And the worst part is that today she doesn’t have the will to move away.

Her roommate groans and moves a little until she manages to shut down the insistent alarm. Lexa hopes that Clarke would hug her again, but the blonde makes her push away, gently but firmly.

“Lexa, you are too hot.”

“Thanks,” she mutters, her eyes still closed. “You too, by de way.”

“What? That’s not… I mean, yes, but…No! I mean, I think you have a fever.”

Lexa feels Clarke’s hand touching her forehead. Her hand is surprisingly cold and nice.

“Yeah, you have a fever.”

When Lexa stops feeling the hand on her forehead, she opens her eyes. Everything is so bright that she needs blinking to accustomed. Doing so only makes her feel dizzy.

“What time is it?” she babbles.

“The time to drink and take an aspirin.”

Lexa closes her eyes again and snuggles. “I’m fine.”

“If you are fine, I’m the queen of England.”

She hears that Clarke comes back to the bed. Then, Lexa is pulled until she’s in a sitting position leaning into Clarke. Lexa opens her eyes in time to see that her roommate is bringing a glass of water closer.

“You don’t have to…”

“Lexa.”

“Yeah?”

“Shut the fuck up and drink.”

Not wanting to annoy her more, Lexa does what Clarke has asked. She finishes the glass, aspirin include.

She is so comfortable that soon she’s sleepy. However, suddenly she remembers that the girl she’s leaning into is the same that she was trying to avoid the day before. That makes her move away so abruptly that her head protests and ends leaning again.

“I should get up,” she says, more to convince herself than Clarke.

“Lexa, this week you hadn’t slept well, you have hangover and fever. Can someone cover you? I think you really need to take a break.”

Clarke’s voices sound concerned, truly concerned, so Lexa turns to see her face. However, she has forgotten about their position and didn’t expect to find her face so close. For Clarke’s expression, neither she. This could be funny if her head wouldn’t be pounding so much.

“It isn’t necessary, in half an hour I’ll be fine.”

“You will be fine?” She raises an eyebrow. “That’s mean that you aren’t fine now?”

Caught, Lexa pulls herself away. The movement causes lose her weak balance, ending once again laying on the bed.

“Maybe I can’t go today…” Admit it hurt, especially since this is her fault. “I will never drink so much again. I can’t believe I’m not going to work for this.”

“That’s a good promise, but don’t forget about the fever and the lack of sleep, okay? You should try to sleep. Meanwhile, I’ll call the gym. I think I have their number.”

“I can do it.”

“Lexa, as a future doctor, I recommend you some rest. I’ll handle it.”

Although she wants to protest, she doesn’t find the strength to do it, so she ends closing her eyes. When she opens it again, her head doesn’t hurt so much, but she continues feeling dizzy. However, what surprised her the most is that Clarke continues in the bed. She is in a sitting position with a notebook on her lap.

“Oh, you are awake. How do you feel now?”

“Better. Gym?”

“Gustus wished me luck dealing with you and said that he doesn’t want to see you until Monday.”

“I’m not that bad.”

“Lexa, I’d never met someone as stubborn as you while it’s sick.”

She curls next to Clarke. “I’m sorry that you have to be here for me.”

“I don’t have to, I’m here because I want.”

Clarke starts caressing her head. Her hand still cold and Lexa finds herself moving closer, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s waist.

They stay in silence, now Clarke rubbing circles on her back. It feels good, it feels like home.

“This is strange…” Whispers Lexa after a while when she’s more asleep than awake.

“What is strange?”

“Having someone taking care of me.” She sighs against the fabric of Clarke’s pants. “I think my parents stayed with me every time I was sick, and I couldn’t go to school. I’m sure that they loved me and I loved them, but I don’t remember their faces anymore. Titus said I didn’t need photos of the past.”

She falls asleep trying to remember their faces or, at least, the sound of their voices.

**

Clarke spent all morning in Lexa’s room. At first, she decided to use that time to draw, but soon she got distracted. It started when she received a message from Aden asking for Lexa. The last time he was in the apartment, they shared their numbers, however, they didn’t talk yet. So, Clarke answered him, thinking that it would be a short conversation. Now, an hour later, her notebook lays on the floor, completely forgotten.

Besides Aden, Clarke also received messages from Bellamy, Octavia, and, surprisingly, Anya. The boy wanted to apologize again and asked her if it was a good idea to visit Lexa to apologize to her in person. Meanwhile, Octavia was asking her help because soon it will be Lincoln's birthday and she was decided to do a fantastic party. Anya, that didn’t explain how she has her number, gave her some advice to deal with Lexa while she was sick.

Somehow, the morning passed between messages, until it was time to lunch. Clarke, without the energy to fail cooking, decides to order two pizzas. When Lexa finally gets up, she’s completely awake and without signs of fever. They eat in silence, Lexa is less talkative than earlier and avoiding her eyes. Clarke had decided to give her some space, but ten minutes later, she changes her mind.

“Lexa, what are your plans for this afternoon?”

She shrugs, cautious. “I probably go to the gym.”

“Sure? Gustus said that he doesn’t want to see you until Monday.”

“Then, I hope he can forgive me.”

“Okay. When you finish, could you make me a favor?”

That catch her attention and Lexa looks up. “Of course. After everything you had done for me today, I owe you.”

A hint of a smile appears on Clarke’s lips. She imagined that Lexa would answer that. “Perfect, because I need you to accompany me to buy a canvas and some material.”

Lexa frowns. “And why do you need me?”

She could be honest, admitting that she’s doing this for her. Maybe she’s wrong, but she thinks that Lexa needs to be some time outside. Besides, this way she can’t disappear and return completely wasted. Clarke doubts it will happen again. However, she can’t be sure.

“Because I’m an indecisive person,” she says, instead.

Raising an eyebrow, Lexa stares at her, analysing her words. “If you wanted a date, you only needed to ask.” She smirks, teasing even if it doesn’t sound as natural as always.

However, for the effort, Clarke smirks too. “Believe me, you aren’t ready to go on a date with me. Yet.”

**

There are some shops near their apartment, but Clarke decides to go to a shop that it’s an hour away. Arguing that walking is a good exercise, she refuses to take a bus or the subway. For the first twenty minutes she regrets her choice since they remain in silence. Tired of the tension, she finds the courage and breaks the silence as happened during lunch.

“Bellamy texted me this morning.” Lexa’s only reaction is tensing a little, so Clarke continues. “He told me that he’s sorry and he wanted to apologize in person. I’m telling you this because I think he was honest and you deserve to know it.”

“Humm, I’m glad to hear that, but I don’t want to see him. At least, not right now.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to.”

Lexa nods. She’s avoiding her eyes again, so Clarke can’t be sure how she has taken this information. “Talking about apologizes…” She starts after some minutes. “I owe you one. Maybe more.”

“Why?”

“Because you had to stay with me all morning. You probably had plans.”

Clarke grabs her wrist and stops. “Lexa, look at me.” Only when the girl is staring back at her, Clarke continues. “I stayed because I wanted. No one forced me, okay? And I hadn’t any plans, so it wasn’t a big deal.”

Even if she doesn’t want to, Clarke can’t stop thinking about what Lexa said before falling asleep. Nobody had taken care of her when she was sick? Clarke has the feeling that probably no one did it besides Anya. And the girl doesn’t seem to be the most caring person in the world.

“I don’t understand you,” she mutters. She looks vulnerable in a way that Clarke had only seen her after a nightmare. “I’m a mess, yesterday I avoided you all day and returned drunk. Why do you stay with me?”

“Because I like you!”

_Did it sound like a love confession?_

Lexa stares at her, eyes widen for the surprised.

_Fuck._

_Definitely. It sounded like a confession._

“I mean, I used to hate you and at first and I despite the idea of living with you. But then I found that you are way nicer than I thought and, even if you forget, you were there when I needed someone.” She stops to take a deep breath, conscient that she is rambling. “I consider you my friend. And friends support each other.” She has the urge to avoid her eyes, or better, run away to act as if this conversation never happened. However, she stays. Blushed and embarrassed but looking at Lexa’s eyes. “I can’t believe that you make me say this, I hope you are happy.”

Lexa’s expression isn’t a happy one, she’s too shocked. “Clarke… I… I never thought that you... that you were so sappy.”

“Lexa!” She shouts too loudly considering that they are in the middle of the street. “I hate you,” she hisses.

Lexa doesn’t seem to realize or care. A huge smile breaks out on her face.

Without releasing her wrist, Clarke starts walking again, pulling Lexa with her.

“You hate me? I thought you like me.”

“Yeah, but just because your personal dramas had helped me to forget mines.” Now that she mentions it, it’s been a while since the last time she thought about Finn. “And, right now, I’m reconsidering if we are friends.”

“It’s okay if we aren’t friends, I'll still being your better roommate and fake girlfriend.”

“You are also the worst.”

“Touché.”

They keep teasing the rest of the way. Clarke isn’t quite sure why, but their tension has suddenly decreased. She knows that they have some issues that they need to solve and some topics they must work out. However, at least Lexa isn’t avoiding her anymore. And Clarke has been honest. It’s a little step.

“This is it,” proclaims Clarke when they finally arrive. It’s pathetic, but she’s a bit tired. And it’s discouraging that they’ll have to walk one hour again. Perhaps going to the gym isn’t a bad idea after all.

“I thought It would be bigger.”

Clarke isn’t surprised, the shop is small and inconspicuous. If you don’t know it, it’s easy not seen it. “You know, beauty is but skin-deep.”

She’s about to walk to the door when Lexa stops her, this time she’s the one who grabs her wrist. Lexa hesitates, biting her lip, and Clarke discovers that she wishes to bite her lip. In a very platonic way, of course.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I shouldn’t have avoided you. I just needed to figurate some things.”

“Did you figurate them?” She asks, stepping close so Lexa can hear her whispering too.

“Not really but… I hope that I will find out soon.”

Lexa’s thumb is rubbing circles on her wrist and that touch is making her insane. So, forgetting that they still on the street, she raises her hand to caress her cheek.

“Don’t forget that you can count on me, okay? And the next time one of us wants to get drunk, let’s go together.”

“Fine, but I prefer if that doesn’t repeat.” She smiles although her eyes are sad. “Thank you, Clarke.”

The door of the shop is opened, but Clarke ignores it, completely lose on Lexa’s gaze. She doesn’t react until she hears a familiar voice saying her name.

Clarke steps back, trying to put distance between her and Lexa. When she turns to her left, she finds her mother carrying a big bag and staring at them astonished.

“Mum? What are you doing here?”

“Nothing, just buying some stuff.” The woman hides the bag behind. “I’m glad to see you, it’s been a while.”

“Yeah, sorry I’ve been a bit busy,” she says, suddenly feeling a bit guilty. She had talked with her mother, but she hasn’t visited since she moved away.

“It’s okay.” She purses her lips. “I should leave you, sorry for interrupting your date.” With the last word, she looks at Lexa and her lips purses even more.

“What? No!” Remembering Bellamy’s reaction, Clarke moves to be in front of Lexa, as if she could protect her. “We aren’t on a date.”

Abby’s eyes widen. “Honey, you don’t have to lie. I’m not against that you two are… together. I’m not going to judge you.”

This time is Clarke’s turn to be surprised. She can see that her mother is doing a huge effort and, even if she doesn’t sound believable at all, she’s trying.

“Mum, thanks, but seriously, we aren’t together.”

“Clarke, I knew it since Monday. Some of your friends aren’t very subtle.” Abby steps closer and puts her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “And really, it’s okay. I understand that you are afraid, but you can trust me.”

Clarke nods, too confused to argue. How is this even possible? She’s been trying to be honest, but her lie is only growing.

“Hey”, says Abby suddenly. “Why don’t you two come to dinner tonight? Lexa, I would like to know you better.”

To freeze to react, Clarke just turns toward Lexa. The girl has her serene expression back and it’s impossible to know if she’s alright with that proposal.

“Thanks, dr. Griffin,” she says, polite. “But I don’t want to bother.”

“You can call me Abby and no, you aren’t bothering me.”

Everything happens so fast and, before Clarke could find an excuse, she finds herself sitting next to Lexa on Abby’s car riding to her mother’s house.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abby isn't the perfect mum, but she's trying to be good!


	19. Broken families

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer because I didn't want to slip it in two. I hope you like it!!

Abby drives without stop talking with Clarke. Mother and daughter seem to believe that the silence is too uncomfortable, but Lexa has her doubts. Their conversation is tense even if they try to be in a good mood.

In silence, Lexa closes her eyes. Right now, what she wants is being alone to put some order in her thoughts. Her feelings toward Clarke are confused, but at least she knows that there’s no point in trying to push herself away from her roommate. Clarke won’t let her and, honestly, Lexa doesn’t want too. She’s getting used to her, even if her relationship is sometimes too complicated.

“Lexa?” Clarke's voice makes her remember where she is. She has spaced out and doesn’t even realize that Abby and Clarke had stopped talking. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” She turns to her smiling. “I’m just a bit tired.”

Clarke stares at her frowning, not believing her. However, Lexa can’t say her the truth just like before she couldn’t say ‘I like you too’. First, she needs to figurate her feelings. Then, she’ll be honest.

Concerned, Clarke places her hand on Lexa’s forehead. “Well, you don’t seem to have a fever anymore.”

“You two are alright?” asks Anny without looking, her eyes fixed on the road.

The moment Clarke hears the voice of the woman, causes her to move her hand away. The movement is a bit abruptly as if she was caught doing something wrong. “Sure!”

**

Abby’s house is bigger and nicer than Lexa had imagined. She tries not to seem surprised while they walk through a beautiful garden. Once they are inside, Clarke grabs her arm and offers herself to show the building. Before Abby could nod, Lexa is pulled away. Clarke’s tour is practically inexistent, she just tells her where is the kitchen and one bathroom and only because they are in their way to what Lexa supposes is Clarke’s room. As soon as they enter, the girl closes the door.

“Fuck,” she groans.

Lexa looks around the room, curious. It’s big, has a pretty -and probably very expensive- furniture and a window with a garden viewer. It should be a nice room; however, it feels empty. Lexa needs only some seconds to realize that it’s the lack of drawings. And without them, the room looks empty.

“I can’t believe my mother could invite us,” continues Clarke, walking in circles and ignoring Lexa. “And now she thinks that we are dating. One time I tried to be honest and she thought that I was lying. I guess it’s karma.”

Seeing that the blonde doesn’t make any attempt to stop, Lexa moves to be in front of her and places her hands on Clarke’s shoulders.

“Clarke, please, calm down.”

“How do you want me to calm down after what happened with Bellamy??”

“Because this is just dinner, we’ll be here a couple of hours. Besides, your mother is trying to be nice.”

“Yeah, she wants to be a good mother,” she groans, quieter. Suddenly, she has lost the energy she had before. She leans down to rest her cheek on Lexa’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she whispers.

“This isn’t your fault; you didn’t decide coming here.” Lexa lowers her tone too.

“But this would never happen if I was honest with Finn.” She mutters so quietly that, if they weren’t so close, Lexa couldn’t understand her. “Bellamy being an asshole, coming here…”

“Hey.” Gently, Lexa pushes Clarke away to look at her. The blonde is biting her lip and avoiding her gaze. This topic seems to bother her. “I don’t have any problem with Abby. I mean, we will have an awkward dinner, but at least it is free. And besides, you aren’t the only one who takes advantage of our relationship.”

Clarke stares confuse for some seconds. “That remains me… Yesterday, why did you kiss me?”

Conscient of their closeness, Lexa steps back. She hates it, but she feels her cheeks warming.

“I was drunk. And now we should go, your mother must be wondering where we are.”

“That’s your excuse?” Clarke steps toward her, suddenly smiling. The good side is that Clarke has finally calmed down. The bad side is that the cause is Lexa’s embarrassment. “I remember you saying that you will never kiss me again without asking if it was okay.”

“Really? I don’t remember that.”

Lexa edges back until she feels her back pressing the wall. She needs to recover the control, turn the tables. However, this has surprised her too much. Some minutes ago, Clarke was freaking out because they were in her mother’s house. How did they end in this situation? How can Clarke be in such a sweet mood and then act like this?? She can’t understand it and slowly, Clarke is moving closer while she can’t run away.

The blonde, clearly enjoying it, press her body toward Lexa’s. Now their faces are only some inches apart.

“Maybe you are right, but I think that the promise was implicit.”

Okay. Lexa needs to move away, or she will end kissing her. Again. And she will feel guilty. Again.

“You know what I remember? That your mother thinks that you are showing me the house.” Lexa smiles when Clarke’s eyes widen. “We are taking so long that Abby is going to think that you are showing me something else than the house.”

The tables had been turned and Clarke steps back, more blushed than Lexa. “Fuck you.”

“In your mother’s house? Are you sure?”

Clarke opens her mouth, speechless, and Lexa realizes what she had said. She curses herself until the blonde starts laughing.

“Oh my god Lexa, I hate you. You are the worst.”

“You hate me? I believe that we are friends.”

“I can still hate you.” She winks before walking toward the door. “C’mon, we’ll continue later on our apartment...”

Slowly, Lexa takes a breath, calming herself. When she follows Clarke, she manages to not show any emotion.

**

This month, Lexa has surpassed her record of dinners and lunches completely awkward. This, in comparison with the one with Bellamy, is less uncomfortable and only because all of them are doing a huge effort of being polite.

Clarke and Lexa are on one side of the table, Abby and Marcus in front of them, with Vera in the middle. The separation shows that they are on two different sides.

“So, Lexa, what are you studying?” Asks Abby at some point. Her smile is tense; however, she tries to be nice.

“In September I’ll start my second year of criminology.”

“That’s awesome.”

Then, silence.

“I think that Vera grows up some centimeters since the last time I was here,” comments Clarke some minutes later.

“That’s possible, kids grow up so fast,” assures Marcus, softly.

Then, silence again.

“You know, last Monday I found Jasper and Finn at the grocery,” starts Abby when she can’t stand the silence. “We barely talked; they were a bit uncomfortable. Have you been in contact with Finn?”

Lexa’s eyes widen, surprised for Abby’s question. How can she ask something like that after what Finn did to Clarke?

“Not really,” mutters Clarke, avoiding her mother’s gaze.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” The woman apologizes, nervous. “It just that you two started being friends, so I thought that maybe you could return to be friends again.”

“Nah, it’s okay. You are right, maybe one day. Right now it’s too soon.”

“Of course.”

Lexa looks at them, confused about their exchange. Suddenly, under the table, Clarke places her hand on Lexa’s thigh. The brunette keeps her face emotionless, even if she feels heat on her cheeks. She turns her head a little and shares a look with her roommate. In Clarke’s eyes there’s a silence petition to not say anything. Lexa slightly nods to show that she agrees even if she doesn’t understand.

After that moment, the dinner continues as before. More or less. While mother and daughter talk, Lexa focuses on eating and ignore the fact that Clarke hasn’t remover her hand from her thigh.

**

“That was… intense,” mutters Lexa once they are on the street. She can’t summarize it with any other word. Dinner only lasted an hour, but Lexa feels exhausted and, for the look on her roommate’s face, she feels the same.

They start walking in a bit of a hurry, both of them wanting to put some distance with the house.

Clarke sighs, rubbing her hand through her face. “Yeah, it is. Like always.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks after some hesitation. Even if she’s terrible talking about her feelings, Clarke isn’t like her.

The blonde sighs again. She stays quiet the next minutes and, when Lexa is sure that she won’t say anything, Clarke begins talking.

“My mother and I have a… difficult relationship. We screwed some years ago, and now we only try to be good.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. And you don’t have to explain it if you don’t want to...” 

“It’s okay, thanks for asking. If I’m honest… I hate our current situation. “She sights for the third time.” We used to be good, we were a great family… Until my father died. I was fifteen and suddenly I lost my father, but the worst part is that I lost my mother too. She was never at home, always working to fill the emptiness. She let me down and I hated her for that.”

Lexa stares at Clarke. She didn’t expect that her roommate would open up to her and now she doesn’t know what she can do. She wants to show her that she’s here, but interrupting isn’t an option. Finally, Lexa mover her hand near Clarke’s, entwining their fingers. Clarke smiles at her. Her expression is sad, and Lexa needs to control herself to not hugging her.

“At that time, I didn’t think about my mother’s feelings or that she was dealing with her pain too. Two months later, she finally realized that she had let me down and tried to be by my side. And I… didn’t let her. “She shallows, looking away.” I wanted to punish her, so I was cruel, and I did a lot of things that now I regret. However, thanks to Wells I understood her. I needed some months, but we reconciled, even if it wasn’t the same. We hurt each other so bad, so we tried to be the perfect mom and the perfect daughter.”

Still in silence, Lexa frowns. With Clarke’s explanation, she can understand the tension between mother and daughter. What she doesn’t want to think is how many years they had been with that tension.

“Two years passed, and we managed to avoid any fights and, bit by bit, mom smiled again as she used to. I was happy for her until she told me that she had met Marcus. My mother was in love, but she wanted to know if I was fine with that. I wasn’t.” She laughs without any joy. “I couldn’t understand her, I yelled that she was betraying my father, that she was awful. I said some terrible things and then I ran to Wells’ house.”

Without looking at her, Clarke squeezes Lexa’s hand, as if she is afraid that Lexa will run away too. And clearly, she wants it. That part sounds too familiar. However, she keeps walking near Clarke.

“I ragged about my mother for nearly an hour while Wells listened to me. He comforted me after I was calmer. Only then, he asked me about my mother’s feelings. I was only thinking that my father could be hurt, even if he is dead and he probably would like to saw her happy. Even if my mom deserves a chance of being happy again.”

Somehow, they are in front of their apartment. They stop at the gate and, for the first time since Clarke started talking, she searches Lexa’s eyes. The blonde is smiling, gently.

“That day I returned to my home running. I discovered her crying in her room. She apologized and promised me that she would never see Marcus again. Ironically, it was my turn to apologize and encourage her. And you know what? I don’t regret it at all. She has her ups and downs with Marcus, but she’s happy.”

Lexa releases her hand to hug her. Although she should be comforting Clarke, she has the feeling that the one who needs the most that hug is herself.

“Thanks for telling me,” she mutters. For once, she doesn’t mind that her voice sounds broken.

“Thanks for listening.”

**

Clarke rolls over her bed, unable to sleep. For the sixth time, she stands up and turns the lights on. It’s been an hour since they arrived at the apartment and forty minutes since she said ‘good night’ to Lexa. However, Clarke feels completely awake. She could try to convince herself that it’s because the day had had too many emotions, after all, she had dinner with her mother and Lexa. Sadly, she’s too conscient that this is a lie. If she can’t sleep is because of Lexa fucking Woods. 

For the sixth time, Clarke walks toward the door and, like the five times before, she stops in front of it. A part of her wants to open the door and go to Lexa’s room and feel her comfortable warmth near her. However, her rational part knows that it’s a terrible idea. Lately she’s been making some mistakes. Back at her room on Abby’s, what was she thinking when she pushed Lexa against the wall? She was so ready to kiss her. Yeah, some minutes before that she said ‘I like you’. She meant it, but as friends. Admitting that they are friends is a big step. And the last step.

Clarke returns to her bed but stops some meters away. What if Lexa has nightmares tonight? As her roommate, fake girlfriend, and recent friend, shouldn’t be with her? It makes sense and it’s a good argument. It’s for Lexa.

A knock makes her jump. Quickly, she recovers and runs toward the door. She opens it so abruptly that Lexa’s eyes widen. The brunette opens her mouth and for a moment she doesn’t say anything.

“I hope I didn’t wake you up…”

“No, I couldn’t sleep. It’s okay.”

They stare in silence, both slightly nervous. Well, Lexa slightly nervous, Clarke way more obvious.

“I was wondering if…” Starts Lexa.

“Do you want to come inside?” Says Clarke almost at the same time.

Lexa nods. “Only if it’s okay to you…”

“C’mon, I just offered. You aren’t bothering me.”

Clarke turns around and, before she could lose her determination, she returns to her bed and sits down. Lexa hesitates but ends entering. She looks as if she wants to say something, but she moves in silence and lays down on the bed.

Lexa is so nervous that it could be easy to tease her. However, Clarke shakes her head. Last time she teased her they almost kiss. And kissing Lexa while they are on her bed doesn’t sound a good idea.

After turning the light off, Clarke lays down, giving her back to Lexa and trying to put a minimal distance between them. The bed isn’t big enough, but they don’t have to touch.

Somehow, having Lexa here is what Clarke needed and slowly, she starts feeling sleepy. She’s falling asleep when she feels Lexa’s arms wrapping her waist. Before she could react, Lexa’s breast is against her back and their legs brushing.

“Can I tell you something?” Lexa whispers.

Clarke shivers the moment she feels Lexa’s breath on her back. She can’t think properly, not when she has her whispering so fucking close.

Why she’s so nervous? She doesn’t want to think that way, but this sounds like a love confession. Even if it doesn’t make any sense. Right now, she must think about other plausible possibilities. And her heart should calm a little and stop beating so fast.

“Yes? I mean, yes.”

Maybe Lexa wants to… speak about the weather? Yeah, that makes more sense.

“I…” Lexa trails, hugging her tighter. “I’d never talked about this before, at least not in detail… But maybe you are right and talking is good. So… I guess I should start with the beginning... With the death of my parents.”

Clarke’s eyes widen. Her heart stops beating so fast with the realization of Lexa’s words. Clarke tries to move a little to face her roommate, but Lexa has her face buried on her back, so it’s impossible.

Remembering the conversation that they had returning to their apartment, Clarke searches Lexa’s hand. Once she finds it, she places her own over her, hoping that it helps her as much as it had helped her before.

“No one wanted to take care of me.” Lexa Continues after a minute of silence. “In the end, I was adopted by Titus, a known philanthropist that was always adopting foster kids. I remember that a social worker told me I was lucky because Titus was a rich man and had plenty of experience raising kids. But I never felt lucky.”

It shouldn’t be impossible, but Lexa pushes herself even closer. Clarke, sad because she can’t hug her back, squeezes her hand.

“He… He is part of a strange cult and that’s the only thing she ever talked about. ‘Love is weaknesses’ was the first thing he told me. We weren’t allowed to cry or to say that we missed our parents because that was a weakness. Depending on others was weaknesses too. The other kids learned it and I would probably be more like them if it weren’t for Anya.”

“Anya was different?” Asks Clarke, whispering too even if the room is quiet.

“Yeah. I don’t know why she approached me, but she did. She and Aden are the only good thing I had from that place. Even if we don’t have a blood connection, they are the only family I have. And… I love them.”

“And they love you too,” muttered Clarke, remembering Aden’s indignation when Anya called Lexa idiot or the way Anya came to lecture the kid.

“I know. Even if we barely talk about our feelings and we fight because we hide our problems, we still family. We aren’t perfect… It’s normal having some ups and downs.”

Her lasts words hit her. It’s too easy to understand her intention. Clarke feels tears forming in the corner of her eyes with the realization that if Lexa had decided to open up is to help her. Just like Clarke did talking about her relationship with her mother.

Clarke moves again and this time manages to roll over her side and face Lexa. There isn’t enough light on the room to see her face, but when Clarke kisses Lexa’s cheek, it tastes salty for the tears.


	20. Hold together

Opening her eyes and seeing Clarke’s sleeping face is wonderful. Lexa shakes her head, but she can’t erase that feeling. She finds herself caressing Clarke’s cheek and that’s more than she can handle. She gets up, careful to not wake her up.

Once she’s out of Clarke’s room, she starts walking to her own. However, even if it wasn’t planned, she ends in front of Costia's room. She places her hand on the door and stays still, controlling the urge of crying.

What would happen if she opens the door? Her hand reaches the latch, but she doesn’t push. For some reason, she can’t do it. Not yet. But, when will she be ready? What if she’s never ready?

Lexa steps back until her back presses the wall. Letting the door closed is what Titus would like. Don’t talk, don’t feel. But, deep down, she had always known that this is not how it works. She’s only hurting herself more and more, and she’s afraid that she would hurt Clarke too. Why is everything so complicated? Why being so close with Clarke makes her feel so good and so guilty at the same time?

Without caring that it’s 7:00 a.m., Lexa changes her clothes and runs away the apartment. She doesn’t even have breakfast; however, she writes a note to Clarke before leaving. She runs through the almost empty street, at first without direction, but soon she’s going toward Anya’s. When she arrives, she can’t breathe properly and she’s dizzy.

Lexa knocks the door until Anya opens it. Her friend looks at her angry, probably she has woken her up.

“What the fuck do you want?” She shouts before recognizing her. “Lexa?” She asks, now concerned.

“I need…” She doesn’t end the phrase; she doesn’t know what she wants or why she’s even here.

Anya grabs her elbow and pushes inside her apartment. Soon, Lexa is sitting on the couch with Anya on her left.

“Lexa, what happened?”

That’s a very good question. She was fine when she woke up. In fact, she was fine until she went to Costia's room. But… was she truly fine? Talking about her parents and her firsts years with Titus has opened a wound she thought it was healed.

“Lexa?” There’s panic on Anya’s voice that Lexa has never heard before.

“I’m… fine…”

“Everything is okay?” asks a familiar voice.

Lexa stares confused at Raven, wondering why the girl is in the middle of Anya’s living room wearing only a long t-shirt that belongs to Anya. Lexa is still trying to figurate it when raven kneels in front of her and grabs her hands.

“Hey, we are here. Breath.”

The next minutes Lexa tries to return to normality. Slowly, she calms herself down until she can breathe properly. In some moment, Anya disappears and comes back with a glass of water, which Lexa accepts gratefully.

“I’m fine,” she repeats.

Thinking clearly, she doesn’t know why she’s there, so she tries to get up. Anya and Raven stop her at the same time. While Anya grabs her elbow again, Raven stands up to sit down at the other side of Lexa.

“Lexa, what’s going on?” Demands Anya.

It’s been a while since the last time Lexa saw her so worried and knowing it’s her fault makes her feel worst. “Nothing, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come.”

“But you came,” intercedes Raven. “You had a reason to come. Do you want me to leave you two alone?”

“No, it’s okay. It’s just… I think I like Clarke.” Admitting it increases the pain on her chest as if now is more real.

She doesn’t gain the reaction she expected. Raven nods without any surprise. Anya just looks at her confused.

“So… What’s the problem then?”

“Anya, I think I really _like_ her,” she admits. 

Finally, her words hit Anya. Lexa can see the exact moment the girl understands her.

“Lexa, there’s nothing wrong.”

Anya’s tone is so softer that Lexa has the urge of hugging her. Instead, she swallows and clews her fists. 

“I know, just like I know that she would want me to be happy. But I still feel as I’m betraying her.”

That’s all, she can’t be more honest. Well, indeed she can, there are some aspects that she doesn’t want to think about it yet.

“Lexa…” Anya seems clueless, lost as Lexa. “Costia is dead, you aren’t betraying her.”

“I know.” Lexa buries her face in her hands. “I know…”

Anya opens her mouth but closes it without saying any word. Lexa understands her, if she was in her place, she should be as clueless as she is.

“Honestly,” starts Raven surprising Lexa, that has almost forgotten about her. “I barely know you, Lexa. I shouldn’t even be here, but I am, so...” She sighs. “I know what is losing someone close, my father died when I was young. At the beginning, I was devastated, but the worst part arrived some months later, when I started to enjoy thinks again. When I laughed again.”

“What… what did you do?”

Raven shrugs with a sad smile on her face. “I didn’t do anything. The one who helped me was… Finn. He hugged me when I was sad and played with me when I needed it. In my case what helped me the most was having him around. And hey, you are luckier than me, Anya won’t cheat on you.”

It’s silly, but Lexa smiles. “Thank you.”

“Your welcome, even if only said that hugs are veeery important.” Raven, trying to be subtle but failing, manages to kick Anya on her leg.

“Auch,” protest the girl, confused and a bit upset.

“Sorry,” she says. She raises her eyebrow and shakes her head toward Lexa. “Sometimes the lack of hugs causes that my leg kicks some gorgeous girls.”

“Do you want a hug?” She asks, completely oblivious.

Raven rolls her eyes, but Lexa isn’t paying attention to her. Conscient that Anya won’t take the first step, she’s the one who leans down and wraps her arms around her. The hug is so awkward as expected of two people that barely had hugged before. However, even if it starts tense, they end relaxing a bit.

Protected on Anya’s embrace, Lexa realizes that this is exactly what she was looking for.

**

After the hug was broken because of Lexa’s growing stomach, the three of them sit down to have breakfast. They eat in uncomfortable but understandable silence. Now that Lexa feels that she controls her emotions again, the pain has been changed for embarrassment because of her pathetic behavior. However, she isn’t the only one. In front of her, Anya’s eyes don’t meet hers or Raven’s. Surprisingly is Raven the less embarrassed, even if she continues wearing only a t-shirt.

“So…” Lexa starts playing with her cup of coffee. “You two are together?”

The two girls exchange a look, but Anya averts her gaze almost immediately. “We hadn’t talked about it yet.”

“Yeah, last night we were busy doing other things,” points Raven, smirking.

Anya coughs, spitting part of her coffee. Somehow, Lexa finds herself smiling. The pain on her chest is still there, but it isn’t suffocating her any longer. She closes her eyes, barely listen to the teasing between Raven and Anya, and focuses on that feeling. She’s better, she can handle this, just like she would handle next Wednesday.

When she opens her eyes again, the two girls are looking at her, more concerned than Lexa would like. She doesn’t want to worry them, so she keeps her tiny smile.

“About next Wednesday…”

**

Clarke breaths relaxed the moment she finds Lexa’s note. Until that moment, she was fearing that her roommate had disappeared again. However, this time there’s a note explaining that she has gone to Anya’s and she’ll be back to lunch.

While eating her cereals, Clarke tries to avoid analysing her disappointment when she woke up without Lexa. She prefers thinking that she was only worried. Nothing more, it’s impossible that she likes waking up with Lexa by her side.

Lost on her thoughts, she finishes the breakfast and gets up without paying attention to what she’s doing. She can’t stop remembering what Lexa told her last night. It warms her thinking that Lexa shared with her something so personal. Something that helps her to understand better her roommate. But, besides that, she can’t ignore Lexa’s intention.

After cleaning the kitchen and brushed her teeth, Clarke returns to her room and grabs her mobile. When she searches her mother’s number, her hands are slightly shaking. She doubts, conscient that she has no idea of what she should say. It’s discouraging thinking that Lexa knows more about her life and worries than her own mother. And that was Clarke’s decision.

Clarke stares at the screen without blinking several seconds. Her father is dead, but she still has her mother. She still has some family. She presses the green button.

“Clarke?” Abby’s voice sounds confused.

“Hey, mom.”

“Honey? It’s something wrong?”

Clarke sighs. Of course her mother would fear that there’s something wrong. They saw each other yesterday and they talk so little that it’s incredible that they are talking so soon. How could they allow this?

“Honey?” Repeats the woman, worried.

“Sorry, I space out. I’m fine I just… want to talk.”

This time is Abby who doesn’t respond immediately. “It’s everything okay?” She says, after some hesitation.

“Yeah.” She doesn’t doubt, this is her eternal answer. Yes, everything is fine even when it isn’t. “Right now I’m fine, but…”

Why is it so hard being honest? She’s been lying so much that she doesn’t know how she should start.

“Clarke, I’m here to whatever you need. Do you want us to meet somewhere? You can come back to our home.”

Clarke bites her lip. She knows that her mother has a good intention, but Abby’s house isn’t her home and it will never be. However, she isn’t ready for that conversation. She prefers to start with something easier.

“Uh, thanks, but I’m feel more comfortable with the phone. At least now.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She imagines that Lexa is sitting on the bed, smiling, encouraging her. “I just want to talk because lately I wasn’t completely honest.”

“Oh. Uhm, sure. What do you want to tell me?”

She wants to explain her feelings as she used to do when she was younger. She wants to trust her. She wants to recover the bond they once had and she didn’t realize how much she missed it.

“Honey? Do you still here?”

“Yes. I… Now I’m fine, but some weeks ago I wasn’t because of the breakout with Finn. Remember that I said that we fought? Well, there’s something more…”

“More? Did he hit you?!”

“No, he never would do that. He… He cheated on me. Actually, he cheated on another girl, I was her second girlfriend. That’s the reason we fought and I broke with him. And that’s’ why I haven’t really talked with him.”

Okay, it’s done. It wasn’t so difficult.

“Oh my god, I… I’m so sorry that you had to suffer something like that.”

Clarke blinks realizing that her eyes are wet. “Yeah, it sucked… But now I’m fine, Lexa really helped me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but back then I wasn’t ready.”

“I understand… It isn’t easy. I’m really glad that you feel better.”

They keep talking on their longer conversation of the last years. At some point, Clarke starts crying and, for the sobs of her mother, she isn’t the only one.

**

Clarke goes toward the front door the exact moment she hears that Lexa has arrived. Although her hurry, Clarke stops some metres away, suddenly conscient that her aspect must be pitiful considering that she has been crying. However, it’s too late and Lexa steps closer. She doesn’t hesitate before caressing her cheek as if she wanted to check that she isn’t crying anymore.

“Clarke, are you okay?” She asks, soft and worried.

“Yeah.” She leans her face into Lexa’s hand, enjoying the touch. “I had a real talk with my mother and we ended a bit emotional. But it was fine, it’s what we need it.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Her smile reaches her eyes, even if her look is somehow sad.

“And you? How are you?”

“Better.”

Neither miss that she hasn’t said ‘good’ or ‘fine’ and Clarke appreciates the honesty. As usual when she is with Lexa, Clarke doesn’t think too much before moving closer and wrapping her arms around her.

“Welcome… back,” she mutters. A bit embarrassed, Clarke buries her face on Lexa’s neck, realizing that she almost said _welcome home._  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short but we have Lexa admiting her feelings for Clarke, Clarke being honest with her mother and Ranya, so not bad 🤣


	21. Next week...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter is shorter than usual 😅

At the beginning of the summer, Clarke has started drawing some commissions, but she stopped after the breakout with Finn. What was supposed to be a short pause, just a couple of days, it became a three-week break. It has last too long.

So, Sunday morning, Clarke closes the door of her room with the idea of spending the next hours drawing. For the first time since she moved, she turns on her laptop to do some digital art. She’s more used to the traditional art, but to send the commissions it’s easy if the draw is digital.

After writing a post that her commissions are opened again, she starts working with one that she should send in two days. She feels guilty for leaving to the last day, but at least she’ll do it. Yeah, that isn’t a great comfort.

As she planned, she draws for the next hours with a huge smile. The conversation with her mother is still fresh in her mind, just like the relief of having a real talk. It makes her feel optimistic, that maybe one day their bond will be as strong as before.

When her neck starts to complain, she pauses and does some stretching that she learned some years ago. She continues for a while until she stops again. She has almost finished, but she’s spending too many hours straight. Promising that she will continue after lunch, she saves the draft and turns the laptop off.

Clarke grabs her mobile and smiles when she sees some messages. Yesterday afternoon she explained to Wells her progress with her mother, so she expected to find some messages from him. What she didn’t expect is, besides Well’s, it could be a message from Octavia and… Jasper. Frowning, Clarke reads it, wondering why the boy would talk with her after a silence of more than three weeks. Her eyes widen while she reads it and, in the end, she almost throws the mobile across the room.

She gets up, clenching her jaw. She feels fury growing up inside of her, and she wishes to be simply angry with Jasper. But no, she feels betrayed, mad with herself. And there’s even a part of her that feels guilty.

“Fuck you,” she hisses, finally throwing away the mobile to the bed.

She leaves the room, suddenly unable to be there, even if some minutes ago she couldn’t stop smiling. She was in peace, but now… now she feels lost again.

Clarke doesn’t realize that she’s looking for Lexa until she jumps into her room. There’s no sign of the girl there, so Clarke starts a frenetic search around the apartment. She finds her in the living room curled up on the couch, her eyes closed. For a moment, Clarke forgets everything about Jasper and kneels in front of her, cupping her cheeks to see her face.

“Lexa! Are you okay?”

“Menstruation,” she groans quietly.

Clarke sighs, conscient that she was holding her breath all this time. That sounds makes that Lexa opens her eyes.

“Clarke, what happened?” Slowly, she pushes her elbows until she’s sitting. “You don’t look good.”

“I don’t look good?” Clarke raises an eyebrow trying to hide her surprise that Lexa has detected so fast that she isn’t right. “Have you had a look of yourself?”

Lexa leans down and this time she is who cups Clarke’s cheeks. “Clarke,” she repeats, quiet but firm. “Are you alright?”

If one of them leans down a little, they could kiss. It isn’t the place or the moment, they don’t have a reason, but Clarke feels the urge to reduce the distance between them. And… She can’t be thinking that.

“Ehh…” Clarke shakes her head to release herself from Lexa’s intoxicating touch and her inopportune thoughts. “Not really,” she admits.

“There’s something I could do?”

Although she was desperate to find Lexa, now she doubts about telling her everything. Lately she’s been depending so much on her, even if Lexa has her own problems. However, right now she needs to talk with someone and she’s sure that her roommate will help her.

Sighing, Clarke sits down on the couch, next to her but letting some distance so they can’t touch each other.

“No, it’s just… I received a text from Jasper, a friend that it’s also… one of Finn's best friend. He told me that Finn is having a bad time with our breakout. He’s been drinking a lot and doesn’t seem to get better. So, Jasper asked me to meet him and try to cheer him up or something.”

Clarke doesn’t realize that she’s clenching her fists until Lexa leans down to hold her hands, probably to avoid that she hurts herself.

“And what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know! Finn is my friend, or at least we used to be. But he hurt me and I’m not ready to face him. Not yet. I don’t know… I would prefer not knowing anything, but now I know it and I would feel bad if I don’t do anything. And I’m mad with Jasper for telling me this when he didn’t care if I’m fine.” Lexa listens in silence, patient even if Clarke feels that she’s rambling. “What should I do?” She asks, finally.

“I can’t answer that for you. I can only say that... I don’t think you should meet Finn if your reason is that you feel obligated to do it.”

“I don’t understand you…”

She does, but she needs to hear it from her.

Lexa looks uncertain and with problems with finding the right words. “Even if he is your friend, he hurt you; you have all the right to being mad with him.” She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. “What I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to help him. It isn’t your responsibility.”

Clarke nods, feeling that the weigh on her stomach is now lighter. “A part of me wants to help him and be friends again. But… Another part of me thinks that he deserves this.” She admits. “After all, this is his fault. Fuck, I’m terrible,” she groans, embarrassed to admit it.

“Hey.” Lexa squeezes her hands to catch her attention. “You aren’t a bad person, okay? It’s normal if you don’t want to know anything about him or if you want to avoid him.”

“I think I hadn’t forgiven him yet,” she mutters. “But I want to.”

“Maybe you could take some days to think about this, it’s not as if you had to make a choice right now. And if you aren’t ready to face him, you can call him or sending him a message.”

“That could be a good idea.” She’s a bit impress, although Lexa’s idea is pretty obvious. “Wow, I never thought I would ask for your advice.”

“I never thought you would listen to my advice.”

“True.”

“Lexa…”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

**

Seeing that Lexa wasn’t keen to move away, Clarke proposed eating on the couch. That’s how they ended watching a movie while eating pizza.

They started on separate sides of the couch, but once the pizza is gone, the distance begins to disappear. Clarke doesn’t know who leans toward the other first, only that at some point, Lexa’s head rests on her shoulder. Trying to be more comfortable, Clarke moves a bit, wrapping her arm around the brunette’s waist. Now, instead of the shoulder, her head rests on Clarke’s chest. 

Ignoring the movie, Clarke closes her eyes. She’s so comfortable that she has the risk of falling asleep. And the worst part is that she wouldn’t care. Being like this feels right, normal. There’s no way that she is going to move away.

“Clarke?” Asks Lexa suddenly with a tender voice.

The blonde blinks. She looks down but, since Lexa is still in the same position, she can’t see her face. “Hum?”

“Next…” She trails and for the next seconds she doesn’t add anything else. “Saturday night two weeks from now, Octavia is planning to celebrate Lincoln’s birthday. And now that I say it I guess you already known.”

There’s something in her tone that gives the impression that Lincolns’ birthday isn’t what she wants to talk about. However, Clarke decides to not push her.

“Actually, I didn’t. I received a message from Octavia, but I didn’t read it.”

“Oh. Well, it’s a surprise, so we shouldn’t say anything,” she mutters, uncertain.

“That sounds cool. My only problem is that I’m terribly choosing a gift.”

“If I’m honest, I’m also terrible. I always…” she trails again.

Clarke waits for the continuation, but it never comes. Realizing that Lexa is tense, Clarke turns toward her and wraps her free arm around her until she can hug her. The brunette doesn’t complain, in fact, she moves closer, letting Clarke wrap her legs around Lexa’s body. They aren’t in a sitting position anymore, now they are laying down with Lexa atop of her.

This isn’t what Clarke had in mind when she proposed watching a movie, but she won’t protest. Her only concern is that Lexa seems to be struggling with something. And well, also that this doesn’t look really platonic. 

“Lexa, do you want to go with me to buy him a gift?”

“Yes, I would like it,” she whispers. “We could go next week after…”

For the third time Lexa doesn’t end the phrase. Bitting back her curiosity, Clarke starts rubbing circles on her back, relaxing her a little. The next minutes they don’t do anything else, they just stay in silence, the movie is long forgotten.

When Lexa talks again, her voice is slightly trembling. “Next Wednesday is Costia’s anniversary and we… we will go to the cemetery.”

Clarke holds her even tighter, finally understanding the reason Lexa is in this state. “I’m sorry.” She means it, even if she doesn’t think that her words could make Lexa feel better. However, at least she will try.

“Thanks… And… Would you… Do you want to come?”

There’s a vulnerability on Lexa’s voice that makes impossible the simple thought of refusing. Besides, more than asking her if she wants to come, Clarke can sense the real question ‘Could you come with me?’ And, beneath that ‘I need you’.

“Of course.” Clarke leans down to kiss the top of her head. “I’ll be there.”


	22. Meeting Jake

Lexa has lost count of the hours that had passed since she wakes up. Two? Three? Probably less, the room is in darkness as before. However, independently of how tired it's laying unable to sleep, she prefers insomnia than nightmares.

It’s difficult when Clarke is spooning her, but Lexa manages to extend her arm to the bedside table and grab her mobile. She isn’t surprised to see that it’s past five. Sighing, Lexa returns the mobile to the table and moves closer to Clarke, enjoying her embrace.

She likes sleeping next to her, waking up every morning and see her face. But, for how long? They started sharing the bed because of Aden and then because of her nightmares. What will happen once she doesn’t have nightmares? Yesterday she didn’t have any and at this rate, she won’t have today. She can’t be honest with her… Or maybe she can?

Lexa shakes her head. She shouldn’t be thinking about her relationship with Clarke. Not tonight when they plan to go to the cemetery. Not when it’s Costia’s death anniversary.

This is what doesn’t let her sleep. Her thoughts are running on circles around Costia and the fact that today it’s a year since she died. It will be the first time since then that Lexa will go to the cemetery after the burial. She’s uncertain of what will happen. Will it help her to feel it more real? Will it fade away the nightmares? Will it make her feel worst?

Whatever happens, Lexa knows that it will be a point of no return.

**

The drive to the cemetery is tense and uncomfortable. There’s an oppressive silence that no one seems to know how to break or if they should. Probably to escape Anya’s gaze while she drives, Lexa is with Aden on the back seat. The girl has barely said anything this morning, but she’s completely quiet since they left their apartment. Meanwhile, on the front seat, Clarke only wants to arrive.

After twenty minutes of complete silence, Clarke almost jumps out of the car when Anya parks. Unlike her, the rest get out slowly, more as if they don’t want to be there. They walk through the parking until the cemetery’s gate. While Aden and Anya can’t avert their gaze from Lexa, even if they try to be subtle, Clarke is just staring at the cemetery. It’s been half a year since the last time she was there and she doesn’t know if she should feel sad about that or not.

Almost five minutes later, Octavia and Lincoln arrive. She’s holding two bouquets of lilies while her boyfriend carries on his back what it seems a heavy bag.

“Sorry, the traffic,” explains Lincoln once they are closer. His sad smile shows that this isn’t easy for him.

“Don’t worry, we have just arrived too,” replied Anya, without stop looking at Lexa. “Now that we are all together, we should go.”

All the attention is on Lexa, who just nods. Her expression is completely empty. Except for the heavy bags beneath her eyes, she could look fine. Well, fine if you ignore that she seems to be freeze.

All of them stare at her, probably expecting that she will enter first. However, Clarke is sure that press her right now won’t work. So… what can she do?

A bit nervous, Clarke moves to Lexa’s side. “Hey, could you go first?”

Anya opens her mouth to protest but Aden grabs her hand. They exchange a meaningful look. 

“Of course, take your time,” assures the kid.

Clarke smiles at him, grateful that he has understood her. Definitely, he’s the best.

Octavia and Lincoln nod and the three of them start walking toward the gate. After a short hesitation, Anya follows them. Soon, they disappear inside the cemetery, leaving them alone. Only then, Clarke turns to Lexa smiling.

“Lexa, I need to visit someone. Do you want to come with me?”

It takes her some seconds, but Lexa turns to her. Although her façade of indifference, there’s curiosity on her eyes. “Visit?” She asks, speaking for the first time since they left their apartment.

“My father.”

Clarke knows that the girl will accept before she nods. They walk together, side by side, her shoulders slightly brushing. Clarke is tempted to hold Lexa’s hand; however, she doesn’t do it. She prefers letting that choice to the brunette.

Neither of them talks in their way. They pass next to a family before Clarke stops in front of her father’s gravesite. Unlike others, there aren’t any flowers, Jake never liked them. Instead, there’s his broken watch.

As always, Clarke sits down to be more comfortable. Only when she smiles at Lexa, encouraging her, the girl imitates her.

“Hey dad, it’s been a while. Sorry for not coming before, I’ve been a little busy. Yeah, it’s a lame excuse but lately, my life had changed a lot. Finn cheated on me, so I moved with an unexpected good roommate: Lexa. And yes, she’s the same Lexa I hated in high school. Funny, isn’t it?” She chuckles. “Don’t worry, she’s actually nice. And the best fake girlfriend I could ask.”

If she closes her eyes, she could imagine that Jake is there. She can even hear his laugh. And there’s no way he wouldn’t laugh, he would find this hilarious. At least the part that involves Lexa.

“Mom is fine,” she continues. “We… we talked as we used to do. I think you would be proud of us; we are getting better. Even if we miss you,” the last words are barely a whisper, her voice cracked by a sob.

Although Lexa’s presence on her right, Clarke doesn’t mind crying. It always feels normal there.

Without saying a word, Lexa moves closer and places her hand over Clarke’s. The blonde turns to her, grateful, before resting her head on the brunette shoulder.

“When my father died, I came here a lot,” she lowers her voice, sure that Lexa will hear her anyway. “Every time I needed him, I came. At first, I didn’t talk. I just stay there, until one time I heard a teen and his mother talking to a gravesite. I have to admit that at the beginning I felt a bit stupid. However, with time…” She sighs. “With time I found it was really cathartic. And some way, it helps me to feel that a part of him stills here with me.”

“Hum…” Lexa clears her throat. “Hi, Jake, I’m Lexa,” she whispers. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Clarke closes her eyes, smiling. For a moment, the image of her father feels more real than ever.

**

Of all the possibilities, going with Clarke to visit her father’s gravesite wasn’t what she expected. However, it has helped to breathe normally again. Being in front of the gate suffocated her and slowly the word became a bit blurry. Now she feels capable of facing her friends and Costia.

After some minutes talking about how they met and how is living together, Lexa stands up and extends her hand to Clarke, who doesn’t doubt before grabbing it, accepting her help to stand up. They stay in silence, just looking at the other with their fingers entwined.

“Thanks,” mutters Lexa. She has too many reasons to be grateful to her and not only for today. “I needed this.”

“Me too.”

Lexa nods. Now that she thinks about it, she doesn’t know what means to Clarke bring her here. This shouldn’t have been easy for her, although Clarke smiles. She looks calm, even relaxed. And that isn’t something that Lexa can understand.

“Should we go?” Asks Clarke, her tone way softer than usual.

“Probably.”

With their fingers entwined, they start walking, this time being Lexa who leads the way. Even though she was feeling better, knowing that they are getting closer makes her feel nauseous. As if Clarke can read her mind, she squeezes her hand.

“Did you know that once a man almost kicked me out of the cemetery?”

Lexa’s eyes widen. For a moment, she forgets what is waiting for her. “What?”

“What I said,” Clarke chuckles. “It happened some months before my father died. I fought with my mother and came here to calm myself down, but I was too angry. I started complaining about her until I was yelling. As you can imagine, nothing friendly.”

Lost in the story, Lexa smiles before she could even realize. “That’s when the man tried to kick you out?”

“Yeah. He was equally mad, yelling that a cemetery was a place to respect the dead. He was right, but at that moment I wasn’t in a good mood to admit it, so I told him that he wasn’t respecting the dead either. I swear it, he would have punched me if an old woman didn’t stop us. We caused a pathetic show.”

“That must have been…”

“Embarrassed? Yeah. And it isn’t the worst, I have some… memories I would like to forget. My only console is that I’m not so childish anymore.”

Although what Clarke had shared it should be embarrassed, she looks proud. Lexa understands the reason the exact moment they reach Costia’s graveside. Somehow, Clarke had managed to make her feel a bit relaxed.

Anya is the first that see them and immediately narrows her eyes, staring at them with an unreadable expression. Standing beside her, Aden is the next. The kid wipes away his tears, averting his gaze, but not fast enough and Lexa sees the guiltiness in his eyes.

Without saying anything, Lexa, with Clarke by her side, walks toward the graveside until she is next to Octavia and Lincoln. Both are crying, Lincoln’s arm wrapped around his girlfriend back. He barely reacts when he sees that they are getting closer, but Octavia stares at her and lifts her arm as if she wanted to hug her. However, she lets her arm fall to her side.

And here they are, the six of them in front of a sad graveside in silence. And it just feels… so unreal. Lexa was expecting something more, she doesn’t have the sensation that Costia is there. It’s too empty and cold.

“How was she?”

Clarke’s question surprises Lexa although it’s easy to understand what is thinking her roommate.

“Kind, she was the nicest person I ever know,” she whispers but loud enough to be heard. “But she was also reckless and completely stubborn. Sometimes a real pain in the ass.” A laugh escapes from her lips remembering all the times she said those words.

For the way Anya, Lincoln and Aden look at her, neither were expecting that answer. Besides Clarke, Octavia is the only one who smiles. The tears are brimming in her eyes, but she has stopped crying.

“I remember one time I had a fight with Lincoln and I was avoiding him.” Octavia explains whispering too. Gently, she rests her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder. ”I was too coward to face him, but then she came to my house and said that she wouldn’t move until I accepted to talk with him. Honestly, I’m grateful she stood there and encouraged me because it was a stupid fight.”

“Yeah, she always insisted that we should talk more,” mutters Lincoln with a bright smile despite the tears running down his cheeks. “Her solution was always talking, especially with all the misunderstandings we had.”

“She was very pacifist,” mutters Aden, unsure. “Sometimes I wondered why she was your friend in the first place…”

“Hey!” Protests Octavia. “Lincoln hates violence too.”

“Yeah, but Lexa and Anya fought a lot.”

“And we fought more before Lexa met her,” Anya snorts.

Lexa smiles. Slowly, the pain on her chest begins to decrease as they share their memories of Costia. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was getting too long so I decided to slip it in two. I'll post the next part this Thursday or Friday!!


	23. Crying isn’t a weakness

Just like the last time that Octavia talked about Costia, Clarke finds that it’s easy to smile, even if she can’t deny an unpleasant feeling: she would like to meet her. With every story or anecdote, the image she has of Costia becomes clearer. She can only wonder what could have happened if she and Lexa would have tried to bury the hatchet when they were in high school. Maybe with Octavia’s help, they could be friends before.

However, it’s useless thinking about those possibilities. The past is the past. Clarke shakes her head to get rid of those thoughts and focus on the present. Beside her, Lexa looks relaxed. Probably more relaxed than the last week. There’s a small but genuine smile on her lips that grows wider listening to Anya’s.

“She had a terrible taste. I never understood how she could like drinking that… that drink,” complains the girl. Anya was the last to join them, but even she is smiling now. “I don’t know if it could be considered a drink.”

“Talking about her favorite drink…” Octavia exchanges a quick glance with Lincoln, who releases his girlfriend and turns to grab his bag.

“Octavia and I thought it could be a good idea to bring a little,” explains the boy with a shy smile. He opens the bag and takes out a big bottle and some plastic cups.

“You didn’t dare,” mutters Anya. Her expression is a mix of amused and horror.

“Yes, we did,” replies Octavia. “I have her recipe.”

Clarke stares at them curiously while Lincoln fills the glasses. The drink seems beer, but for the reaction of Anya, Clarke doubts it. She accepts a glass from Lincoln. “What is this?”

“Costia’s favorite drink,” Octavia fails in her attempt of looking innocent. Her smirk makes it obvious that she will enjoy Clarke’s reaction. “It’s unique.”

While Clarke starts to regret accepting the glass, Aden seems to be dying to taste it. “You never let me drink. I’m almost thirteen, can I now?”

The kid looks at Anya and Lexa with his best puppy face. He’s so adorable that Clarke would say yes without hesitation. However, the other girls are cold as stones.

“We won’t give you alcohol,” states Anya. “You are way too young.”

“How old were you the first time?” He argues.

“That isn’t a valid point, it’s not the same.”

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t have someone to convince me otherwise.” She shrugs as if what she had said isn’t sad. “Believe me, one day you will thank me.”

He pouts. Or he doesn’t believe her, or he doesn’t care. However, no matter how much he pouts, Anya and Lexa are inflexible.

“Don’t worry kiddo, your time will come,” assures Lexa patting his head affectionately.

“Let’s make a toast!” Proposes Octavia once all of them have a glass and Aden a brick of juice.

Seeing how excited the girl is, they accept, even if it’s far from strange doing a toast in the middle of a cemetery. Well, it isn’t the strangest thing Clarke has ever done, so she can’t judge them.

“For Costia,” whispers Lexa.

Clarke takes a small gulp, but enough to almost make her spill out the drink. She coughs, feeling as if her throat is burning. She needs some seconds to overcome and when she jerks her head, she sees that she isn’t the only one. Anya and Lexa maintain their stoic expression, even if the brunette seems to enjoy it. On the other side, Octavia and Lincoln seem to be as bad as herself.

“What is this?” Clarke manages to stammer wishing to drink anything else.

“The prove that Costia had a terrible taste,” replies Anya, smirking.

“Did she like this? But it’s…”

“Disgusting?” Mutters Lincoln.

Beside him, his girlfriend shakes her head. “I would say hideous.”

“It’s really so bad?” Asks Aden. She doesn’t look so disappointed as before.

Lexa shrugs. Somehow, she finishes her glass maintaining her expression. “Yeah. You know, there are some drinks that you shouldn’t mix.”

A bit upset about seeing Lexa so calm, Clarke takes another gulp. Maybe the second doesn’t taste so bad. She’s completely wrong. “Seriously, besides beer, what are the other drinks? Vodka?”

Octavia nods with a funny grin. “Beer, vodka, whiskey, and tequila.”

“That explains a lot…”

The third gulp is as bad as the others. How did Lexa finish it?

As if she can read her mind, the brunette looks at her playing with her empty plastic glass. “Clarke, you don’t have to force yourself.”

It isn’t Clarke who answers but her pride. “The hell I can,” she says before finishing the drink.

She coughs again, controlling the urge to throw it up. Lexa moves toward Lincoln’s bag. When she comes back, she’s holding a brick of juice like the one Aden is drinking. “This will help you.”

“Wow, that was pretty impressive.” Coming from Anya, that it’s a huge congratulation.

“Yeah, how did you do it?” Asks Octavia. Her plastic glass is still almost full.

“Because she’s competitive,” replies Lexa. She’s slightly smiling as usual, but this time her smile reaches her eyes. And she looks at Clarke with something that can only be defined as tenderness. “And really stubborn.”

“I’m not! Well, maybe a little…” She trails nervous and unable to think properly. She’s conscient that she is completely blushed and no one will believe that it’s caused for the drink.

The sweet moment disappears as fast as it arrived. Suddenly, Lexa is tense, her lips purses and there’s no sight of the tenderness on her eyes. Clarke’s first thought is that she has caused it, but Lexa isn’t staring at her. And when the rest of them follow the direction of her eyes, the tension becomes general. 

Clarke turns around, trying to understand the change in the mood. Behind them, there’s a man that seems to be on his thirty with long brown hair standing uncomfortable as them. He glances Lexa and Lexa glances him back.

For a moment they are all freeze. Anya, clenching her jaw, moves near Lexa. It’s the first time that Clarke witnessed the girl being threatening and it’s… yeah, threatening. It makes you wish that she will never get angry with you.

When the tension can’t be higher, Lexa surprises their friends placing her hand on Anya’s shoulder in a silent petition. Then, without losing visual contact with the man, she nods. He returns the nod, slightly less tense, and walks away.

Clarke waits for an explanation that it never comes, so she decides to ask it later. Now, even if the ambient isn’t as tense as before, it’s still uncomfortable. The time of sharing stories and drinking has finished.

Lexa clears her throat. “I…Can you give me some minutes alone?”

“Of course, what you need,” assures Lincoln, smiling.

Unlike him, Anya doesn’t look so sure. However, she nods. “Sure, we’ll be on the gate, okay?”

“Thanks.”

Clarke stares at her, asking in silence if she wants her to stay. Lexa shakes her head as an answer, so Clarke doesn’t insist. She understands that her roommate needs to be alone. She just squeezes her hand before leaving with the rest.

Once they are almost outside, she turns to Octavia. “Who was that man?”

Her friend bites her lip, avoiding her gaze. “Roan. He was…Nia’s son.”

Neither Roan nor Nia’s name says something to her, so she keeps staring at Octavia.

Is Anya who explains it, her tone cold and harsh. “Nia was the driver who killed Costia. It was an accident, but she drove drunk. She died too.”

“Fuck,” groans Clarke. She doesn’t know anything else to say. “So he was… probably visiting his mother.”

“We don’t have anything against him per se,” mutters Octavia. “He wasn’t involved and he lost someone too, but… It’s a bit violent seeing him.”

“Yeah, I can imagine…”

After fifteen minutes in silence without any sight of Lexa, Anya convinces Lincoln and Octavia to leave. The couple tries to argue, but they can’t change Anya’s mind.

Although Clarke agrees with Anya in the fact that Octavia and Lincoln can’t be there forever, it doesn’t mean that she’s fine being alone with Aden and Anya. Once the couple is gone, the silence between the three of them is almost palpable. The kid sits down on the floor and takes out his mobile. Anya just stays still.

Avoiding Anya’s gaze, Clarke turns toward the kid. “Hey, Aden, how are you?”

He shrugs, trying to act indifferent and failing. “Fine.”

Clarke sits down beside him. “You know, it’s normal feeling sad when you lost someone you love,” she says, quietly.

“I know.” He blinks and lowers his head. His hands are shaking in a way that Clarke fears that his mobile will fall. “I’m fine…”

“You can be fine and be sad at the same time, Aden.” Doubting, Clarke places her hand on his shoulder. “And you can cry too. It isn’t a weakness,” she adds remembering what Lexa told her about Titus.

That’s the straw that broke the camel. From Aden’s mouth escapes a painful sob, unable to hold his tears. Clarke moves closer, pulling him into a very necessary embrace. He buries his face on her shoulder.

“I loved her,” he babbles. “She was part of our… family.”

Clarke hugs him even tighter. “It’s okay.”

Some minutes later, when Aden pulls away rubbing his face, she leans down and kisses his forehead. “Do you feel better?”

He nods, although he looks embarrassed. “I’m sorry…”

“Hey, don’t you ever apologize for crying, okay? Everyone needs it. This morning Octavia and Lincoln were crying, I cry when I’m sad… Even Lexa cries sometimes!”

“Really?” His eyes widen.

Clarke curses herself. She probably shouldn’t have said it, this is something that Lexa should have decided, but now it’s too late. And after all, this is about not being ashamed.

“Once.” She doesn’t explain that it only happened because Lexa had talked about his parents and Titus. Or the fact that she couldn’t see Lexa’s face. “Everyone needs it.”

“Clarke is right, listen to her.” Anya’s voice surprised them. The girl has been so quiet that Clarke has almost forgotten that she was still there.

Aden nods again, this time more confident. “Clarke… Thanks.”

“Yeah,” agrees Anya for the second time. She sits down too with an unreadable expression. Unlike with Lexa, Clarke has no fucking idea of what she is thinking. “If I’m honest, I had my doubts when Lexa said you were coming.”

“You had?”

“Not anymore. Thanks for coming and being beside Lexa.”

There’s something in Anya’s stoic expression that it could be defined as… affection?

**

In front of the gravesite, Lexa struggles with so many emotions. A part of her regrets asking her friends to leave, especially Clarke. However, she thought that it would help her being alone. The reality is that she is completely lost.

“Hey, Costia,” she says, finally. “I m-” She trails, the words dying on her throat. She can’t say those three words.

“I feel stupid,” she groans. “Clarke said this helps her, but…” She sighs. “I’m not sure, I…” She takes a shaky breath. “I think you should have like Clarke, even if I’m sure you two would make a terrible team. She’s stubborn like you.”

Lexa rubs her face. “I don’t know why I’m talking about her, I guess it’s easy… I’m sorry, I… I should have come before. I don’t know why I didn’t come yet… Well, yes, I know. It’s just…” She’s conscient that she’s rambling, but her head is chaos. “I’m sorry, I’m a mess.”

There are a lot of things she needs to say, but she can’t find the words or the strength to say them. “I’ll come back.” That’s the best she can offer.

She’s not sure of how much time she was there, maybe twenty minutes. She hopes less, but maybe more. However, when she reaches the gate, it seems that she was gone for way more than twenty minutes. Octavia and Lincoln are gone, Anya is standing tense and Clarke is sitting on the floor hugging Aden.

Lexa’s first instinct is to hide. It isn’t logical, but that scene looks so personal. In her safe place behind the gate, she waits, wondering when she should show herself.

“Do you feel better?” Asks Clarke to Aden when they pull apart.

“I’m sorry…”

“Hey, don’t you ever apologize for crying, okay? Everyone needs it. This morning Octavia and Lincoln were crying, I cry when I’m sad… Even Lexa cries sometimes!”

_What?_

Lexa opens her mouth, embarrassed but unable to go with them. She stays quiet, fighting the urge of refuting it.

Far from her, the conversation continues. 

“Really?” Asks Aden, hopefully.

“Once. Everyone needs it.”

“Clarke is right, listen to her.” That’s Anya’s voice, but it’s so incredible that it’s difficult to believe that she had said it. Or that she meant it.

“Clarke… Thanks,” mutters the kid.

“Yeah. If I’m honest, I had my doubts when Lexa said you were coming.”

“You had?”

“Not anymore. Thanks for coming and being beside Lexa.”

Too many emotions in one day. Lexa closes her eyes and waits to calm herself down. She needs some minutes to regain control over her emotions, Clarke’s and Anya’s words resonating in her mind.

She walks toward them only when she feels ready to face them.

**

The four of them have lunch together before Anya goes to work, leaving Aden with them. Lexa enjoys his presence, especially seeing him interacting with Clarke. The image of those two watching a movie in their apartment it’s precious. It feels… like home.

Lexa, even if she is with them all the time, barely interact. She stares at them in silence, feeling overcome for all the emotions she isn’t used to dealing with. Even if it’s difficult, she keeps her face emotionless.

The hours passed in a blurry, Lexa not fully conscient of what happens around her. When she realizes that it’s too late, she proposes that Aden sleep there. The kid accepts with a wide smile that contrast with his red eyes and his exhausted face.

He goes early to sleep. Something that Lexa really appreciates, because she doesn’t have to keep on pretending that she isn’t tired. She drags her foot to Clarke’s room and barely collapses on her bed. Luckily, soon the blonde lays down too, this time without complaining that Lexa hasn’t changed her clothes.

When Clarke turns down the light, Lexa allows herself to break her façade. She hugs Clarke, wrapping her arms around her waist and burying her face on her chest. Only then, protected on her arms, Lexa starts crying.


	24. Sometimes you need a breakout

The afternoon before Lincoln’s birthday, Lexa decides that they can’t wait any longer. She’s conscient that Clarke has been giving her a needed space, but they can’t keep delaying going to buy a present.

Determined to not run away, Lexa goes to Clarke’s room. Even if she sleeps there half of the nights, she knocks the door and waits until she hears ‘C’mere’.

“Hey, Lexa,” greets Clarke with a wide smile. “I have just finished.” She points the screen of her laptop.

Curious as always that she has an opportunity of seeing one of Clarke’s draws, Lexa moves toward the girl, placing one hand on the table and the other on Clarke’s shoulder, and leans down to have a better view of the laptop.

“It’s… beautiful,” she mutters, amazed.

“Eh… Uhm… Thanks…”

Lexa turns toward the blonde, surprised by the crimson shade on her cheeks. Only then, Lexa realizes that maybe she has moved too close to Clarke, so she removes her hand and steps back. They shouldn’t be so embarrassed with this type of contact considering that they have been sharing the bed three weeks straight. However, they are.

“So, hmm… did you wanna something?” Asks Clarke after an awkward silence.

“Yes, it’s about Lincoln’s present.”

Clarke stares at her with a horrified expression. “Fuck! The party is tomorrow.”

The brunette nods. “Are you free today? If not, I can go by myself…”

“I can! I’ll save this and I’m ready.”

“Perfect.”

Ten minutes later, they are on the street. Although their hurry, once they are out, they stand still. If they haven’t bought something before knowing about his birthday for almost two weeks, it’s because neither of them has any idea. Well, also because Lexa needed some space to figurate some stuff, but mostly because the first.

“So…” Starts Clarke, unsure. “Where should we go?”

“Shopping center?”

“Why not?”

After a short discussion, they take the bus. Clarke fills the silence talking about different ideas, even if none of them fully convinced them. Lexa lets her roommate lead the conversation, simply enjoying the moment.

When they are almost there and Clarke is biting her lip a bit frustrated, Lexa decides to change the topic to one that she has been avoiding. “Last Wednesday I went to the cemetery.”

Clarke’s eyes widen, surprised, but she recovers very quickly. “Oh! That’s great… right?”

“Yeah, it’s just…” She trails, upset that, once again, she can’t find the courage to say what she wants.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Clarke squeezes her hand. “You don’t have to tell me anything.”

And that’s exactly the problem: Lexa wants and should tell her the truth. However, admitting that she likes Clarke it’s harder than it should be. She can’t ignore the irrational guiltiness, the fear that Clarke doesn’t reciprocate her feelings. The fear of losing her.

“But I want,” she mutters, ashamed of being so weak and pathetic. “I’m having some troubles with... something I want to tell… tell her.”

“Lexa, you have time. There’s no rush.”

“I know. I just hate not being in control,” she groans, averting her gaze to look through the window. On the street, the cars seem to move so fast while she feels freeze in the same place, unable to move on.

Clarke squeezes her hand again as if she could read her mind and knows that she needs some comfort. “Congrats, you are a human being.”

Despite everything, Lexa smiles.

**

They are so clueless that it could seem that neither of them knows Lincoln. It’s frustrating and it has stopped being funny. At first, Clarke enjoyed seeing Lexa so focused on finding the perfect present. It was a good change after a week when she was completely lost in her thoughts. She thought that, although Lexa continued being lost, at least they were on the same page.

She was wrong. They aren’t on the same page. Besides the frustration for not finding a gift they like, there’s something else in Lexa’s attitude. She tries to look normal, but Clarke knows her too well. And something is bothering her.

They enter different shops, Clarke wishing to receive some inspiration that it never come and wishing to understand her roommate. They end sitting on a bank with their hands empties after an infructuous hour.

“Lincoln likes drawing, we could buy a notebook…” Comments Clarke. “Even if it’s what I bought the last two years…”

Lexa sighs, defeated. “Same.”

“Wait, you bought him a notebook last year?”

“Yes,” she replies, indifferent and not so embarrassed as Clarke feels of having so much in common. “What about drawing material?”

“That’s part of Octavia’s present and she will kill us if we copy her.”

For a moment, neither propose another idea. They share a comfortable silence, so comfortable that Clarke hasn’t the courage to break it with a question they have been avoiding. She knows that she should bring out the topic, but she’s unsure of her feelings around… Well, around sleeping with Lexa fucking Woods.

They decided to share a bed because of Lexa’s nightmares, however, she didn’t have one in the last week. So… why they continue? Although they should talk about it, Clarke doesn’t even know what she wants. She won’t admit it out loud, but she kind of likes it; it’s so easy falling sleep with her around. The problem is that if they don’t have a reason, they shouldn’t continue. Right? It isn’t as if they are a real couple.

Clarke shakes her head, upset. This isn’t the right place to have this conversation. Besides, Lexa is still struggling with her girlfriend’s death. There’s no hurry. For now, they should focus on the present.

“Lexa, we are running out of options.” She claps her hands to catches Lexa’s attention. “Except for… the most terrible.”

Curiously, Lexa tilts her head. “The most terrible?”

Smirking, Clarke leans against her roommate to mutter on her ear “clothes.”

Maybe it’s too much, but Clarke really enjoys the way Lexa shivers because of her contact. Sometimes, she is very conscient of the effect she has on Lexa. Sometimes she would like to forget the effect Lexa has on her.

Lexa, instead of pushing her away, doesn’t move an inch. She only lowers her voice. “I’m not sure if we know Lincoln’s size.”

“Easy, I can ask Octavia.”

“Well, then I guess we don’t lose anything trying.”

**

Lexa thought it wouldn’t be so hard, after all, she is familiar with buying Aden’s clothes.

She was completely wrong. 

For some reason, nothing convinced her. She can’t imagine Lincoln with most of the clothes that Clarke proposes. What should be easy, it’s becoming a hell because of her doubts and an unwelcoming feeling. Even though she tries to ignore it, it’s there, growing as the minutes pass.

“Hey, what do you think about this t-shirt?”

Clarke’s voice remembers her that they are in the middle of a shop. Lexa blinks, ignoring her thoughts to focus on her friend. The blonde is in front of her, holding a black and blue t-shirt.

“Hum… Yeah, it’s… nice?”

Obviously, Clarke doesn’t believe her. Instead of teasing her, Clarke furrows her brow, concern. “Lexa, are you alright?”

Lexa forces a smile. “Of course, I just spaced out. I think that a t-shirt is a good idea.”

She hopes that Clarke catches the indirect and won’t insist. It’s easier this way, even if a small part of her waits for Clarke’s stubbornness. Talking with her always helps her.

Clarke hesitates before letting the t-shirt on her place to place her hand on Lexa’s arm. “You know… It’s okay if you aren’t fine.”

That isn’t what Lexa expected. “What?”

“You don’t have to be always fine. You can feel depressed, mad or whatever you feel. We won’t judge you.”

Lexa opens her mouth to protest, but she closes it without saying a word. She can’t argue that or deny what Clarke had said. Not when both know it’s true, although Lexa has never thought about it.

There’s nothing she can say, so Lexa steps closer and leans down her head on Clarke’s shoulder, asking for a hug that the blonde doesn’t doubt to give her. After a life thinking that hugs were useless, lately she’s been enjoying them a lot. In special, Clarke’s hugs.

“It’s stupid,” she mutters against Clarke’s. No one can see her face, so she feels secure, even if they are in the middle of a shop.

“It’s okay.”

Lexa closes her eyes. Even if she can accept Clarke’s embrace in a public place, she fights against the urge to cry. There’s a line she can’t cross yet. “Costia always came with ideas to the presents,” she whispers, wondering when using the past tense will stop hurting her.

“Fuck,” she hisses. Clarke places her hands on Lexa’s shoulders and pushes her away gently but firmly. “Hey, look at me. Lexa...” She insists until the brunette stares back at her. “That isn’t stupid, okay?”

“But it is…”

“No, don’t say that,” she interrupts her before she could argue. “It’s normal that you miss her.”

Lexa’s eyes widen when she hears the three words she isn’t capable of saying out loud. The truth she is trying to ignore. And it hurt because it makes her feelings more real.

“It’s normal,” repeats Clarke, this time softer. “I… I used to buy with dad a gift to my mother on her birthdays and Christmas, but when he passed away… It became difficult. It’s still difficult, even if every year is a bit easier than the last.” She sighs. “What I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to pretend to be fine. At least not in front of me.”

Worried that her voice could crack, Lexa just nods. That seems to be enough to Clarke, cause the girl squeezes her shoulders before releasing her.

“Fine, now we need to take a pause.”

Lexa swallows to ignore the knock-on her throat. “I…” She swallows again. “I don’t understand you.”

“Let’s do a pause, okay? Let’s forget that we are here because of the gift.”

“Why?”

“Because… Never mind, let me show you. Do you trust me?”

Clarke extends her hand, her expression suddenly serious. Probably Lexa shouldn’t trust her, but she doesn’t doubt when she takes her hand. “I do.”

The smiles that break out on Clarke’s face is enough to make Lexa sure that she won’t regret it.

**

At first, Lexa has problems understanding Clarke’s idea. It doesn’t make sense to her. However, she has admitted that she trusts her, so at least she’ll try.

Clarke tugs her around the shop, looking for the worst and most colorful t-shirts. Some of them are funny, but others are simply hideous. After selecting four of them, Clarke goes to the fitting room. Lexa waits outside, unable to control her smile when her friend emerges wearing a yellow t-shirt with too many loops. The next t-shirts are even worse than the first and with the last, Lexa is controlling the urge of laughing.

The blonde, smirking proud of herself, puts back the t-shirts and continues with her hideous search. This time, they stop on a dress section. Soon, Lexa finds herself holding a short blue dress that could be cute if you can ignore the exaggerated number of sequins.

Before Clarke could decide between two dresses, a young woman approach them. She wears a uniform and a polite smile. “Excuse me, can I help you?”

Lexa bites her lip, embarrassed and without any excuse. They have been in the same shop for half an hour, it’s normal that a saleswoman would want to know if everything is right. Lexa looks at Clarke who, unlike her, doesn’t seem to be bothered.

“Nah, we are fine, thanks.”

The woman nods and leaves them, but Lexa can feel that she’s looking at them. “I think we should act as if we are going to buy something.”

“Yeah, probably,” she chuckles, less worried. “Let’s find something cute.”

Lexa puts back the blue dress and follows her friend, who now seems to be more energized. Instead of looking for the worst clothes, she chooses two dresses that even Lexa can consider them cute. Clarke gives her one of them before pulling her inside the fitting room. 

“No way,” protests Lexa weakly once she understands Clarke’s intention.

“C’mon, I’m sure it fits you. Pleaseeee.”

Although Lexa doesn’t have any problems with dresses, she has always preferred seeing a dress on a pretty girl than wearing it herself. However, that doesn’t seem to be a good excuse.

“Okay…” She sights. She can’t argue against Clarke’s bright eyes or her smile.

“Yay!”

That’s how Lexa ends alone in the lifting room holding a black without sleeves. She can’t remember the last time she wore a dress, but there she is. Her only thought is that one time can’t hurt anyone.

When she gets out, Clarke is waiting for her. Lexa blinks, suddenly freeze. The only word to define Clarke right now is stunning and Lexa has to make an effort to stop looking at her body. At least, she isn’t the only one with that problem. Clarke is staring at her with her mouth open and a pink shade on her cheeks.

“You look nice,” mutters Lexa. This isn’t the place to say that more than nice, Clarke looks beautiful. “You have good taste.”

Clarke nods, even if she doesn’t seem to listen to her. “God,” she babbles. “I’ll buy you this dress.”

“What? There’s no need.”

“Have you seen yourself? I need you in that dress.”

Lexa bites her lip, embarrassed. She was trying to not overthinking and, especially, not show how much she likes seeing Clarke with her dress. Unfortunately, her roommate isn’t so subtle.

“Okay,” she agrees. Again. She has lost the count of the number of times she had agreed with her this afternoon. “But only if I buy you a dress too.”

“Deal.” Her smiles grow wider. “At least now the saleswoman won’t kill us.”

**

Clarke knows since the first time she saw Lexa that the brunette is attractive and her type. She didn’t really think about this during her years of high school, she was too busy hating her. Living in the same apartment and stop seeing her as an enemy and more as a friend didn’t change anything, Finn was too recent. Thought, what did change was kissing her in Octavia’s party and then started a fake relationship. And kiss her again, sleeping with her every night, comforted her and be comforted by her. Now she is fucking attracted.

Some minutes after changing back to their clothes, Clarke stills thinking about Lexa with that dress and how hot she was. She didn’t think that it was bad when she proposed to buy the dress basically because she wasn’t thinking at all. Now she is regretting her choice, especially if buying the dress means that Lexa will use it again.

She can’t ruin her current relationship, no when Lexa needs her. The brunette is opening up, showing her vulnerable side. She can’t risk losing their friendship. Also, she doesn’t want their situation gets complicated, causing her to need another apartment. However, the most important part is that she can’t let Lexa alone. Her relationship is fine like this.

She can’t wish to have a real relationship with Lexa when she isn’t in love with her. And she isn’t. Not a little bit.

Smiling, Clarke ignores the possibility of kissing Lexa and they continue walking around the shop. Clarke, who has decided to be strong and not think anything strange about her roommate, fails some minutes later when Lexa grabs a t-shirt. It’s black with an adorable cartoonish picture of a raccoon. If the picture is adorable, Lexa’s expression is even more.

“It’s cute,” mutters Lexa. It’s obvious that she is doing an effort to look indifferent, but her eyes are shinning. “And cheap.”

“You are right,” she confirms, smirking.

Although Lexa seems to have fallen in love with the t-shirt, the girl sights and pulls it back. Once again, Clarke doesn’t think and grabs the t-shirt, hiding it inside her dress while Lexa turns around. At that moment, the brunette leans down to take a shirt that was partially hidden behind some t-shirts. Clarke leans down her head on Lexa’s shoulder to see better.

“It isn’t too big for you?”

“Obviously.” She rolls her eyes, lightly smiling. “But I think Lincoln would like it. What do you think?”

Clarke raises an eyebrow. She had almost forgotten about Lincoln. Okay, she had completely forgotten about Lincoln. “Oh, it suits him. Nice job!”

Lexa simply smiles at her. Although it’s beautiful, her smile doesn’t last a single minute. It dissolves into a disapproval expression once they go to the cash desk and sees the raccoon t-shirt. “Clarke!” She protests, even though she looks more pleased than mad.

“What?” She asks, innocently. “It’s cute and cheap.”

Once they are (finally) outside the shop, Clarke extends the t-shirt to Lexa. The brunette doesn’t take it immediately. “I can’t accept it; you have already done too much for me today.”

“Well, then, let’s make a deal. We return next week and you buy me something. Okay?”

Lexa’s sights and accepts it. Unlike other occasions, her smile is too soft to be fake. “Okay. And… thanks for this. You were right, it worked. I… I really need it.”

Clarke smiles back, lost in the tender look of Lexa.

_Shit._

_She’s fucked._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although they didn't realized, that was a date 🤣  
> (Btw, 50k words!!!)


	25. It’s not your fault

Although they arrive at the pub fifteen minutes before they had planned, almost all of Lincoln’s friends are there. Octavia had invited more people than Lexa expected and remembering Lincoln’s last birthday, she could totally understand it. After Costia’s death, he didn’t have the mood to have a great party, however, this year is different. And Lexa only wants that it will be as perfect as Lincoln deserves.

With Clarke by her side, they walk to the closest side of one of the four tables someone had put together where Lexa can recognize some friends from Lincoln’s career as Nyko or, surprisingly, Luna. Although last time they saw each other Lexa was drunk, Luna doesn’t reproach it, only asks her if she’s fine.

“Yeah, thanks for… you know, helping me.”

Luna nods, understanding her. Instead of insisting, she turns smiling toward Clarke. “Hey, nice to see you again, Clarke.”

The blonde smiles too and soon they are chatting as if they were old friends. Seeing that the two girls are having a good time, Lexa leaves them when Anya and Raven arrive.

“I didn’t think Octavia would call so many people,” says Anya, surprised, while she puts her bag on a chair.

Unlike Anya who is an unaffectionate person, Raven pulls Lexa into a hug. “Can I record it?” She asks.

“That seems a good idea. And yes, I didn’t think either that Octavia would convince so many people. Lincoln is going to freak out, especially when he’s only expecting us to be here.”

It would be suspicious if Octavia wouldn’t have any party, so the girl decided to only invite officially Lexa and Anya. The rest were the real surprise.

Anya turns toward Raven with an unusual smile on her face. “What I don’t understand is why have you asked, you are going to do it anyway.”

The other girl shrugs, playfully smiling. “Oh, just to know if I should tell you later.”

Lexa coughs awkwardly to remind them that she’s still there. If it weren’t impossible, she would swear that Anya is lightly blushed. “So… You two are together or…?”

Anya and Raven exchange a look. Is the blonde who answer without her usual confidence. “More or less.”

Lexa frowns confused but not surprised. Anya never had a serious relationship that lasted her more than a week, so it’s unexpected that she has been so long with Raven. Even if they don’t seem to know exactly where their relationship is. “More or less?”

Anya narrows her eyes with a clear message: ‘I’m not going to talk about this.’ “What about you and Clarke?” Her tone is cold when she changes the subject. “Are you still going slow or you have admitted your feelings for her?”

This time is Lexa’s turn to avert their gaze and be uncomfortable, which is a clear answer. She’s conscient that she should, but she can’t find the perfect moment or courage. “Not yet?”

Raven raises an eyebrow. “Why not? I mean, it’s pretty obvious that you two are in love.”

In love? No one has talked about love.

“What?” She manages to say. “We aren’t… I mean…” She stops before she continues rambling. She can’t act like this; she needs to calm herself again. “Both of us have our issues, so yes, we still taking it slow. And we have no hurry.”

Luckily, the couple seems to accept her reply. Lexa can’t explain more without admitting that it’s not that they are taking their relationship slow; no, they aren’t a real couple. Even if sometimes Lexa forgets about it. And that’s a problem that she knows she has to deal with.

Before they could continue with their uncomfortable conversation, Nyko announce that Octavia and Lincoln are coming now. Everyone stops talking and gets ready so, when the couple enters the pub, they start singing ‘happy birthday’. Luckily, it is quite soon and the pub is almost empty so they don’t bother a lot of customers.

During the minute that lasts the song, Lincoln stares at them, mouth open and his eyes widen. Then, he goes to hug all his friends while he cries and smiles. As she had promised, Raven records all the exchange. Once she finishes, she offers her two thumbs up to Octavia, who winks at her as a reply.

Smiling, Lexa sits down between Clarke and Anya without losing sight of Lincoln, who is the last to take his place on the table. He does it wiping away his tears with his t-shirt sleeve. Near him, Octavia seems radiant. She isn’t the only one, all his friends are smiling, even Anya. This has started so well that Lexa only wishes that nothing goes wrong. 

**

Everything was incredibly fine until Finn arrived.

Three hours had passed since Lincolns and Octavia’s arrival. Since that moment, they had had dinner, they gave their gifts to Lincoln and some of them drank too much. Clarke found herself enjoying the birthday more than she expected. It was easy, the combination of Octavia and Raven was priceless, she had a chance to chatted with Luna and, especially, to spent time with Lexa.

All the joy seems to vanish away when Finn enters the pub. He does it with the help of Jasper and Monty because the boy is so drunk that he can’t even walk alone. Clarke’s first reaction is closing her eyes, wishing that when she opens it again, they won’t be there. However, this isn’t a nightmare and the three of them go to a table.

Jasper is the first who recognizes her, Monty is too busy trying to stop Finn on the bar counter. Her old friend stares at her with the same look he had when they were in trouble back in high school and they expected her to solve the problem. Even if he doesn’t say anything, Clarke can hear him asking her help.

Clarke remains freeze, holding her breath, wishing to walk away but unable to move. She’s in the same position when Finn, who now grabs a beer, sees her. The pain in his eyes is heartbreaking, more than she can handle. His ex-boyfriend has a bad aspect, he has lost weight and his paler than usual. Like Jasper, he doesn’t say anything, but his eyes spoke for him.

_Give me another chance, Clarke._

_I love you._

_I never wanted to hurt you._

_Please, come back._

She needs to do something. She must do something.

“Clarke, are you alright? You look paled.” Clarke hears Raven’s voice as if the girl is far from her.

Raven’s voice.

_Fuck._

Clarke turns toward her, ready to move her, but it’s too late. Raven’s face has gone white as a sheet. If the situation couldn’t be more awkward, Anya and Lexa walk toward them, clearly realizing that there’s something wrong.

“Raven? What's happening?”

The girl doesn’t react until Finn makes an attempt to stand up. For Clarke's surprise, Raven grabs her arm and pulls her away, walking in the opposite direction toward an empty space near the bathrooms.

“Fuck!” Groans Raven. Now that she is recovered, her eyes shine with fury. “Of all the places, why is he here?!”

Anya, who had followed them, places her hand on Raven’s back. “Is that… Finn?”

“Yeah.”

Ignoring the exchange between the two girls, Clarke looks behind Anya, waiting for Lexa. However, the brunette isn’t there. She is some meters away saying something to Octavia, who suddenly stops smiling. Only when Octavia nods, Lexa approaches them.

“Lexa…” mutters Clarke once her roommate is in front of her. She wants to step closer and hug her, feeling her arms around her body. However, knowing that Finn is near, it doesn’t feel right. “What were you talking with Octavia?”

Although she hasn’t moved, Lexa seems to know what she really needs and takes her hand, gently. “I told her that Finn is here.”

“Why?”

“Because neither you nor Raven should have to deal with him if you don’t want,” she explains, softly.

Clarke had almost forgotten that Anya and Raven are with them, listening to their conversation, so she wasn’t expecting that Raven would give Lexa a little hug. For Lexa’s expression, neither she. Without releasing Clarke’s hand, the brunette reciprocates the hug awkwardly.

“Thanks, Lex,” mutters Raven.

For a brief moment, Clarke forgets her drama with Finn. Since when Raven and Lexa are so close? When Raven pulls herself away, she takes Anya’s hand, entwining their fingers. Since when Anya and Raven are so close??

“Fuck!” Raven crosses her arms. At that moment, Clarke envies her resolution. “I don’t want to know anything about fucking Finn and his fucking puppy sad face.”

Anya raises an eyebrow. “Shots?”

She nods. “Shots.”

“You two want too?” Asks Anya. Although her question is for the two of them, her eyes are fixed on Clarke. She just shakes her head, not trusting her voice yet.

“We’ll be fine,” assures Lexa. Clarke can’t help to think that she had agreed because she understands that right now, she wants to be alone. Well, alone with Lexa. 

“Okay.” Anya’s eyes are still fixed on Clarke. “We’ll be near if you need anything.”

While they leave, Clarke wonders if ‘need something’ include punching Finn. That would be fine. It’s an innocent thought, but it’s like someone had punched her in the stomach. Without being conscient, she squeezes harder Lexa’s hand.

“Hey, Clarke.” Lexa’s voice is softer than Clarke deserved.

She doesn’t deserve Lexa.

Clarke releases her hand as if it’s burning. She’s about to run away, but Lexa is faster and takes her hand back.

“Clarke,” she says, now more worried.

The tears Clarke didn’t know she was holding, fall down. Lexa caresses her cheek with her free hand, careful but tenderness. Her touch comforts her and makes her feel guiltiest at the same time.

“Clarke,” she repeats. “Please, tell me something.”

Like the tears, she can’t keep holding her words. “He’s hurt, Lexa. I knew it, but I didn’t even call him as Jasper asked me. It’s been a month and he’s still hurt… What if I should have given him a chance? I shouldn’t have left him alone…” She trails, sobbing so hard that she can’t talk properly.

Lexa listens in silence without moving her hand from her cheek or releasing her hand. She waits until Clarke doesn’t add anything else.

“Clarke, I want you to listen to me, okay?” Her tone continues been tender, but there’s a seriousness that it wasn’t there before. For years Clarke had thought that Lexa was cold and emotionless, however, now she’s proving again that she was completely wrong. There’s too much emotion on her eyes, touch, expression, and voice. “He cheated on you and Raven. He lied for months and broke hers and your heart. You two are the victims here, not him.”

Clarke nods. She knows that it’s logical. However, her feelings keep betraying her. “He is hurt.”

“And you weren’t?” She asks, raising a little her voice. “It’s normal that you are worried about him because you are a good person, but this isn’t your fault. Even if you are better now, how much would have hurt you being with him after your breakout? This isn’t only about how does he feel, you matter too, Clarke.”

“I feel guilty,” she admits. Although it’s barely a whisper and the music of the pub is loud, they are so close and Lexa is listening so attentively that she hears her.

“I know and it’s okay. Just… don’t do something that you’ll regret.”

Her last words hit her more than anything else Lexa had said. It is like she had read her mind and knows that Clarke was seriously thinking about giving Finn another chance. Even if their relationship is too damaged to return. Even if she would only do it because she pities him.

Being aware that Lexa knows her so well scares her and makes her incredibly happy at the same time.

Not remembering her reasons, she’s unable to continue so far from Lexa. Finally, she wraps her arms around her neck and places her head on her shoulder. The brunette returns the hug without hesitating, pulling Clarke even closer.

Clarke closes her eyes, allowing herself to feel safe for some minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Finn is back 🙃


	26. Defenseless

Lexa’s embrace gave her some minutes to recompose herself, enough to stop crying and feel that she has control of her emotions back. Although Clarke would like to be on Lexa’s arms all night, when she is calmer, she pulls her away. They are in the pub to celebrate Lincoln’s birthday; they can’t stay in that corner because her ex had decided to come there too.

“I’m better now,” she says smiling as proof of her words. “Let’s go back, okay?”

Her roommate stares at her some seconds as if she wants to be sure that she’s honest. “Are you sure?”

“Yep.”

Not entirely convinced but accepting her decision, Lexa nods.

While they try to find their friends, Clarke takes Lexa’s hand, not ready to be on her own. Some minutes ago she had a breakdown in front of her, however, she doesn’t feel embarrassed. That’s kind of… strange. If it happened with another person, she probably would be embarrassed and she would like to run away or pretend it never occurred. Maybe it’s because Lexa had been with her during some of her most recent worst moments, but she feels comfortable having her on her side.

The first person they find is Octavia. Actually, she’s who finds them and jumps toward Clarke with a worried expression. “Clarke!! Are you okay?”

“Yeah, or I’ll be if you let me… breath,” she says weakly. More than hugging, Octavia seems to be trying to strangle her.

“Ugh, sorry.”

Luckily, Octavia releases her. Sometimes the girl forgets that she’s really strong, especially when she’s nervous.

“Don’t worry, it’s okay.” She bites her lip, hesitating before asking the question she’s afraid. “Uhm… Finn?”

“Sorry,” she repeats. “He’s free to stay here, so I couldn’t ask him to leave. However, I did ask him to behave well.”

Clarke has her doubts that it will happen, but she nods. “Thanks for trying.”

“Hey, if he causes some problems, I kick him out.” Although she’s smiling, she’s also serious and Clarke knows that she really meant it. “Now try to forget him and have some fun, okay?” 

“Sure.”

For a moment, Clarke thinks that she’ll be fine. She has her friends there and Lincoln deserves a good party. However, the moment her eyes catch Finn’s face again, she loses her optimism. Avoiding his gaze, she releases Lexa’s hand, who is whispering something to Octavia.

Clarke goes to the bar counter feeling Finn’s eyes on her. Some meters away, Raven and Anya are talking with Lincoln and Nyko. Instead of approaching them, she turns to the bartender.

“One, no, two… No, better three. Three shots of… whatever. I don’t know, something strong.”

The bartender looks at her with pity. “Rough night?”

“Obviously.”

He doesn’t ask her anything else and prepares the drinks. Before she could regret her choice, the bartender puts in front of her three shots. She pays and takes the first one. She coughs a little, surprised that it’s, indeed, strong. However, she doesn’t doubt when she takes the second. It has an almost immediate effect and she’s already a bit dizzy. She grabs the third glass, but suddenly there’s a hand between her and the drink. She turns, curious and upset, to find Lexa’s worried face too close form her.

“What?” Asks Clarke a bit harsh. She isn’t in the mood to listen to Lexa reproaching her. Even if she deserved it.

“You know, I remember that we agreed that next time we’ll get drunk together,” she says, calm.

Clarke opens her eyes, taken back. Of every possibility, she didn’t expect her comprehension. Lexa, taking advantage of her surprise, manages to take from her the glass and drinks it. She makes a funny grin. “Whoa, that was disgusting.”

Finally, Clarke reacts. “You can’t steal my drink and complain about it!” She protests. Although she wanted to sound upset, she can’t control her smile. Lexa’s expression is priceless.

“Actually, I can,” she smirks. “Now, do you want to go with the others?”

Surprising herself, Clarke nods.

**

For the next minutes, Lexa manages to surround Clarke with their friends. Her main intention is given the opportunity to have a good time besides everything. Her other reason is the hope that Finn won’t approach her is she’s with people. It seems to work. Although Finn and one of his friends don’t stop staring at her and Raven, at least they remain on their seats.

Although her plan is working, Lexa isn’t satisfied. Yes, Clarke is entertained, but she isn’t enjoying the party as before. That is what pushes her to do something she never thought she would do.

Lexa offers her hand to Clarke, who accepts it with a confused smile. “May I have a dance with you?”

The blonde looks at her astonished. Her expression becomes brighter the moment she realizes that Lexa isn’t joking. “I didn’t think you would like dancing.”

“Actually, I’d never dance before,” she admits while Clarke places her hand on her waist. She didn’t expect to be so close and that’s only making her blushing harder. She would regret it if Clarke’s smile isn’t so genuine.

“Lucky you, I have plenty of experience.”

Lexa allows Clarke to lead, it isn’t as if she knows what they are doing. Just when she feels a bit relaxed, they almost jump against another couple. Lexa can’t hide her surprise when she sees that Anya is dancing with Raven. The two girls exchange a look with a clear message: ‘not a single word.’

Unfortunately, Octavia and Lincoln are near them and the girl isn’t especially discreet. “Oh. My. God. Lexa and Anya dancing? What kind of miracle is this?”

Embarrassed, Lexa hides her face on Clarke’s neck while the blonde and Raven laughs.

“Fuck, they won’t let me forget this,” groans Lexa.

“Don’t worry, babe, they are just jealous.”

Blushed for the pet name, Lexa buries her face even more. "Whatever,” she mutters, weakly.

Laughing, Clarke moves to her right, dragging Lexa with her. “Hey,” she whispers when they stop. “We are alone.”

Although she’s still embarrassed, Lexa raises her head. At doing it, she brushes her nose with Clarke’s, but she doesn’t move away. She just closes her eyes when she feels Clarke’s lips against her. Lexa kisses her back, softly, and it feels… right.

When they stop, they are heavily breathing. Although Lexa’s first urge is to move away, she makes an effort and holds Clarke’s eyes. This time she doesn’t feel guilty and she doesn’t want to act as if she has done something wrong.

Clarke presses their foreheads together. “Thanks.”

“For kissing you?” She jokes, even though internally she’s starting to have doubts. Unlike the other kisses, they haven’t a reason to kiss this time… or that was what she thought. Maybe Clarke did have a motive, maybe…

“If my memory doesn’t fail me, it was me who kissed you, so no, I won’t thank you for that,” she smiles. “No, thanks for this, for being with me… Just… thanks.”

Lexa opens her mouth, doubting between kiss her again or telling that she likes her. It seems a good moment to fight against her fears of possible rejection or running their relationship, or… She shakes her head to get rid of those pointless thoughts.

Taking a deep breath, she steps back holding Clarke’s hands.

“Clarke, there’s something I want to tell you. I… I really li-” She trails when she does the mistake of looking behind her roommate.

She hasn’t realized that they were so close to Finn’s table and the boy has seen them. Finn stands up with his two friends on each side. One of them seems to try to push him toward the door to leave, but Finn and the other boy have a different plan.

Lexa wants to run away and take Clarke with her far from her ex-boyfriend, who looks angry at them. However, the blonde has seen them too and she seems to be freeze.

Although Lexa was sure that Finn would say something to Clarke, the boy turns toward her. “Honestly, I pity you…” she talks slowly, dragging the words, but she can hear him too well. “You must know that Clarke is using you, right? You are just a… distraction to get over me.”

It shouldn’t, but his words hit her like a ton of bricks. Beside her, Clarke has gone pale, probably because she has arrived at the same conclusion. After all, in some way, Finn is right. Their relationship is fake, it started to avoid him. They are using each other.

Finn must see that he had the effect he wanted because he continues, his eyes shining with pain and hate. “She’ll leave you without looking back when she’s done as she did with me.”

Lexa opens her mouth to defend her, say that he’s wrong and Clarke would never do that. However, the words died before she can pronounce them. There’s a small doubt, a little fear she’s been holding since she realized her feelings for her. She cannot know if Clarke feels the same as her… if they can work despite their problems.

“Clarke doesn’t love you…”

“Hey, asshole, have you finish?” Shouts Anya behind them.

The girl walks toward them until she’s in front of Lexa and Clarke, facing Finn. Seeing Anya’s back is like going back when they were little and she protected her.

“This isn’t your business,” shouts back one of Finn friends.

“Neither us,” protest the other. “Please, let’s go.”

“You should listen to them,” points Anya. She is calm, but Lexa knows her too well to know that she’s furious. “And this is my business since your friend is being an asshole with my sister and my friend.”

“You don’t know anything…” Says Finn, shaking his head and leaning into his friend a little when she steps closer.

“You are the one who doesn’t know anything. I guess you were too busy lying to your two girlfriends to actually know them. It’s the only explanation I have because you don’t have a fucking idea of how Clarke is.”

That lets him speechless for some seconds until he loses it. “Shut up!” He shouts taking another step and trying to punch Anya. He’s too drunk and almost falls to the ground, however, he had shout loud enough to catch the attention of their friends.

“Finn!” Yells Octavia while she runs toward him. “What the fuck are you doing?!”

Behind her, Lincoln crosses his arms without his usual soft smile. “You should leave now.”

Finn’s friends help him to stand up, but the boy barely pays attention to them. His eyes are now fixed on Raven, who is coming toward them with a furious expression.

“I can’t believe it…” She starts, too angry that she seems to have problems to find the words. “How can you be so pathetic?! You cheated on us and lied for years! Don’t you think you had hurt us enough?!”

“I’d never…”

“What?! Break my heart? Because you did.”

More than anything, this finally affect him. He looks at her with tears on his eyes. “Rae…”

“Don’t,” she mutters. She doesn’t sound angry anymore, just devastated.

In that moment of silence, when everything is calming down, is when Bellamy makes his appearance. Even if Lexa knew he was going to come after talking with Octavia, she stares at him, surprised. The boy comes with a girl that Lexa presumes is her girlfriend, both approach them.

“Finn,” says Bellamy. Unlike the time he was in her apartment, he doesn’t look angry and secure. “This is enough.”

He doesn’t fight him, he just nods, crying in silence. Bellamy’s girlfriend sighs, probably relieved that this is going to be easy. Considering that when Octavia called his brother they were worried that Finn would start a fight or something, it’s normal.

Finn allows that his four friends pull him toward the exit. However, before they walk away, Bellamy turns, his eyes searching Lexa’s. “I’m sorry,” he whispers loud enough to be heard for all the presents.

Lexa nods, accepting in silence his apology. She doubts that they will ever be friends, but maybe someday they can tolerate each other. And an honest apology it’s a good start.

**

Even if Finn is gone, Lexa has lost the will to continue in the party and seeing Clarke and Raven’s expression, she isn’t the only one. Anya excuses the four of them and, after promising to Octavia that they will call her tomorrow, they leave.

While Anya goes to her car, Raven and Clarke sit down on the floor to wait for her. Unable to be with her roommate, Lexa decides to go with Anya.

“Thanks for defending Clarke,” mutters Lexa once they are far from them.

“You don’t have to thank me, I meant what I said.” Anya’s tone is softer than usual. They walk in silence for some minutes before she continues. “I heard a part of what he said. Don’t overthink it, he only tried to hurt you two.”

Lexa nods, averting her gaze. She knows that she’s right, but also that she doesn’t know all the story. She thinks they are actually dating even when they were using each other. 

However, that isn’t the only thing that right now causes her waves of nausea.

“I didn’t defend her…” She whispers. “I stayed there like a coward and I did nothing.”

She did nothing when Clarke needed her the most.

Anya stops and grabs her elbow. Lexa allows it but keeps avoiding her eyes. “Lexa, he said what he said to hurt you. It’s… normal that you weren’t able to do nothing,” she struggles, terrible as always when she has to comfort others. “Fuck, what I mean is that… it’s fine. You can’t be always strong and it doesn’t matter because you aren’t alone. Octavia, Lincoln, Raven… we have your back. I’ll always have your back.”

Speechless, Lexa raises her head to find Anya’s honest and worried eyes. Without saying anything, she moves closer and hugs her. She’s shaking, but she doesn’t care. Her sister wraps her arms around her in a surprisingly not awkward hug.

This wasn’t Lexa’s only concern, but Anya’s words have helped her to take off one of the weighs she was carrying. Even though she still needs to talk with Clarke and be honest, at least she knows that she isn’t alone.

**

For the first time in weeks, they sleep in separate beds. Clarke misses Lexa in a way she never thought she would considering that she didn’t like to share her bed. However, it’s different with her roommate and she… she screwed it.

Clarke rolls in her bed to one side to another. Finn’s words resonate in her head and she can’t ignore it. Not when he is partially right. She used Lexa. She started their relationship for her own benefit and doing that so she had hurt her. She saw her face when Finn talked with her, the pain in her eyes that she failed to hide. Clarke caused that pain, even if it wasn’t her intention. 

It’s four in the morning when Clarke arrives at the conclusion that Lexa deserves someone who truly loves her. Someone who doesn’t suddenly kiss her when they aren’t even dating. Something real. And she isn’t sure if she can be that person.

She’s holding her tears while she takes her mobile and searches Well’s contact. She starts crying when she calls him and his friend answer.

“Well…” she sobs. “I screwed everything…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, but it was necessary for both of them... 😅  
> (Btw, I'm kind of surprised that nobody had punched Finn yet, I guess I'll have to change it...)


	27. Truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this chapter planned for a while and I really wanted to write it! I hope you like it!!

Although Lexa is conscient that she won’t fall asleep, she doesn’t move from her bed. A part of her is waiting for Clarke while another part of her wants to stand up and go to talk. But… what would she say? And how would Clarke react? They have a good relationship, what if she ruins it?

She is so lost on her thought that she almost misses the sound of footsteps near her room. Lexa stays in silence, her heart pounding so fast for the possibility of seeing Clarke. However, her roommate doesn’t stop on her door. Instead, she keeps walking, probably to the bathroom.

Lexa sighs, disappointed. She’s hesitating between standing up or not doing anything when she hears the sound of someone closing the front door. Her disappointment dissolves into worry at the realization that Clarke has just left their apartment.

With a jump, Lexa is on her feet. Without thinking that she’s wearing her pajama, she puts on her sneakers and grabs her handbag where she hopes it's her mobile, purse, and keys. She runs toward the door and soon she’s on the street. Although she got ready in less than three minutes, there’s no sight of Clarke.

Relieved of having her number, she calls her. Is in vain, or Clarke is ignoring her, or she doesn’t hear the mobile.

“Fuck!” Lexa shouts to the empty street.

While she tries to call her again, she runs to the closet bars that are still opened. She remembers too well that during the first week that Clarke moved with her, she arrived drunk once. Even though it’s a good clue, she doesn’t find her in any of them.

Feeling more and more worried, she stops after the tenth call. There’s no use of insisting over and over again. Instead, she calls Octavia without thinking that it’s half past four in the morning. Unlike her friend, Octavia picks up her phone immediately.

“Lexa? What-?”

“Octavia,” she interrupts her. “Do you know anything about Clarke? She just left and… I…”

“Hey, Lexa, it’s okay, breath. She has gone to Well’s, I’m on my way. You don’t have to worry.”

Lexa sighs, suddenly realizing that she has been holding her breath since she started looking for Clarke. “Thanks, O.”

“Lexa, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I was just worried, but it’s fine.”

“Okay…” Octavia agrees with her, although she doesn’t sound really convinced. “I’ll keep you in touch. Go back home and take some rest, okay?”

“Sure,” she accepts before hanging up.

Even though what she had said to Octavia, once she’s back on the gate of the apartment, she realizes that she can’t be there. Waiting for Clarke without knowing when she will return it’s beyond her possibilities. She can’t do it; it remains her too much at her waiting for Costia. Waiting and waiting for someone who never came back.

Fighting the urge of crying, she starts walking again, this time to Anya’s house.

**

Even though the hour, Wells didn’t complain that Clarke came to his house. Like all the times that she fought with her mother, the boy hugged and listened to her. Although on this occasion Clarke hasn’t said anything yet.

Restless, Clarke walks in circles inside Well’s room, unable to sit down and talk. She’s too nervous and insecure. Unlike her fights with her mother, she can’t define her feelings.

“Clarke,” says his friend after ten minutes of silence. “Do you want to talk? You only told me that you screwed everything.”

She shakes her head but takes a sit on the floor in front of him. “It’s Lexa,” she mutters.

Patiently, the boy waits until it’s clear that she won’t add more. “Okay. Octavia had texted me; she’ll be here in five minutes.” 

Clarke nods and places her chin on the top of her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs. If it’s bad awakening his friend in the middle of the night, it’s even worse knowing that the boy had texted Octavia too. And for once, Clarke doesn’t know what she is doing there. This isn’t the same as when she came to complain about her mother. This is her fault.

They spend the next minutes in silence until Wells leaves the room and comes back with Octavia. The girl sits down beside Clarke and hugs her while Wells sits on the other side.

“Clarke, what happened?” Asks Wells.

“That Finn is right,” she babbles without raising her head. “I’d been using Lexa all this time.”

“What? Could you explain that?”

“You know what I’m talking about, all the fake dating stuff.”

His two friends stay in silence for some seconds. It's Octavia the first who starts talking again. “Hum… Clarke? Why is suddenly a problem?”

The confusion in her voice is so palpable that Clarke finally jerks her head toward her. “I used her, Octavia. Of course it’s a problem!”

“Yeah, but, why now? Until this night you were fine and I believe that Lexa it’s fine too.”

“That’s because…” She trails, not knowing how to explain it. “I don’t know, I’ve just realized it.”

Wells and Octavia exchange a meaningful look. “Okay, let me summarize it,” starts the boy. “You and Lexa agreed that you’ll pretend to be dating. Both were fine with that. What has changed? Did you lie to her or something?”

“No!”

“Then, why?”

“Because now I like her!” She covers her face with her hands; however, she can’t undo what she has just said. “It was fine when she was almost a stranger and I only feel certain attraction for her. But now I know her and she’s nice and caring and… we are friends. It’s not the same.”

“Maybe your feelings have changed,” agrees Wells, patiently. “But when you decided to pretend to be girlfriends, I imagine that Lexa had her own reasons, right?”

“Yes…”

“Then, you aren’t using her, it’s more like a strange deal.”

Octavia nods, less calm than their friend. “Clarke, ignore Finn and all his bullshits. He only said it to hurt her and ruin your relationship because he is jealous.”

“Let’s forget Finn for a while and focus on Lexa,” proposes the boy. “Because you came being a mess and I don’t understand yet why you were like that. Why are you so nervous now?”

“Because our faked relationship doesn’t feel right anymore!”

“That’s a good start. If you don’t want to keep fake dating, what do you want?”

Deep down, Clarke knows the answer. However, she won’t accept those feelings. “Oh, no. You are thinking that I’m in love with her, but you are wrong. Even if I have a little crush, it isn't love.”

Octavia opens her mouth, but Wells is faster than her. “Why are you so against the idea? Please, be honest.”

“I have plenty of reasons. For example, we live together. There’s the not spoken rule of not dating your roommate.”

“That’s stupid,” proclaims Octavia, crossing her arms.

Sadly, Clarke has to admit that she’s right. It’s a weak argument.

“She’s been through a lot; I can’t hurt her.”

Her two friends are ready to reply but, again, Wells is faster. “Why would you hurt her? You clearly care about her.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t hurt her intentionally but look how ended my last relationship. Look how ended Finn. And I’m sure that after everything, she won’t like to be with someone now.”

“How do you know that?” Shouts Octavia. “Have she told you that she isn’t interested?”

“No, but…”

“Then you don’t know have a fucking clue if she’s ready or not.”

“What Octavia is trying to say is that you cannot know if you don’t ask her. And in the end, it’s her decision.”

Clarke closes her eyes, tired. She wasn’t expecting this when she decided to come to Wells’ and, even if her friends have helped her, now she just feels attacked. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Fuck you, Clarke,” Octavia snaps and Clarke opens her eyes again. “You are impossible.”

“Octavia…” warns her Wells, but the two girls decide to ignore him.

Clarke turns toward the girl. The more she hears to Octavia, the angrier she becomes. “What’s your problem?”

“My problem? You are the one who has a problem, Clarke.”

“Yeah? And could you give me the favor and explain what it is?”

“That you are just like Bellamy!”

At first, Clarke doesn’t even understand what Octavia is talking about. It doesn’t make sense. “I’m not like him,” she says, confuse.

“True, you are worst than him. At least, he isn’t a hypocrite.”

“Octavia, that’s enough” warns Wells, this time louder and firmer. “Look, Clarke, since the beginning you have tried to put some distance between you and Lexa because you were in bad terms. Before Octavia’s party, I remember that you told me that you didn’t want to be friends with her; actually, you thought it was impossible.”

Clarke bites her lip, feeling an unpleasant weight in her stomach. She remembers that conversation, it was before they kissed for the first time.

“I’m not like Bellamy, I don’t hate her,” she protests, weakly.

“I know, but it doesn’t change the fact that you hated her for a long time. Or that you have tried to suppress your feelings once you found that she isn’t as bad as you thought.”

Although she wants to argue, she can’t find any argument. “Fuck… You are... You are right," she mutters. "Why you didn’t say anything until now?”

“Honestly, I hope that it wouldn’t be necessary. I mean, you don’t refuse that you are friends anymore.”

Octavia places her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. When the blonde turns toward her, the girl doesn’t seem so upset. “Sorry for snapping before, I lost my temper. It’s just that…” She sighs. “I understand if you aren’t interested in being with someone after Finn, it’s been only a month. And I also understand that you don’t want a romantic relationship with Lexa. However, what I can’t stand is that you refuse to feel something for her and, at the same time, you kiss her. Back in the pub, I saw you.”

“It’s not what it seems…”

“Then, what it is?”

She doesn’t answer. It was exactly was what it seemed. She didn’t have a reason to kiss Lexa, she just did it because it felt natural. Because she wanted and, for the way Lexa looked at her, she wanted too.

Her silence is eloquent and enough answer to Octavia. “You said you are afraid of hurting her but at this rate, you will. You should try to be honest with yourself and analyze your feeling. Stop lying.”

“I’ll do,” she promises, although she already knows her answer. She had known for weeks even if she tried to ignore it. “Thanks. I guess.”

“I guess? It’s five in the morning, you better be grateful.”

**

Although Lexa was worried that Anya would be sleeping, Raven opens the door smiling. “Lexa! Thanks for coming.”

Lexa is pulled inside the house without time to apologize for being there. Her surprise of finding Raven waiting for her grows when she sees Anya on the couch. The girl acknowledges her presence nodding. Unlike Raven, who seems almost happy, Anya looks worried.

“Raven was sure you were going to come here,” she says, frowning. “Are you… okay?”

“Yes,” she replies without thinking. She sounds convincing, but neither Raven nor Anya believes her. “Maybe not,” she sighs while she sits on the couch near Anya. “I… I need to talk with someone.”

Raven smiles and nods, encouraging her to continue. “Do you want me to leave you two alone?”

Conscient that Anya is terrible talking about feelings, Lexa shakes her head. “Could you stay, please?”

Happier than before, the girl takes a sit on a chair to be in front of her. “Of course.”

For a moment, neither say anything. Now that she’s here, Lexa doesn’t know how to start or if it will help her. However, she has made her mind and she needs to talk. Maybe then everything will become clearer.

“I don’t know what I should do,” she admits. “It’s difficult to explain.”

“Well, you can start for the begging,” proposes Raven.

“Hum, that could work.” The problem is that it means sharing some embarrassing decisions. Anya is going to kill her, but at least Raven will laugh a little. Lexa hopes that she’ll find this funny. “You could say that it started when we return to our apartment after Octavia’s party. That night we found Finn on the gate, completely wasted and he arrived at the conclusion that Clarke and I were together. And instead of refuting, Clarke lied because Finn was annoying and didn’t want to leave.”

Lexa makes a pause, ready for an interruption that never happens. Seeing that they won’t say anything about Finn, she continues. “I thought that it wouldn’t have importance, but the next morning Clarke received a lot of texts from her friends that believed that we were together because Finn couldn’t be quiet.” She swallows, unable to look at their eyes while she says the next part. “So… to avoid explanations, she asked me to pretend to be dating and I accepted.”

During the next seconds, nothing happens. Then, Raven covers her mouth, shaking, until she can’t control it and starts laughing. “Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh,” she managed to say.

While the girl tries to calm down, Lexa turns toward Anya, who is shocked. “Wait… Are you saying that you and Clarke aren’t dating?”

“Yes, but after that, we became closer. We comforted each other when we needed, in general, we dinner together, sometimes we kind of flirt and…” Although she doubts, she decides against saying that they sleep together. That’s too personal and she would have to explain her nightmares. “And we have even kissed a few times.”

Raven, who isn’t laughing anymore but have problems having a straight face, coughs to hide a chuckle. “So you two basically acted as if you were dating without dating?”

“That’s a good way to summarize. And the problem is that I started to feel something more for her. I… I like her. “Although it isn’t the first time she says it out loud, it’s as hard as the last time. “I really do, but I’m afraid of ruining or current relationship. And I don’t know if I’m ready to be with someone yet,” she adds, quieter.

Although in her head everything was complicated, saying out loud has caused that it sounds quite simple. She’s still afraid because she doesn’t have full control of the situation, but at least she has come in terms with her own feelings. And she doesn’t feel guilty for admitting it.

While Lexa is way calmer than an hour ago, Anya looks more nervous. Even if nervous doesn’t seem the correct word to define her. “I totally believe that you were dating.” She sounds betrayed and upset. “The fucking blondie angel has deceived me.”

Raven rolls her eyes. “Anya, sweetheart, I think that right now that isn’t so important.” Anya ignores her, so, after rolling her eyes again, she leans down and looks to Lexa again. “I think you know what you should do now, right?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Raven.” Lexa nods with a small smile. She knows it and no matter how terrifying it is, she’s sure that if she doesn’t do anything, she’ll end regretting.

“Anytime. And I mean it, your love life is better than the last TV show I watched.”

Lexa’s smile grows wider. “I’ll keep it in mind.”

Suddenly, her mobile buzz, making her remember that she had called Clarke ten times. Wondering if her roommate has replied, Lexa grabs her mobile. It’s a message from Octavia explaining that Clarke is okay and that she’ll go to their apartment. Maybe they are going to have a chance to talk sooner than she expected.

“Thanks for listening to me and sorry for coming without warning,” she says while she stands up. Raven and Anya imitate her, even if the last is still socked and barely paying attention.

“No problem,” mutters Anya.

“I’m glad, especially because I need your help.”

“Do you want to change your pajamas,” asks Raven, smirking.

Lexa rubs her neck, a bit embarrassed. She had completely forgotten about that. Luckily, she’s wearing old clothes and not Clarke’s pajamas. “Not exactly. It’s more difficult.”

The couple stares at her, curious.


	28. Finally, a little talk

Instead of using her phone to call Lexa, Clarke focuses on the bow she’s holding. Octavia has asked her to wait, explaining that they should have a conversation face to face. Clarke suspects that that is only one of her reasons, the other is to punish her for being so blind. So, accepting her friend's advice, she’s controlling her urge to talk with Lexa baking. She has wished that Lexa would arrive before she ended the cake, but it isn’t the case. The cake is on the fridge but there isn’t a sight of Lexa.

Although Clarke is tired, she knows that’s she won’t fall asleep. At least, not until she’s honest with Lexa. So, she sits on one of the chairs of the kitchen and she waits. And waits. And waits. And waits…

The sound of the front door being opened makes her jump, throwing the chair to the ground in the process. She doesn’t care, she just runs toward the door, where she finally finds Lexa, still wearing her pajama and holding a plastic bag. Probably Octavia had talked with her because she doesn’t look really surprised. 

Once she’s in front of her roommate, Clarke stops, suddenly feeling shy. She was so restless waiting for her that she has forgotten to think about how she would start. Good or bad, Lexa takes the initiative.

“Clarke, are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry for leaving in the middle of the night without saying anything. I thought you were sleeping.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Octavia had explained it. What I meant is if you are okay. There’s a reason you left in a hurry, right?”

“Hum… Yes, but it’s solved. More or less. I…” She bites her lip, embarrassed. “I need to talk about something. About us.”

Although Lexa tries to remain calm, Clarke can recognize for a moment the fear on her eyes. However, the brunette manages to smile. “I think we should talk too. But first… Do you want to have breakfast?” She asks, raising her arm to show the bag.

Curious, Clarke takes the bag and sees that inside there’s a Tupperware. “What is this?”

“I made a biscuit with Anya and Raven’s help.”

Clarke stares at her only to see that Lexa doesn’t seem to be joking. “You baked a biscuit with Anya and Raven.” Not even saying out loud it makes more sense. “What?”

Lexa rubs the back of her neck, averting her gaze. “Well, I know you like desserts, but I’m not good, so I asked them to help me a little…”

“I can’t believe it,” she mutters before starting to laugh.

While she laughs and Lexa looks at her as if she’s mad, Clarke grabs Lexa’s hand and pulls her toward the kitchen. Seeing the chair on the floor only makes her laugh harder to Lexa’s incomprehension. She needs a full minute to calm herself down enough to be able to open the fridge and take out the cake she had done.

“I can’t believe we did the same,” she explains, still laughing.

Finally understanding her, Lexa covers her face with her hands. Realizing that she’s shaking, Clarke moves closer and places her hand on her forearm. “Lexa?”

Her fears that her roommate was crying fade away when Lexa lowers her hands and starts giggling, unable to hold it back. It’s the first time Clarke has ever listen to her laughing that way and it’s the most beautiful sound she has ever heard.

And for a moment, they just laugh together.

**

Of course, Clarke’s cake is way better than the biscuit. Lexa can’t even be surprised; the receipt was from the internet and they aren’t good baking. At least it’s edible.

They sit down in the kitchen to have breakfast at six in the morning. Besides the cake and the biscuit, they prepare some coffee that both of them clearly need it.

They barely talk while they’re eating, they only make some comments like that they are lucky that it’s Sunday. Although Lexa wants to talk, she doesn’t know for which part she should begin with. She decides when she has almost finished her second piece of cake.

“I owe you an apology.”

“You what?” Asks Clarke after swallowing, staring at her as if she’s insane.

“Yeah, about what happened with Finn. I’m sorry I didn’t tell him anything. I know he was lying; you are not like he thinks, but at that moment I just couldn’t…”

“Hey, wait a second,” she interrupts. “You don’t owe me an apology for that. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay?”

“But…”

“I said nothing wrong,” she says, firm, before averting her gaze. “In fact, I should be the one apologizing,” she lowers her voice and her head. “He said that I was using you, and in some way, he was right. I mean, all the plan to pretend to be dating was my idea.”

This time, it’s Lexa’s turn to deny it. “Clarke, I’d never thought you were using me, don’t say that.”

Lexa reaches her hand above the table to grab Clarke’s. Even though it’s August, her hand it’s cold. Clarke smiles, but her eyes are shining with something too similar to fear. Maybe she’s as afraid as Lexa is. Then, both of them need to be brave.

During the next minute, neither of them says anything. They just stay like that, holding each other hand, enjoying this simple moment that soon will be broken. For good or for bad, their relationship is going to change.

“Clarke,” begins Lexa, hesitating. “There’s something I wanted to say since… well, for a while. I… I like you,” she mutters, unable to look at her eyes. Slowly and afraid of making her uncomfortable, she lets her hand. “I’m sorry, I…”

Before she could finish her apology, Clarke stands up so abruptly that the chair falls down, and with three steps she walks to be in front of her. Lexa can’t keep avoiding her eyes when the blonde cups her cheeks and makes her lift her head.

“Why are you apologizing?” She demands, leaning down until their foreheads are practically pressed against the other.

“I…” She swallows. Even if she can’t think of any, she has a reason. Right? “I don’t want to make things uncomfortable between us.”

“Don’t worry, you aren’t the one who will make it uncomfortable.”

Lexa hasn’t time to ask her why. She just closes her eyes when she feels Clarke’s lips pressing hers. However, the kiss ends as fast as it started. As if she is suddenly regretting, Clarke leans back. She lets her hands on her cheeks, though.

“Don’t you dare to apologize when you didn’t do anything wrong. And you know what? I like you too, even if I had needed my friends to open my eyes. I’m in fucking love with you and the only thing I’m sorry is that I didn’t realize before. Well, also that this couldn’t be less romantic.”

Although Lexa is proud of the control of her emotions, she can’t keep her face expressionless and her lips broke on a smile. This is way better than she anticipated. It would be perfect is she could say ‘I love you too’. However, the words are trapped on her throat and she can’t say them. Not yet. At least, if she doesn’t have the words, she will show it.

Lexa places her hand on the back of Clarke’s neck and leans up, capturing her lips in a softer kiss.

**

She likes so much kissing Lexa that she can only ask herself why it took them so long. She knows the answer, but it doesn’t change the fact that now she regrets denying her feelings those weeks.

Needing to be even closer, she sits on Lexa’s lap, with the brunette arms wrapped around her waist. They only stop to change the angle of the kiss, making it deeper and wonderful… And then, suddenly, Lexa tenses and the magic is broken.

Realizing the change in her behavior, Clarke moves her head back. Lexa’s expression is more vulnerable than usual and once again, she isn’t looking at her eyes. Clarke knows that she’s going to apologize before she opens her mouth.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “It’s been so long and I really like you… I want to kiss you but… I’m… I’m not ready yet.”

“Lexa, look at me,” she says trying to sound soft and relax. The last thing she needs is that Lexa arrives at the conclusion that Clarke is mad. And she isn't, she would never be for that reason. “It’s okay, I understand.”

“No, it isn’t, It’s pathetic…”

“But it’s better to force yourself to do something you aren’t ready. We can take this (whatever it is), slow. After all, it’s what we said to Aden and Anya,” she adds joking to improve the mood.

She is partially successful because Lexa smiles, but the sadness on her eyes don’t disappear. “Thanks, Clarke.”

As an answer, Clarke just smiles. She stands up, taking Lexa’s hand and helping her to stand up too. “It’s late, we should go to bed.”

Although their best intentions, it’s a bit awkward when they enter Clarke’s room. However, Clarke has said that they will take it slow, so she just pulls Lexa on the bed and lays down beside her as always. As if anything has changed. That’s the right thing. Right?

She’s too tired to analyze it. Maybe tomorrow, with some hours of sleep, everything will seem easier. At that moment, she can only think over and over again on what had happened. What was she thinking when she kissed her? They were going to talk, but once again, she has acted without thinking. Although she doesn’t fully regret it, she’s upset that she has ruined the chance of talking. They need to clarify better their relationship.

The last thing she thinks before falling asleep hugging Lexa is that she had never planned to say ‘I love you’. And she doesn’t know if she regrets it.

**

Considering they went to bed so late, Clarke hoped she would sleep until one in the morning or something like that. However, her dreams are shattered with the sound of her mobile buzzing. Not completely awakened, she ignores it and tightens her grip on Lexa. They are in the same position they fell asleep, with their legs tangled and Lexa’s head resting on the blonde’s chest. And Clarke is so comfortable that she doesn’t have any wish to move.

Unfortunately, Lexa has been awakened too. And without Clarke's intention of being on the bed all morning.

“Clarke,” she mutters, her voice husked for the sleep. “I think someone is calling.”

“I don’t care.”

The mobile stops buzzing for a second, giving them a wonderful second of calm. Then, it starts buzzing again. Clarke groans, but she doesn’t make any attempt of standing up.

Again, Lexa is the most responsible. “I think they are calling. Again.”

“It isn’t important.”

“Clarke.”

“Lexa.”

Ignoring her, Lexa tries to stand up while Clarke hugs her even tighter. The brunette, clearly stronger than her, is who wins and Clarke hasn’t another option of surrender and sits down on the bed. “I hate you,” she groans, moving away to catch her mobile.

She narrows her eyes when she sees on the screen Jasper’s name. Upset for the events of Lincoln’s party and for being awakened so early, she picks up. “Fuck you,” she shouts and, without giving time to get an answer, she hangs up.

Next to her, Lexa stares at her, worried. “Is everything okay?”

Clarke shakes her head and hugs her again. Lexa doesn’t fight when Clarke pulls her back to the bed, with the blonde laying atop her. “It was from Jasper, my shitty friend. Probably wanted to say how hurt is Finn.”

Lexa places her hands on Clarke's back and rubs circles in the way Clarke loves. “Are you okay,” she asks after some hesitation.

“I’ll be, this isn’t the first time I have a fight with him.” She shakes her hand to downplay it. What she doesn’t say is that it’s the first time she isn’t trying to solve the problem. She’s more used that her friends get mad at her that the other way around. And she’s mad, so if Jasper wants to fix their relationship, it’s on him. “Anyway, I don’t want to talk about him today.”

Today and in a very long time. She’s conscious that she should do something about Finn, however, she needs more time. Her ex still has too much power on her. She needs to feel detachable of him, wait until his words won’t hurt her so much. And, especially, she needs to let Lexa out of that.

Understanding her mood, Lexa pulls her even closer and kiss her forehead, softly. “I was thinking that I owe you a t-shirt in exchange for the t-shirt you bought me. Do you want to go today?”

Lexa’s offer makes Clarke forget for a moment all her drama with Finn. Smirking, she lifts her head to look at her roommate’s eyes. “Are you asking me a date?”

For the pink tinge on her cheeks, it didn’t occur to Lexa that her offering could sound like a date. “No!” She exclaimed before she can calm herself down and act with her usual calm. “I mean, maybe? If you want…”

She is so fucking adorable when she’s nervous that Clarke can’t control her desire and kisses her, remembering too late that she isn’t sure if this is allowed in their relationship. 

“Is this okay?” She asks against her lips.

Lexa looks as if she’s going to pass out, but she manages to nod. This time, Clarke has more control and stops herself before kissing Lexa again. Conscient that she’s still laying atop of her and they are in her bed, she places a chaste peck on her lips and stands up.

“It’s a date, then.”

Suddenly, she isn’t tired anymore.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^


	29. Their not first date

Clarke doesn't freak out until Lexa leaves her room to take a shower. Once her roommate is gone, she starts panicking and, hey, she has all the right to do it because this is going to be their FIRST date. And the first date is always special, even if neither of them had planned it and they’ll improvise. Yeah, everything is perfect.

Too nervous to get ready alone, Clarke does what she always does when she’s nervous before a date: she calls a friend. Most times, that friend is Wells, but her date is Lexa and Octavia knows her better.

The seconds that pass before Octavia picks up the phone are long, more like minutes. However, in the end, her friend answer with a husky voice. “Clarke? It’s everything okay? Had you talked with Lexa?” She shouts the three questions with surprising speed considering that she sounds sleepy as if Clarke has woken her up.

“Yeah! We talked, we’re fine, we are taking it slow and we have a date. Today. This morning. And I need to choose what I’m going to wear. Sorry if I woke you up,” she adds, ashamed for not saying it first.

Octavia needs some seconds to reply. Maybe Clarke had said too much. “Okay, fuck, this is important. Give me two minutes to prepare a coffee and I call you on skype.”  
During the wait, she turns on the laptop and starts throwing clothes on her bed. Is she exaggerating? Of course. Can she stop? Of course not.

True to her word, Octavia called her two minutes later. She’s still wearing her pajama and has a mug of coffee on her hand; however, she looks very awake. “Clarke, you know I’m pretty involved in your romantic life, right?”

“Right?”

“That’s means I have the right to ask you all the details.” She leans down to the camera, resting her chin on her hands. She looks like a member of the mafia. “Now, start talking.”

“I think you are bored and should read more fics, but okay. I made a cake, she made a biscuit and we had breakfast. Then, she told me that she likes me, I kissed her and I kind of told her that I love her. But in the end, she wasn’t ready, so we agreed to take it slow and went to sleep,” she summarizes in less than a minute, talking as fast as she can with the hope that Octavia won’t understand her. “Now, can we talk about what I will wear?”

No, they couldn’t.

“You said you love her!! After weeks of denying your feelings, you said the L word?!”

“More or less.” Definitely, she shouldn’t have said that part. She really needs to change the topic. “Either way, she didn’t freak out, we sleep together as always.”

Octavia’s eyes widen and Clarke covers her mouth. However, it’s too late.

“You slept together??!!” She yells, probably awakening Lincoln (if he was still sleeping) and half of her neighbors. “As always?!” She adds even more surprised.

For a moment, Clarke thinks seriously to turn down the computer and hide under her bed. It’s especially hard fighting against that urge and, instead, act like the adult she is. “It’s a long story… Can you help me to pick my clothes, please?”

Although she had pleaded, Octavia is ruthless and stubborn. “Clarke, you can’t drop something like that and ask me to pretend I didn’t hear it!” 

“Ugh,” she groans. The worst part is knowing that she would act in the same way if she were in Octavia’s position. “Okay. First, we didn’t have sex or anything, we just sleep together. It started when Aden had to crash with us one night and one thing leads to another. Cuddles. That’s all. Happy?”

Octavia’s expression says that no, she isn’t happy and wants a lot more. However, she bites her lip and nods. “Not really, but I accept it. Okay, let’s search for the perfect outfit.”

“Finally!”

**

Wrapped in a towel, Lexa stands in front of the bathroom door wondering how she can keep doing the same mistake. It had happened so many times that she isn’t even surprised that she had forgotten grabbing her clothes before entering the bath. Now, once again, she has to go to her room only covered with the towel.

What keeps her froze in front of the door is that every time she’s in the same situation, Clarke is always near her. Maybe she was going to the living room or to the kitchen. Maybe she just wanted to know if Lexa had finished with the bath. Or maybe she has a special power and she knows how she will found her. No matter the reason, Clarke is always there.  
Lexa takes a deep breath. During the last minutes, she hasn’t heard a sound so, initially, the girl should be in her room. It’s now or never. She opens the door and takes two steps before Clarke appears on the halfway. The worst part is that the girl isn’t even surprised.

“Oh, great, you had already finished,” she says, smiling. Instead of being uncomfortable, she is annoyingly normal.

“Yeah, I’ll be ready in five minutes,” she replies, awkwardly. “We can go in… ten minutes?”

Clarke shakes her head, her smile growing wider. “Make it six!” She exclaims before turning around, running back to her room. Okay, maybe Clarke isn’t as calm as she seems. That’s good news, it means that Lexa isn’t the only one nervous.

In her room, Lexa gets dressed in record time. She did it so fast that she spends the next two minutes waiting for Clarke. At that time, Lexa finds herself chatting with Raven. Although she doesn’t know the girl for a long time, it’s easier to talk with her than with other people. Lexa can understand why Raven and Anya have bonded so fast.

To no one’s surprise, Raven asks her about the previous night and, for some strange reason, Lexa feels comfortable enough to explain a little. After all, she really appreciated Raven’s help and she has the feeling that she can trust her.

Although she likes talking with Raven, Lexa stops when Clarke appears on the halfway. The blonde walks toward her with an unusual shy smile, wearing a top and shorts. She’s fucking stunning and Lexa it’s a too useless lesbian. The worst part is that Clarke doesn’t look so different than usual, but knowing that they are going to a date, makes Lexa more conscious of everything.

Fortunately, Clarke seems to be having similar problems, so, at least, Lexa isn’t the only one acting as an embarrassed teenager.

“You look beautiful,” mutters Lexa after almost a minute in silence.

Her comment makes Clarke react, and she nods. “You too, Lex.” She reaches for Lexa’s hand, who immediately takes it. “Shall we go?”

**

Going back to the shopping center is strange. It’s like the last time but their circumstances are completely different. Instead of searching for a gift to Lincoln, they start since the beginning having fun around some shops. However, the main change is that this time, Lexa doesn’t feel suffocated. This time is infinitely better.

Even though they had already had breakfast before, it was too early and, fifteen minutes after arriving, Clarke’s stomach protests push them to a coffee shop. Considering how little sleep they had, Lexa takes a coffee wishing that it will help her during the day. Right now, the excitement of being on a date with Clarke is enough to make her have her head clear, but maybe it wasn’t enough to work all morning.

At first, the chatting is a bit difficult because they had already covered all first date topics and it isn’t the place for a heavy conversation. It’s Clarke who solves that issue talking about her father, of how much he loved coffee and how he was who convinced Clarke to try it the first time.

“It was awful.” Clarke laughs for the memory. “I swore I’d never trust him again. Honestly, I was a little drama queen.”

Lexa smiles, enjoying the happiness that sometimes Clarke has when she talks about her father. “But know you like drinking coffee,” she points, glaring at the cup that the girl is holding.

“What I say, I was a drama queen and the next week I prepared another cup of coffee, only that this time with more sugar. Way more sugar.”

Clarke laughs again and Lexa does the same. She can imagine a younger version of Clarke with a cup with more sugar than coffee.

“In my case was Anya who gave me for the first time,” Lexa recognizes. In general, she isn’t very keen to share anecdotes about her childhood, mostly because there aren’t especially happy. However, she doesn’t have that problem with Clarke. “I was thirteen and I had spent the night outside, so Anya gave me a coffee to awaken me so I could pretend that I was on my bed all night. Back then, I really hate it, but it saved my life.”

“Wow, the amazing power of the coffee. But what were you doing outside all night?”

Lexa explains without entering in detail that a friend had a problem, so she went to gave him a hand. Clarke listens to her attentive, with a beautiful smile on her face. Receiving that attention of Clarke makes Lexa feel special, although it isn’t the first time that her roommate had listened to her. However, it still makes Lexa feel especial. And aware of how much she likes Clarke. More than she ever thought she would like someone again.

They leave the coffee shop after a while to enter in the same shop they bought Lincoln’s birthday. Even though the idea was buying a t-shirt for Clarke, the blonde seems more enthusiastic about finding clothes for Lexa. That’s how she ends more times than she had expected inside of the lifting room. One of those times, just when she has removed her t-shirt, Clarke enters without any warning.

“Clarke? What are you…?”

Before Lexa could end, Clarke moves closer and places her hand on Lexa’s face, covering her mouth. “Shhhh,” she whispers.

It’s hard, but Lexa tries to ignore the fact that Clarke’s body is pressing against her and listens. On the other side of the lifting room, she hears two voices. She doesn’t recognize one of them, but the other it’s familiar. Almost like… Bellamy?

Finally, she can understand Clarke’s reaction, although she considers it’s a bit excessive. Gentle, Lexa places her hands on Clarke’s shoulders and pushes her away. At first, the girl doesn’t want to move, but she sees something in Lexa’s eyes that makes her step away. She does it reluctantly, removing her hand with an unsure expression.

“Bellamy and Echo are outside,” whispers Clarke as an explanation.

“I know. And it’s okay.”

“What…?” Clarke starts too loudly before remembering that they are hiding. “What are you saying? I’m talking about Bellamy.”

Lexa can understand Clarke’s incomprehension and she doesn’t have any problem in explaining herself, however, this isn’t the place nor the moment.

“Look, I don’t want to see them today because this is our day, but I’m not mad with him. And I won’t lose my control, you don’t have anything to worry about.”

Although her words were meant to calm her, Clarke doesn’t seem less worried. Biting her lip, she lowers her head. At that moment, she finally realizes that Lexa is only wearing her bra. It’s almost funny how her cheeks turned completely red while the girl steps back trying to not look at Lexa’s chest.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry. I…”

Lexa wants to say that it’s okay, after all, Clarke has seen her with fewer clothes other times, however, her roommate moves faster than Lexa has expected. Too embarrassed, the blonde turns around and opens the door of the lifting room to run away forgetting that on the other side are Bellamy and Echo.

For a moment, the couple just looks at Clarke, astonished. Lexa uses that brief moment to put on the t-shirt before they link the fact that she was shirtless and Clarke blushed. This is awkward enough. 

“Hi,” she wades with a tiny smile.

In Lexa’s pocket, her mobile starts buzzing receiving a message, but she’s too busy to notice it.

**

When Clarke thought about a date with Lexa, she wasn’t imaging an encounter with Bellamy and Echo in front of a lifting room. For the expression of her friends, neither them.  
Surprisingly, it’s Lexa the first who acts with normality. Whereas Clarke is asking herself how they can have so bad luck, the brunette leaves the lifting room and wades. When nobody says anything, she introduces herself to Echo.

“Hi,” replies Echo unsure, looking at her boyfriend. “I’m Echo, nice to meet you.”

The silence that comes next is completely uncomfortable. Somehow, it’s even familiar. Since Clarke started living with Lexa, they have been in too many situations that were extremely uncomfortable. This time, at least they aren’t dinning together. It could be worse.

Like before, Lexa breaks the silence. “Thanks for coming last night. I hope Finn didn’t cause you a lot of trouble.”

Echo shakes her hand. “Don’t worry, he was pretty docile when we arrived.”

If Clarke didn't know Echo very well, she could have missed the way the girl looked at Bellamy and Lexa. Clarke can almost hear the gears inside of her head. However, the blonde isn’t fast enough to stop her and, before she can do anything, Echo grabs her arm and pulls toward her.

“Clarke!” She exclaimed with a fake cheerful tone. “I would love if you can help me for a moment, Bellamy can’t see the difference between two pairs of shoes.”

Without saying goodbye, Echo tugs her, leaving Bellamy and Lexa alone.

“Echo!” Protests Clarke, shaking her arm to release it. “We can’t leave them alone.”

The girl stops pretending a smile. Now she looks stubborn. “Yes, we can. You have barely talked with Bellamy since he acted like an asshole in your apartment. I get it, you are mad with him,” she explained before Clarke could argue. “And I also understand that if he wants to be in good terms with you, first he needs to fix things with Lexa. Just give him a chance, I promise that he won’t be a jerk again.”

Clarke narrows her eyes and crosses her arms. She’s upset about knowing that Echo is right. And, deep down, Clarke can’t deny that she misses talking with her friend. She has enough with Finn and Jasper to be also mad with Bellamy.

“I hope that you are right.”

Echo’s smile is more genuine this time, basically because is more a grin than a smile. “Me too. Now, please, help me with the shoes. I wasn’t lying when I said that Bellamy is terrible.”

Without paying attention, Clarke nods. She’s staring at Bellamy and Lexa, who are talking. Unfortunately, she can’t hear them because of the distance. Clarke clenches her jaw whishing that Echo is right. Suddenly, she starts to feel that something bad is going to happen.


	30. A bad feeling?

Bellamy and Lexa stand in silence some seconds trying to not look at the other. The silence between them is tense, to say the least.

“I’d already told you last night,” begins Bellamy. “But I’m sorry for… You know, what I did in your apartment.”

Lexa nods, unsure of what she should answer. She isn’t mad at him anymore, so she could just accept the apology and let everything in the same way. However, she also knows that she could try something more.

“Thanks for apologizing, I appreciate it. However, sometimes an apology isn’t enough.” 

He raises an eyebrow, not too convinced. “What do you want?”

“Octavia’s birthday is in three months,” she explains while Bellamy looks at her completely confused. “Could you organize a surprised party?”

“Humm, yes? It wouldn’t be the first time.”

“And could you talk with all of her friends? Not only yours but also mine. Could you organize a party with all of us?”

Bellamy narrows her eyes when he understands what she has in mind. He seems suspicious and not very keen on the idea. “I can do it, but I don’t think it could work.”

“Why not? I’ve been Octavia’s friend for the last years and I’m currently dating Clarke.” Or sort of, however, that isn’t an information that he needs to know. “Maybe you and I will never be friends, but it doesn’t mean that we have to hate each other. And, for example, I met Wells some weeks ago and I think he’s a good guy. Clarke is kind of a friend with Anya. It could work and I’m sure that Octavia will love it. Even if we just try.”

Lexa waits, wishing that she had convinced him. Bellamy doubts looking at their right, where Echo and Clarke are talking, even though the blonde seems more interested in their conversation that in Echo. Her posture is tense and she looks really to come in Lexa’s help.

“Why are you doing this?” He finally asks, turning toward her.

“Because Octavia is my friend and I think she deserves that we try it,” she explains, sincere. “So, what do you say?”

At first, Lexa thinks that Bellamy would refuse, however, he nods. He isn’t smiling and doesn’t seem very optimistic, but Lexa is sure that his eyes are shining with some kind of determination. For a moment, he looks very similar to her sister.

**

Surprisingly, the conversation between Bellamy and Lexa doesn’t end as badly as Clarke has thought. In fact, it doesn’t end badly at all. However, Clarke doesn’t relax until Bellamy and Echo leave them. During that time, Clarke has had a bad feeling as if something terrible it’s going to happen. Maybe it’s just a stupid feeling, but maybe not. And if it isn’t about Bellamy…

Feeling Lexa’s hand on her shoulder snaps Clarke back to reality. The brunette stares at her a bit worried. “Clarke, are you okay?”

“Are you asking me that when you were with Bellamy? Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m okay.”

Although Lexa seems honest, Clarke narrows her eyes, looking at her closely. She wants to be sure and, above everything, she wants to understand how Lexa is okay. Clarke remembers too well her roommate’s reaction when Bellamy broke Costia’s picture and the posterior day.

Aware of the way Clarke is looking at her, Lexa smiles, calm. “I’m not mad anymore with him,” she explains with a soft tone.

“Why?”

Staring at Lexa’s eyes, Clarke forgets that they are in the shopping center. There are just them.

“Because he is aware that he made a mistake and he regrets it.”

“And that’s all?” Clarke asks, not fully convinced.

She has plenty of experience in fighting with friends and it’s never so easy. And they were friends, Lexa doesn’t even like Bellamy.

“Although it ended so… bad, his intentions were good. But most importantly, he realized that he was wrong and tried to apologize several times. That’s enough for me.”

Clarke sighs. “If that’s enough for you, it’ll be enough for me too.”

Although she doesn’t say it very pleased, the reality is that she feels relieved. Slowly, some problems are being solved.

Lexa’s calm expression fades away and appears a nervous smile. “Hum, that’s good, especially because we have also made a mistake.”

During the heartbeat Clarke needs to mutter ‘what’, she feels pain in her chest as if a claw is squeezing her heart. What it’s the mistake? The date? Their relationship?

“Anya found out that we were lying and she isn’t… happy. She’s a bit upset for not realizing before,” she explains. She grabs her phone out of her pocket as if she wants to show her something, but she changes her mind and slips it in her pocket again.

Clarke sighs in relief that the mistake wasn’t their relationship until her brain understand what Lexa is saying. “Wait, it’s Anya mad with us?”

“Kind of.” Lexa bits her lip, averting her gaze.

This time, Clarke hasn’t any doubt that the girl is lying. Anya is definitely mad with them. Clearly, her bad feeling wasn’t about Bellamy, it was about Anya.

“So… What are we going to do?”

Lexa swallows, uncomfortable. “She’s coming to our house tonight. To dinner. Sorry, I couldn’t say no…”

“Hey, it’s fine. I mean, I wasn’t expecting her so soon, but we were going to face her at some point, right?”

The brunette nods, even though she doesn’t share her optimism. “The good side is that Raven it’s coming too.” 

This time, it’s Clarke’s turn to nod, not sure why having Raven it’s the good side and not the bad one.

“So, it will be the four of us?”

Smiling (something odd considering their situation), Lexa shakes her head. “We’ll be five. Our backing it’s coming too.”

**

The backing turns to be Aden. The kid arrives at their apartment carrying a bag with the obvious intention of sleeping in their apartment or Anya’s. Clarke doesn’t mind one option or the other as long as the dinner doesn’t end as unpleasant as it can end.

With Aden’s help (who turns to have good cooking skills), they manage to make chicken with rice that, surprisingly, looks tasty. While they cook, the kid asks a dozen questions about them. Unlike Anya, he isn’t upset with them for lying, in fact, he is thrilled. In his words, theirs is an amazing love story.

Aden’s attitude is nice, especially when Anya and Raven arrive. Unlike the kid, Anya enters the apartment narrowing her eyes. She isn’t even smiling. Next to her, Raven doesn’t seem to be helpful, she looks as if she’s having fun of their situation.

They sit in the kitchen and, even though the food is good and Aden tries to keep a conversation, bit by bit Anya’s cold behavior affects the mood.

Clarke is the first in losing her composure after ten minutes receiving death glares. “Okay, I’m done. Anya, say whatever you want to say.”

The girl raises an eyebrow and, somehow, she manages to look more threatening than before. “Are you sure?”

The blonde hesitates, but Lexa holds her hand under the table. Clarke isn’t sure who is Lexa trying to give courage.

“Yes, Anya, we are sure.”

“And please, make it quickly,” pleads Aden with his cutest expression.

It’s a good try but Anya is immune to cuteness.

“Make it quickly? Those two had been lying for weeks. Weeks, Aden, weeks.” She glances at Lexa and Clarke, her eyes shining with fury. “I’ve never expected something like that coming from you, Lexa. Sadly, I’m not so surprised of Clarke. Clearly, she’s a bad influence.”

Clarke feels her cheeks getting hotter while she does nothing else besides biting her lip. Lexa seems to be worse than her. Although she has her usual stoic expression, she can’t look to Anya’s eyes. In her case, she isn’t only dealing with the embarrassment of being lectured, she’s also feeling guilty.

After Anya’s last comment, the silence in the kitchen grows tense until Raven starts chuckling. At first, the girl is subtle and covers her face, but as the seconds go by, she can’t control it. Anya nudges her and whispers something that only Raven can hear.

“Sorry,” she mutters before breaking into a laugh. “You two should have seen your faces.”

Anya sighs, but she doesn’t appear as upset as some seconds ago. “Raven, you were supposed to last an hour.”

The realization hits Clarke like a ton of bricks. She stares at the couple with wide eyes. “Anya… You aren’t mad…”

Grinning, the girl stops her act. “Not really, but I wanted my revenge. I don’t like that my little sister lied to me.”

Lexa lets out a quiet breath, relieved. “This was Raven’s idea, right?”

Still laughing, Raven offers her two thumbs up. “In my defense, I was joking when I proposed it. And I convinced Anya to only keep the act for an hour and not weeks.”

“And you said that Clarke is the bad influence?”

Aden, relieved as Lexa, smiles. “Honestly, I think that Raven is a worse influence than Clarke.”

It is possible to love even more that kid? Clarke is pretty sure that the answer is not. “And that’s why Aden is my favorite Lexa’s sibling.” She releases Lexa’s hand to pat his head affectionately.

**

“This isn’t over. I’ll get my revenge back.”

“Clarke, you shouldn’t revenger over someone’s revenge.”

Clarke ignores Lexa’s commentary. Yeah, she knows that her roommate is right, however, that doesn’t mean that she will listen to her.

Aden, Raven and Anya are long gone, but Anya has left behind her the effects of her revenge. She left as the winner and Clarke isn’t going to allow it.

“I’m serious, Lexa. We need to figurate something that she won’t expect.”

Not sharing her point of view, Lexa raises an eyebrow. Unlike Clarke, she isn’t upset or mad, in fact, she almost looks as if she’s having some fun. Carefully, she closes the book she was reading some moments ago. They had cleaned the kitchen and are now on the couch, Lexa reading and Clarke drawing. Or at least that’s what they were doing until Clarke has brought the topic of her revenge.

“Then she will want to avenge and, with Raven’s help, she could be terrible,” Lexa pointed. “Thank you, but no. I prefer letting things like this.”

Sometimes, when Lexa acts so mature, Clarke wonders if they have the same age. And, when that happens, Clarke can only feel a bit embarrassed by her childish nature.

“You aren’t funny,” she groans, aware that Lexa has won.

Not in a good mood to keep drawing, Clarke lets her notebook and pencil on the floor and leans down into Lexa. The brunette opens her arms immediately and hugs her, resting her chin on Clarke’s head.

“Maybe. Or maybe I lost too many times against Anya.”

That catches Clarke’s attention. Although she wants to see Lexa’s face, she’s too comfortable in their current position, so she just tightens her grip and closes her eyes. “Really? Did you two fought a lot?”

“Yeah, especially at the beginning. I wanted to be on my own, but Anya didn’t let me. And since she doesn’t have a lot of patience, everything turned on a fight. We get better with the years while we learned more about the other.”

Clarke hums, too sleepy to give a proper answer. Finally, she feels the fatigue of barely sleeping last night mixed with the emotional rollercoaster that caused Finn. It’s hard to believe all the things that happened in the last twenty-four hours. Although she still has to solve her issues with Finn and work her new relationship with Lexa, for a brief moment she realizes that she’s fine. Right now, she’s happy falling sleep in Lexa’s arms.

It only lasts a brief moment because, suddenly, Lexa’s phone starts buzzing. Clarke groans, but she doesn’t complain when she pushes herself from Lexa’s embrace, allowing her roommate to take her mobile.

Clarke doesn’t go very far; she just sits on the couch rubbing her hand on her face. She hopes that whoever has called has a good reason to do it. Meanwhile, Lexa, frowning, picks up the phone.

“Yes? Yeah, I’m Lexa.”

Lexa listens in silence, getting paler and widen her eyes. Her expression is enough to awaken Clarke, who leans down and places her hand on Lexa’s shoulder, waiting for an explanation.

“Okay, I’ll go.” Her voice is barely a whisper and Clarke can see her efforts of sounding normal. “Yeah, thanks for calling.”

She hangs on, but she doesn’t say anything. She just stares at her mobile screen, paler than ever.

“Lexa?” Clarke asks after some seconds. She’s fearing the worst, so the next question is one of the hardest she has ever done. “What happened?”

Lexa’s face is drained of color as she speaks, but her voice is emotionless. “Anya had a car accident. The three of them are in the hospital.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Sorry 😅


	31. At the hospital

Later, Lexa wouldn’t remember the moments after the call. Somehow, she finds herself in the hospital, sitting in the middle of an empty hallway without knowing how she arrived. She doesn’t care, she can only think in her family. In the possibility of losing them in the same way she lost Costia. Maybe she had already lost them and she doesn’t know it yet.

That simple thought causes her hands to start shaking and her vision becomes blurry. Even if Titus isn’t there, suddenly she can hear his voice lecturing that she’s weak, but she can’t control the fear growing inside of her. Lexa curls her fists, tightening her grip until her knuckles become white and she can feel her nails cutting her skin.

“Lex, don’t do that,” mutters Clarke, snaping Lexa back to reality, far from Titus’ words.

Lexa jerks her head toward Clarke, who is staring at her worried and a bit scared. Lexa hates seeing that expression on her face, her roommate shouldn’t be suffering for that.

“You should go back and have some sleep,” she whispers, quiet although they are alone in the hallway. Those are the first words she has said since the call.

For a second, Clarke looks hurt, but then, instead of following her advice, she leans down and places her hands over Lexa’s. “Do you want me to leave?”

Lexa shakes her head before she could think about it. Even if it’s shellfish, she wants Clarke there. Even if maybe Clarke should be away from her.

“Then, I’m not going anywhere,” Clarke promises, holding her hands until Lexa stops curling her fists.

Unable to hold down any longer, Lexa leans down her head to Clarke’s shoulder. Soon, her roommate releases her hands to wrap her arms around her, putting her as close as they can.

“I’m afraid.” The words spill from her lips before she can stop them. Admitting her feelings makes them more real just like the urge to cry.

“I know.” Clarke presses a kiss on the top of Lexa’s head. “But I also know that my mother works here and she has a good team. I can’t promise that everything will be fine, only that they are doing everything they can.”

“What if it’s not enough?”

She never hears Clarke’s answer. Instead of her gentle voice, what it comes is Titus’s cold voice. “You are pathetic.”

If it weren’t for the tension in Clarke’s body, Lexa would have thought that she was imagining him. But no, this time it’s real. Shaking, Lexa pulls her roommate away to look at the face of the man she hates and fears the most. He’s there, with his arms crossed and a glint of disappointment in his eyes.

Having him in front of her after all these years makes Lexa feel a child again. However, he doesn’t have the same effect on Clarke.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She demands, angry.

Titus barely looks at her, his eyes are fixed on Lexa. “This isn’t your business, so don’t interfere,” he dismisses her while he takes a step to be in front of her adopted daughter.

“Lexa, you shouldn’t be here crying, it’s okay if they die.”

“I wasn’t crying,” she replies as fast as she can. Her answer is a reflex, something she’s used to saying.

“What’s the problem if she was crying?” Snaps Clarke, standing up. “And how can you say that it’s okay if they die?”

Considering that the blonde has moved to be between them, Titus doesn’t have another option than answer her. “As I said, this isn’t your business, but if you insist, I will explain it. Crying it’s a waste of time and one of the worst weakness someone can have. A disciple of mine should be ashamed of being so emotional,” he lectures her, cold and indifferent.

With every word, Lexa feels that she becomes smaller. Titus is a giant with the power of destroying her. And Lexa only wants to stop listening to him, forget his lessons and his voice. Forget everything about him.

Luckily, now she isn’t alone.

“Bullshit!” Shouts Clarke, saying what Lexa has never been able to say. “Do you really believe those bullshits?”

“Yes, I do.” His voice is colder than a stone and lightly threatening. “And you should leave Lexa. Clearly, you are being a terrible influence.”

“I’m a terrible influence? I think you are confusing me with you.”

This time, it’s Titus’ who gets interrupted. 

“What’s happening here? This is a hospital.”

Surprised, Lexa turns to her right to see Abby coming toward them. Unlike the last time, she doesn’t have her conciliatory attitude, almost afraid of upsetting her daughter. No, now she is in her element, confident and upset. There’s a young man that seems also a doctor walking behind her, but all the eyes drop in Abby.

Still in front of Lexa to protect her from Titus, Clarke also turns her head toward her mother. “Mom,” she mutters in low voice before recovering her confidence. “How are they?”

Lexa looks at Abby’s face, so similar to Clarke’s. Although her eyes are brown and not blue, they are as honest as her daughter’s. Before the woman starts talking, Lexa already knows that not everything will be fine. She tries listening to Abby, but she can only understand half of her words.

“Aden is okay, only a bit bruised, but he’ll need to spend the night at the hospital, so we can monitor him,” explains the doctor. “About Raven, her life isn’t in danger, however, she has a spinal injury. In the best scenario, she’ll have a full recovery, but she might end up with partial or full paralysis on her left leg. We’ll know more tomorrow.”

Clarke lets a gasp while Lexa is still trying to find sense in the information. Her brain can only think that they are alive, they won’t die tonight. That thought lifts part of the weigh that was strangling her stomach.

“How is Anya?” Clarke asks as if she can read Lexa’s mind.

Abby and the young man exchange a look before the woman starts talking again carefully. “She broke her arm and two ribs, but the most serious damage is a concussion. She isn’t out of danger yet; the next twenty-four hours will be determinant.”

The woman keeps talking, answering some medical questions that Clarke asks her. Lexa doesn’t even try to understand them. Somewhere, Anya is fighting for her life and Lexa can’t do anything to help her. Maybe she’ll die tonight. The uncertainty is the worst scenario. Inside of her, the fear of losing Anya grows like a climbing plant, curling up in her lungs and heart. It causes a pain in her chest that wins against the small hope that Anya will have a full recovery.

Is hard to believe that everything will be fine when history is repeating. And the last time, it didn’t have a happy ending.

So focused on her fear, Lexa forgets that Titus is in the hallway until the man leans down, making her feel littler than she is. And this time, Clarke is too busy talking with the doctors to realize what’s happening.

“Lexa,” he calls her with his low and cold voice. “Remember what I taught you, love is weakness. You don’t have to be in pain. It’s useless.”

Lexa closes her eyes, too tired to fight him. It could be easy doing what he says, she had almost done it before. However, living that way isn’t living. And she won’t ever stop caring for Anya.

When Lexa opens her eyes, Titus is still in front of here, waiting for something. Maybe he thinks that she will say that he’s right. He doesn’t know that Lexa stopped believing in him so many years ago. She had never fully believed in him.

“You are wrong,” she mutters. Her voice isn’t as strong as she would like, in fact, it’s barely a whisper. But it’s everything she has right now. “You are wrong,” she repeats, a bit louder and looking at his eyes. “You are the weak one, Titus.”

For a brief moment, he loses his composure and grits his teeth. It happens so fast that Lexa isn’t sure it really had happened. Only a second later, he looks as calm as always.

“You are a disappointment. You and Anya are my biggest disappointments. You-”

“Have you finished?” Clarke interrupts him.

The man, aware that now Clarke and the two doctors are looking at him, just shakes his head. Although he doesn’t say anything, his expression is worse than any comment. Lexa needs all her will to look back at him without showing how hurt she is. 

Titus leaves as he came, in silence. Only when he’s completely gone, Lexa sighs, relieved. The weigh on her stomach remains there, though, remembering her that Anya’s life is in danger. Lexa takes a deep breath. She needs to be strong, not only for her but especially for Aden. She can’t tumble down. Not until she talks with her little brother.

“Lex, do you want to stay here tonight?” Clarke asks, softly, close to Lexa’s ear.

Lexa has spaced out or something because she hadn’t realized that Clarke is now sitting next to her and one of the doctors had left too. For some unknown reason, Abby has taken the place of Titus. Like him, she’s leaning down, but she isn’t threatening. She looks truly concerned.

“Lexa, honey, are you okay?” The doctor asks.

Even though Lexa wants to answer, the lump in her throat blocks any words she could muster. She swallows, but it’s useless.

Slowly, Abby leans down a little more and wraps her arms around Lexa, hugging her so softly that the girl has to blink back the tears forming in her eyes. The woman rubs circles on her back like Clarke does when Lexa awakens from a nightmare. Although Abby is a stranger, Lexa relaxes in her arms, wondering if her mother’s hugs felt like this one.

“Everything will be okay,” she mutters.

In other circumstances, Lexa would have protest saying that she cannot know. This time, however, she just closes her eyes and hopes that she’s right.

**

Clarke realizes that it’s morning because of the arrival of three young girls. After them, more people keep entering. Soon, the desert hallway is full of people, from nurses and doctors to patients and families. 

Lexa must realize it too because she stretches her arms and puts herself in a sitting position. They had spent all night there, Lexa half laying atop Clarke even if they had barely had some sleep. Clarke feels like shit and she’s sure that she looks as bad on the outside. Lexa, however, looks awfully normal. Her expression is completely guarded and, besides the black circles under her eyes, nobody could guess that she had spent the night in an uncomfortable chair of a hospital. And Clarke hates seeing her hiding behind a façade of indifference.

“Hey, should we go to the bathroom?” Clarke asks using a casual tone. Right now, she isn’t sure of the best way to talk with Lexa. “I don’t know you, but I need to pee.”

It isn’t that Clarke expected a lot, but the lack of Lexa’s response is, at least, concerning. After what Clarke felt like hours, Lexa nods and stands up, waiting for Clarke to lead the way. During the next minutes, Lexa doesn’t say a single word, not in the bathroom or in the coffee machine. She’s just… There, hiding her pain behind a mask of coolness.

With a necessary coffee in their bodies, they find Abby, who had ended her sift and can finally go home. The woman hugs them softly while she explains that Raven is still asleep, so they don’t have any news about her. What matters the most is that Anya had spent a good night, but it’s too soon and she isn’t out of danger yet. They can’t visit the two girls; however, Abby encourages them to go with Aden. Clarke feels excited for seeing the kid again, even if that means a possible encounter with Titus. Not even the perspective of seeing Aden is enough to gain a reaction from Lexa. In the end, Abby leaves them mirroring the concerned expression that her daughter has. 

Clarke bites her lip while she walks beside Lexa, hoping that at some point her roommate will show some emotion. But it isn’t the case. They arrive at the door of Aden’s room and Lexa still seems a robot.

“Okay, we need to talk,” says Clarke with her hand on the doorknob.

As if the metal is on fire, the girl releases it and turns to face Lexa. There’s nothing in her expression, not even surprise. The emptiness is worse than a hundred tears.

Determined, Clarke takes Lexa’s hand and pulls her along to the nearest bathroom. Luckily, it’s empty, so they can have some intimacy.

“Lexa, please, say something,” she pleads, squeezing her hand.

“Why? What’s wrong?” she asks. If she’s confused, she hides it very well.

“Are you seriously asking me what’s wrong? Everything is wrong! Anya is in a critical situation and it’s possible that Raven loses the mobility of one leg. You can’t act as if you don’t care!”

Lexa blinks, taken back. “I’m not pretending to be okay. I just need to be strong for Aden.”

“But ignoring your feelings isn’t being strong. And it isn’t healthy.”

Careful, Clarke raises her free hand and caresses Lexa’s cheek. The girl leans into the touch without averting her gaze. At some point, one of them, maybe both, had stepped closer. They are so close that Clarke can see Lexa’s eyes and her almost hidden pain. Almost. Maybe Lexa could deceive someone else, but not Clarke. And she won’t let her friend shut her emotions again.

Clarke takes a deep breath. She’s afraid to make things worse, but at least she needs to try. “You know, when Bellamy broke your frame, you just hide in your room,” she mutters, unsure if bringing back that memory is a good idea. “And I let you because I thought it was what you needed. But not this time.” Clarke swallows, trying to find the correct words. In front of her, Lexa seems to be freeze and doing an effort for keeping her mask on. “Lexa, you can’t shut down your emotions until one day you explode. Your feelings matter.”

“I can’t let Aden down,” she mutters, weakly.

“And do you think that if you show him that you are devastated, you’ll let him down? He isn’t Titus. You know what? I’ll probably cry when I see him and that’s okay. It’s okay.”

Lexa leans down until their foreheads are pressed against the other. She’s shaking, but even now is doing an effort to keep herself together.

“I’m afraid,” she whispers without remembering that they are the same words she muttered some hours ago.

“I know.” Clarke’s voice is broken. Unlike Lexa, she has started crying. “But you aren’t alone. I’m here for you.”

Lexa’s eyes are shining, and not only for the tears that won’t fall down. A sad smile settles over her face while she leans down a little more to place a chaste kiss on Clarke’s lips. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea about medical stuff in general and even less idea of medical stuff (like medical procedures) in English. Sorry if this isn't very accurate 😅


	32. Rest and resolutions

Aden lats one minute before he starts crying. Clarke sits down on his bed and hugs him, muttering words so low that Lexa can’t understand them.

At first, Lexa just stands there, feeling an intruder, until she remembers that she’s Aden’s older sister. Slowly, she moves closer and wraps her arms around both of them. She knows that it was the right move when Aden rests his head on her chest.

“It’s my fault,” babbles the kid, sobbing. “I was talking with Anya… I distracted her… And… I…”

“Hey, Aden,” Lexa calls him pulling herself away to look at him. Clarke moves to, but she lets her arm placed on his shoulders in a protective position. “This isn’t your fault; it was an accident. Nobody blames you.”

Remembering Clarke’s words, Lexa tries to show her emotions so the kid can see that she’s honest.

“But I…”

“No buts,” Clarke interrupts him. She manages to use a tone that it’s at the same time gentle and firm. “Car accidents happen all the time, for example, my parents had one when I was little. And in this case, the other driver was also distracted.”

Aden lifts his head and turns to Clarke with a terrified expression. “It’s he…”

“He’s okay,” she assures, quickly. “My mom told me that he was very lucky. He’s probably in his house now.”

For the next minutes, they hug Aden and repeat all the times the kid needs that they don’t blame him. Although Lexa would like to be there until the end and carry him to their apartment, that’s Titus' job. Thanks to Abby, they know that a doctor will come around nine to discharge Aden from the hospital, so probably Titus will come too at that hour. If it's legal that they have that information it's something that Lexa doesn’t want to think about. And she isn’t going to complain.

When the time to leave arrives, Lexa leans down and places a kiss on Aden’s forehead. She wants to say that she loves him, but that could sound too much as a goodbye. And she really hopes that they’ll see each other soon.

“We’ll keep in touch, okay? And don’t forget that you are always welcome in our apartment.” She manages to put a small smile on her face.

Aden nods while Clarke leans down too and gives one last hug.

“Take care, Aden.”

Once they are outside of Aden’s room, Clarke holds Lexa’s hand and squeezes it, sensing that she feels way worse than she appears. Lexa appreciates it more than she can show. Breaking her façade is difficult and very painful. She feels that she’s on the top of a building, one step and she will fall. And her emotions are pushing her to the corner. However, she knows that doing what she was doing before, ignore her emotions, won’t solve anything.

She’s so tired that she lets Clarke drag her without asking where they are going. Lexa wondered that they would go to visit Raven, but when the sunlight is so strong that she needs to blink several times, she realizes that they are outside the hospital.

“Clarke?” She asks, hoping that the girl understands all the questions she has.

The blonde turns to her, still holding her hand. She smiles a little with sadness. “We are going back to our apartment.”

“But Raven…”

“You need to rest, Lexa. Fuck, we need to rest. Right now, I would kill for a nap in my bed, but I’ll be content with a shower and changing my clothes to something more… presentable.” She gestures her old t-shirt and shorts. “So, you’ll sleep a little while I’ll visit Raven. Later, we exchange. Okay?”

Lexa isn’t okay. In fact, she has some arguments against that idea. However, she doesn’t have the energy to protest. So, maybe (only maybe), Clarke’s plan isn’t so bad idea.

“Lex?”

She has spaced out and Clarke is looking at her concerned. The blonde raises her free hand to caress Lexa’s cheek. Lexa closes her eyes and leans into her hand.

“Okay,” she mutters.

They walk in silence. At some point, Clarke releases her hand to wrap her arm around Lexa’s waist. That gesture, more than romantic, it seems concerned. It gives the sensation that Clarke fears that Lexa would fall if she doesn’t hold her. And she’s probably right.

After a while, Clarke breaks the silence. 

“There’s something I need to tell you,” she mutters, unsure. “Last night, my mother told me that Raven’s emergency contact is Anya. It seems that she doesn’t have any family here and they can’t contact anyone, so now we are her contacts. I hope you don’t mind…”

“Clarke, of course, I don’t mind,” she stops Clarke before she could continue rambling. “And if there’s something I could do for help; I would love to do it.”

Clarke smiles and it’s the most beautiful smile of the last hours.

They don’t talk again the rest of the way and Lexa loses track of the time, so she’s a bit surprised when she recognizes their street. They should have walked for twenty minutes, but she had felt them as ten. Like she has been doing since they left the hospital, she lets that Clarke pulls her along to their apartment. If Titus could see her, he would call her weak. Lexa prefers thinking that she’s just completely and utterly tired.

Once they are in the apartment, Lexa drags her feet to Clarke’s room. Although it’s further from the front door, she presages that she’ll be better there than in her own room. And, since Clarke doesn’t protest, Lexa takes her silence as an invitation.

The only thing that Lexa does before laying down on the bed is taking her sneakers off. Then, she just falls on the bed and curls up. Clarke sits down beside her and cares her head so softly that Lexa feels again the urge of crying.

Lexa captures her hand and rubs her thumb on the back of Clarke’s hand. There’s too much she wants to say, but she doesn’t find the words. Maybe, she could summarize it with ‘I love you’. However, it isn’t the moment. Not yet. Instead, she mutters a weak “Thanks.”

Clarke leans down and kisses her cheek. “Always,” she whispers. Maybe she senses that ‘always’ is too heavy as a promise because she moves away. “By the way, I called Octavia. She’ll come in ten or fifteen minutes.”

Lexa just nods, missing the heat of Clarke’s hand. However, it’s shellfish wishing to have her when she isn’t giving her anything in return.

**

The shower brings Clarke to life again. Yeah, she’s still tired, she has a headache and her back hurts, but at least now she’s more awake and cleaner.

She waits for Octavia in her room watching Lexa sleep. A part of her would love to lay down next to her, hug her and fall asleep. However, the other part of her can’t wait to go back to the hospital to see Raven. Clarke can’t imagine how she’s feeling; alone, injure and without news of Anya.

Lexa is sleeping so deeply that she doesn’t react when someone knocks the front door. Unlike her, Clarke stands up and, after placing a soft kiss on her (kind of) girlfriend’s cheek, she leaves the room, closing the door as silently as she can. Clarke walks through the hallway until the front door. The moment she opens the door, Octavia jumps to her arms and hugs her.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe they are in the hospital. Do you have any news? How are you? And Lexa?”

Although Octavia’s hug is suffocating, for once Clarke lets her. Even if she feels that her friend will crush her ribs, it’s also comforting. “No, I don’t have any news. I mean, it’s too early to know something. About Lexa… She’s doing her best, but I’m worried. So… Thanks for coming. I couldn’t leave her alone and she needs some rest.”

“You don’t have to thank me, she’s my friend. It’s the less I can do.”

Clarke nods on her friend’s shoulder. They remain like that for some seconds, almost a minute, before Octavia finally releases her.

“Give Raven a hug like this from my part, okay?”

“Octavia, if I give a hug like this, she’ll probably die. And then, she’ll kill me.”

The brunette chuckles and, for a moment, it seems that is a normal day. It doesn’t last too much, but it’s enough to Clarke. She leans down and kisses her friend’s cheek.

“Can you text me when Lexa wakes up?”

“Of course. I’ll probably go with her to the hospital. I don’t know if before or after lunch. Today is… a strange day.”

Clarke nods. Indeed, it’s a strange day.

**

Clarke enters the hospital room worried that it isn’t the right room. Luckily, her fears aren’t justified. There are two beds and two reclining chairs. In the first, there’s a woman talking with a young man that it’s probably her son. In the other bed, the nearest to the window, Raven is looking at the ceiling.

Without knowing what she would say first, Clarke walks slowly and sits down on the corner of Raven’s bed, leaving her some space but close enough to hug her if the other girl wants.

“Hey, Raven,” she whispers, softly.

The girl turns her head toward her. Her eyes widen when she recognizes her. Clearly, she wasn’t expecting her.

“Clarke? What are you doing here?” She asks whispering too to not bother the other patient of the room.

“Well… I came to see you… Should I leave?”

“No!” Raven shakes her head. “I… Joder, I’m just surprised. I didn’t think that someone would visit me.” 

“What? We are friends, of course, I was going to come. And if Lexa isn’t here too it’s because she needs to sleep a little. She’ll come later, probably with Octavia.” Clarke leans down to grab her hand. “You are our friend, Raven.”

Raven blinks, but it’s too late and there are tears on the corner of her eyes. She wipes her face with her hand, embarrassed. Clarke turns her head to her right, giving her some space without releasing her hand.

“Thanks for coming,” Raven mutters after some minutes. “This is so recent that sometimes I forget that I have good friends,” she sighs. “You know, my life has always been a mess. I never met my father and my mother was always drunk. For years, the only good person in my life was Finn. And then… His parents decided to move away, leaving me alone with my awful mother.”

Sensing that Raven isn’t done yet, Clarke squeezes her hand as a reminder that she’s there, listening in silence.

“I was so happy when I found a job here,” she continues. Although her voice is barely a whisper, the sadness it’s audible. “I thought that finally things were going to be fine. And then I met you and discovered that he cheated on me for more than a year. While he was everything to me, he never mentioned me.” She smiles without joy. “I felt stupid for coming here, but I didn’t come back because I didn’t have anything that was worth there.”

Raven shakes her head and, somehow, her smile turns warner. “I really believed that nothing good will ever happen. It’s funny that thanks to Finn, I met Anya. And god, I love her more than I thought. Then, I met you, and Lexa, and Octavia… And my life was better than ever. But nothing lasts forever, right?”

Clarke shivers. She was lucky to have born with two parents who loved her and support her and met since she was a kid good friends like Wells. Besides, Finn wasn’t so important to her. Her situation isn’t like Raven; however, she can relate to that feeling.

“I…” Clarke hesitates, trying to find the words. “When my father died, I thought I would never be happy again.” In front of her, Raven stares at her, her eyes shining for the tears. “I was wrong, even if I needed a lot of time to understand it. I don’t know if Anya… I don’t know how she will be, and I can’t make any promise for Lexa or Octavia. However, what I can promise is that I’m not going anywhere as long as you want me close. Not everything is going to end, okay?”

Slowly, Raven nods. Clarke can’t take it anymore and leans down, wrapping her arms around her in a needed hug. Raven hides her face on Clarke’s shoulder. They stay like that for some minutes, both of them sobbing and neither wanting to let the other go.

“After everything,” mutters Raven at some point. “What I regret the most is dating Finn. I fucking miss him as my friend. I…” She trails. “I wish he was here.”

“Raven…”

“Yeah, I know, it’s stupid,” she pushes herself away to wipe her face.

“That’s not what I was going to say,” she mutters, gently. “I think it’s normal and I’m not going to judge you.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going anywhere soon,” she gestures her leg with a bittersweet smile.

Clarke almost facepalm herself. She feels stupid for not asking Raven how she was, it should have been her first question.

“How is it?” She asks, pointing Raven’s left leg. “Can you…” She trails, unsure of which is the right word.

“Move it? Feel something? Yeah, a little. The doctor said that it’s a good sign, it means that it isn’t a full paralysis. In an hour they are going to make me another test. X-ray, I think.”

“Then, lucky you that there’s a medicine student with you.” She nudges her elbow gently against Raven’s ribs.

“Yeah.” Raven smiles and, although the smile reaches her eyes, there’s still sadness in them as if she doesn’t fully believe her. Or she’s afraid that Clarke will leave her too. 

“Thanks.”

The blonde smiles too, nodding a bit absent. Forty minutes later, when the doctor arrives, Clarke helps Raven to sit in a wheelchair and goes with her. She wades the girl with a fond smile before the doctor takes her to make the radiography.

In the waiting room, Clarke places her chin on the palm of her hand. Now that she’s alone, she starts working on the plan that had come to her mind while she talked with Raven. The plan grows up, unstoppable.

Later, she’ll go to talk with Finn. And she’ll bring him to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd planned some bonding scenes between Raven and Clarke, but I didn't think they'd arrive so late. Better late than never, right? 😂


	33. All that matters

Raven’s results of her X-ray are even better than Clarke had anticipated. Although she hadn’t studied how to interpret these kinds of results in the career yet, she understands the doctor’s explanations and the good news. Raven, however, has more difficulties.

Back in Raven’s room, the girl stares at the doctor furrowing as if she couldn’t believe what she is listening to. “So… It means that after months of rehabilitation maybe I can walk again as before?”

The doctor, a man around forty years with a big smile, nods. “It’s also possible that you’ll have a little limp, but I’m very positive about you.”

Once the doctor leaves, Clarke sits on the corner of the bed. Her smile dissolves into a concerned look when she realizes that Raven seems less enthusiastic than Clarke with the news.

“Raven? Aren’t you happy?” She asks, nervous. Of all the possible scenarios, Raven has been lucky, but that doesn’t mean that is perfect.

Raven shakes her head, averting her gaze. “Yeah, I’m happy. It’s just…” She sighs. “My first thought was that I wanted to tell Anya until I remembered that… I can’t.” 

After all the times that she had cried since they received the hospital’s call, Clarke thought that she didn’t have more tears. She’s completely and utterly wrong. She makes a useless effort and some minutes later, both of them are sobbing in the arms of the other. It seems that crying one time together makes it easier to cry again. 

And that’s how they find them.

Crying too loudly, Clarke doesn’t hear the footsteps getting closer to them or that someone had opened the door. She only releases Raven and turns around when she listens to Octavia’s gasp. Snuggled in the small space between the two beds of the room, Lexa, Octavia and Lincoln stare at them with different aghast looks. Lexa is the calmest, but knowing her, it doesn’t mean that she is.

“Fuck,” Octavia groans. “Did you talk with a doctor? Do you have bad news?”

Raven blinks several times, maybe thinking that she’s having a hallucination. “Clarke, do you see them too?” She whispers.

“I think so...”

“Can someone give us a proper answer?!” Octavia protests, crossing her arms. Beside her, Lincoln nods, nervous.

It isn’t Octavia’s protest what snaps Clarke back to reality, though. It’s Lexa’s deep gaze focused on her.

“Ugh, sorry, we weren’t expecting you so soon. The doctor came earlier and said that everything is fine. Well, as fine as can be with an injury in the spinal injury.”

Octavia shakes her head with a relieved smile. “You could have started with that!” She sits down on the bed and hugs Raven more softly than her usual hugs. “We were sick worried.”

While an overwhelmed Raven reciprocates the hug, Clarke gives her a look of ‘I told you, you are our friend’.

**

When Octavia proposed having lunch in the hospital, Lexa didn’t think that she meant bringing food to Raven’s room to eat on the floor. Surprisingly, it surpassed Lexa’s expectations. They were pretty low, but, either way, the lunch was nice. And, obviously, the food that they bought in the supermarket in their way was better than the hospital’s food. 

Some minutes after they finished, Lexa realized that Clarke had problems keeping her eyes open. Knowing her recommendation of taking a nap had been what Lexa needed, she pointed it. Soon, Raven and Octavia persuaded Clarke to take a short nap in Raven’s bed. After ten long minutes of useless arguments, Clarke gave up.

With Clarke laying in a side of the bed and Raven sitting in the other, somehow Octavia found a little corner close to Raven’s foot and sat there. Lexa, the only one who doubted that it was a good idea to have four people in a hospital bed, took the reclining chair. Meanwhile, Lincoln remained on his foot until he left them to work.

Now, a couple of hours later, Lexa finally feels that she has her usual calm mood back. Deep down, she’s still afraid of the call she’ll get at some point in the afternoon or the night about Anya. However, she isn’t as bad as she had been the previous night and part of the morning.

With the sound in the background of a conversation between Raven, Octavia and the other patient of the room, Lexa leans down and places her hand over’s Clarke. The blonde, deep sleep doesn’t react. Lexa, knowing that nobody is looking at her, smiles, tender.

The call from the hospital, the car accident, the wait… Everything has reminded her of what happened a year ago with Costia. But, although the similitudes, this time is different thanks to Clarke. This time, Lexa hasn’t hidden in her room for days and, even if happens the worst, she won’t repeat it. Isolating herself didn’t help her, neither following Titus’ attitude of shouting back her emotions.

Slowly, Lexa leans down a little more to rest her head in the bed some inches away from Clarke’s, still holding her hand. For some reason, being there with Clarke and her friends, she feels for the first time in more than a year, capable of doing something she’s been delaying. Something she should have done months ago.

“Soon,” she promises, whispering so low that nobody can hear her. However, saying it out loud makes it more real.

**

For one thing or another, they spend all afternoon in the hospital until nine when it ends the visiting hours. Octavia decides to stay the night there to help Raven. At first, Raven protests, not wanting to be a burden, but when Octavia has an idea, it’s impossible to change her mind. Besides, all of them are aware that right now Raven can barely move one of her legs and she would be better with a little help. 

Lexa, though she doesn’t say anything, is relieved to know that Raven won’t be alone. In other circumstances, she would have offered herself, but between the three of them, Octavia is the less tired.

Clarke and Lexa pick up their things and, after a promise to come back tomorrow morning, they get ready to go. However, when they are on the door, this is opened and Lexa finds herself face to face with Abby.

“Mom?” Clarke asks, making that all the attention falls into the woman. “What are you doing here?”

“I knew that you two would be there,” she explains, smiling. 

Lexa observes the woman with a knot in her throat. There’s only one reason that could explain that Abby is there. And she’s smiling, her eyes sparkling with joy. That only can mean one thing… Right?

Her heart is pounding so fast that Lexa almost misses Abby’s next words. But she hears them. She’s listening when the doctor says that Anya is fine, she’s going to live.

Anya is alive.

And that’s all that matters right now.

**

Clarke observes how Lexa relaxes bit by bit. In the hospital, the girl had showed a cold attitude, unlike Raven, who tried to jump out of her bed. Not even when Abby told them that they could see Anya the next morning or that she’ll probably won’t have aftermath, Lexa broke her masc. Clarke didn’t push her to do it, aware that what Lexa needed was being alone.

As she expected, Lexa slowly changes her behaviour once they arrive at their apartment. On the security of that place, the brunette wears a dopey smile unusual on her. She eats the pizza they had ordered with appetite and answers to Clarke’s jokes.

However, not everything goes as easily as Clarke wanted. And hour later, there’s still something off, something that Clarke can’t identify. So, she waits, wishing that Lexa will open up her heart. And, when she doesn’t receive any explanation, she decides to be the first to talk. After all, there’s a discussion she wants to have.

With the kitchen clean and both in their pyjamas, Clarke sits down on her bed and lets the lights on. Lexa, understanding her intentions, imitates her and sits in front of her. Both of them have their knees drawn up, so close to each other that they are brushing.

“This morning I talked with Raven,” Clarke starts, staring at Lexa’s eyes to watch closely her reaction. “She mentioned that she missed Finn. Also, that she would love to see him.

So… tomorrow I’ll go to his apartment.”

Lexa furrows her brow. She’s more confused than angry. “Why would she want to see him after what he did?” She finally asks after some hesitation.

“They’re childhood friends, he’s like her family. Although Finn is a jerk, he’s important to her.”

“And are you sure that he will…?” She trails for a moment. “Behave?”

Neither of them misses that that wasn’t the word that Lexa wanted to use. Clarke can’t complain, Finn didn’t let a good impression.

“If I’m honest, no, I’m not completely sure. But it’s what Raven wants, so at least I’ll try to talk with him. Besides, I’ve never had the chance to told him some things. I guess I won’t say that Raven is in the hospital if he keeps acting as a toddler.” She sighs, already tired. She doesn’t have a lot of faith on him.

Lexa meditates in silence for almost a minute. Although her eyes are fixed on Clarke, she doesn’t seem to be looking at her. “Okay, I think it could work. You are very good talking with people and, even if it doesn’t work, it still could be good for you. Do you want me to go with you?” 

“Wait. What? Do you really think that it could work?”

The brunette nods. “Even if I don’t like him, if you dated him he probably has some good fhuew. So, I like to think that deep down he cares about Raven. And maybe you can manage to throw him from his victimization.”

Clarke was ready to receive some criticism, not for having so easily Lexa’s support. “Fuck, I love you so much.” The words spill from her lips before she could stop them. And it feels heavy, especially because she really means it. “You are the best,” she adds to make it more casual.

For the pink tinge in Lexa’s cheeks, Clarke hasn’t been very successful in her attempt of making it casual. Lexa looks at her with a mesmerised expression and her lips slightly open as if she wants to say something. However, the silence settles over them.

“Do you really want to come with me?” Clarke asks, changing the topic and breaking the embarrassed silence.

Lexa nods, relieved and tries to mask the pain in her eyes that Clarke catches anyway. She swallows, smirking. “Of course. I can go as your moral support or to punch Finn”

Clarke smirks too for the unexpected joke. The last topic hangs between them, both aware that they’ll have to talk at some point, but Clarke decides to let it to other day. “I wouldn’t say no to both.”

“Then, I’ll be ready. When are you planning to go?”

“I don’t know. I talked with Monty and he said that Finn will be in their house all day, so we can go when we want. Maybe at some point of the afternoon? Or before lunch?” She shakes her head, rejecting her ideas. “Honestly, those last days are being so chaotic that I prefer not making any plan. It’s better if we just go when we have time.”

“Okay, sounds good for me,” she agrees, nodding.

Then, there’s that silence again while Lexa struggles with something. Again, Clarke waits. However, this time she’s determined to not break the silence. Although she’s afraid of what Lexa is going to tell her, there’s nothing she can do besides waiting.

Finally, after almost two minutes, Lexa takes a breath and raises a little her head. “You know, Anya’s arm is broken and Raven has some paralysis on her leg.” This start isn’t what Clarke expected, but it’s a start. “Considering that, I think that it’s going to be hard for them to live on their own once they are out of the hospital. So… I thought that we could ask them to come with us, at least some weeks. And only if you are fine with that,” she quickly assures, uncertain. “I could understand if you don’t like…” she trails, gasping for air.

Clarke crawls toward Lexa and sits closer to her, grabbing her trembling hands. “Hey, Lexa, calm down,” she pleads, worried when she realizes that Lexa have problems breathing.

“I can’t,” she babbles, tears springing up in her eyes. “Anya almost dies. She and Aden are my only family… And… I…”

Clarke briefly wonders if Lexa is having a panic attack. That possibility snaps her into action, feeling stupid for not having react faster. She releases Lexa’s hands in order to cup her cheeks, turning Lexa’s face to her.

“Lexa, it’s okay. Anya is fine.”

“She could...”

“But she didn’t,” she interrupts her, firm. “It’s useless thinking about what could have happened. What really matters is what actually occurred. Okay?”

Slowly, Lexa nods. Incredibly, she manages to stop her tears before she could start crying. Clarke feels her heart ache for Lexa’s effort. Although they are alone, in the place Lexa feels safer, she stills tries to hold herself back.

When Lexa is calmer, Clarke lowers her hands from Lexa’s cheeks to her back, pulling the brunette into her embrace. A second later, Lexa curls up into her, hiding her face on Clarke’s chest and grapping her arms around her waist in a now familiar position. 

“I’m sorry,” Lexa mutters after a while. “I don’t know why I reacted like that.”

Clarke is pretty sure that both know the reason, however, she doesn’t want to talk in detail.

“I guess you needed it, so there’s no need to be sorry,” she assures, placing a soft kiss on the top of Lexa’s head. They stay in that position some minutes until Lexa’s breathing is back to normal and her body is less tense. “By the way, I think that having Raven and Anya here could be a good idea. I have no clue how you will convince them, though.”

Lexa giggles against Clarke’s chest. “Actually, I was hopping you’d help me to talk with Raven.”

“Humm, I can manage Raven. Otherwise, Anya…”

“Yeah, she’ll be difficult. She’s worse than me.”

Although Lexa couldn’t see her, Clarke nods, agreeing. She closes her eyes, feeling sleepy after a long day. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. She’s about to fall sleep when she remembers that the lights are on. She can sleep with that light, but not with the future bills.

Groaning, she pushes Lexa away and stands up, cursing under her breath. The moment she’s back on the bed, she feels Lexa curling into her embrace.

“Thanks,” Lexa mutters.

Clarke stops before saying that she hasn’t done anything. That’s not what Lexa thinks. “Your welcome,” she whispers, instead. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Really fine.”


	34. Get over it

“Hey, Anya,” Lexa says, softly.

It’s the first time she sees Anya so… fragile. She’s pale, with heavy bags under her eyes and, for the way she’s laying on the bed, it gives the impression that she can’t even be in a sitting position. Except for her right arm plaster, her wounds aren’t visible. The only sight of the concussion is that someone had cut part of her hair and a bandage in that zone. 

Anya looks so broken that Lexa has the urge of crying again, however, when the blonde turns her head to her, her eyes are as fiercely as ever.

“Hey,” she mutters with a raspy voice.

Lexa holds on until she realizes that there isn’t any need to not show how much she loves her. There are in the Intensive Care Unit, it isn’t a place where someone like Titus would judge her. And even if they were, she doesn’t want to care anymore.

Careful to not hurt her, Lexa sits on the corner of the bed and leans down to hug her. She rests her head on her sister’s chest and closes her eyes. For a moment, she only listens to Anya’s heartbeat and the whistles of the machines she’s connected with different electrodes. Those machines show some numbers that Lexa can’t understand and sadly Clarke isn’t there to explain the meaning.

“You really scare us,” Lexa whispers. “I was so…” She trails, unable to find the words.

Anya seems to understand her because, awkwardly, she raises her hand and taps Lexa’s back. They really should hug more often.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

For the next minutes, Lexa just stays there with her eyes close. They remain in silence, the only sound coming from the machines, the nurses that work on the ICU and Anya’s heartbeat.

“Titus came to the hospital to see Aden,” Lexa mutters after a while. Anya’s body immediately tenses in a very familiar reaction. “Clarke basically told him to fuck of.”

As fast as it came, the tension leaves Anya’s body and the girl chuckles. “Fuck, I can’t believe I missed it.”

Nodding, Lexa sits up. Anya is smiling, although she can’t hide that she’s a bit worried. “Clarke was very helpful. You were right when you called her blondie angel.”

Anya tries to suppress her giggles, placing her good hand on her chest. “As much as I love hearing that I’m right, please, don’t make me laugh.”

“I’ll have it in mind.” She takes a breath, aware that she has to talk about a lot of things with her. “You haven’t asked me about Raven or Aden.”

Surprisingly, Anya’s smile doesn’t disappear. It changes into a saddest one, but it’s still there. “This morning Clarke’s mom visit me,” she says as an explanation. “Your mother in law is pretty nice.”

Lexa couldn’t stop the furious blush that runs up her neck, coloring her cheeks in bright red. “She’s not… I mean, Clarke and I aren’t…”

Seeing how she struggles, Anya’s smile grow widen. Although Lexa had the intention to make Anya feeling better, she hasn’t thought that it would be because Anya is embarrassing her. However, Lexa can’t protest. After all, it’s impossible that Anya isn’t wondering why Raven hasn’t come to visit her. And Lexa can only entertain her while the Raven takes her time to make her appearance.

“Relax Lexa, I was kidding.”

“Sorry, I’m not used to your jokes,” she replies, trying to regain her composure and pride. 

Anya half shrugs, or at least she makes something that looks like a shrug. Between the broken arm the ribs, it’s a good try. It also gives Lexa more reasons to convince Anya to come to live with her for the first weeks. There’s no way that she’ll let Anya on her own. Sadly, there’s no way that Anya will easily agree. No matter how many arguments Lexa has, her sister would refuse her help, too used of being the one that helps her family and not the other way around.

When Lexa is wondering if it will be easier to convince Raven than Anya and maybe they should start with her, the girl enters the ICU as if she had been attracted by thinking about her. For being someone that had been lying in bed or carried in a wheelchair, Raven moves incredibly fast and gracefully with her crutches. She’s wearing the ugly blue clothes of the hospital, but Clarke had made a good job brushing her hair and her smile is so bright that she’s beautiful.

Anya’s expression changes when she sees her girlfriend. Lexa knows her so good to bet that Anya is breathless and her eyes glow more than usual. “Raven,” she mutters, unable to avert her gaze.

Lexa stands up, leaving the chair to Raven, who accepts it without saying anything. Like Anya, she only has eyes to her girlfriend. Lexa takes a step back, letting some intimacy to their reunion. She dedicates the next minutes to happily observe them. It’s the first time that she had seen Anya so comfortable with someone outside their little family. And Raven seems equally comfortable.

While the couple talks with hushed voices, Lexa slips her hand into the pocket and grabs her mobile. She sends a short message to Clarke saying that everything is alright with Anya. After peering one more time to them, she sends another message agreeing to go to Finn’s apartment when the visiting hour ends.

**

Clarke takes a deep breath, more anxious than she thought she would be. Next to her, Lexa grabs her hand, sensing her nerves. 

“Everything will be okay,” Clarke mutters to herself. She needs to be convinced.

Lexa doesn’t say anything, she just squeezes her hand, giving her the courage to take the few steps to arrive at Monty, Jasper and Finn’s apartment. Monty has his back against the front door of the building, waiting for them with his nose at some centimeters of his mobile. When they are close to him, he raises his head and wades them.

For a moment, the three of them exchange a look, neither of them knowing how to break the awkward silence. Although Monty smiles, he’s nervous and not so sure as the last time they talked. Clarke can’t judge him, after all, the boy is trying to help her and Finn at the same time. It isn’t easy to be on the two sides without making someone angry, and maybe Finn won’t have a good reaction.

“Thanks,” Clarke says.

He shakes his head with a sad smile. “Thanks to you for coming. I hope that you can… You know, snap him back to himself.”

With nothing else to say, Monty opens the front door and leads the way. Clarke feels nauseous while they go upstairs to the first floor. Monty and Jasper moved to that flat two years ago and Clarke can’t count all the times she’s been there. She has even slept there a dozen times after different parties. Now, however, it doesn’t feel like the safe place it used to be. Jasper won’t greet her with his wide smile and a drink in his hand. And Finn…

When Monty opens the door, the memories hit her even harder. Unconsciously, she tights the grip of Lexa’s hand. No matter how much she wants to run away, she can’t back out now.

“Monty? Why are you back so soon?” Jasper asks, yelling, probably from his bedroom.

“I…” He trails, unsure. “I didn’t come alone. We have a visit.”

“What?”

He doesn’t give him a proper explanation. Instead, he keeps walking to the guest room. They are greeted by a strong smell of alcohol when Monty opens the door. The room stinks a mix of vomit, alcohol and past meals. Clarke’s first instinct is to step back, but she manages to only cover her nose. She feels a spark of pity for Finn that only lasts some seconds.

“Clarke?” Jasper’s voice sounds far from her even if now he’s also in the hallway. “What are you doing here?”

Ignoring him, Clarke enters Finn’s room, tugging Lexa with her. The room is in complete darkness; however, Clarke has been there enough times to move without worrying. She takes four steps to the right until her hand reaches the window. Then, she rolls up the blinds while Lexa, with more difficulties than her, opens the window.

With more light, Clarke checks that the room is messier than she imagined. In his bed, Finn blinks, awakened for the unexpected change. He looks at them and then to the window before he rubs his eyes, probably wondering if it’s a dream. But it isn’t and Clarke’s pity had turned into anger.

“Get up,” Clarke hisses. “Now.”

Although Jasper protests from a safe place in the frame of the door, Clarke’s tone is useful and Finn listens to her, still with a confused expression. He tries to stand up, failing a second later to end sitting on his bed. At least, he seems sober.

“Why are you here?” He asks with a raspy voice for the sleep. His expression dissolves into a somewhat content look. “Are you here for me?”

Clarke wonders if Finn is really sober, too sleepy or blind because Lexa continues next to her holding her hand. Maybe Finn is just stupid. Whatever the reason is, for the first time since the breakout, she doesn’t feel overpowered by him. The remnants of her love are gone. Like her patient.

“Finn, it’s been a fucking month. How long are you planning to be locked in your room or drinking in a bar? All August too? September when you have to go back to the Uni?”

Maybe is her sharp tone or that he finally had registered Lexa’s presence, but Finn narrows his eyes. He isn’t smiling anymore.

“Why do you care?”

“I don’t know, maybe because I’m sick of having Jasper asking me to go back with you.” She can see with the corner of her eye how the boy lowers his head, ashamed. “Or not be able to hang with Monty as always. Or maybe I’m not a piece of shit like you and I still care about you.”

“Then, why haven’t you forgiven me?” He sounds angry, but behind the anger, there’s a plead. “We can go back…”

“We’re over, Finn,” she interrupts him. “Get over it.”

“That’s easy for you!” He yells, finally standing up. “You found a girlfriend a week after we breakout!”

“Easy?” She fills all her anger in one word. “Easy for me? You lied for years and I only found it because Raven showed by surprise. I was heartbroken, Finn. I went back to live with my mom though I hate being there. I was locked in my room for three fucking days. One night I got so drunk that I couldn’t even reach my room,” she pauses to take a shaky breath. Her hands are trembling, but the touch of Lexa’s is comforting and pushes her to continue. “Bell was out of the city, I had a stupid fight with O, Monty only sent me a few messages and Jasper ignored me. I just had Wells when the only thing I wanted was talking with you.”

In front of her, Finn is stunned. His expression can only be read as surprised. Did he really never think how much he hurt her? Did he really think that she was okay?

“You know what pisses me off the most? Your attitude,” she continues, spilling all the hate she didn’t know she had inside of her. “You act as if you are the victim when you screwed everything. And not only with me, but also with Raven. She’s amazing and you treated like shit. Honestly, I can’t understand why she stills want to be your friend.”

Her last words fall in the room, seating a tense silence. Jasper, still in the frame of the door, has a guilty expression that gives her hope that he finally understands her. Finn, however, has a strange expression that Clarke can’t fully read. She wishes that he won’t start arguing about who had it worst. She feels empty after her outburst. Suddenly, she can’t find her anger. She’s just… tired and sad for not being understood by the boy that once was her friend.

“So…” Finn mutters after almost a minute in silence. “You are here for Raven?”

“Really?” She asks in disbelief. “Were you listening?”

“Yes, Clarke. I listen that you care more about her…”

“Are you fucking stupid?!” She snaps, more frustrated than angry. “You cheated on me, but you still act like the victim. And yes, right now I care more about Raven. She’s in the hospital and she may not walk again as before.”

Too late, Clarke realizes that she didn’t plan to tell that part to Finn. Stunned, the boy steps back, hitting his legs against the bed and falling there.

“What?”

“What I said, Finn,” she sighs. “Raven was in a car accident. And for some miracle, she stills wants to see you. Honestly, I don’t get it, but that’s why I’m here.”

Her frustration grows as Finn observes her in silence, his mouth comically open. She's glad for coming, for saying how she felt, but the frustration doesn't let her be satisfied with this moment. If only Finn could understand...

Still holding Clarke’s hand, Lexa takes one step toward Finn. She was in silence all the time, so was easy to forget that she’s there, but she is. In some way, she has been next to her since the beginning.

“I don’t like you, Finn, and you don’t like me,” she starts with a low and calm tone. She isn’t insulting him, just clarifying a fact. “If it were for me, I’d never see you again and, honestly, I think that Clarke is tired of you too.” Clarke nods, corroborating her words. “However, Raven considers you her friend. And now that’s on you. You screwed everything with her and it would be comprehensive that she doesn’t want to know about you again. But it isn’t the case and she’s giving you the change to fix your friendship.”

Finn opens and closes his mouth two times before he finally finds the words. “What’s the point if we are only friends?”

“That’s better than nothing.” She squeezes Clarke’s hand. “A year ago, my girlfriend died,” she says, lowering even more her voice. Clarke stares at her surprised, knowing how hard is for Lexa to talk about that. “And you know what? I’d love to be in your situation. I’d prefer her hate or not be able to see her again than knowing that she’s dead.” She shakes her head and steps back to be at Clarke’s side. “You have a chance that you don’t deserve, so don’t waste it.”

**

“That was…”

“Cathartic,” Clarke ends with a smile that turns into a laugh. They are back on the street, far from the suffocating room. “Wow, I feel great. If I knew that yelling at Finn would make me feel so good, I’d have done it before.”

She expected being reproached by Lexa. Instead, the girl looks at her with a fond smile.

“Then, I’m glad we came.”

Clarke pulls Lexa into her embrace, happy to be able to do it without any reason. “Thanks for being with me,” she mutters next to Lexa’s ear. “And thanks for talking with Finn, I know it wasn’t easy for you, but it was nice. Even if he didn’t deserve it.”

“I didn’t do it for him,” she mutters with a tinge of embarrassment in her voice. “When… When Costia died I pretended I was okay. I didn’t talk with anybody about it. It’s stupid, but I thought that eventually the pain would disappear if I ignored it. I was wrong,” she adds, lower. “And I need to stop pretending.”

Gently, Lexa places her hands on Clarke’s shoulders, pulling her away. Clarke lets her hands on the brunette waist, unable to break their contact.

It’s obvious for the way Lexa bits her lip that she’s having problems finding her next words. When she finds them, though, she looks certain. “I need your help to do something.”

“I’d love to help you.”


	35. I miss her

Although the optimism she had after leaving the boys’ apartment, now that they are back on their own, Lexa feels her confidence stumbling. It was easier making that decision far from there, but Lexa is stubborn. And she won’t back out.

Just like Lexa held Clarke’s hand in their visit to Finn, now is Clarke who holds her hand. If Lexa wouldn’t have a lump in her throat, she’d thank her. However, she can’t find her voice.

After taking a shaky breath, Lexa leads the way to Costia’s old room. Lexa raises her free hand and places it on the latch. She feels the cold metal under her fingers. The movement should be easy, but her hand doesn’t move.

Lexa turns her head to Clarke. She doesn’t say the “I can’t do it” that she’s thinking, but her girlfriend sees clearly through her tension.

“It’s okay, Lexa. We have all the time you need.”

She knows that Clarke is right, they have time. But she had wasted too much. And maybe she would be able to say “I love you back” if she had opened the dam door before.

When Lexa opens the door, she does it for Clarke’s shake, but also for her own.

Entering the room is like going back to the past. Everything it’s the same, but dusty. It’s like seeing a distorted version of her room and her first thought is that Costia would have hated it.

She enters the room taking uncertain steps. Unconsciously, she moves closer to the window. Finn’s room stunk for the alcohol, vomits and low care. Costia’s also stunk but in a different way. It’s evident that nobody had ventilated the room in a year and the smell is because of being close. It’s disturbing.

Only when Lexa opens the window and takes a breath of clean air, she realizes that it smells like death. And Costia, the girl who loved wearing colorful t-shirts and watch comedies, would hate it.

Lexa takes a full look at the room. The desk is covered for papers, some books and folders of the university, Costia’s notes of her last exams that she was going to classify before starting the second year of psychology. Next to them, they're also a book that she had borrowed from Lexa and never returned it. In fact, Lexa doesn’t want to know how many of her own clothes are on Costia’s wardrobe. 

“I…” Lexa swallows, struggling to talk. “I want to clean it,” she finally admits. “Besides, if we convinced Raven and Anya to come to live with us, we’ll probably need all the rooms. It’s just… I don’t know how to start.”

Should she start with the wardrobe? The desk? Or maybe with the shelves? And what she is supposed to do with Costia’s stuff? She couldn’t go now to her parents’ house with some boxes full of Costia’s things. Throwing it out was even a worse possibility, but she couldn’t keep everything.

Clarke, sensing her doubts, squeezes her hand with a soft and empathetic smile. “When my dad passed out, I helped my mother with his room. We started for the less personal parts, what do you think?”

Without a better idea, Lexa nods. Now she only needs to find the less personal part. Biting her lip, Lexa turns around, rejecting all the possibilities until she runs out of them. Then, she looks again.

“Hum… The bed?” She lamely proposes after five minutes in silence.

Clarke doesn’t criticize her, she nods smiling, encouraging her. “Okay.”

Between sneezes, they shake and remove the bedsheets. It’s good as a start since it isn’t personal, but maybe she should have considered before all the accumulated dust. Clarke leaves the room to grab some clean sheets, somehow managing to return carrying a broom, a dustpan, the sheets, and a couple of rags.

While Clarke puts on the clean sheets, Lexa sweeps the floor, aware that it won’t be the last time. After finishing, Lexa stays in front of the desk, decided that it will be the next, at least the papers and folders of the university. She’ll need more resolution to open the drawers.

Lexa almost bounces when she feels two arms sliding around her waist. However, she immediately relaxes and leans back. Clarke places a soft kiss on the back of her neck, causing Lexa to shiver, before resting her chin on her shoulder.

“We can make a pause if you want,” Clarke offers.

“Not yet. I… need to continue. Just a little more,” she replies, blushed.

Ordering Costia’s notes, thought better than opening the lockers or the wardrove, is still painful. It’s been months since the last time she saw her calligraphy that Lexa always loved even though Costia said it was awful.

Clarke disappears again to come back with three plastic bags. Together, they put the notes, books, prints, and everything related to psychology inside. Once again, Lexa isn’t quite sure what she’ll do with that. She can’t keep everything, but she doesn’t like the option of throwing it away either.

“Maybe I can donate some of the books to the library,” she mutters to herself as the idea comes to her mind.

“Oh! That’s a great idea,” Clarke encourages her, smiling.

Sitting on the floor surrounded by the bags and notes, Lexa freezes and drops the book she was about to put inside one of the bags. She has smiled for a second after Clarke’s comment, bringing back the old and familiar regret of not feeling bad.

Sensing that something is wrong, Clarke stops too. She lifts her hand in Lexa’s direction, but the brunette shakes her head before she could touch her. Her gesture only makes Clarke’s more worrier; however, she lowers her hand.

With her eyes closed, Lexa takes a shaky breath. She was sure that she had left the guilt behind, but she was wrong. And she hates this feeling.

“Lexa? What’s wrong?”

For the briefest moment, Lexa considers standing up and running away from Costia’s memories and Clarke. But, as much as it’s tempting, she rejects the idea. Running away is pointless when the pain is inside of her.

“Sorry. It’s just…” She trails, not knowing how to end.

It’s just what? She feels guilty for smiling, for being so comfortable with Clarke in Costia’s room. But deep down there’s something else.

Lexa opens her eyes. In front of her, Clarke is looking at her more worried than before. She has her fists clenched, ready to jump and hug her if Lexa allows it. If Lexa didn’t know it before, now she’s sure of how much she loves her. She wishes she could tell her, but it’s not the right time. And Clarke’s is not the only one who deserves the truth.

In Costia’s anniversary, on the cemetery, Lexa couldn’t say what she feels. What she had been feeling for too long.

“It’s just…” Lexa sawlogs. “I miss her.”

Three words aren’t enough to transmit how she feels. How she has been feeling for the last year. Because they were together and then, suddenly, Costia was gone. It was unexpected, an accident no one could avoid. And, in some way, she hasn’t accepted it. There’s a part of her that stills waiting for Costia. A part of her that believes one day she’ll find her sitting on the couch reading, training on the gym… She misses all the nights they spent talking about the future, the way she hugged her, or going to a pub. But most importantly, she misses her smile.

“I… I really miss her.”

She doesn’t want to cry. She doesn’t want to feel this way either.

Slowly, Clarke moves closer, giving Lexa time to reject her, and hugs her. Lexa tenses for a moment, but she ends resting her head on the blonde’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Lexa.” Her voice is sad, almost a mumble. She caresses Lexa’s back, gently.

With that simple touch, Lexa breaks. She’s unable to keep holding her tears and the pain on her chest exploits.

“She’s gone and I miss her…”

She allows herself to cry. And, for the first time, she isn’t ashamed.

**

After Lexa’s breakdown, they move to the couch in the living room. Clarke holds her girlfriend tightly, rubbing circles on her back, while Lexa cries on her shoulder. Clarke loses track of time, but they are like this easily ten minutes. At some point, Lexa’s body stops shaking and her sobs die. However, the girl doesn’t make any attempt to move away, so Clarke’s stays too.

Still secure on Clarke’s arms, Lexa mutters something that the blonde can’t fully understand.

“What have you said,” she asks seeing that Lexa isn’t keen to repeat it.

As an answer, the girl leans up onto her hands and Clarke can finally see her face. Though her eyes are red and sore for crying, she seems calm, almost relaxed. “I said thank you,” she whispers. “I don’t know what I should have done without you.”

Clarke's first impulse is to dismiss her gratitude saying that she did nothing important. However, she stops herself in time. She did help her, probably more than she realizes, just like Lexa has helped her.

“Me neither,” she admits, remembering too well how she was after breaking up with Finn. “I guess we were lucky for being roommates.”

“I guess so.”

Lexa leans on and places a chaste kiss on Clarke’s lips, who immediately reciprocate it and tightens her grip on Lexa, pulling her closer. Just when Lexa’s tongue swept into her mouth, Clarke’s stomach grumbles, effectively screwing up the moment.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Clarke groans, embarrassed, pulling her face away.

Giggling, Lexa stands up. She holds her hand out to Clarke to help her up. “It’s okay, we should go to get something to eat anyway, it’s almost two.”

Clarke nods, accepting Lexa’s hand. Back on her feet, she doesn’t release it. “Yeah, you are right. Should we pick up something and go to the hospital?”

“Sounds good for me. Do you think we can convince Raven to come to live with us using the food?”

“We can try.”

Smiling, Lexa makes a movement to leave the living room, but Clarke stops her squeezing her hand. With her scowl frowning with confusion, Lexa turns to her. “Clarke?”

The blonde doubts, looking in Lexa’s eyes the pain she had seen before. “Are you really okay?” She asks, staring at her very closely.

Lexa seems honest when she nods, still smiling. “Yes.” She averts her gaze to look at the hallway, where is visible the open door of Costia’s room. “Well, as fine as I can be right now. I suppose I needed to, you know, break down. I… just needed.” Her eyes come back to look at Clarke’s. “I think that I’m really going to be okay,” she adds, lowering her voice. 

Satisfied, Clarke stops fighting a smile from appearing on her face. She believes her. “And I’ll be here to see it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote one of the scenes of this chapter in March one day I was sad. It was kind of weird unite that part with the rest of the chapter after all this months XD


	36. Blackmails, tacos, apologies, and love confessions

“So, this is the deal: Tomorrow, when the doctors release you, you’ll come to our apartment for the next weeks. You’ll be good and let us help you with the rehabilitation,” Clarke explains with a smile that doesn’t let a no for an answer. “This delicious taco can be yours if you agree.”

Lexa opens the plastic bag and shows it. The room already smelled at tacos, but not as much as now. Clarke needs all her willpower to not eat the taco Lexa is holding.

In front of them, Raven’s jaw drops. Although she’s staring at them, she can’t avoid gazing the taco. Maybe they can succeed with the blackmail.

“Do you accept or not?” Lexa asks, moving the taco closer to Raven’s face.

“What…? Are you serious?”

“Lexa looks like someone who could joke about this?” Clarke asks back. It’s hard to seem serious when the prize of the deal is a taco, but she does her best.

Raven shakes her head, but she’s still suspicious. Lexa, sensing it too, puts the taco back on the bag and sits on the edge of the bed.

“Look, I know it’s a bit sudden. It’s just… we are worried. Not only for you but Anya too,” she explains, unusually softly. She’s using her calm tone that Clarke had only heard a few times when Lexa talked with Aden. Or with her. “Could you consider it?”

“I…” She shakes her head again, now more in denial. “I can’t do that; I don’t want to be a burden,” she adds, lowering her eyes.

Clarke has the urge to hug her and it’s what she does, surprising Raven in the process. “You would never be a burden,” she whispers, aware of what Raven told her the first day in the hospital. “And besides,” she adds, louder and with a cheerful tone. “We are going to need your help to convince Anya.”

Although Clarke can’t see Lexa, she’s sure that the girl is behind her nodding. 

With some hesitation, Raven reciprocates the hug and hides her face on Clarke’s shoulder. She’s a bit tense and her hands are trembling.

“I don’t know what to say,” she mumbles after a while, pulling herself away. Even her voice it’s shaking, almost as if she’s about to cry.

“You can say yes,” Clarke tries.

“But I…”

“Oh my god, young people are full of drama!” The three girls turn their heads to the other bed of the room, where the old woman that shares the hospital room with Raven is looking at them in disbelief. “Just say yes.”

Raven’s jaw drops again, but she has a quick recovery. “Hey, you should be on my side, not theirs!”

The situation is so surrealistic that Clarke burst in laughter and even Lexa smiles.

“It seems it’s three against one, Raven,” Lexa points. “What do you say?”

“Ugh, fine, I agree.” Although she pouts, it’s obvious that she’s fighting a smile from appearing on her face. “Now, give me my taco.”

**

In the afternoon, they translate Anya of the ICU to the second floor, finally allowing visitors besides family or couple. Lexa is sitting on the bed when Clarke, Octavia and Raven arrive, so she quickly moves away, smiling.

Anya stares at the three girls, narrowing her eyes when she sees Octavia and Clarke getting closer looking serious while, behind them, Raven is trying to not laugh.

“You two, don’t you dare,” she warns.

Clarke seems to hesitate, but Octavia steps forward with no worries. “Don’t fight what it’s inevitable, Anya.”

“I’ll kill you,” she hisses.

“No, you won’t.”

Before Anya could find the strength to stand up or say a real threat, Octavia and Clarke eliminated the distance that separated them and, one on each side, hug Anya. Lexa takes a photo, glad of having her mobile in silence.

“Fine,” Anya groans. “Five seconds.”

“Anya, you almost died,” Octavia protests, not making any attempt of pulling away. “You won’t get rid of us so easily. And when Lincoln arrives…”

As if he had been carried for her girlfriend’s words, Lincoln appears on the door. His red cheeks show that he has come running. “You said you’d wait for me!”

He gets quiet when he sees the two girls hugging Anya, who can only groan one more time before Lincoln joins the hug. Lexa, of course, takes another photo. From the other side of the room, Raven winks at her, clearly asking her to send the photos later.

The hug time ends a minute later when Anya threatens to call the nurses. For the next hour, they stay in the room, talking about everything and nothing. Lexa, although doesn’t talk a lot, it’s more relaxed than the last days. It has been a roller coaster, but now every piece is going back to its place.

Lincoln and Octavia leave first, promptly followed by Clarke and Raven. They are surprisingly subtle, however, Anya glares at Lexa once they are alone.

“What’s on your mind?”

Obviously, Anya has to realize that Lexa is hiding something. Sometimes, Lexa feels that she’s like an open book to her. She’s still impressed that Anya didn’t find all the fake dating stuff.

“Something that probably you won’t like.”

Anya raises an eyebrow, waiting in silence an explanation.

“I asked Raven to come to live with us some weeks so we can help her a little,” she mumbles, failing in her attempt of looking confident. “You should come too.”

“Lexa…”

“Don’t’ say no. At least, think about it. Please.”

The older girl sighs. It seems a lost battle, but Lexa still has a few tricks up her sleeve and she plans to use them.

“Give me a reason why it’s a bad idea,” Lexa asks when sees that her sister is shaking her head.

Anya doesn’t hesitate. “I don’t need help, I’m fine.”

“And Raven is fine too? The next months are going to be difficult and right now, you have an arm and a couple of ribs broken.”

Maybe it came a bit harsh, but Anya it’s not a fan of delicacy. Although the girl frowns, she doesn’t seem mad. At least, not more than usual.

“Your apartment isn’t big enough for four people.”

“Yes, it is. Remember when Lincoln and Octavia were kicked out of theirs and stayed with us a week.” Lexa smiles with the memory. That week had been chaotic, but they manage to survive, and now is a funny memory. “If five people fit, four would be easy peasy.”

Lexa decides to not mention that she and Clarke already sleep always together. Sharing a room wouldn’t be a drama. However, saying it out loud it’s a bit embarrassing.

“That week was a fucking hell. Besides, there’s not enough space.”

Although Anya’s confidence, Lexa knows she’s wrong. There’s enough space, or it will be. Lexa’s pulse quickened, but when she speaks again, her voice sounds calm as ever. “I’d opened Costia’s room. We are cleaning it.”

Anya’s eyes widened in surprise. For a moment she stares at Lexa, speechless, and taken back. “When?” She manages to ask.

“This morning. We’ll probably continue tomorrow.”

“Wow, I… I wasn’t expecting it. Are you okay?”

After Costia’s death, it’s not the first time that Anya makes that question, but on this occasion, when Lexa nods, she’s honest. “Yes. It’s difficult, but I should have never let that door close,” she says, softly.

“I’m proud of you. And happy.”

“Thanks.” Lexa leans her head into Anya’s shoulder. When the blonde wraps her arm around Lexa’s back, pulling her closer, it’s not as awkward as it could be. The more hugs they have, the less awkward they become. “I would appreciate your help, though. And moral support,” she adds, half-joking.

Anya, of course, caught the serious petition. “That’s unfair.”

“What would be unfair is letting Raven alone with us. She’d be the third wheel.”

In the last minutes, Anya has hugged her, talk with a tender voice and now she’s actually giggling. She’s becoming sappy. Not like if Lexa would ever say it out loud, though.

Lexa lifts her head from Anya’s shoulder. She’s also smiling, so maybe she’s becoming sappy too. And she doesn’t care at all.

“Please?”

Anya looks defeated when she, slowly, nods. “We are going to murder each other, but okay.”

**

Having the door of Costia’s door open it’s weird, but Clarke is happy for the change, so she doesn’t complain at all. She hopes to be used soon, though. It’s one of the many changes they are going to have in the next weeks. After all, it seems that Lexa had convinced Anya.

Clarke is surprised of Lexa’s speed. She was sure Anya would eventually agree, but Clarke expected her to refute the idea the first days. What kind of magic did Lexa use? She’ll never know. What she knows is that Raven and Anya will need a room, and Lexa had already commented Clarke’s room was Anya’s. Having this in mind, alone in the apartment and with nothing better to do, Clarke starts packing her things to move a part of them to Lexa’s room.

If the open door of Costia’s room is weird, packing back is way weirder. It hasn’t been so long, but Clarke feels that had happened years since she moved in and not weeks. She carries a bag full of clothes remembering how bad she needed Wells’ support. Now, the heartbreak seems far away, just like the disgust of sharing an apartment with Lexa.

She lays in their (Lexa’s) bed after four moves from her room to Lexa’s. Although she’s not tired, she’s a bit overwhelmed. She remembers how mad she was with Octavia for sending her to Lexa’s apartment and she only agreed because she didn’t have a better option. Now that she thinks about it, Octavia deserves a thank you. But also, her friend should answer to what extent she knew this would happen.

She’s unblocking her mobile when the screen pups with the name of Monty. She hasn’t talked with him since they left his apartment this morning, so Clarke picks up the mobile with a nervous smile.

“Hey, Monty, how’s everything?”

“Hum… Sorry, it’s me, Jasper.”

Clarke’s eyes widened by the surprise. “Jasper? It’s everything fine with Monty?”

“Yeah, he’s fine. I… I wanted to talk with you, but I wasn’t sure you would pick up if I called you.”

“Why wouldn’t I...?” Right, last time she hung up with a ‘fuck you’. “Okay, that’s fair.”

They settle in uncomfortable silence. Clarke is quite sure that on the other side of the mobile, Jasper is biting his nails, a bad costume he has when he’s nervous.

“So…” She mutters, breaking the silence. “What do you want?”

Her questions come a bit harsh although she’s more curious than mad. However, she can’t forget he ignored her for weeks or his fixation to go back with Finn.

“I want to say I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Clarke presses her hand to the bed to push herself up into a sitting position. Jasper’s apology it’s more than she expected from him. And, although she wanted him to apologize, now she doesn’t know how she feels about it.

“Oh.”

“I’ve called Wells because he’s, you know, one of your best friends. I… I realize I was kind of a jerk with you. I’m sorry about that. I…” He swallows. In comparison with the rest, Jasper isn’t the proudest or the most stubborn, but he always has had problems admitting when he’s wrong. “I’m sorry,” he adds after some hesitation.

Accepting the apology would be easy. Clarke is tired of being mad with him, she wants to have fun with him and Monty like before. However, she bites her lip. If she really wants to forgive him, first she needs to understand him.

“Why didn’t you call me before? Why now?”

“It was… difficult.”

“Jasper, I think I deserve better than ‘it was difficult’,” she replies, upset.

“Uh… Right. I… Fuck, I don’t know how to explain it.” He sighs. He gets quiet for a moment. “Okay, I’ll start at the beginning. Could you let me explain everything without interrupt me? You can yell to me later.”

“I’ll try.”

“Thanks,” he mutters. “Humm, do you remember when Octavia and Atom broke out?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you kept in touch with him?”

“Not really. Jasper, why are you talking about this? It’s been years.”

“Because I didn’t want that happen the same with Finn. Atom wasn’t so close and, when they broke out, all of us stood on Octavia’s side. They were uncomfortable hanging together, especially with Bellamy being an overprotective brother. None of us stood with him and in the end, he ended spending more time with Miller and Bryan. It’s not the same, but I knew Octavia, Bellamy, and Wells would choose you.”

Clarke opens her mouth to disagree, but she stops. Deep down she knows he’s partially right. Although she didn’t stop talking with Atom or ignore him and they had never been so close.

“We are not thirteen anymore,” she eventually says. “And Monty didn’t shut me down as you did.”

As she says it, she wonders if Bell, Wells, and Octavia had been in touch with Finn. Probably no. But Finn cheated on her, not the other way around.

“I know, and I’m sorry about that. I was just trying to be a good friend to Finn and I imagined you would be fine. I thought you had Wells, Bellamy, and Octavia. Besides, I was sure you two would get back together in a few weeks.”

“You what?” She shouts. Luckily, she’s alone at home.

“Now I know I was wrong, it’s just… I was sure you two were meant to be together. Finn was sure too. And when you said you were dating Lexa, we thought it was fake, just a way to hurt him or something like that.” He lowers his voice as he speaks. “I’m sorry for assuming that.”

Clarke covers her mouth trying to suppress her uncomfortable and nervous laugh. One day, she’ll tell him the truth and they’ll laugh together. She’s sure that Jasper will love the story.

“Well, I guess I can understand. Thanks for apologizing, Jasper,” she says, softer.

Without seeing his eyes it’s impossible to know for sure, but Clarke is pretty sure Jasper is smiling too.

“Clarke...”

“However,” she interrupts him, smirking. “You owe me a big one. You could… I don’t know, invite us to a fancy place or something.”

“Deal,” he agrees, quickly. Probably, he was expecting something worse. “But… hum… Inviting you and who else?”

“Monty, you owe him too. And I would like that you two meet Lexa under better circumstances.”

“Oh. I’d like that.”

He sounds honest and she believes him, even if it’s going to be difficult at first. Clarke lays down on the bed again with a smile on her lips that only lasts some seconds. “Jasper?”

“Yeah?”

“How’s Finn?”

“He’s… I don’t know. A bit stunned. He hasn’t started drinking yet, which is good, but…” He sighs. “Give him time.”

She nods, upset but not surprised. Raven needs him now, not the next month. However, there’s nothing else Clarke can do.

“Right.” The sound of Lexa opening the front door interrupts her thoughts. “Oh, Lexa is here. We talk later, okay?”

“Okay! I should give his mobile back to Monty anyway.”

“I hope you asked for permission.”

“…Of course I did. See you!”

Clarke hangs up giggling and that’s how Lexa finds her. If the girl is surprised of seeing Clarke on her bed, she doesn’t show it. Lexa just takes off her shoes before climbing into the bed with her, accepting Clarke’s open arms.

“How was Anya?” Clarke asks after some minutes in silence.

“Softer than I expected,” she mutters against Clarke’s neck, her breathing tickling her.

“Did you blackmail her with a taco too?”

“It wasn’t necessary,” she chuckles. “And how was your afternoon? I saw you started moving into my room.”

“Yep. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” she mumbles, sleepy.

If they continue like this, Lexa is going to fall asleep. And, considering they should have dinner, maybe it’s not the best idea.

“Jasper called me before you arrived.”

The reaction is immediate. Lexa’s body tenses and leans back, blinking to fight the sleep. Although they remain very close, Clarke misses her closeness. 

“It’s everything okay?” Lexa asks, unsure.

“I guess? He said he was sorry and he seemed honest. I think it went pretty well. It’s just…” She trails, uncertain of her feelings. “I want to move on, but I’m kind of… mad with him? I… don’t want to feel this way.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Take your time. It’s not as you have to pretend nothing happened. You can still be a little mad with him while you fix your friendship.”

Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa’s back, tugging her closer. “Thanks, you are the best.”

It’s difficult to know for sure, but Lexa shrugs. “You are incredible.” She yawns. “I love you so much…” She whispers so low that Clarke almost didn’t listen.

Almost.

“What?”

Lexa’s shoulder tense immediately and she pulls away with a dark tinge on her cheeks. She moves abruptly, nearly falling from the bed, and very awake “Shit! Sorry, I…”

But Clarke doesn’t want to hear any apology. She cups her cheeks and kisses her. Lexa’s reaction is a bit slow but eventually kisses her back.

When Clarke breaks the kiss it’s to look at her eyes. “I love you too,” she whispers, breathless.

The brunette leans down, resting her forehead into Clarke’s. “I love you,” she repeats. “But… Ugh, this isn’t like I planned,” she admits, whispering too. The moment it’s too intimate to speak louder.

“Yeah? What did you have in mind?”

“Something more romantic than... this.” She moves her hand from Clarke's shoulder to gesture the room.

“Romantic? Like what?”

“Like involving a lot of candles.”

Clarke chuckles, leaning down to kiss her again, this time more delicate. “I think your room has enough candles.”

“I wanted burning candles, it’s not the same,” she adorably pouts againts Clarke's lips. “And going to somewhere special.”

“I think your room is quite special.”

“Clarke…”

“What? It’s true.”

It’s complicated kissing somebody smiling so much, but Clarke tries anyway. She’s so happy to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, after this I can say that the story it’s coming to its end. There’s probably one chapter left, maybe two! 😊


	37. My old enemy is my girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updating but here is the last chapter!  
> (By the way, as a curiosity, the title of the chapter and the last scene it’s a reference of the first chapter)

Of course, Octavia proposes throwing a party to celebrate Anya’s release from the hospital. And, of course, it has to be in their apartment.

With Lexa working on the gym and Raven fixing a radio, Clarke has the responsibility of buying everything. Since it was Octavia’s idea, her friend easily agreed to accompany her. Wells didn’t have such an option and Octavia tugged him with them although he’s going to be busy and can’t go to the party.

And that’s how the three of them end in front of the supermarket arguing about their list. Octavia’s idea involves a lot of alcohol, too much considering that neither Raven nor Anya should drink because of their medications, and Aden’s presence.

“How about we buy some juices and vodka?” Wells asks, grabbing the shopping cart. “Then, you can choose if drinking alone or mix it.”

“That sounds… good,” Octavia admits. “But we’ll also need some beers.”

Clarke rolls her eyes but ends agreeing. 

They are three functional adults and it would be quicker if they take separates ways, but Octavia thinks it’s funnier going together. Wells immediately agrees although he’s probably more motivated with the chance of stopping Octavia before she could buy too much alcohol than having fun.

Although Octavia’s motive to go together is having more fun, soon the two girls are arguing, and not because of the list or the alcohol.

“Octavia, even if you want to team with Raven and win in a karaoke, this party if for Anya.” Clarke protests, shaking her head. “You should look for something she likes.”

“Everybody loves karaoke!”

“I’m pretty sure neither Lexa nor Anya love it. I mean, they didn’t seem to enjoy it at your party.”

Octavia pouts, pretending to be more upset than she. Clarke, knowing her too well, doesn’t buy her act.

“Okay, no karaoke.”

“And not dare or truth. Or spin the bottler.”

“Clarke!”

“What? You always do the same games on all your parties.”

“That’s not true! And stop complaining about my parties! You should be grateful.”

“Grateful,” she repeats, raising an eyebrow. “Really? Why?”

“Well, in my last two parties you kissed Lexa,” Octavia points, cheerful. “If it weren’t for me, you’d still be denying your feelings. Your welcome,” she adds, proud of herself.

Clarke can’t stop the furious blush that runs up her neck and colored her cheeks bright red. “That’s not true!”

For the look that Octavia and Wells send her, they don’t believe her. Not even Clarke believes herself. However, Octavia’s smirk is insufferable and there’s no way that Clarke would admit she’s right.

“If I had to be grateful with someone, it’s not you Octavia,” Clarke says, mirroring her smirk. “But Finn.”

Octavia’s jaw drops open. Her surprise turns into indignation not even a second later. “How can you say that?!”

“It’s the truth.” Clarke shrugs, feigning indifference. “Yes, I kissed Lexa on your house because of your stupid punishment game, but if we hadn't found Finn, we wouldn't have started fake dating.”

Meanwhile, tired of their scuffle, Wells is the only one who is still focused on buying. “Tex-Mex or spicy nacho Doritos?”

Octavia, of course, ignores him. “You can’t be serious!” She protests, without realizing that, in fact, Clarke isn’t serious. “You are only saying this to upset me!” Well, that’s partially right.

“What can I say? He’s a jerk but breaking up with him it’s the best thing that happened to me this year.”

“I vote for Tex-Mex,” Wells muttered, reading the ingredients. “I think it’s slightly healthier.”

“You wouldn’t have start fake dating Lexa if you weren’t living together. And that was on me!”

“Just because I didn’t have a choice,” she reminds her, staring very closely at Octavia.

“Ha! As if I couldn’t find more apartments…” Octavia covers her mouth, finally understanding Clarke’s trap. “Fuck you,” she hisses.

“Don’t worry, I have Lexa to do that.”

“What? Since when?”

“I think this is enough,” Wells sighed, tossing three bags of Doritos inside the shopping cart. “Clarke, congratulations, you played well. Now, Octavia, could you already admit that you found four possible apartments besides Lexa’s? I don’t want to spend all morning in the supermarket.”

Clarke opens her mouth, surprised, their roles reversed. “Four apartments? You lied to me?!”

Her friend crosses her arms over her chest, not even a little ashamed. “Yeah? You wouldn’t have agreed if you knew there were more options. Besides, Lexa’s was the cheapest and the best company. At least I personally met her, the other were friends of friends.”

“But… What if we had killed each other?”

“Then, you wouldn’t need an apartment.”

“Octavia!”

“Okay, I’d have magically found a new apartment. But I was rather optimistic. I always thought you two could be friends and both new the other.”

Seeing that Wells continued walking to the next shelf, Clarke follows him, her eyes never leaving Octavia’s. “So… This wasn’t you being a matchmaker?”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong.” Octavia winks at her, the smirk back on her face. “I hoped that eventually, you two would fall for each other. However,” she adds, more serious. “I really thought you could be good for the other. And you were. You make Lexa happy and it’s kind of mutual, right?”

“Maybe,” she agrees, her lips twitching up at the corners. “But I’m still mad with you.”

“Really? After all my work? As I said, you’d be grateful. I’m expecting to be the maid of honor of the wedding.”

Clarke shakes her head, giggling. “The maid of honor? I thought you’d call dibs on our firstborn.”

Octavia burst out laughing so loud that some customers look at them with strange faces. Wells doesn’t bother to turn around. “Don’t give me ideas.” Octavia links their arms together and pulls her to Wells. “C’mon, let’s go before Wells abandon us.”

**

Although Anya’s complaints that there wasn’t any need to throw a party for her, her smile tells otherwise. At first, when she and Lexa arrived from the hospital and entered the apartment, she looked serious as always. Then, there was a hint of a smile on her lips when Raven crashed to her arms. Finally, with Octavia, Lincoln, and Aden's arrival, her smile widened and didn’t disappear from her face.

And Lexa feels incredibly happy. Deep down, Anya has always had a big heart. And she appreciates this party, even if she says that it’s unnecessary and complains of how uglies are Octavia’s balloons. And, honestly, Lexa can’t blame her with the last part. Having a dozen of golden balloons for all the living room isn’t a scenery Lexa especially likes.

At some point between buying, supervise Octavia, and decorate the living room, Clarke has also found time to make a cake, which is without any doubt the winner of the afternoon. They spend the first part of the afternoon just eating and talking.

She’s having a good time, however, when Aden stands up to go to the bathroom and takes his time before coming back, Lexa stands up too with the excuse of going for more Doritos. As she expected, Aden isn’t in the bathroom. She finds him in front of Costia’s old room, staring at the open door.

Lexa moves closer to the kid, placing her arm around his shoulders. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” his voice is quiet but firm. “I’m just a bit surprised. In a good way,” he assures, quickly.

“I know. We haven’t finished cleaning, but maybe the next time you come, you can sleep here,” she proposes without thinking too much. She immediately likes the idea. And she’s sure that Costia would have liked it too.

He’s taken back with the proposal, but a smile appears in his face. “Well, it’s better than the couch.”

“And it would be here for you whenever you need. There will always be a bed for you, no matter what,” she promises, completely honest.

Aden just hugs her when Lexa pulls him closer, speechless for a few seconds.

“Thanks.” It’s all he mutters, his voice a bit broken.

They stay like that for some minutes. Lexa isn’t sure if Aden has cried in some moment, but when he moves his head away, he doesn’t seem sad at all. His eyes are shining more than usual, though.

“I…” He starts, unsure. Lexa smiles at him, encouraging him to continue. “Lately I’ve spent some time with a new kid. Her name is Madi, she’s nine. She’s very nice, but she’s… struggling. Could you and Anya… I don’t know…”

“I’d love to meet her,” she says, stopping Aden’s rambling. “If Titus allows her to go outside, we could go to a park or something.”

He nods, relieved. “That’s sounds good for me.”

Lexa hugs him again, wondering when did Aden grows so much. Now that she thinks about it, she’s quite sure that he’s taller. He has always been pretty close to a couple of kids, but one day he’ll be someone’s old brother. And he’ll be magnific.

“How’s everything with Titus,” she asks when she releases him. She has been wanting to make that question for a while, but it never seemed to be a good moment. 

“Fine, I guess. I think he had given up with me because lately he’s been kind of ignoring me.” His tone is light and his smile shows how little upset he is with that situation.

Lexa, however, can’t stop avoid an unpleasant feeling. Aden deserves good parents, someone who looks after him, not an asshole like Titus. But that’s beyond her control, so at least she’ll do her best for him.

“Welcome to the failure club, then. We have cakes, awful alcoholics drinks, a hundred candles, a mechanic, and a blondie angel.” 

It isn’t so funny, but Aden bursts laughing, leaning into her. “I love the failure club.”

“Good, because now you can’t leave. You are stuck with us.” She places a soft kiss on the top of his head.

They are an unusual family, but Lexa wouldn’t change them for anything.

“C’mon, let’s go with the others,” she says, tugging him back to the living room. “I heard Octavia has something planned.”

**

A bit dizzy, Clarke leans her back against the fridge. The last juice with black vodka had way too much vodka and too little juice, and she’s starting to feel it.

Considering the kitchen isn’t the less private place of the apartment, she’s surprised that nobody enters for the next ten minutes. And she’s even more surprised that, when Raven enters, she decides to sit down on a chair in front of her.

“It’s everything all right?” Clarke asks, eyeing her a little worried.

Raven nods, but her smile is strange as if something is off. “Yeah.”

Clarke raises an eyebrow, showing that she doesn’t believe her, but she won’t push her if Raven doesn’t want to.

“Finn called me this morning,” Raven says eventually.

“Oh! Humm… Great?” She mutters, uncertain. She blames the alcohol for her rambling. “I mean, was it… Great?”

Raven chuckles. Not the reaction that Clarke expected, but way better than tears. “Not really,” she sighs. “It wasn’t bad,” she assures, quickly. “It was just… weird. Anyway, I wanted to thank you. Finn told me you went with Lexa to talk with him.”

Although Raven is smiling, Clarke can’t mirror her smile. She’s glad that Finn broke his silence, but there’s an uneasy feeling she can’t ignore. What if it was a bad idea? What if Finn mess everything?

“Sorry if I overstepped…”

“Clarke, calm down, I just thanked you. It was weird because, well, it’s weird. But I’m happy, really.”

She speaks so convinced that Clarke doesn’t have any option but to believe her. “Then, I’m happy too.”

They return to the living room together, now Clarke holding a glass full of water. In the time she was out, someone (probably Octavia or Aden), had convinced the others to play Ludo. The game board is in the middle of the table, with Lincoln and Aden sitting on the couch and the girls in different chairs. The game hasn’t started yet, but Octavia and Anya seem ready to jump into each other throats. Even Aden’s eyes are shining, clearly as competitive as her older sister.

“You know,” Raven whispers, so quieter that nobody besides Clarke listens to her “I used to think I only have Finn. But not anymore.”

“Raven!” Octavia exclaims smirking before Clarke could answer. Her eyes lit up the moment she sees them. “You are on my team!”

Clarke shouldn’t feel so betrayed, but she almost throws her glass to her friend’s face. “What? After all these years you choose Raven over me?!”

Octavia, that isn’t waiting for Raven’s agreement, stands up, runs to the kitchen, turning back with two chairs. She lets one near Clarke and the other next to hers. She shrugs, unconcerned. “Sorry, but I prefer her brain than yours. And we need a good strategy to win. Besides, you can team with Lexa,” she winks. “Or Anya.”

The two blondes share a look of equal disgust. “Lexa,” they say at the same time for the enjoyment of Octavia, Aden, and Raven. Lincoln just sighs, muttering under his breath something that sounds like: “It’s just a game…”

With the brightest smile, Raven goes to Raven’s side after dropping a kiss on Anya’s cheek.

Ignoring the chair Octavia had brought to her, Clarke sits down on Lexa’s lap. Her girlfriend wraps her arms around her waist, pulling her closer and resting her chin on her shoulder. Lexa doesn’t seem bothered at all with her decision.

“So, which is our color?” Clarke asks, turning a little her face, more to avoid the looks on her friends’ faces than to talk better.

Is, however, Aden who replies. “Blue! Lexa chose it because of your eyes!”

With that, Lexa hides completely her face on Clarke’s back, embarrassed. “We are going to kick their asses.”

“Hell yes.”

**

Lexa is quite surprised to hear the doorbell, so she gets up immediately from the couch and goes to open the door, curious about who is it. Raven and Anya aren’t meant to arrive for the next two hours and, besides, they have keys. Although the couple had been living with them for almost a week, sometimes Lexa expects that they ring the doorbell.

During the short way to the front door, Lexa finds herself wishing for a neighbor and not a surprising visit from Octavia. Used to living only with Clarke, suddenly being four makes that she can barely be alone for more than ten minutes. She’s happy with Raven and Anya, though, but part of her can’t stop missing the afternoons when there were only Clarke and her.

So, when she opens the door and finds Clarke on the other side of the door, she is happily surprised.

“Clarke?” She asks although the answer is quite obvious.

“Lexa.” Clarke leans down to place a chaste kiss on her lips. “Sorry, I forgot my keys.”

“It’s okay.” She smiles against Clarke’s lips. “Welcome home.”

Clarke moves her head away and rests her forehead on Lexa’s. “Yeah, I’m in home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank so much for reading!! And special thanks to the awesome people who had been commenting!! 
> 
> I started a new clexa fic, so if you want to give it a chance: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26476852/chapters/64518130
> 
> 🤗🤗


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